Svetlana, 29 years old.
Divorced, two children.
Hello)) I have the same problem - I love an ex who constantly reminds me of himself.
I divorced my boyfriend a year and a half ago (there were many reasons, and in principle there was no love, we lived for 6 years only because of the children, my son is 5, my daughter is 10). Then I met a guy (he’s 27, I’m 29), purely by chance, on Viber... We started talking and dating. Everything dragged on and began to spin, we practically began to live together. Five months later, I began to notice that he became colder, called less often, wrote less often, constantly making excuses that he had no time to come to me, etc. Naturally, I began to blow his mind about this, cry, hysteria. To be offended... Then we had a conversation. To my question: “What happened, have you become some kind of stranger?” he replied: “I don’t want a serious relationship, I don’t want claims, I want to be on my own, but I also want to communicate with you...”... Well, in general, he then said that he just wants a relationship without obligations. As I understand it, because of the children (((
This offended me, it hurt me very much... This is where our communication ended. (on my initiative). I changed my phone number and he found it. He calls and laughs, as if he was mocking him on purpose... 8 months have passed since we broke up, during this period he wrote - he called four times, we met twice... I can’t build relationships with anyone, although there are quite a lot of worthy suitors around me... He's constantly in my head. At night I cry like a little girl... I didn’t have such feelings for my husband. And I only recently realized that I love him... He doesn’t have any relationship either. And he won’t be with me, why should he - I have two children... I want to forget him, it doesn’t work... My soul is torn to pieces inside.
Svetik Svetovskii
Hello Svetik Svetovskii! I understand from your story that this man does not need you in any way, except for rare meetings when the mood strikes. That your communication over 8 months has been reduced to 4 calls and 2 meetings. At the same time, you suddenly decided lately that you are in love with him, although you are dating other men and “there are a lot of worthy suitors around.” And your friend openly tells you that he just wants sex without obligations, deliberately finds your phone and “Calls, laughs, as if he’s mocking you on purpose...”. What exactly attracts you to this man, what sets him apart from others, besides his inappropriate behavior?
What kind of help do you expect from a psychologist?
Hello Irina) I dated two men, trying to forget him. Nothing came of it. I myself cut off communication, because I constantly compared him with them, they just started to irritate me... I can’t explain why he hooked me, how he stands out among the whole crowd - he’s far from handsome, but at the same time he’s not ugly. .. But I like everything about him, for the life of me... I understand that I’m behaving like a rag, but I can’t help it. What kind of help do I want - to start loving myself, to stop loving him, because it’s pointless... At first, after the breakup, I thought it was attachment, for a month and a half I was in a terrible depression, crying every day and hardly eating... I drove myself away thoughts - that maybe I love you. Then I began to hate him and despise him. Because it hurt me so much... We met for the first time after breaking up five months later. The second time, two weeks later... Well, for three months he has been in my head again, but now it hurts me even more. A week ago he called again, asking how I was doing and what I was doing. 20 minutes of chatting about basically nothing, but he didn’t even hint at meeting... I don’t understand why he’s doing this, knowing that he’s for me for a reason...
Svetik Svetovskii
“At first, after the breakup, I thought it was affection, I was in a terrible depression for a month and a half, crying every day and hardly eating... I drove away the thoughts that I might love him. Then I began to hate him, despise him. For what I had it hurts so much... We met for the first time after breaking up five months later. The second time after two weeks..."
Svetik Svetovskii, from your story it is clear that you already experienced a painful breakup with him once, and then you learned and can live quite normally without him - nothing bad happens
What's stopping you from blocking his phone and stopping communicating with him completely? If you want to start a family, then this man doesn’t even give you that hope - he very definitely showed you your place.
The fact that he is in your head is understandable - he disappears and appears suddenly when he wants. And you are always on edge, thinking about him, because you are waiting for him to show up. At the same time, he does not offer you anything other than rare sex. If such a relationship suits you and excites your imagination, then you can continue to participate in his game. He doesn’t care about your feelings, he lives the way he wants, without even trying to pretend that he is caring for you.
What makes sense for you to think about - those months that you don’t communicate in person, who does he spend time with? How many other girls like him do he have on standby? He does not meet with anyone constantly, but does this mean that all these months he has been leading a monastic lifestyle?
I understand perfectly well that he has some kind of personal life of his own. Yes, I lived without him until he appeared again, only now it hurts me a thousand times more. I reproach myself for allowing all this to happen. I also don’t want to be in the role of a fleeting lover every three to two months. Perhaps I hope that he will reconsider his views - which is unlikely.
