Emotional burnout is fraught with severe irritation, anger, fatigue, and lack of control over emotions. A child needs mentally healthy and emotionally stable parents, and this is only possible when switching from role to role: from mother to wife, from wife to daughter, from daughter to girlfriend, from girlfriend to colleague. This is why it is so important not to forget that you are not only mom and dad, but also husband and wife.
A child in such a situation is almost always exposed to overprotection, which negatively affects his development.
The child is the object of emotional release of the parents
Parents often transfer their dissatisfaction with each other onto the child. Negative feelings that you unconsciously want to throw out on your spouse are redirected to children in the form of intolerance, mistrust and even physical punishment. Trying to raise each other, parents do not think about the fact that they are using their son or daughter as an emotional release. Meanwhile, a child growing up in such an atmosphere develops a loser complex due to constant lack of confidence in himself and his capabilities.
It seems that psychological literacy is growing and there are tons of literature on the topic of education, but nothing changes. Everyone adjusts and adjusts children to their fears, without thinking about what their actions lead to “deviations” in the child’s health or behavior.
Here are some examples from my practice.
Example 1. A woman complained about her eight-year-old son: he became distracted, inattentive, and refused to go to the scout club. He asks him to somehow influence him, to act on him. Please come with your whole family. My stepfather came in, said hello and left, I never saw him again. The mother is anxious, she constantly corrects her son, tugs, it is clear that she is somehow embarrassed or ashamed for him. The son is a sociable, friendly little boy, dressed in a business suit with a bow tie, looking straight, openly, with interest. I ask my mother to leave, I talk to my son. His intelligence is clearly above average, it seems that he is no less than 15 years old. He answers questions clearly, calmly, feels sorry for his mother (!) and says several times: “she still won’t understand,” “she has a lot of problems,” “she’s too busy, she works a lot,” and he’s inattentive because he’s tired, he doesn’t want to join the club because it’s not interesting, but he wants to walk more with his mother, go to the forest, ride a bike together. I'm talking to my mom. Interesting details are revealed. She divorced her first husband, the child’s father, because he didn’t want anything, he drank, he played, he didn’t strive for anything. Now she is married for the second time, her husband has an adult son from his first marriage. Four of us live in a one-room apartment. Youngest child does homework in the kitchen, parents watch TV in the evenings, the eldest son periodically brings friends and they play on the console. Younger son, in addition to school, he goes to English, dancing and scouts. He doesn’t have free time, he doesn’t have time to kick a ball around in the yard. He doesn’t have his own place where he can relax and be alone. Of course, he is inattentive and absent-minded. Any adult in his place would already be a patient at a neurological clinic. And who should be influenced in this situation? First of all, on the mother with her fears that her son will grow up to be the same as his father, on her desire not to give her son the slightest chance to be idle.
Example 2. Mom asks to influence her daughter, who refuses almost all food. The daughter is 14 years old, weighs 35 kilograms with a height of 175, compulsory psychiatric treatment is behind her. In the presence of her mother, the daughter cannot say a single phrase without being corrected, the mother controls all areas of the child’s life, checking the computer and phone, reading a personal diary is the norm in this family. The door to the room cannot be closed, you cannot dress in your own way, you cannot cut long hair You can’t, you can’t use cosmetics. After losing weight, you need to eat only in the presence of mom or dad and only the food recommended by them, and weigh yourself every day. It seems that there is only one thing you can do in your own way - die, which is what the girl is slowly but surely striving for. Mom's fear - early pregnancy daughters, unfinished university, unfulfilled life.
Example 3. A mother asks for advice on how to cure her daughter’s allergies. Periodically, a 12-year-old girl breaks out in a rash and scratches her skin, mainly on her face. Doctors suspect an allergy to house dust or cosmetics. The girl studies at a dance school and at a modeling agency. From a young age she takes part in beauty contests and various shows. Mom dreams that her daughter will become a supermodel and find herself a very rich husband. My daughter wants to ski or snowboard, go hiking and dreams of a dog. When the mother is too insistent with the responsibilities of caring for her appearance, maintaining weight, learning dances, her daughter “causes” a rash and itches, there can be no talk of any competitions or performances with a red swollen face, but you can take a walk calmly. And who needs to be treated here?
