Today, many couples refuse legal marriage, believing that this is not necessary, and in life nothing changes from the stamp in the passport. Men and women live in the same apartment and live together for years, without thinking that in addition to the advantages, such relationships also have disadvantages.
There are also those who claim that civil marriage- a temporary phenomenon, and that sooner or later such relationships will come to an end. But you shouldn’t say it unequivocally, because legal marriage is not always a guarantee that you will live with this person for the rest of your life. Previously, non-legalized relationships between a man and a woman were not considered something significant, and people often treated this with disdain.
Time passes, and many bow down to the fact that without a stamp in a passport it is easier and freer to live, and if there is love between people, nothing will actually change. Almost everyone today talks about the advantages of civil marriage, but few people want to discuss the disadvantages. Let's take a closer look at what awaits the future of a woman who has agreed to such a relationship with a man.
1. Lack of stability in. In fact, the stamp in the passport limits and disciplines many people, which is very positive in modern conditions. Although many say that legalizing marriage means absolutely nothing, most still feel a certain responsibility and try to comply with generally accepted canons.
By it's nature women They tend to build certain ideals in their heads from childhood, so stability is something especially important for them. A strong family- this is one of the main life goals of most representatives of the fair sex, so civil marriage is something uncertain and shaky. If in an official marriage there are at least some responsibilities, rights and laws, then a civil marriage represents absolute permissiveness. Therefore, think carefully about what you are doing before you live for many years with a person who, in fact, did not even promise you anything.
2. Absence beautiful wedding in a civil marriage. No matter how much a woman says that she is skeptical about this event, everyone has dreamed of feeling like a queen since childhood. A snow-white limousine, a luxurious dress, beloved friends and beautiful photographs as a souvenir - all this is an irreplaceable attribute of a wedding that almost all representatives of the fair sex dream of. If you want to live your whole life with the same person without registering your relationship legally, be prepared for the fact that you will not have a wedding. Some people are happy with this, some are not, but you must clearly understand what awaits you ahead and what you may miss in the past.
3. Absolute freedom for a man in a civil marriage. Every man loves to have a warm, cozy, clean home, a hot, aromatic dinner and a snow-white, ironed bed waiting for him. But who told you that he considers himself obligated to you? Not every man believes that living together is automatically a ban on outside relationships.
That is why representatives of the stronger sex often tie relationship with other women, without feeling absolutely any remorse. Of course, in in this case everything depends solely on the man himself, but the absence of a stamp in the passport is absolute freedom for him. Official marriage is at least some kind of restriction for a man who wants to cheat on his beloved - division of property. The woman has a hard time, because even if she finds out about the betrayal, she will not be able to present anything. Absolute freedom of relationship, and that says it all.
4. Distribution of financial expenses in a civil marriage. Surely every woman who enters an official life expects something. At a minimum, it will be easier for her financially now, and the money she earns can easily be spent on herself, and not on paying for utilities or buying bread and potatoes.
Men sometimes think completely differently, believing that for him beloved the most important thing is living with him in the same apartment, and finances are a secondary matter. When a couple enters into an official relationship, everything becomes quite simple - financial expenses are divided at least in half, so the woman can be at least to some extent calm about her future. In a civil marriage there are no obligations, so you may be unpleasantly surprised that your loved one did not bother to get a job. new job or constantly asks you to pay off his loan.
5. The likelihood of being a backup option for your loved one all your life in a civil marriage. It is quite possible that a man refuses to officially establish a relationship with you because he is not completely sure of his choice. He may doubt whether you are really the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
It’s not very pleasant to realize this, but sometimes it’s worth recognizing what is fact. He's quite happy intimate life with you, loves your dishes and enjoys the time he spends with you, but is still not sure that you are the one and only. By agreeing to an official marriage, a man is ready to admit that now you two will be together for many years.
6. Pressure from relatives in a civil marriage. No matter how much you resist, people who are related to you will always be interested in your personal life. Now civil marriages are the norm; before there were completely different principles. That is why they will insist that you become a legal couple, and not just live under one roof, without any restrictions, rights and responsibilities. You will often hear why you are still single and when he will finally propose to you. It’s quite possible to listen to this once or twice, but over time, you will become very irritated.
