When we are forced to play roles that are unnatural for ourselves, we lose our own essence. It has always been this way: a man is strength, and a woman is tenderness. And if the poles change, disaster is not far away... Let's talk about this today with Angela Kharitonova, a practical psychologist.
“I’m 36 years old and I’ve never been married. Men perceive me as a good conversationalist, “their boyfriend,” but nothing more. There were, of course, romances, but with weak, worthless men; others don’t like me. Lately I've been thinking about my femininity. Yes, I dress like a man - jeans and a sweater, I don’t have time for makeup and hair. I'm driving or in the office all the time, I have my own business. I am strong and independent, but I want to learn to be soft, charming, gentle, light. Help me please!" Inna, Tula.
At what moments is femininity blocked?
Reason 1. Mom is feminine, but her life is bad, and she does not have the respect of her daughter. For example, when a despotic husband suppresses, and then the daughter, looking at all this, will not want to be soft and weak, but quite the opposite. Either the mother is not fulfilled in life, although she is feminine, she spins like a squirrel in a wheel, tries for everyone, but does not receive gratitude and love, the woman is a “cornered horse.” The girl will also not want to copy this behavior of her mother, and along with the protest against such a life, femininity is also blocked.
Reason 2. Femininity in the parental family is considered a weakness. This can happen when the mother has exclusively masculine qualities - assertiveness, determination, toughness. The girl is told that showing her feelings, crying, being vulnerable is bad and even stupid. Women's intuition, emotionality, spontaneity, naivety, sensitivity are condemned and ridiculed. And getting your way, being firm and suppressing your feelings is encouraged. Maybe this family wanted a boy and now they are raising their daughter “like a man.”
Reason 3. Psychological trauma in youth. The girl is blossoming, she is feminine, soft, naive, believes in eternal love and mutual dedication. But the guys take advantage of her openness; an ideal romantic relationship does not work out. Having experienced several disappointments, the girl suppresses her romance and sensitivity and switches, for example, to her career.
Reason 4. We have to take everything upon ourselves. It happens that an adult woman is left alone with her children. Or she is married, but the husband is weak-willed, does not earn money, does not make decisions, does not strive to get anywhere, etc., in general, is not the head of the family. And then the woman pulls herself together, suppresses her feminine qualities and becomes a “man in a skirt.” Of course, there is another, more constructive way to solve this problem. But Russian women often do just that. When a woman has work, a home, children, and all the responsibility for the family, there is no time for femininity.
Reason 5. A feminine woman experiences betrayal as an adult. For example, after living with her husband for 15 years, giving all of herself to him, dissolving in him, trusting unconditionally, she learns that he has a “second family.” The husband leaves the family for an active, business-oriented and purposeful woman. And he explains it simply: “I’m bored with you, you’re a “house chicken,” what can you do? just cook borscht”... Having survived this pain, a woman can change radically, become tough. She can follow the path of a “rival” - open her own business, become independent, use men to her advantage and completely suppress her femininity, supposedly as unnecessary.
Is it worth reviving femininity?
Despite the fact that strong women appear successful and even sometimes happy, they suffer from lost femininity. How is it shown? Firstly, weak men are attracted to them, and such women, as a rule, want strong ones. Or there are problems with men in general, because... a lady with suppressed femininity unconsciously conveys to men “I don’t need anyone!” But even if she herself is actively looking for her soul mate, she does not find what she needs, because a man falls in love not with his appearance, not with his character, but with the condition that a woman gives him. This wonderful state can only be given to one who cares and cherishes her feminine essence. A courageous woman gives a man a completely different feeling; you want to be friends with her, she is often respected, but it is difficult to fall in love with her. To find a real man, you have to be a real woman, because it is our feminine energy Men don’t have enough, they have everything else. The habit of deciding everything and taking on everything does not replace the desire to lean on a strong shoulder. Even if a woman says that she feels good alone, deep down she still yearns for love and true spiritual intimacy.
What to do?
Let's look at the reasons first. If feminine qualities (fragility, gentleness, kind-heartedness, compliance, dedication, etc.) do not inspire respect in you (reason 1-2), then you need to comprehend the following axioms:
- God created me as a woman, this is my true essence, and this is the only way I can be happy. It’s much easier for me to fulfill my desires through a woman’s path than through a man’s. If a woman chooses the male path, then she will have to spend a lot of effort to achieve her goal, but this goal is always achieved much easier by the female path. A real woman's wishes come true easily and quickly.
- I don't need to 100% immerse myself in the female pole and go with the flow. Every person has both feminine and masculine energy. It is absolutely normal to have such qualities as logic, determination, confidence, but still put the feminine essence first. The energy ratio in the “ideal” modern woman- 70% female and 30% male. Being a woman does not mean being weak!