Yesterday I wrote to him myself, offering to meet (which I now regret!), to which he replied - maybe... Someday, in the coming days. I'm behaving like a fool, telling myself off. I want to forget him, to begin to hate him. I can’t... I look for flaws in him and immediately smooth them out. Some kind of vicious circle...
Svetik Svetovskii
Svetik Svetovskii, this vicious circle will continue until the moment you are available for communication. If you block his phone and remove all contacts associated with him, then your torment will end very soon.
In the meantime, you leave yourself a loophole for communication, you are simply playing with your feelings - scratching old sores. The activity is very dubious in terms of usefulness.
Well, you will spend a few more years under the impression of this man, you will suffer - what then? What will you be left with? Why all this torment?
“Good suitors,” of whom there are many around you now, will get married and your circle of pleasant communication will become empty. Do you still plan to live from call to call, from meetings every six months to the next? Are you waiting for your man to announce that he got married (to a young woman without children)? How will you feel about this? Wouldn't you feel sorry for the years spent waiting for nothing?
Good afternoon. I'm dating a young man. We've been together for six months now. I can't help but say that I love him very much. Him too. I have no doubt about this =) And this is the “problem”. My lover had his first love with her, he lived for 6 years. She is three years older than him. I took the boy under guardianship at the age of 18. Accordingly, she was 21 years old at the time.
He loved her more than life itself. You know (I’ll step back a little), one can only dream of such love. He did everything for her, gave himself without reserve. She was walking. I was deceiving. She constantly hurt him. Eventually they broke up. And now two years have passed. During this time, I am the first girl he has with whom he decided to start a serious relationship. I won’t say that everything is fine with us... like everyone else... quarrels, passion, love, emotions... But not about that, but about the fact that his ex-girlfriend constantly appears, every two months.
She calls and asks:
— We need a tent (when they broke up, she came and took away all the furniture, including the plates).
- Either she feels bad - she has no one to talk to, or she feels good - she has no one to rejoice with. In general, he constantly reminds himself of himself.
I'm just torn with jealousy all this time. What’s most interesting is that she told him that she was incredibly jealous of me. He tells me a lot about her. Even more than I would like to know. I just don’t know what to do, I’m confident in him, but not one hundred percent. I'm afraid that it will come back or something... I don't even know. In the house in which they lived, I will now live with him. Everywhere I turn, everything reminds me of her. Although everything has changed. Right down to wallpaper to floor painting. I don’t feel like it’s “mine.” He is very worried about this. We quarrel often.
Don’t think, I had a lot of conversations with him on this topic, he swears to me of his love, that he will not betray me. And after talking, it doesn’t just let me go, but somehow I forget, it goes away for a while. Then it starts again. I can’t kill this jealousy in myself. I just can not. Maybe you can tell me how to do the right thing... How not to worry about this. How to behave... Or not to pay attention...
And recently I was completely “killed”. We didn’t see each other for two days, I was leaving for personal reasons, then I arrived, he came, and then she called him. Without spending even five minutes with me, he rushed off to talk. Although he never allowed this to happen to me before. So, after talking with her for forty minutes, he returned as if nothing had happened... Then morning... Her call again... scandal... I had to offer her help... I wrote to him, maybe I can help her with something... things, cosmetics... I just got tired of it...
So we live like this... I don’t see a way out... It’s as if there is none. But “fresh thoughts” would not hurt me. Thank you in advance.