Example 4. A mother complains about the hyperactivity of her four-year-old son, she has been to many doctors, and is already giving him some pills. It turns out that the child spends the whole day with his grandmother. It’s difficult for the grandmother to move due to her age and joint problems, so she doesn’t go for walks with her grandson, but they do a lot of appliqué, drawing, sculpting, learn to read and write, and memorize poetry. The mother picks up the child at eight in the evening, and on the way home the child runs in circles around the mother, knocking over everything in its path and talking non-stop. The journey home takes 15 minutes. It’s not possible to bring the child home right away; you need to walk for at least another hour. Mom gets tired at work, so she wants to quickly do her homework and go to bed; walking is not included in her plans. A normal, healthy, active child greatly interferes with these plans and appears hyperactive.
This is such a sad picture. Parents, think about it!
But if they cannot spend five minutes in the same room without quarreling and falling apart, then, of course, this will not contribute to the harmonious development of the child. In this case, divorce will be the only opportunity to raise a child in a normal psychological atmosphere. It’s better for him to live with one of his parents than to grow up in a world of constant fear, conflict and scandal, and even assault. Even if parents do not wage daily wars with each other, but simply do not have any positive feelings for each other and have been going “left” and “right” for a long time, then the big question is whether in such a situation it is necessary to save the family for the sake of the child, or whether it is better for the spouses to live separately. The child will still sooner or later understand that his parents no longer love each other, and can subsequently transfer this model of relationships with the opposite sex into his own personal life.
The impact of divorce on a child's psyche
I suggest that my mother do the same, and she, agreeing, tells the boy her decisions. Having heard his parents, the boy asks incredulously: “Will you never be husband and wife again? Never ever?" And having received an affirmative answer, he cries, cries with anguish, for a long time... His parents hug him, convincing him that they will forever remain his parents.
Attention
Finally the boy calms down and says: “I’m very sorry that I can’t do anything for you to be together, but for me the most important thing is that you exist.” A week later, the mother called, saying that her son was going to school again. school, he is in a good mood, he communicates with both her and his father. Articles about family relationships: Husband and father. Finding the differences Abuse!!! What to do? The drama of the triangulated child.
They wanted a boy, a girl was born. I love everyone, of course, but someone more than anyone. I didn’t respect him, and he left for someone else.
How does parental divorce affect a child aged 7-15?
They either withdraw into themselves, feeling like flawed losers compared to their peers from intact families, or, conversely, begin to behave more defiantly and aggressively, feeling angry not only at their parents, but at the whole the world. This can have a huge impact on their future lives.
The fact is that the actions and relationships of parents are a kind of role model for the child, on the basis of which he subsequently builds his own family life. That is why children from divorced families often repeat the scenario of their parents’ relationships, and get divorced much more often than those who grew up in two-parent families.
The impact of parental divorce on the psyche and behavior of children
Important
Remote" parental love may be better than “close” The emotional connection between people can be much more important than their real cohabitation in some place. Therefore, divorce cannot destroy the relationship between the child and the parent who left the family.
Moreover, sometimes “distant” parental love can be even better than “close” love. Some “Sunday” dads after a divorce begin to pay much more attention to their children than when they lived in the family, and worked all day, and spent the weekend drinking beer and football with friends in the bathhouse or in the garage.
It is after a divorce that some fathers begin to truly communicate with their children and take an interest in their lives. Of course, if the child has an adoptive father, or his biological father new family, then it will be somewhat more difficult for them to communicate.
But in any case, you can be an excellent father even in a divorce.
Can a child influence the parents' divorce?
Info
If a man leaves the family, then there is a high probability that his son will subsequently do the same with his family (although, of course, this does not always happen), since there will be no example of a faithful father in his mind, and he will not experience special reverence for marital relations. In addition, if he is raised only by his mother, then perhaps he will not develop the correct idea of how a man should behave in certain situations.
