A child who has no friends: he plays quietly in a corner or watches other children from afar. The situation is not uncommon and often painful for both the baby and his parents. How can I help him?
This is problem
First of all, it's worth recognizing that this is a problem. To shrug it off and say: “He’s still young!”, “How old is he?!” wrong. A person at any age needs communication with peers, and to a small child especially. Who would like to be a social outcast? Frustration and fear of peers can lead to psychological problems further.
We create conditions
So, there is a problem, but it can be fixed, especially if you are ready to help him with this. Psychologists have proven that children under 10 years old have associative friendships. That is, they communicate with those guys whom they meet in a certain situation (they live nearby, go to school together kindergarten, their parents are friends), and they are little concerned about finding an opportunity to make friends with someone who is more difficult to meet. Thus, in order to help the child, you just need to create a situation convenient for friendship, for example, invite the children from the playground to visit, arrange children's party, take the baby to some kind of developmental circle where there are his peers.
Language is the enemy
Often communication does not start only because the baby does not know how to start it. A child may simply not know such seemingly simple and primitive phrases as “can I play with you?”, “hello, my name is...”, “let’s be friends.” Speak important words to him, explain that he needs to be polite and unobtrusive. Arrange at home puppet show and play out different situations to eliminate the baby’s shyness and teach him to behave correctly.
Communication etiquette
Not only the first phrases, but also further incorrect behavior can scare off potential friends. Not all parents take the time to tell their child that bragging is bad, they don’t like pugnacious and greedy people, and discussing friends in front of them is bad form. Read more children's literature and together analyze the behavior of the characters in friendship.
Personal example
You can explain a hundred times how important it is to be a good friend, or you can simply demonstrate a personal example, and it will be more effective. Make friends yourself, tell your child how important it is to help and give something to others, not necessarily material, spiritual - warmth, care, a smile.
Friendship for friends
Children's friendships are easy to break if you interfere with them. “Vovka did the wrong thing. Tell him that...”, “He’s kind of stupid!”, “I would be offended if I were you!”, “Don’t be friends with them!” - such advice and interventions from parents will not end well. You are in your place, and the child is in his, and let him decide for himself what to do.
Be interested
But you shouldn’t completely eliminate yourself. If you notice that your child is sad and worried, be sure to ask him what’s wrong. It would be good to ask from time to time what he is playing with the kids, and whether the child is good at these games. The child should know that you care, and you are always ready to help.
Develop
A self-confident child easily makes friends, so develop your baby physically and emotionally. Sports clubs, communication with parents, compliments, love and affection - these are the most important things that a baby needs, which make him understand: “You are good! You are the best! And many people want to be friends with you! Try it, and you will succeed!”
What to do if you have no friends? Parents know how painful it is for a child to be left without friends and alone.
The popularity of a child among his peers is the only condition for how successful a child is in educational activities and how happy he is at school. Social recognition is the cradle of intellectual development.
More than once I have encountered situations where children who have no friends cannot stand school. Adults must remember that a child's social life determines him personal development for life.
A popular child is a child who is loved by the majority and disliked by the minority. To gain peer recognition and make friends, you don’t have to be an excellent student, the prettiest girl among your peers, or an athletic teenager. You just need to please others, that's all.
Popular children endear themselves not only to their peers, but also to teachers and other adults. They receive more positive attention in life from all sides, they grow self-confident and purposeful.
Find out the secrets of making friends and the conditions for social success:
- Humor is the surest way to make and keep friends. Humor is fundamentally important for a child’s popularity, not only because the ability to make people laugh is appreciated by their peers, but also because a sense of humor develops psychological flexibility, spontaneity, intelligence and the ability to cope with troubles.
- Openness- this is a relationship based on complete trust, common interests, devotion of friends to each other, their constant readiness to help at any time. Children should be taught to be open, at least in greeting. Greeting is friendly eye contact and a smile.
- Kindness – good way to start a friendship. If your child shares a pen or pencil or helps carry a schoolbag to a classmate, it will generate reciprocal kindness, which can be the beginning of a friendship. Some children try to “buy” friends by giving away things or money. This of course won't work. Children may take such gifts, but will not reciprocate.
