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I allow myself to be imperfect
My life with children is reminiscent of that old joke where the first child had everything sterilized, and the third eats from the cat’s bowl and this is the cat’s problem. We don’t have a cat, but we have a dad who was so worried about the newborn eldest that he quartzed the apartment a couple of times a day. Naturally, he took out a special lamp, kicked me out of the room, and the ultraviolet madness began. However, I was also ready to irradiate not only the living space, but also all the guests forcibly, because they have microbes, and we have a doll. No wonder no one came.
With our second daughter, we didn’t even take out the scary lamp; the guests were suspiciously happy, especially if they agreed to babysit the girls. Now the youngest is crawling with all her might, and I still try to wipe the floors every day. Although if I couldn’t do this during the day, I won’t start soaping the parquet in “zombie” mode at night. With a second child, it’s easier to allow yourself to be - not to iron children’s things, not to bathe the baby for forty minutes every day, not to go for walks when you don’t have the strength, and not to do much else. At the same time, do not feel guilty and do not compare yourself with other mothers. If this is possible in principle.
I'm not trying to raise a genius
I have a photo on Facebook - in it, my eldest two-month-old daughter is nuzzling the Van Gogh reproductions carefully placed along the side of the crib. It’s funny now, but then I was sure that two months was the right age to get acquainted with the post-impressionists. Having barely learned to hold her head up, my daughter became the constant and only listener to my teaching monologues. “Look, Nina,” I shared my knowledge, “this is a house, it has ten floors, let’s count: one, two, three...” The child joyfully drooled in response. I didn’t give up, it’s clear that after three it will be too late. And the girl developed according to her age, not paying attention to my pedagogical exercises.
The second daughter is now seven months old and all her intellectual development is that it sometimes rustles garbage bag. When he gets to him.
Books about early development covered in dust, no one shows the baby black and white pictures with letters, no one tortures her with special children's music to improve cognitive abilities. I perform exclusively the hug-kissing function, but in radio mode it’s already crackling. I've settled in very well, I think.
Confident in myself as a mother
Only with my second child did I finally believe in myself as a mother. And if earlier I listened more to experts on how to raise, love, treat and feed my daughters, now I focus on my knowledge and instinct. Of course, the fear for the baby has not gone away, but now I can control it because I trust myself and am not afraid of mistakes. For example, with the first child, the start of complementary feeding was an event; even so, it was an EVENT for which the whole family prepared.
We decided: start with cereals or vegetables, give proven jars or stock up on a blender and farmer's, choose instant cereals or grind cereals. I spent nights on the Internet, studying articles and forums and endlessly doubting decisions made. My daughter, as if sensing my insecurity, sabotaged dinners as best she could - she spat pumpkin, overturned a plate of buckwheat and smeared cottage cheese on the table.
With my youngest, there was no longer such tossing; I clearly understood what I would feed her, on what schedule and what I would do if she refused to eat. And lo and behold, no problems - little Verochka has an exceptional appetite and greedily eats even the controversial broccoli. To feed the first daughter, it took an hour of time and a mother-animator with a solo program, now a maximum of twenty minutes, including washing the dishes and a glass of green tea after. And it’s not about a specific successful choice of food, but about my inner confidence that everything is going well. Children are telepaths - didn’t you know?
Problems out of the blue - thank you, no need
The sleep of not only an alcoholic, but also a young mother’s is short and disturbing. The first night with my eldest daughter, I didn’t sleep, I kept looking at her. No, she wasn’t touched, but she was vigilant to see if she was breathing. And the following nights too. I endlessly searched the Internet in search of information: how much should a child sleep at one month, and at one and a half, and at six? If she suddenly exceeded the age norm, then I sat and worried whether the baby was healthy. Sometimes for hours, because I came across a nicely sleeping baby. And my daughter slept exclusively on her stomach like a frog, and I read on the Internet that this was dangerous. And I was terribly nervous at first, trying to turn the person from an amphibian pose into some position more approved by Internet pediatricians. That is, we didn’t have any real ones, but there were a lot of my personal dances around the crib.