- If the cause of lost femininity is psychological trauma (reasons 3−5), then you need to completely forgive the person who did not appreciate you as a woman. Unforgiven grievances keep you in a state of suppressing your feminine feelings. Stop living in spite of this person, he has his own way. Let go of all emotions associated with the trauma. And start new life- Happy Real Woman.
Rules for everyone:
- Wear dresses, skirts, beautiful shoes, jewelry.
- Dedicate at least 2-3 hours a day to yourself and self-care.
- Flirt and smile at men. Accept compliments with pleasure.
- Accept life in all its manifestations, as it is. If something happened, then it was necessary. Let go of tight control over everything and everyone.
- Delegate some of your responsibilities to other people. If you carry a whole load of things on yourself, you are unlikely to be able to become light and feminine.
- Get creative, dance, sing, draw.
The modern rhythm of life is merciless and can knock down even a strong man. What can we say about women? Is it really possible to remain beautiful, tender and not lose your femininity at all in such a rhythm? Of course you can.
First of all, you need to not forget about your beautiful gender. It's great to be a woman, but what should you do to look more feminine? How to preserve tenderness and beauty, so as not to become faceless, masculine or even of an indeterminate gender?
Remember when you felt like a happy woman. What colors made you happy then, what clothes, food, events. You need to try to remember those events in the smallest details and try to recreate the past in the present.
You can and should be feminine at any age. Even if you are well over 30, 50 and 70. You just need to never stop loving yourself and cherish in your soul the eighteen-year-old girl you were. Pamper yourself at least sometimes. Buy clothes you like, perfumes, cosmetics, accessories. There is no need to justify to yourself that there is no time for all this. You just have to want it and you will find time.
Take care of your face, hands, body. If you forget about them, why should they remember about you? If you don’t make a mask, you will very soon see how your skin “beautifies” deep wrinkles. Don't need to exercise? But problems with bones, spine, fat deposits are not something to be proud of.
A woman was initially given more opportunities by nature than a man. Tenderness and grace suit the weaker sex very well. They are never redundant, even if you are into boxing or weightlifting.
Always dance, whenever possible. It has long been noted that dancing rejuvenates, emphasizes femininity, trains and, of course, delights. When does a person dance? When he feels good and is happy. A happy woman always stands out from the crowd. Femininity is one of the steps to happiness.
Don't stop loving yourself. Hole and cherish, enjoy life and the fact that you are a Woman, thank every new day, do not forget to look at the stars, love, try not to be too serious. Even when alone with yourself, be a Woman with a capital W.
A real woman knows how to be very strong without losing her beauty and femininity. It's not as difficult as it seems. The main thing is to have a desire, and then everything will work out!
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And so that caring for your family and home does not become hard labor, choose the best for yourself and for your children. For example, a fairy tale bunk bed will decorate the interior of a nursery and help maintain order in the room with less effort.
Just three words, and not a trace of femininity remained. This is how we, women, ourselves do not notice how our feminine attractiveness is being destroyed.
It always happens at an unexpected moment. We are beautiful and fluffy until the child breaks or spills something, and now we, like a kite, are already attacking him with screams. In any case, the man records it all.
Here you need to remember and hold yourself to the end. A woman should not allow herself to make rude statements and remain restrained in all situations.
Love cannot live in the heart only for your child or only for a squirrel. Either there is love for all people and for all living things, or there is none. And a woman and love are inseparable things.
- If you want to remain a woman, avoid being too businesslike and fearless in your conversations. Women sometimes forget themselves and begin to tell how they loaded containers and sent them, or drove at a speed that even men cannot afford. It seems like completely harmless conversations in which a woman demonstrates her “successes,” but in these conversations she wants to be equal to man or even surpass him, and this deprives her of her femininity. And feminine dignity.
- Use of words such as: “Cool”, “High” and “Drive” also, in my opinion, not at all feminine. This is teenage slang or male slang. A woman does not need to stand in line with teenagers or men.
- Don't talk to men. This is especially evident in social networks. I very often observe how women begin to discuss with men on equal terms: cars, speed capabilities, football. I noticed only two developments: men, at best, begin to accept such a woman as a friend and “their boyfriend” (they do not perceive her as a woman), and in worst man begins to get annoyed and put such a woman in her place when a woman seeks to conduct such conversations as an equal.
Neither one nor the other suits a real woman. She is interested in a man treating her exclusively as a woman. Be careful and do not enter male territory. What did you forget there?
And when talking to a man, don’t talk too much, don’t lead, and don’t set the tone. Even if the man is a man of few words. Don't try to fill the pauses with yourself.
“Categorism and a commanding tone have a very strong impact on femininity. A woman always needs to remember patience and love.
Do not discuss vulgar topics or dirty jokes.
Watch how you sit, do not raise your legs, even if you are wearing trousers. Spreading legs and cheeky poses will not add charm to your image.