- Compliments- another way of expressing the child’s willingness to be friends. He feels comfortable when he gives a sincere compliment, and we like people who appreciate our good qualities. Sit down with your child and think about how you can praise your classmates. To begin with, let the compliments be very simple: “You have a beautiful pencil case,” “What a good goal,” “wonderful drawing.” Compliments will open up new opportunities for friendship.
Parents can help their children make friends.
- Create opportunities for friendship. Systematically ask your child if he wants to invite his friend over or throw a party for his friends. Invite one of the children to your home; children find contact more easily when communicating one-on-one. Find something he likes (a section or a club), where the child will meet and communicate with his peers.
- Teach your child what's right When you discuss with your child how to take other people's feelings into account, teach him empathy and fairness, you are instilling in him very important social skills that will later help him not only find true friends, but also be friends for a long time.
- Discuss with your child his peers and his social life, even if he is already...
On Thursdays, my eldest daughter Marusya and I have a ritual: after school, while her younger sister is at music lesson, and younger brother in kindergarten, we go to drink hot chocolate at the nearest cafe
That Thursday turned out to be truly spring and sunny, but for some reason Marusya wandered with her head down and did not, as usual, talk about lessons and events in class. Suddenly her lower lip trembled, and my daughter burst into a confused speech, which was interrupted by sobs:
Today I wanted to play with Alex, but he refused. And then the girls at recess in the yard told me: “Go away, we have our own game!” Nobody wants to play with me, nobody! I have no friends at all!
And she cried bitterly.
At that moment, my lips, hands and everything in general began to shake. Flashback from my school years: I, as always (well, almost always), return home from school alone. While other boys and girls usually walked after school in flocks, and then hung out for a long time either on the playgrounds or in the hallways - depending on the time of year.
I wasn't popular at all at school. All my days, without exception, were scheduled: music school three days a week, and also English and a swimming pool. Exciting parties in hallways did not fit into this schedule. I was also a year and a half younger than all my classmates; I only developed feminine curves in high school, so I wasn’t even on the list of school beauties. And I didn’t have a bosom friend to exchange secrets with, wear pendants made from two halves of a heart and all that. It seemed like there were a lot of friends, but no close friends.
I remembered all this so vividly that I again felt very bitter, hurt, and there was a lump in my throat from the injustice.
Actually, this is it physical sensation and brought me back from the past to reality. I tried to calm down and take several deep breaths. This is all a long time ago. And this is my life, not my six-year-old daughter. There is no need to project your childhood experiences onto her.
The topic “I have no friends” comes up for Marusya from time to time, with varying degrees of intensity. On the playground, I see that most often she wanders alone, looking at some leaves and sticks, and sometimes reading.
I see how she wants to join the girls from the class who run around together and play their games, but she is shy, timid, afraid that they will not accept her.
And, as usual, fears are translated into reality: it happens that she is actually not taken into the game. The problem looks even worse in the background younger sister, who at four and a half is a natural socialite - knows everyone, is friends with everyone and hangs out with everyone, endlessly visiting guests and from party to party.
The offended girl who lives inside me is surprised and indignant: why? After all, Marusya is incredibly smart, interesting, enthusiastic, she has a good sense of humor and is a loyal friend. Why don't other children see this?
The adult part of me understands that friendship, like love, is an irrational phenomenon, it cannot be explained logically and does not follow any algorithms. They are friends with the beautiful and the ugly, the generous and the harmful, the intellectual and the stupid, the strong and the weak.
The ways of generating friendship are inscrutable, and it is beyond my power to “get” Marusya friends. But I can completely increase the chances of her popularity.
After all, I devoted almost ten years of my professional life to PR and networking! I’m sharing a plan that I’ve been following for some time now (and seeing first successes!):
1. Greeted by clothes
Yes, it's what a person is like inside that matters, not what he looks like. Still, don't underestimate the packaging. People are drawn to those who are outwardly attractive. Therefore, we pay more attention to hygiene, hairstyle, and clothing. And you will have to reserve your opinion for a while about what is stylish and what is not. If sneakers with sparkles and keychains with plush ponies are in fashion among six-year-old girls, so be it.