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The second daughter sleeps as much as she needs - twenty minutes or four hours, in the position in which she is comfortable. And most importantly, while she is sleeping, I go about my business, and do not sit with a conventional stopwatch and do not wait for her to wake up. Because coffee won’t drink itself, and chocolate won’t eat itself - so I try.
No illusions about life after childbirth
When I was expecting my first daughter, I thought that a child was just a new pleasant addition to life, like another hobby. “Just to give birth and give birth to a healthy child, and then it’s nonsense,” I thought naively. It never occurred to me that childbirth is just the beginning of a long journey that we will walk along with our baby from now on and forever. In this new reality, my desires meant almost nothing; I had no control over myself, my time and personal space. With all my love for the child, I was not ready for this.
I remember the heady feeling of freedom when, for the first time after giving birth, I went out alone to the store to buy bread and how, oh God, I didn’t want to go home, but wanted to wander the streets and endlessly and pointlessly watch the snow fall.
After some time, I accepted this life: I learned to change diapers with eyes closed, clean the entire apartment in half an hour, cook only healthy food, don’t shout and count to ten if a cheerful little one pours borscht on the floor.
In general, I prepared both morally and psychologically for the appearance of the second one. And when she was born, in our family life nothing much has changed. Well, several new worries were added, but there was no talk of any radical revolution, like the first time. But there was a quiet joy: I forgot to breathe from the tenderness near her crib. What’s surprising is that now I feel freer and happier with me than with one. This is what a life-giving habit does.
For some, a second pregnancy is desired and expected, while for others, as one of my friends (who already had one child) put it: “I walked around with bells ringing in my head for several days.”
One way or another, having experienced the first emotions, do you wonder what to do next? Second child: easier or more difficult? I hope that abortion will not be a way out for you in any case. Therefore, you will have to prepare again for life’s metamorphoses, only now taking into account the presence of your first-born.
A website for mothers will tell you what to expect from your second pregnancy and what you should pay special attention to.
Second child: pros and cons
Firstly, during the second pregnancy, the mother (and dad too) takes everything that happens more calmly, since there is no longer the novelty that was with the first-born. And this is not bad at all: there is no fear of the unknown; the woman, like a mother, has already taken place.
Secondly, the first child helps the mother to distract herself, and in the everyday hustle and bustle of pregnancy, pregnancy passes faster.
Thirdly, the birth itself is more fleeting and, as a rule, goes easier.
Among the difficulties of the second pregnancy, one can name more pronounced toxicosis, since the mother does not always have an extra hour to lie down, rest, and recover. And toxicosis, as you know, does not like fuss.
How to prepare for the arrival of a second baby in your home? Our advice
1. It’s time to pay increased attention to the independence of the first child and start eliminating “weak points.” Let him master and consolidate in practice useful skills that will significantly simplify your life.
Can he dress himself and tie his shoes? How about sitting on the potty on your own? You should take special care of these skills, because soon you will have nothing to do with it. Does the baby know how to play quiet, not noisy games? Teaching your child to be quiet is also extremely important.
2. If you are still breastfeeding your first baby, decide whether you will continue breastfeeding until the birth, so that you can feed both of them, or is it time to wean your firstborn?
If you choose the second option, then this must be done in the first half of pregnancy , otherwise the child may associate weaning with the appearance of a brother/sister on the horizon, which will be associated with negative emotions.
And any changes in the family regime should be made in advance.
For example, kindergarten. Don't start teaching your child to kindergarten, when there is nothing left before giving birth. So, again, to avoid combining the child’s stress about kindergarten with the appearance of a “competitor.” Or moving from mother’s bed to a separate “burrow” - all these subtleties are best done in advance.
3. It is certainly worth preparing the first child for the addition to the family, but it is better to do this when the belly is already visible. This way it will be easier for the baby to come to terms with everything when everything is practically before his eyes. In addition, it is difficult for children to wait and imagine how it will all be until no noticeable changes are visible.