“A woman who smokes also looks repulsive.” A woman is the most delicate creature, like a flower. Smoke and flowers are incompatible things, no matter how fashionable it may look on TV. Don't go this route. Any man does not take a woman who smokes seriously.
Or a woman who drinks. It's summer now, and I noticed a large number of women buy beer in the evenings. To say that this is not feminine is to say nothing. There is no need to imitate men.
Even if you take care of yourself and look very feminine, bad habits will immediately ruin your attractiveness and repel normal men. On a subconscious level, women with bad habits cause disgust and disgust.
Cosmetics on a woman’s face in large quantities also have a repulsive and frightening effect on men. Many women believe that more is better. But men vote for femininity and
- Give up gossip, there is something womanish and unfeminine about it. When gossiping, we convey deliberately false and unverified information, and most importantly, we always deliberately distort it not in favor of the person we are gossiping about, wanting to look better against this background.
Gossip is always dictated by inner envy. A is a very destructive feeling. By gossiping, a woman enters very low and negative vibrations, destroying, first of all, her psyche and her body. Gossip is very unhealthy and dangerous. It is always leaving one's own life and comparing oneself with others. A decent woman has no need for this. Don't participate in this even if you are told some gossip. Don't listen, move the conversation to another topic.
I gave up gossip a long time ago. For me, communication with a woman who reveals other people's secrets and discusses other people's lives is always questionable. How can you trust such a person?
— Be careful and exclude obscene and strong expressions from your vocabulary. These words contain enormous destructive power. There is special literature devoted to this issue. Today there is a lot of talk about the fact that sometimes you can’t do without swearing. Maybe someone can't get by, but not a woman. She can always do without swearing.
When a person does not use swear words, it only speaks of healthy way life and a balanced and calm state of the psyche, especially women.
It is very easy to remain a woman in favorable circumstances. But our ability to remain feminine, kind and gentle is tested in difficult, crisis and stressful situations. And it is in these situations that you must be even more attentive and aware, and carry yourself to the end.
What happens when dad doesn’t praise, but mom puts on “armor.”
The life of a strong, strong-willed woman is not as good as it might seem at first glance. The desire to become independent and free makes her unhappy. She enters into competition with men, but they are not eager to compete with her. She tries to improve her “business skills,” but loses her family. Despite her external gloss, in a male environment she remains “just an aunt”, “bitch”, “woman”.
If you are faced with a similar problem, then do not rush to blame yourself. In many ways, you simply adopted your parents' worldview. And the process of your transformation into “ strong woman” began long before you tried on your first bra.
By about 4-5 years, children develop an awareness of their gender, and by the age of 7, key concepts about gender are already formed. In full-fledged healthy families children see a strong, proud father and a beautiful, gentle mother. Boys naturally take the male side, girls take the female side.
While the daughter is learning to “be like her mother,” the father, with his admiration and support, strengthens her belief in her own attractiveness and lays the foundations for the relationship between a man and a woman. Under her father's protection, she can calmly turn into a beauty and develop her best feminine qualities.
If the natural laws of distribution of roles are violated in the family, then children also adopt distorted ideas about relationships in a couple. Girls become rude, aggressive and unyielding. The following reasons may contribute to this:
1. Absence of dad. It doesn’t matter whether he left the family, died, or the girl initially lives with a single mother, in any case she finds herself next to a parent who demonstrates his strength, firmness and inflexibility. As you guessed, this has nothing to do with female nature. But the girl regularly adopts the behavior of a “courageous mother”, becomes just as persistent, strong, tough and, more often than not, is also left alone.
2. Father is a tyrant. Both physical and psychological pressure from the father causes the girl to fear and want to protect herself. She is deprived of male admiration and desired attention. Her femininity is humiliated and devalued. The father's original role as a protector is annulled, and the girl is forced to go on the defensive and learn to “take a hit.” In adult life she is ready to “get into a fight” at any moment, becomes aggressive, tough and has great difficulty entering into relationships with normal men.
3. Father is a weakling. If from early childhood a girl sees that her dad’s role is to carry out her mother’s orders and listen to her next complaints, then she, too, will treat him with disdain. As she grows older, the daughter will become “her mother’s assistant” and will take an active part in raising her “unlucky father.” In the future, the girl will attract weak, worthless men. Only in this way will she be able to demonstrate her tough grip, ability to command and satisfy her needs for the re-education of everyone and everything.
4. Dad wanted a boy. The girl, out of love for her father, begins to remake herself into a boy. Demands to do it to her short haircut, wears appropriate clothes, adopts boyish manners. Thus, she relieves herself of worries about her beauty and receives attention in a male way. In adulthood, such a girl continues to be “her boyfriend,” but is extremely rarely considered as a “wife.”