7. Children in a civil marriage. No matter how banal it may sound, children need parents, and not just any parents, but legal ones. It's great if your loved one confirms the father's status and you will heal happy family, what if he doesn’t want to take on such responsibilities? Many women agree to a civil marriage without thinking about what this entails in the future, especially when the issue concerns the most precious thing - children.
Civil marriage - family relationships without a stamp in the passport The decision to live in a civil marriage is made independently by each of the partners. However, the responsibility for the development of relationships lies equally with both the man and the woman.
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Deciding on a civil marriage everyone must understand that euphoria will sooner or later be replaced by everyday life. Perhaps everyday life, sexual relationships, social obligations to each other and your relationships as a whole will change.
What do men and women think about civil marriage?
A survey of men and women of different ages and social status, showed that when entering into a civil marriage, men are often guided by the goal of preserving freedom. But many girls do not dare to have a civil marriage. Who is right? In fact, the truth, as usual, is hidden in the middle. And civil marriage has its pros and cons.
Sexual relations in a civil marriage
Plus. IN the best option you will be each other's only sexual partners. In addition, regular sex with a regular partner is the best way to prevent sexually transmitted diseases.
Minus. With the appearance of other partners in your sex life, the risk of sexually transmitted diseases increases many times over, along with the likelihood of conflicts and relationship breakdowns.
Civil marriage and life
Plus. Ideally, you take care of each other, run the household together, each performs their duties around the house, spend leisure time together: engage in a common hobby, have active recreation, communicate with friends and relatives.
Minus. In the worst case scenario, there is a “one-sided game” or everyone is more concerned with themselves.
Psychology of relationships in a civil marriage
Plus. Civil marriage can be an excellent continuation of close relationships for both men and women.
Minus. For men, as a rule, the postponement of the wedding date and their social status in a civil marriage does not cause much concern. But psychological balance can be seriously shaken against the backdrop of everyday troubles and constant discussions about the girl’s desire to become a “legitimate wife” and give birth to “legitimate” children. Confirmation of my words can be found on many Internet forums, filled with dissatisfied statements from girls regarding civil marriage.
The main problems of civil marriage, from the point of view of girls:
-they were not officially recognized as their wives;
- children born in a civil marriage are socially unprotected.
Against the backdrop of discomfort for these reasons, a girl may develop depression, and her depression is not only her problem, it is a common problem, since conflicts can occur based on these experiences. And sooner or later, everyone will have to make a decision: to leave or to stay, which means taking responsibility for the further development of the relationship.
Depending on how you build your relationship in a civil marriage, this stage of the relationship may end in different ways.
Options for the outcome of a civil marriage
1. Both of you will be fully satisfied with permanent residence in a civil marriage, and you will live and live and make good money. Such cases are known to history, but they are exceptions to the rule rather than a pattern.
2. At a certain stage of a relationship in a civil marriage, by your actions or inaction You will provoke the girl/man to leave or you will leave yourself.
3. In the process of developing relationships in a civil marriage, you will understand that really love each other and are ready for official marriage.
Social responsibility in a civil marriage
If you really love each other, of course you will care about each other regardless of whether your relationship is registered in the registry office or not. The breakup of a relationship in a civil marriage, as in an official one, is stressful for both partners.
Supporters of civil marriage, believe that in the event of a breakup, a man and a woman do not owe each other anything. This is not entirely true; all major joint acquisitions are divided equally between common-law spouses, according to Ukrainian legislation.
Children born in civilian marriage (which the man recognized as his own in the same registry office) have the same rights as children born in an official marriage.
Civil marriage statistics
During the first year of life, 18% of couples decide from civil marriage to official marriage; during the second - 20%; during the third - 17%. People living in a civil marriage for up to four years are more likely to decide on an official marriage than couples who have lived together for more than five years and given birth to children. For various reasons, couples living in a civil marriage most often separate in the first year. life together(almost 20% of couples), in the second - about 5% of couples, etc. Both women and men we interviewed believe that planning a child is the main reason why it is worth legitimizing their relationship in the registry office.