Sincerely, Julia
Hello Tatyana! My husband and I have been together for 2 years. At the time we met, he was married, but they didn’t live together for 3 years, they lived in different cities and he came from time to time to see his son! I found out about this almost immediately and didn’t I didn’t pretend to anything, there were many problems in families, and I didn’t want to interfere in someone else’s family, although the reason was far from me. He assured me that he had serious intentions towards me, in general, I resisted for a long time and eventually gave up! We soon began to live together; we didn’t interfere with communicating with the child on Skype and traveling to see our son (he stayed not at her house, but at his parents’ house)! He told her that he was already living with another girl, his new relationship was pleasing and he puts an end to his relationship with her. When she heard this, she found me on a social network, wrote me 2 messages, as you understand, with not the best content. I ignored them. Then, half a year later, we moved to our hometown, where my first wife lived. Mine introduced me to his son, he and I immediately found a common language, to which mine was very surprised, because... They have such a boy, well, he doesn’t even make contact with his family, but with me right away! We often took him, the child really liked it with us, when he came home the child told how fun and interesting he was with me (of course they asked him , because at that time he was almost 6 years old) And she was not happy about it, and then endless calls began, with or without reason, to my now husband. I made it clear to mine that I was not pleased with this, he explained to her , she calmed down, After some time, she filed for an official divorce, and they agreed that the husband dresses the child, the husband pays for school (preparatory school before secondary education) When she filed for divorce, she had a young man. Mine he said that he would finally leave behind and calm down. We really dressed the child seasonally, towards the end of summer and autumn, it seemed like it wasn’t enough for her, she filed for alimony, here mine was seriously angry, and finally hated seeing her. Through friends, he became listed as a janitor , at the company. But when we took the child, we bought everything for him. She got furious and began to overwhelm me with her calls with complaints. Mine is always on edge. Then she calmed down for a while. But it didn’t last long, I again reminded mine that I didn’t like when she calls not about the child, but to sort things out and congratulate her on February 23! Then he quarreled with her to smithereens. For a long time she was not seen or heard, and he was working and could not see the child, and did not want to for her. That guy ran away from her. A month later they began to take the child away, but much less often. We got married, then went on vacation. Before leaving, I went to see her on social networks, and what did I see on her wall???.... (I don’t know why, I obviously felt it) I was in shock, she pumped herself up with all sorts of teenage nonsense, format: how I want, they will come back to you..., come back, I will forgive everything... etc.!!! I remained silent, didn’t say anything to my friend. We had a great rest, returned 2 days later, my nervous, angry one says, she called him and said: “I need to meet with you and talk. The child got into a fight at school (he went to 1st grade this year), the psychologist conducted tests, they are all off the charts, it’s all because of that , that he is growing up in a single-parent family. It’s hard for me alone!!! “Mine made it clear that he won’t meet, if it’s about the child, then we should talk on the phone. He asked maybe he should go to school, but the boys were all they fight, especially since they have him, he’s like that on his own, with everyone when he doesn’t like something, and with his grandmother, and with her, and with his grandfather, and with mine, but not with me, by the way. In the end, mine in general freaked out and said, “Should I now make peace with you and get married???” She: “Why are you doing this right away?!” Actually, he sent her and hung up. After his story, I was shocked, I realized that she was trying to get him back, but not again, maybe a year after the divorce??? My husband is now confused, nervous, lost, he picks on me about little things, in bed it’s also the same for us, he doesn’t make contact, doesn’t want to talk, he just answers that he’s tired and doesn’t know anything. I kind of understand that it’s because of her, and at the same time I’m nervous, I have nothing to do with it, but it’s affecting me! I don’t know what to do, how to get my husband to talk, how to behave in this situation! And I wonder when we have children will appear, she will stir things up, we will quarrel because of her. He still has a subconscious fear that everything will happen again, and that’s why he doesn’t want children! In general, I don’t know what to do. Please tell me! Thanks in advance!
Answers from psychologists
Olga, hello!
From your letter it is clear that your ex-wife has a complex character and she does not behave very adequately, but this is a fact. You can't fix it and don't try. In relation to her, your task is to remain in a “cold mind” and not react to her “hooks” and manipulations. In such situations, I use a technique that helps me: mentally at such moments I say to myself: “This person does not know what he is doing.” At such moments, try to distance yourself from the conflict, to be not inside, but as if outside it, as an outside observer.
In relation to her husband: she ruins his life even more than yours, manipulating him also with the help of her son. He really needs support and understanding from you. Try to work out with him certain boundaries and a certain way of behavior towards your ex-wife.
Olga, why did he love you? You have a lot of things that he liked about you at one time and likes now. This is your resource. Take advantage of this and show your best side. Let home for him be the haven to which he always wants to return.
Don’t exaggerate scandals, but rather get together and go to the cinema, for example, or do something that you both like.
Regarding the financial side: discuss the amount that you can allocate for the maintenance of the child. And it’s probably better to inform your ex-wife about this so that she knows what she can count on.
Live by the principle: do not look back at the past, but look to the future and enjoy the present.
Regarding my son, of course, it’s not easy. Try to create the most calm and loving atmosphere possible for him when he is with you. It would be better to instill in him respect for his mother, even if she does rash things. Regarding his test scores, if possible, work with a private child psychologist and get recommendations from him. The child now has a lot of negative feelings (just like adults) and the psychologist will teach both him and you how best to express them in a form that is safe for others.
I wish you success and happiness. Sincerely, Tatyana Bashmakova.