A girl whose father abandoned his family and went to another woman is very likely to be suspicious and distrustful of all men, and to experience fear of marriage. Because of this, she too may end up in an unhappy marriage.
The impact of parental divorce on the psychological state of children
- Consequences of divorce for a child
- The impact of parental divorce on children depending on their age
- How to avoid traumatizing your child during divorce
According to child psychologists, parental divorce is the second most stressful for a child. The first, by the way, is the death of one of the parents. Therefore, the impact of parents’ divorce on children is quite strong, and the child can hardly bear the divorce process itself.
Even if he doesn’t show it and tries to hold on, the situation is psychologically very tense for him. After all, during the time they lived together, he got used to both parents, they were together from the moment of his birth, met him and introduced him to this world - but now this dear person will not live with him, wake up together in the morning, come home from work, play, etc.
d.
How parental divorce affects children
This leads to low self-esteem of the child, which is especially evident in the behavior of girls, since dad is also the first man in a girl’s life. And such women often build relationships with partners based on this experience. And they cannot build, or these relationships end in divorce, to confirm childhood experience(installation) “beloved men leave.” Boys also lose a lot if communication with their father stops or is reduced to a minimum.
The boy has no one to teach him to be courageous, confident, and purposeful. A mother can only explain these concepts, but it is practically impossible to educate them in her son.
If at the time of divorce the child is over 14 years old (the figure is approximate, and the psycho-emotional development of the child is important), then the child begins to manipulate the parents. If the relationship between parents is not established, then the child immediately begins to use it.
How does parental divorce affect children in the family?
We did everything we could, scolding him, depriving him of his computer, depriving him of treats, not allowing him to go for walks, forbidding him from communicating with friends, I even tried to flog him. - Dad added. Nothing helps. — What happened before your son refused to go to school? – I’m interested. —
“We decided to get a divorce,” the parents said almost in unison. “We decided this by mutual agreement.” We just realized that we have been living like brother and sister for a long time, but we want feelings.
We have one life. - Mom added. — We already have new partners for each of us. I left home and left the apartment to my wife and son. And then there’s this misunderstanding with my son, I have to constantly return home and raise him. - said dad. “I get the impression that your son connects you with his behavior.” You are forced to meet and discuss strategies for influencing him.
How can a parent's divorce affect a child's future life?
Each parent should spend as much time as possible with their children, take an interest in their thoughts and feelings, and walk with them. It is useful to organize pleasure trips and new joint hobbies. Whatever relationship the parents have, the main thing is, if they already have children, to think about them first. After all, children are certainly not to blame for what happens between adults. Is the advice useful? How parental divorce affects children Articles
From a very early age, the baby feels the love of his parents, their care and tenderness. This is shown not only in relationships and affection, but also in the desire of parents to make their baby beautiful and original. They pamper the baby with new outfits, especially since the baby grows quickly, you need to buy something new every six months. Until recently, overalls for boys and girls were in demand, and now the time has come for dresses and pants. All clothing must be of high quality and in sufficient quantity; the formation of the child’s personality depends on the quality and quantity of outfits. Moreover, such dependence can make the child self-sufficient and in demand in society, or it can instill in him completely unnecessary complexes.
Clothing for a baby, first of all, should be as comfortable and environmentally friendly as possible - this is the key to his future health. She should not be sad, otherwise the baby will grow up just as gray and sad. There should not be too much of it, the baby will simply be confused in the choice, which can forever discourage him from making this choice, or vice versa - the choice will become an end in itself throughout life. These are the main points of the influence of clothing on the formation of a child’s personality, and now let’s look at them in more detail.
Convenience and comfort, “healthy” clothes
Clothes for your baby must be the right size and comfortable enough. If a child wears clothes “from someone else’s shoulder,” he may feel uncomfortable among his peers. Children are quite cruel in terms of ridicule, so this can cause moral trauma to the child, resentment towards parents, and a feeling of alienation among peers. When clothes are a little small, they restrict the baby’s movements and he will not be able to play actively. This feeling of constraint in his movements and actions can remain with him later for the rest of his life. When clothes are too big, they also restrict movement, cause ridicule from others, the baby will feel constant discomfort, both in games and in communication - this can make him withdrawn.