So is it worth living in a civil marriage?
Igor Ivanovich Gorpichenko, Doctor of Medical Sciences, Professor, Chief Sexologist of the Ministry of Health of Ukraine, General Director of the Ukrainian Institute of Sexology and Andrology, shared with us his thoughts on civil marriage.
People meet, it seems to them that they love each other, and there is not a single laboratory, not a single specialist who will say that this is love. Sometimes people understand at first sight that they are made for each other and they are not mistaken. Others mistake infatuation for love. Falling in love passes quickly enough, psychological discomfort and conflicts arise that lead to sexual and psychological disharmony in the couple. If the conflict situation is not resolved in time, divorce is brewing. The breakup of long-term family relationships is especially painful when there are already children and it is necessary to divide jointly acquired property.
Civil marriage - prevention of divorce
According to statistics in Ukraine, 30% of divorces occur due to sexual disharmony, about the same number for social reasons (lack of money, housing, etc.). But any problem is easier to prevent than to solve. And civil marriage will help with this.
Unlike romantic meetings, civil marriage– living together gives you the opportunity to undergo sexual tests and the opportunity to build harmonious relationships based on the compatibility of your interests, aspirations, habits, and worldview.
Sexual harmony
Regular sexual relationships will allow you to study each other's sexual habits, sexual appetites and achieve sexual harmony. Sexual compatibility is undoubtedly important in the harmony of a married couple’s relationship. The significant role of sexual harmony in a couple is evidenced by the fact that 30% of divorces occur precisely because of sexual disharmony between spouses. Therefore, sexual tests before marriage (civil marriage) are completely justified. Although family happiness has its secrets.
Selfishness is the main enemy of family well-being
The fulfillment of the expectations of both partners is of no small importance for family well-being. One of the main causes of conflicts is the “unfulfilled expectations” of women. Women make the mistake of expecting her chosen one to be a “prince on a white horse.”
Consumer attitude towards a loved one, like competition (which often occurs in most couples), is not love, it is selfishness. Selfishness is inappropriate in a prosperous family; it is the main cause of conflicts and psychological sexual problems, which inevitably lead to sexual disharmony.
The key to family well-being
- Family well-being can only be built on a solid foundation of a common worldview and mutual love: trusting relationships, mutual understanding, mutual respect, mutual care and compromise. All these components of family well-being will help to evaluate a civil marriage.
Civil marriage– practical preparation for official marriage. Every second couple living in a civil marriage decides to formalize their relationship. Both men and women consider the main reason why it is worth entering into an official marriage mutual love, planning and having children. Life in a civil marriage is not yet a guarantee, but it is already a reliable platform for building a strong and friendly family. Only a civil marriage will help you review your relationship with your potential spouse. Thanks to the experience of relationships in a civil marriage, you can reduce the risk of choosing the “wrong” life partner and create a happy family.
Now you can freely exchange feelings and not be embarrassed by your friends or family. Moreover, family and relatives can no longer express claims against your relationship; they are legal and, on the contrary, should help you equip your family nest.
As you know, marriage implies a mandatory sense of responsibility. It will manifest itself in the form of care, attention and support.
Constant sex
The most pleasant advantage of marriage is constant sex, and there will be more opportunities to do it. It is also a man's responsibility to spoil his wife with gifts. Now his responsibilities include giving money for food, clothes, a new fur coat is no exception.
True, for marriage you will have to jointly agree on important purchases for the family and joint travel. But if there is a stamp in your passport, then asking for a vacation with your husband is much easier. Having a spouse frees you from hard housework. It's nice to have an owner in the house. A mark in the passport will help in passing many authorities. For example, if you have to go to the clinic at the place where your spouse is registered. It’s also nice that you don’t have to worry about the future of your children if you have loving husband. And loneliness is not scary. Always loving people will be nearby.
About the pros and cons of “civil marriage”, about who is satisfied with unregistered relationships and who is not, and why people don’t want to get married - in an interview with family psychologist Svetlana Dedova.