Good answer 3 Bad answer 2Question for a psychologist:
Two months ago I broke up with a girl I love very much (she initiated the breakup), all this time I was just thinking about how to get her back, she didn’t communicate with me for a month, I tried to start a dialogue but she ignored me and then I decided to “get lost” and get away from her. And then one fine evening, when I was coping well with depression, she calls me, apologizes for everything, asks to meet, I knew that it was wrong to go to her again, but I decided anyway. for the last three weeks she has been the initiator of all meetings, all these all these meetings I could not understand her, why she was calling me, asking if I had found a new girl, and in general I regretted that I went to her, we discuss the weather, business and other absurd conversations , she complains about how bad everything is for her, and so on. Friends say that she doesn’t get enough attention, but now I’m really crazy, even though these are mediocre walks, we communicate like friends, but I’m still waiting for her to call again. . . Maybe she wants me to become her friend? I racked my brains for a long time about this, why she needed all this, these meetings, these mediocre conversations. And on our last meeting, on Friday, something strange happened, we were visiting her aunt, by the way, her aunt was shocked that she saw us together again, so we drank tea, talked, in general this is not the most pleasant thing (walking around to her relatives) I was puzzledly watching the news, which was completely uninteresting to me, and then my gaze accidentally fell on my ex, and there was that same loving look, the same as that evening when she confessed her love, (Or maybe this is an illusion ?maybe I presented what I wanted? although such a look cannot be confused with anything) this look was fixed on me for a long time, but then when she realized that I was looking into her eyes, she quickly looked away. . . We sat in silence, I saw her off, she hugged me goodbye, and after that meeting I was again broken. Again on nerves, again mired in memories, in general, everything is like in the first days of separation. Maybe we shouldn’t meet at all? I feel like a rag now because I can’t let her go and break off the relationship.
Psychologist Ekaterina Viktorovna Prokhorova answers the question.
Alexander, hello!
You write that you broke up with your girlfriend 2 months ago, and now you are communicating again. You don’t understand what’s going on, why she initiates meetings and what to expect from the relationship. You feel lost, confused and guilty, which is understandable in this situation. You want to be together again, but at the same time you feel guilty before yourself for giving in to the desire to date. The main thing that I saw in your letter is that you don’t know what a girl wants and are worried that she will hurt you.
The best thing you can do now is talk to the girl. Discuss with her what is happening, how she feels towards you, what she wants from your relationship. It is always difficult to enter into a direct dialogue, especially when it comes to strong feelings. Do not be afraid. Initiating the conversation and finding out what is going on in your relationship at the moment is the only correct and powerful decision.
Good day to you, Marina!
It hurts you because you are waiting and thinking about these calls, i.e. you fill these situations with energy and they arise again to feed on your energy. I mean your situations. Your task is to deprive all your memories of energy, i.e. “weaken” them so that these memories do not bring you negative emotions. Our memory is designed in such a way that almost everything you saw, heard or felt for more than a second will be remembered. It is impossible to completely erase any memories. But you have the power to deprive the energy of those memories that bring you pain. You may ask, why do we still forget something? Yes, that’s right, we most often forget what is not filled with energy. There are, however, cases when very, simply super-difficult memories are forgotten without our volitional participation. This usually happens when situations, in their intensity and content, threaten a person’s life or sanity. But this happens very rarely. As a rule, a person remembers everything. So. Your task is to deprive the energy of those memories that are unpleasant to you, and you also need to learn to perceive the appearance of your exes calmly.
You need to understand why, firstly, your “exes” appear, and, secondly, why this repeats with each of your “exes”. The fact is that you periodically remember them yourself. And it doesn’t matter with what feeling - with sadness, resentment or fear, especially with horror - in this way you send certain signals. There is still a “thread” between you that you pull. Therefore, you should stop remembering them yourself - pulling the thread. Cut it off. Of course, you remember the pain that they brought both in the process of communication and in the process of parting, and you are angry with them, offended. And you need to forgive. Forgive and let go. Further. Do not respond to calls, letters, text messages or other attempts to communicate. Just don't answer. They will still make a couple of attempts, but then they will come unstuck. This has been verified.
Regarding the last man. This type of individual, especially, must be deprived of the joy of communicating with you. Apparently, he is trying to manipulate you, and to some extent he succeeds. Let him go in peace. Forgive and let go.
There are many techniques for this. If you decide to perform all these surgical actions with your bruise, write to the chat.
Good luck and all the best to you!
Good afternoon. I was interested in your answer “Good day to you, Marina! You are in pain because you are waiting and thinking about these calls, i.e. filling uh...” to the question http://www.. Can I discuss this answer with you?
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