2. Everyone loves politeness
One of my favorite English sayings is: “manners cost nothing.” This is really true: it’s not at all difficult to say “thank you”, “please”, “if it’s not difficult for you”, “you will help me a lot if...”
A kind word is also pleasant for a cat, and a sincere smile and gratitude can open many doors.
3. There are no “better” or “worse” people
You need to communicate equally openly and respectfully with the school principal, with a classmate, with his parents, with a waiter, with an elevator operator, and with a policeman. Everyone is equally important. It is necessary for parents to follow this approach themselves.
4. Illustrative example
Parents themselves need to actively communicate, be friends, not discuss friends and acquaintances behind their backs, help, sometimes ask for help themselves, be sure to thank and draw the child’s attention to manifestations of friendship and mutual assistance. “How Kira’s mom helped me today! This a true friend!"
5. Anatomy of friendship
Although it is impossible to identify the creation algorithm friendly relations, but you can analyze and discuss their important components with your child. Loyalty, reliability, honesty, trust, empathy, mutual interest, flexibility and the ability to adapt to the other person's mood are the key ingredients of friendship.
Discuss episodes from films and books, explain to your child in as much detail as possible what good friend. In this case, he will have a coordinate system from which he can start when making decisions.
6. Everything is in our hands
A proactive position is not only good for friendship, but also for life in general. Instead of waiting for someone to call you to play, you can come up with your own interesting game and invite others to join. My favorite case study is Tom Sawyer and painting a fence.
7. "No" is not the end of the world
It’s easy to say: come and invite. What if they refuse? Will they laugh? It is important to convey to the child the idea that there is nothing wrong with refusal. If someone doesn’t want to play with you now, this in no way characterizes either you or the person who refused you. You need to try not to take the word “no” too seriously and internally accept the fact that every person is free to communicate or not communicate with others.
It is also useful to learn to “leave the door open”: it is likely that someone who did not want to play together today will want to tomorrow.
8. Reliable rear
It is important for a child to know that, whatever his relationship with peers and other people around him, you are his safe haven, his fortress, where he will always be unconditionally accepted, understood and loved. Only after being imbued with this acceptance and support do children have enough courage and mental strength to go out into the world. Big world and build healthy relationships in it.
Everyone remembers how important an “enriched environment” is for a child’s development. This also applies to social connections. I’m like a good networking spider (what a comparison!): I’m slowly weaving an openwork and extensive network of contacts for my growing children. I meet other mothers and fathers, organize holidays and play dates (this is when children come to visit each other on a planned basis to play), picnics, invite them to tea and cakes, try not to forget about birthdays, remember the names of parents, brothers and sisters.
In a word, I sow the seeds of friendship, and what to do with the harvest - my children will decide for themselves. The main thing is that they definitely won’t have to “starve”.
Gestalt psychotherapist Zhanna Belousova comments:
Little children are delicate and sensitive. If they are hurt, they feel it acutely and live it to the fullest, unable to hide despair and resentment. As we age, we “grow skin.” We become ashamed to show ourselves weak and vulnerable, doubting our attractiveness. It seems that if we look more capable and cool, then everyone will want to be “friends” and “play” with us. Only then do we stop being ourselves.
The solutions suggested by mom in her post largely illustrate the way people in our narcissistic-individualistic world deal with resentment, shame, and childhood “unloving.” We just wish they weren't there.
As a psychotherapist, I would suggest slowing down a little here and looking at the situation more carefully.
Of course, you want to immediately start doing something and correct the situation - but before any action, it is important to notice, acknowledge and live your feelings.
If, in an attempt to support, you say “it’s okay,” the child will experience dissonance. “What is this, if not scary? After all, I’m in pain, and I’m afraid. I’m afraid that the boy didn’t want to play with me - because I’m kind of unpleasant. I’m afraid that no one will ever want to be friends with me. I’m terrible, terrible upset..."
Yes, you want to turn away from such complex feelings, run away, but it is important to stay with them, stay with the child in them, help him notice, live and name them, one after another: “It looks like you’re scared,” “You’re in pain,” “ It’s terribly offensive when they say this,” “I would be very angry, you can’t talk to me like that,” etc.