All the child’s clothes should be made from natural fabrics, as they will not cause allergies in the child. Synthetic materials are bright and beautiful, but how will your baby feel in a “fashionable outfit” and with the constant itching of the skin underneath? Of course, it’s uncomfortable, which will ruin all the joy from the brightness and unusualness of the outfit. Moreover, the consequences of allergies can last a lifetime and even cause complications.
“Dull” clothes give dull feelings
Many parents try to buy “practical” clothes for their children that will get less dirty. Usually this dark colors, poor quality material, sometimes too rough for delicate children's skin. A child in such outfits will feel like a “gray mouse” compared to other children, which will greatly undermine his self-esteem from childhood. Grayness in children's clothes can cause a “dullness” in the child’s behavior and attitude. He, too, will become completely “gray”, even if “comfortable” for others. Such children try to imagine their inner world in bright colors, so they often become not just dreamers, but notorious liars. Or, on the contrary, they become aggressive bullies in order to at least stand out from the crowd. Psychologists call this “negative brightness.”
Only bright and interesting clothes V early age is able to instill in a child pleasure in himself, in the people around him and in relationships. Everyone admires such a baby, he feels his importance, interest in himself - this is how the awareness of his individuality as a person begins.
Much does not mean good at all
“Too much” in terms of the number of things a child has is not recognized by many parents as a trauma to the child’s psyche. When a child has too many clothes, the choice becomes difficult. The kid is simply lost in this abundance of options. This can lead to two diametrically opposed patterns of his personality development. One of them is fear of choice. In later life, such children try to completely avoid choice and follow the “path of least resistance,” and this leads them to mistakes and wrong decisions.
The second scheme looks like “irrepressible hoarding,” not only in things, but also in emotions, relationships, and connections. This can lead to the development of harmful habits, to promiscuity in love - these are constant collectors who know no limit in “collecting”.
In an article published seven weeks ago, Canadian psychologist and psychotherapist Gordon Neufeld and pediatrician Gabor Mate named the only way to influence a child, especially a teenager, to strengthen relationships with him. How to strengthen mutual affection? Let's talk about this today.
To awaken a child's attachment instincts, we must offer him something to latch onto. In the case of a baby, it is enough to place your finger on his palm. If a child's attachment brain is receptive, he will grab the finger; if not, he will remove his hand. This is not a muscle reflex, such as that which can be induced by tapping the knee, but an attachment reflex, one of the many innate reflexes that make feeding and rocking a baby possible. It indicates that the child's attachment instincts are neglected. Now the child is ready to take care of himself.
Neither the adult nor the child knows or is able to appreciate what is happening. This simple finger grab is a completely unconscious interaction, the purpose of which is to trigger the attachment instincts, to make the child want to hold on to you. In the example given, the adult is physically held on to, but the real goal is to establish an emotional connection. By placing a finger in the child's palm, we invite him to enter into communication with us. Thus, our part of the dance begins with an invitation.
Give your child something to grab onto
As the child grows up, the purpose of this exercise becomes not physical, but psychological “grasping.” We need to give our children something they can hold onto, something they will hold dear, something they can hold in their hearts and won't want to let go. Whatever we give them must come from us and be our gift. And whatever it is, by grasping at it, they will hold on to us.
Attention and interest are powerful catalysts for attachment. Signs of love have great power. Researchers place emotional warmth, enjoyment, and admiration at the top of the list of effective attachment activators. A twinkle in the eye and warmth in the voice are such powerful calls to form a bond that most children will not be able to reject them. If you show your child that he is important to you, he will hold on to the idea that he is special and that you are glad to have him in your life.
The physical component of communication is key for children. Hugs are designed to keep children close to us, they keep the child warm long after we stop hugging him. It is not surprising that many adults in psychotherapy still feel deeply about the fact that their parents provided them with little physical warmth as children.