4. You should also think through all force majeure circumstances in advance. If, God forbid, you need early hospitalization, who will your firstborn be left with? Are there reliable people who can look after him temporarily? Or is there a trusted nanny available, at least for a week? It’s good if they already know the baby and spent time together, then the mother’s unexpected absence will not be psychologically traumatic for him.
5. Pay the first child's attention to small children - how they play, eat, try to pronounce their first words and express emotions. Show him his childhood photographs, films, pictures from magazines.
6. Teach your child not only to take, but also to share your care, love, and mercy. Maybe you have small animals at home? Does the child know how to take care of them: walk, treat, feed, bathe, clean the cage, or is this solely the prerogative of the parents?
If he has such skills in caring for defenseless creatures, the chance of a responsible and kind attitude towards the birth of the baby increases markedly. Teach, teach and once again teach your child to give, to open your heart to the weak! It would be nice to go with him to a shelter for homeless animals and take humanitarian aid, even if it’s just a little bit. There can be a lot of options for “developing kindness” here, and it all depends on how ready you are to help.
7. Last but not least. If, upon discharge from the maternity hospital, you will be greeted by your family, relatives and your now eldest child, don't forget about him. Hug him and tell him how much you missed him all the days you were in the maternity hospital.
Your family and friends will probably congratulate you on your new baby. Ask, if possible, of course, that they do not forget about the first baby. Let him be given attention on this day, delighting him with small amenities, toys and gifts.
This is the first step to avoiding possible future jealousy and resentment of the child for the lack of constant attention to which he is accustomed.
Of course, these are only the most general tips and there are many pitfalls ahead in the relationship between older and younger children. Childhood jealousy deserves a separate discussion. How to ensure that sisters and brothers are not only family, but also friends? How to make sure that there are no quarrels and even fights in the subsequent years of living under the same roof? We will tell you about all this in the next part of ours.
First and second child: mother’s reaction
And finally, a few funny examples of how our attitude towards children changes with experience.
How does mom change diapers?
- The first child every hour, regardless of whether he is dry or not.
- For the second child, every few hours if necessary.
What does a mother do if her pacifier falls on the ground while out for a walk?
- First child. He immediately puts it in his pocket and boils it when he gets home.
- Second child. Turning it over in his hands, he rinses it with juice from the jar and puts it in place.
How does mom behave with the nanny?
- First child. Calls home every hour to find out what and how.
- Second child. Leaving the house, she discovers that she forgot to leave her phone number with the nanny.
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: it’s easier with a second child! Ekaterina Mazeina, mother of two daughters, talks about her personal experience. 1) I allow myself to be imperfect. My life with children is reminiscent of that old joke where the first child was sterilized, and the third one eats from the cat’s bowl and this is the cat’s problem. We don’t have a cat, but we have a dad who was so worried about the newborn eldest that he quartzed the apartment a couple of times a day. Naturally, he took out a special lamp, kicked me out of the room, and the ultraviolet madness began. However, I was also ready to irradiate not only the living space, but also all the guests forcibly, because they have microbes, and we have a doll. No wonder no one came. With our second daughter, we didn’t even take out the scary lamp; the guests were suspiciously happy, especially if they agreed to babysit the girls. Now the youngest is crawling with all her might, and I still try to wipe the floors every day. Although if I couldn’t do this during the day, I won’t start soaping the parquet in “zombie” mode at night. With a second child, it’s easier to allow yourself to be imperfect - not to iron children’s things, not to bathe the baby for forty minutes every day, not to go for walks when you don’t have the strength, and much more. At the same time, do not feel guilty and do not compare yourself with other mothers. If this is possible in principle. 