Svetlana Dedova
family psychologist
“Civil marriage” is actually cohabitation
More and more Belarusians prefer not to document relationships, content with the so-called “civil marriage”. In fact, this phrase implies a real marriage, registered in the registry office, and not in the church. If people live like husband and wife for fun, this is cohabitation. Most people don't like this name.
Women in such relationships, according to the psychologist, consider themselves married. While men consider themselves bachelors.
It's not too bad and not entirely good. As a rule, either very young people live in “civil marriages”, or those who have already had an unsuccessful experience of marriage and legal red tape with the division of property.
The first, as the specialist says, check their feelings and are in no hurry to legitimize the relationship. The latter do not consider it necessary to put another stamp in the passport, so that later they will not have to regret it and divide the property again.
A woman more often than a man wants a formal relationship
Clients who come to me in the premarital period are mainly people 30-40 years old, there are also those who are from 25 to 30 years old. According to statistics, women more often than men want an official relationship, because this way they feel more confident and legally protected. In addition, women feel better as wives than as cohabitants.
Another reason is that in our society, most women earn less than men. Accordingly, representatives of the fair sex also have fewer opportunities.
If a couple in a civil marriage, for example, decides to separate, they will not divide the jointly acquired property. The questions will remain open. Therefore, when agreeing to a “civil marriage”, it is better to understand what such a relationship entails, what can be expected, and what, on the contrary, cannot be counted on. Women should not live in illusions.
The issue of the family budget, as the psychologist says, is always decided by two people. Each unregistered couple deals with this issue differently. Many living in such relationships maintain common expenses. Others feed on their own.
Equality in a civil marriage usually occurs if both partners have an equal financial status
It is important for those who enter into cohabiting relationships to understand that they usually do not have complete equality. Some are dominant, some are submissive. In a registered marriage, everything is somewhat different.
Usually it's 50/50, because... each party has legal protection. Equality in a “civil marriage” usually occurs only if both partners have approximately equal material well-being. If, when leaving, each of the partners can remain with housing and livelihood.
Most often, as the specialist says, the man is dominant or in charge in a couple. He earns more, but is often afraid of responsibility.
The subordinate in a couple has to agree to any conditions in order to preserve the relationship. Such a person often uses psychological defense when communicating with others, saying that he does not need marriage.
There was an example when a couple came to me and the woman in it said that they did not need a registered relationship. During the conversation, it became clear that deep down in her heart she wants an official marriage, wants to be a wife, but does not know what to do, and has come to terms with what is.
Men, according to the expert, feel more free in cohabitation, keeping all their material wealth with themselves.
Among those who live in a civil marriage, it is rarer, but there are couples with an equal decision to live together. Sometimes a woman is sure that in order to be with this man, she is ready to agree to such and such conditions. She understands that she will not be his official wife, will not receive status, but will be able to be close, winning his heart and receiving his love in return.
If a man does not want to formalize the relationship, it is unlikely that the woman will be able to do anything
Despite the stereotypical opinions, a woman’s desire to get married is not enough. Marriage involves two people, not a separate woman or a separate man. Any further relationship is a matter of two. If a man does not want marriage, there are hardly any ways to get a woman to formalize the relationship with her partner. Exception - various ways blackmail, which are unlikely to lead to an open, trusting relationship in a couple.
The psychologist suggests drawing an analogy with two companies. If one of them does not want to conclude an agreement, and the second does, nothing will work out. The same goes for a couple of people.
Sometimes there are situations when a woman decides that she is no longer ready for an unregistered relationship and leaves the man. Only after this does he, not wanting to lose her, propose marriage to the woman. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Sometimes a woman’s departure becomes the beginning of the end of a relationship.
There is another category of girls who agree only to official relationships, and they do not consider others in principle. Among Belarusian women there are also those who do not want to get married at all. These are, as a rule, women who stand firmly on their feet.
What stops people from getting married?
People most often do not get married because of fears. They are afraid of legal liability and loss of freedom. Many “make-believe husband and wife” are not confident in their partner or themselves.