Teachers often ask me how they can cultivate connection with children in a day and age when attitudes toward physical contact are so controversial. Touch is only one of the five senses. Although touch is very important, it is important to remember that it is definitely not the only way to connect with children.
If your child is emotionally secure from attachment in one of the most vulnerable ways, you should focus on safer options, such as finding common ground or demonstrating your loyalty by accepting his point of view. In my work with young offenders, this is usually where I start. Sometimes I just noticed that we both Blue eyes or similar interests, or we have something else in common. The most important thing is that the adult must offer something, otherwise the child will have nothing to grab onto.
Our greatest gift is to allow a child to feel that in our presence he can be exactly who he really is, to express our admiration for his very existence.
There are thousands of ways to convey this impulse to a child: through gestures, words, symbols and actions. The child must understand that he is desired, special, important, that he is valued, respected, missed, and rejoiced at. In order for a child to fully accept our desire to believe in him and keep it in his heart, even when we are not physically near him, it must be sincere and unconditional.
Using separation from a parent is destructive as punishment for a child. To begin using this oft-recommended but destructive technique is, in effect, to say that we are only happy to have a child around us when he or she lives up to our values and expectations—in other words, that our relationship with him or her is not unconditional. Our goal as parents is to give our child a stimulus that is too desirable and important to turn away from, a loving acceptance that his peers cannot offer. By holding on to our gift of unconditional love, the child will hold on to us emotionally, just like a baby clutching a parent's finger.
To establish a connection, our invitation must be unexpected for the child. It may seem counterintuitive—and I'll explain what I mean by this shortly—but it is impossible to possess a child by giving him something he expects, be it part of a ritual, a birthday gift, or a reward for some achievement. No matter how much we fuss, what we give in such circumstances will be associated with the situation or event, and not with the relationship. Such gifts never bring satisfaction. Expected gifts, physical or emotional, may bring pleasure to the child, but their hunger for affection will not be satisfied.
We cannot promote connection by simply fulfilling the child's demands, whether he asks for attention, love, understanding or respect. And although denying your child what he really needs will most likely harm your relationship, this does not mean that the path to enriching the relationship necessarily lies in meeting his demands. In engaging our children, the keys to success are taking initiative and surprise. The more unexpected our proposal, the more effective it is. If what you offer your child can be earned or earned as a reward, it will not serve to nurture your connection.
Your offer of contact should be part of the fundamental primary that you pass on to the child. This dance step is not an answer to a child. This is a step towards building relationships, over and over again. This is an invitation to the dance of all dances—the dance of affection. I repeat, it is important to convey to your child your involuntary admiration for the very fact of his existence - not when he asks you for something, but when he is silent. Show him how happy you are that he exists with your gestures, smiles, tone of voice, hugs, playful glances, proposals joint activities or just a wink.
By the way, it is widely believed that giving in to a child’s demands means “spoiling” him. There is perhaps a grain of truth in this. Some parents try to compensate for the absence natural attention, connection and contact, which they do not give to their child, by indiscriminately giving in to all his requests. If we spoil something, it is because we do not create the right conditions. For example, meat spoils if we forget to put it in the refrigerator. We spoil children not when we indulge their every whim or give them too many gifts, we spoil them when we ignore their needs. My co-author’s niece, a young mother, was advised by a nurse at the maternity hospital not to hold the baby in her arms for too long, because “you’ll ruin him.” Everything is exactly the opposite: we will spoil the child if we deprive him of the necessary intimacy. Mom wisely ignored this “professional” advice. Infants and young children whose parents do not deny them contact will not become overly demanding as they grow older.
I recognize that highly insecure children can be incredibly demanding of our time and attention. A parent may dream of relaxation rather than communication. The paradox is that the attention that a parent gives to a child on demand never satisfies: it sows doubt, with the idea that the parent is only fulfilling his demands, and is not giving himself to the child according to his needs. at will. Demands are only growing, but the emotional needs that underlie them are not being satisfied. The solution is to seize the moment and invite the child to contact precisely when he does not ask for it. Or, in response to a child's request, the parent may take the lead, expressing more interest and enthusiasm than the child expected: "Oh, that's a great idea. I've been wanting to spend time with you! I'm so glad you thought of that." ". You will surprise the child and make him feel that you are inviting him to communicate.