2) I'm not trying to raise a genius. I have a photo on Facebook - in it, my eldest two-month-old daughter is nuzzling the Van Gogh reproductions carefully placed along the side of the crib. It’s funny now, but then I was sure that two months was the right age to get acquainted with the post-impressionists. Having barely learned to hold her head up, my daughter became the constant and only listener to my teaching monologues. “Look, Nina,” I shared my knowledge, “this is a house, it has ten floors, let’s count: one, two, three...” The child joyfully drooled in response. I didn’t give up, it’s clear that after three it will be too late. And the girl developed according to her age, not paying attention to my pedagogical exercises. Books about early development are covered with dust, no one shows the baby black and white pictures with letters, no one tortures her with special children's music to improve cognitive abilities. I exclusively perform the hug-kissing function, and in radio mode the older child is already chattering. I've settled in very well, I think. 3) I am confident in myself as a mother. Only with my second child did I finally believe in myself as a mother. And if earlier I listened more to experts on how to raise, love, treat and feed my daughters, now I focus on my knowledge and instinct. Of course, the fear for the baby has not gone away, but now I can control it because I trust myself and am not afraid of mistakes. For example, with the first child, the start of complementary feeding was an event; even so, it was an EVENT for which the whole family prepared. We decided: start with cereals or vegetables, give proven jars or stock up on a blender and farm zucchini, choose instant cereals or grind cereal. I spent nights on the Internet, studying articles and forums and endlessly doubting the decisions I had made. My daughter, as if sensing my insecurity, sabotaged dinners as best she could - she spat pumpkin, overturned a plate of buckwheat and smeared cottage cheese on the table. With my youngest, there was no longer such tossing; I clearly understood what I would feed her, on what schedule and what I would do if she refused to eat. And lo and behold, no problems with complementary feeding - baby Verochka has an exceptional appetite and greedily eats even controversial broccoli. To feed the first daughter, it took an hour of time and a mother-animator with a solo program, now a maximum of twenty minutes, including washing the dishes and a glass of green tea after. And it’s not about a specific successful choice of food, but about my inner confidence that everything is going well. Children are telepaths - didn’t you know? 4) Problems out of the blue - no thanks, no need. The sleep of not only an alcoholic, but also a young mother’s is short and disturbing. The first night in the maternity hospital with my eldest daughter, I did not sleep, I kept looking at her. No, she wasn’t touched, but she was vigilant to see if she was breathing. And the following nights too. I endlessly searched the Internet in search of information: how much should a child sleep at one month, and at one and a half, and at six? If she suddenly exceeded the age norm, then I sat and worried whether the baby was healthy. Sometimes for hours, because I came across a nicely sleeping baby. And my daughter slept exclusively on her stomach like a frog, and I read on the Internet that this was dangerous. And I was terribly nervous at first, trying to turn the person from an amphibian pose into some position more approved by Internet pediatricians. That is, we didn’t have any real problems with sleep, but there was a lot of my personal dancing around the crib. The second daughter sleeps as much as she needs - twenty minutes or four hours, in the position in which she is comfortable. And most importantly, while she is sleeping, I go about my business, and do not sit with a conventional stopwatch and do not wait for her to wake up. Because coffee won’t drink itself, and chocolate won’t eat itself - so I try. 5) There are no illusions about life after childbirth. When I was expecting my first daughter, I thought that a child was just a new pleasant addition to life, like another hobby. “Just to give birth and give birth to a healthy child, and then it’s nonsense,” I thought naively. It never occurred to me that childbirth is only the beginning of a long journey that we will walk along with our baby from now on and forever. In this new reality, my desires meant almost nothing; I had no control over myself, my time and personal space. With all my love for the child, I was not ready for this. After some time, I accepted this life: I learned to change diapers with my eyes closed, clean the entire apartment in half an hour, cook only healthy food, not scream and count to ten if a cheerful baby spills borscht on the floor. In general, I prepared both morally and psychologically for the appearance of the second one. And when she was born, nothing much changed in our family life. Well, several new worries were added, but there was no talk of any radical revolution, like the first time. But there was a quiet joy: I forgot to breathe from the tenderness near her crib. What’s surprising is that now with two children I feel freer and happier than with one. This is what a life-giving habit does.