The next step is to “normalize the world” of the child. He has lost his orientation, normal cause-and-effect relationships are broken. “Why did he say that? - Because I’m somehow wrong” - this is the image that remains in the soul and head of a child who has experienced rejection.
From the outside it is easier for parents to see: other children behaved unpleasantly for a reason, they had some reason, the event had a context. Perhaps they are treated the same way at home, or was the unpleasant event preceded by a quarrel between your child and someone from the company?
Perhaps they were deep in conversation or play and perceived your child's approach as an intrusion?
It is important not to “slip”, but to carefully navigate the situation: why did that boy or girl tell you that? For what reason did you choose these words? Discuss options with your child.
A marker that the situation has been sufficiently lived and understood is inner peace and restored trust in the world. Feeling "ok". At this stage, you can rejoice and praise yourself: the main anti-traumatic work has been done. This orientation has another advantage. If we understand the motives and experiences of the offender, we can look at him with sympathy and empathy. This is often not easy to do, it requires a lot of mental work, but it will be received with gratitude by the people around you.
After this, it will be useful to fantasize with your child: could everything have been different? How would he like it to be? What could the guys have said or done differently? What would you like to hear from them, these specific people?
Why is it important to analyze a specific situation, and not reason according to the principle “I want everyone to love me”? Children often generalize: “I have no friends,” “Nobody loves me,” “Nobody plays.” And even as adults we “sin” with beliefs like: “There are few decent people in the world.” This is how we spread our painful experience to “everyone,” attach labels, fixing a certain pattern of relationships. Because if “nobody loves” me, I begin to be and behave like the one whom no one loves.
When we try to make friends through a “mass effort,” we actually avoid contact with other people. But in friendship you shouldn’t chase quantity - what’s important is its quality. Do you know how in history textbooks they write about extensive and intensive land development? So: we don’t need “extensive development of friends.” We would like to deal with just one person. And it’s convenient to start with those who are closest. Why did this boy refuse to play with me? Why did he answer me like that? Let the child try to get in touch with the “offender” and talk through his feelings and thoughts. From such discussions, amazing friendships are born!
And then comes the most important point. The child determined and said what he expects from communication, what his needs are. As a rule, we wait for the “first step” from the other: let him show that he likes me, then I can also smile at him and be responsive. Let's try the opposite? If a child wants that girl to smile warmly at him, let him try to do it first.
Children who have experienced rejection - by parents or other children - begin to fear that they will not be accepted again. They become very attentive and observant. Approaching each person, they instantly read the slightest signs of sympathy or antipathy towards themselves.
We are talking about micro-moments: perhaps a child approaches a group of other children on the playground a little more slowly, while slightly holding his breath. He prepares himself in advance that he will not be welcome. And at this moment he seems to “give in” to the action he wants to receive: a warm greeting and an invitation to play. And there are definitely children on the playground who are ready to meet you halfway, but because of this momentary delay and uncertainty, they also begin to think that they don’t really like this person.
And, not yet knowing how to express themselves carefully, they can say something harsh and hurt a sensitive child. The fear of making contact intensifies.
We can help the child see and understand the feelings of the people around him, support him in being the first to open up and be the first to invite children he likes into a relationship. And then empathy, trust and openness will become the key to friendship. After all, friendship, like love, is not a fixed given. This is a process in which there is a lot of novelty in every communication and which requires constant creative adaptation.
Once upon a time, the hardest things in school were lessons and homework. Today, children’s problems have little to do with their studies; the most difficult thing for them is relationships with classmates. Child psychologist Deborah McNamara tells how to help your child find friends among his peers.
Deborah McNamara
Schoolchildren have always encountered bullies; there have been conflicts and disputes in classrooms and school corridors - this is normal. But youth culture has changed dramatically these days. And this gives rise to new problems.
In 2011, the results of a 15-year study of North American adolescents were published. Its authors found a 40% decrease in empathy in children, as well as a 35% decrease in the ability to perform long-term analysis - it became more difficult for young people to think about the future. And these features affect their relationships with peers. Therefore, the atmosphere in classrooms, cafeterias and playgrounds is changing.