It is impossible to possess a child or give him something to hold on to by praising him. Praise usually refers to something the child has done and is therefore neither a gift nor something unexpected. Praise does not come from an adult, it flows from the child’s own achievements. A child cannot grasp praise because any mistake will cancel it out. Even if he could cling to it, the value for him would be not the person who utters it, but the achievement that caused it. Not surprisingly, praise can be detrimental to some children, causing behavior that is the opposite of what they were praised for, or causing the child to withdraw from a relationship out of fear of failure.
Does this mean that children should never be praised? Not at all: when we acknowledge others for their special contributions or efforts, it helps our relationships, shows how responsive we are, and has a positive impact on our communication. But it is important that the praise is not excessive; it is important to carefully ensure that the child’s motivation does not depend on the admiration or positive opinion of others about him. A child's self-image should not be based on how well he or she has succeeded or failed to earn our approval through achievement or obedience. The foundation of a child's true self-esteem is the feeling that his parents love him, accept him and enjoy the fact that he is exactly who he is.
Discussion
And I liked the article. And it turned out to be useful. True, my child is 6 years old. I think the recommendations are more suitable for this age. And at the age of 15, that’s it, all that remains is to reap the fruits.
03/20/2015 12:59:58, DemoxaYes, this is a difficult age!!!
Comment on the article "No carrot, no stick! How to influence a child? Invite them to a 'dance'"
Rebecca felt that her heartfelt connection with her aunt saved her. Children with the other three attachment styles formed organized strategies for interacting with either What was your childhood like? What was your relationship with each of your parents - and were there others...
There are too many factors that influence a child's personality. From the temperament given from birth, to his lability, sociability and ability to find a way out of a non-standard situation only for a given child, the ability to neither carrot nor stick! How to influence a child?
Discussion of issues of adoption, forms of placing children in families, raising adopted children, interaction with I seem to do everything as taught, but there is no such attitude, I even think that’s exactly how it is. I've seen young children with attachment disorders and it looks different.
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The role of another child in the emotional life of a child “with undifferentiated attachments” may even exceed the role played in it by familiar adults. The peculiarity of the child’s attachment “with undifferentiated...
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No carrot, no stick! How to influence a child? Invite to a "dance". Does this mean that children should never be praised? Child from 1 to 3. Raising a child from one to three years: hardening and development, nutrition and illness, daily routine and development of household skills.
Lack of affection? Psychological and pedagogical aspects. Adoption. Discussion of adoption issues, forms of placement of children. And everything seems to be fine with us, BUT one huge cockroach torments me. The child is not attached to anyone. For example, I had to in the summer...
Give it to the dance!!! A girl who knows how to move well always feels free and confident, I myself took up ballroom dancing (it’s expensive, I warn you right away, the shoes are special, dresses grow by leaps and bounds. Neither carrot nor stick! How to influence a child?
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As a result, the child enjoyed BATHING, but completely ignored her demands. Approximately the same situation was repeated at the dance. Or maybe it's age related? As I got older, it became interesting. and the whip has absolutely nothing to do with it?
No carrot, no stick! How to influence a child? Invite to a "dance". Hyperactive children with disorders of the central nervous system often have a spoiled appetite. True lack of appetite. A child, oddly enough, may actually not want to eat, and influence this desire...
No carrot, no stick! How to influence a child? Invite to a "dance". If a child's attachment brain is receptive, he will have a child's personal toys that are like an adult's personal belongings. Then, IMHO, this is just an excellent reason to reduce your attachment to the idol toy.
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Attachment development in an adopted child. I present before your eyes my translation of the story that came to me. It is very important that parents know about these difficulties and use such techniques. Talk to the child about different feelings and emotions, using games, making Grimaces. Make a “Book about the life” of the child, using photographs from orphanage and that's it...
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