The cause may be psychological trauma experienced in childhood (for example, divorce of mother and father). Young people are afraid to repeat the mistakes of their parents and prefer not to formalize the relationship. As a rule, behavior patterns are passed down from generation to generation. For example, women living without men know how to live without their husbands, but do not know how to live married. It is not a fact that such a woman will not start a family, but there is a high probability that she will behave in such a way that she will end up alone.
If one wants an official marriage, and the other does not, it is important, according to the psychologist, not to despair, but to answer the question “What do I really want?”
If you decide to change something in your relationship, it’s better to do it together. Some kind of test of feelings is possible, the question is how long it will last. Everyone decides this question for themselves.
Entering the so-called " trial marriage"Motivation is important. If it is implied that you can leave such a relationship at any time and no one owes anyone anything, this is a message that is not aimed at the desire to stay together.
Such motivation is similar to going to a competition without the desire to win. If a person initially sets himself up for victory, then it comes easier. It's the same in relationships. There are those who live together without marriage for 8-10 years (this is the maximum), and then still get married. It happens that after such a long time people break up.
Many problems can be solved if two people want it
The specialist says that she had a couple with extramarital affairs. The young people were not completely satisfied with each other, they did not know whether to leave the relationship or not. At the same time, the girl was reluctant to express her desire to marry.
We worked 3 times, and after a year and a half I found out that the young people were already married and happy. Many problems can be solved if two people want it. One of the best ways- tell each other openly about your expectations about your partner. If dialogue does not work out between two people, you can contact a psychologist.
In any case, according to a specialist, “civil marriage,” as in any phenomenon, has its pros and cons.
The positive thing is that each partner can leave the other at any time, so relationships are built more carefully. In addition, everyone has a certain freedom in relationships and, if necessary, lengthy divorce proceedings can be avoided.
Unfortunately, as the expert says, there are also disadvantages. In relationships there is always an element of tension and anxiety associated with uncertainty and instability. No one knows how long the other partner is willing to be in this relationship and what lies ahead for the couple.
In addition, there is legal insecurity (including common children) and inequality of partners.
In modern world? For what purposes do people get married today? The answers to these questions lie in the significant diversity of thoughts of each person to whom they are addressed. Having their own calculations, their own expectations in their personal individual understanding of the reasons for the desire to tie themselves to family ties, modern people often hastily make unilateral decisions. Let's live like this for now, and then we'll see. In other words, at random, letting everything take its course. Today, this form of relationship is commonly called “civil” marriage. That is, relationships that, by and large, do not oblige or burden the partners. What is the factor that keeps them close? This sexual attraction, which plays a primary role in building relationships between a man and a woman.
When entering into a “civil type” marriage, very often the “newlyweds” do not even think for a second that they have already lost something that they have not yet gained – these are relationships that are strengthened by law. They just don't care. After all, the only common interest in a “civil” marriage is sex, by and large. And if something doesn’t suit you, then why bother – pack your things and goodbye. What's there to waste on trifles? No one owes nothing to nobody. Is not it?
What makes people legally marry in such a situation? One of the most common reasons for this action is unplanned pregnancy. Reactions to this news can be very diverse. Some are happy, some are scared, etc. But let's look at the situation in a positive way.
They resigned themselves and were completely reconciled. Got married. This time it's legal. By the way, as we see, it was also not planned. It would seem that a child is the very thing that should unite the family and force them to resolve all disagreements and misunderstandings between spouses.
But that was not the case, it turns out. As the everyday life of our life shows, a child goes to the mercy of all the contradictions that arise in a newly created family.
Getting married: why legalize the relationship?
Based on the knowledge and discoveries that the newest and exact science of the human psyche – system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan – shares with us today, we are able to understand that sexual attraction is not the only factor that forms the legal relationship between a man and a woman upon marriage. If a young couple is sexually attracted to each other, then of course, this is the main sign that yes, you can be an ideal couple. But you cannot build a long-term relationship and live your life together with a person on attraction alone. Since unconditional sexual attraction between a man and a woman lasts up to three years. This is the necessary period in order to have time to get married.