According to the National Institute mental health, nowadays school bullying is at the top of the list of parental problems. A third of children report experiencing bullying within six weeks. Children come home from school with different emotions depending on their interactions with classmates.
From friendship to the flock from Lord of the Flies
It is more difficult for schoolchildren to communicate with each other because peer assessment is too important to them. Through communication with classmates, many of them try to satisfy their needs for affection. They replace school friendships with the adult care they lack.
This point of view was first expressed by psychologist Gordon Neufeld and physician Gabor Mate in the book “Don't Miss Your Children.” Children are so drawn to their peers because of the disconnect in their relationships with adults these days. They spend more and more time with other children. Parents want them to socialize faster, so they insist on communicating with peers.
And there is a downside to this. Children who are worried about their relationships with classmates or friends from the yard are more difficult to reach. Teachers and parents will find it difficult to educate and guide them. Because such students share values that correspond to the culture of their peers. Therefore, at best, their behavior will be immature, at worst, aggressive and hostile towards adults.
When children stick together only without listening to adults who could guide them, this can lead to sad consequences. One of the scenarios is described in the book by William Golding. The behavior of such a company can be cruel, it can traumatize - both psychologically and physically - other children.
There is a difference between a child who has friends and those who create company to satisfy relationship needs. If your son or daughter focuses only on peers and looks for support in them, he needs to restore relationships with adults. Unhealthy relationships with other children can lead to developmental delays, learning problems, or emotional distress.
How to help your child make friends with classmates
Only loving and caring parents. When children think more about how mom and dad treat them, they pay less attention to offensive words peers.
It is very important that the child has a warm relationship with the teacher, especially in the elementary grades. If your son or daughter is having a hard time at school, ask them to ask their teacher for help when you are not around.
If a child feels that he is not alone, then it is easier for him to bear stress.
What to do so that your child has real friends and feels comfortable at school:
Children need to be busy.Problems with peers often arise when children have a lot of free time and are left to their own devices. Left alone with himself, the child is more easily influenced by his peers. These guys get together in groups and bully their classmates in the cafeteria or on the playground. One way to avoid such behavior is adult control at those moments when the child is not doing anything. Let the child have a rich and interesting life, and you will be around more often.
Listen to your child.If your child talks about events at school, it is important to listen carefully and not judge or become upset. When children think that their stories upset their parents or could lead to a quarrel, they withdraw into themselves and do not share what is happening to them at all. This cannot be allowed. It is important for children to understand their own feelings and thoughts, while being safe, to cry if they want to. After this it is easier to find a way out of the situation. In addition, in this case the student will listen to the advice of adults.
Help me find real friends.Talk to your child about a classmate whom he considers a true friend. This should be someone who treats him kindly, does not offend him, and is comfortable with him. Help your children understand how a true friend behaves, and this will help them find such a person in their environment. Also, the child will be able to understand who should not be friends with, since he does not feel safe with these people. A child with a kind heart often attracts children like himself.
Intervene if necessary.Many conflicts between schoolchildren can be resolved with the help of adult attention. Getting a teacher to help them might help. Sometimes teachers do not realize that one of the children has problems in relationships with peers. It is better to have a conversation with the teacher in private so as not to discuss the child’s difficulties with other children and parents. IN in this case It's okay to maintain confidentiality - it will help the child maintain his dignity and not become a target for classmates who bullied him.
When you talk to the teacher, if possible, offer specific solutions. For example, try moving your child to a different row or teaming up with other kids to work on a common project.
Friendships with peers are part of growing up. Children have the opportunity to communicate with those who share their interests. It is important to help your child understand other people and not insist on friendship with those who are not ready to communicate with him.
Too often we strive for children to get along with each other. But it’s normal that not everyone can become friends.
Children need to feel free to make their own choices in order to make real friends. And adults can help them cope with difficulties in relationships with peers when they arise. Children will inevitably experience disappointments. But the good news is that these wounds will heal. If loving and caring parents are waiting for the child at home, he will be able to withstand all the tests.