Experiencing interest in each other on a sexual background, and at the same time being in a legal relationship, young spouses have all the prerequisites for creating strong emotional connections that will not allow their marriage to collapse even after the weakening of their mutual sexual desire. Since a stable and mutual emotional connection is a source of mutual understanding, finding common interests, intellectual kinship, which in turn interdependently constitutes a complete harmony of family life.
By legally marrying, we at the same time limit ourselves by law, just as it happened with our primitive human ancestor. We became human only thanks to the first laws. So, in a sense, legalized marriage still remains the foundation of a full-fledged family. If you are in a family, follow the law to preserve its integrity. If you don’t comply, that means you’re not in the family, that means there was no family. That is, getting married according to the “civil type” does not mean creating a full-fledged family, even if a child appears. Modern society is man and law. By losing the law, we are losing the state. A woman wants to belong. And a man owns. These desires are realized by legal marriage.
Getting married: reasons for disappointment
But today there are also other reasons that are destroyers of family happiness. The main one is that we are accustomed to defining other people solely by their external manifestations. For example, a representative-looking man is walking, richly dressed, neat and tidy. A woman will look and think to herself: “He’s so handsome and wealthy,” and decide to create a relationship with him. And he will turn out to be just a sexual user who changes sexual partners like gloves. Today one, and tomorrow another. Representatives of the skin vector are prone to such actions.
Or another example: a decent anal man, whose main life values are home comfort, family, children - that is, an exemplary family man who married a skin-visual woman who does not at all strive to have children, being by nature non-bearing. She has no maternal instinct. She doesn't sit at home. This is the only type of woman who has her own specific role. Her desire is to be visible, to look at new “pictures”, that is, everything new and beautiful. All men want her. A stranger among women and an insider among men. The best for all the children in the area, but she never gave birth to her own.
Systemic vector psychology shows that a man is attracted to a woman with the opposite set of vectors. It is so given by nature that opposites complement each other.
Before you strive to get married today, you need to understand that the psyche of a modern person is structured in a complex way. The average set of vectors is from two to five. And depending on temperament, level of development and implementation of vectors, certain life scenarios are created. As an individual, as well as in a couple and in society. This is the fundamental reason for understanding the internal properties of another person.
By getting married, and understanding our soulmate from the inside, we get a solid foundation for building family relationships. Today it is no longer necessary, having acquired a bad experience, to rush again to a new extreme, leading to new disappointments. System-vector psychology is a modern tool that serves to understand oneself and the people around them based on their internal content. And from this it follows that the systems approach gives us all the prerequisites for the preservation and development of an integral society that qualitatively understands the world around us.
Getting married: family and children
To survive at all costs and continue through time is the principle of human existence. From primitive communities to modern society. Children is our future. This is how it has always been and will always be. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan defines the internal qualities of a person as the unconscious, the mental - a hidden set of desires given by nature. And each innate vector has its own set. A person from birth is given properties, corresponding desires and the possibility of their high-quality implementation in the future. This is all given, but not guaranteed.
With each generation the psychic increases in volume. And each new generation of people is fundamentally different from us in the strength of their desires. Therefore, when getting married, a huge necessity, in addition to understanding each other, is to understand and distinguish the internal properties of the future generation - their children. After all, you can develop the talent of a little person only by accurately identifying him. The modern generation of children is endowed with a very large volume of the psyche, which at the same time is vulnerable and vulnerable to external factors.
It is important to understand the inner aspirations of a little person and direct him towards their development. A person realized in his qualities is the key to the success of modern society. If a child is born and grows up in a dysfunctional family, this often causes irreversible damage to his mental development. For example, a child with a sound vector is potentially a genius. And if it develops incorrectly, it can develop autism, schizophrenia, become a drug addict, or even commit suicide. Kozhnik is potentially a legislator, a talented engineer, or a pathological thief, with a scenario for failure, with erroneous development.
And vice versa. By systematically understanding the child’s psyche, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to disfigure it. Having entered into marriage, having behind us a unique store of knowledge that system-vector psychology provides today, we are guaranteed to be able to ensure a happy future not only for our marriage and children, but also for the qualitative development of the entire society, which today, more than ever, needs to eliminate psychological illiteracy.
The article was written using training materials on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.
