How I became a mother of many children. Is it difficult to be a mother of many children? How to be a good mother of many children

Two years were enough for me to get enough of freedom.

I got married early - at 17 years old. As it seemed to me then: I am completely ready for family life. I didn’t need girlfriends, discos, parties. I wanted to wash my socks, panties, cook borscht and, most importantly, GIVE BIRTH TO A DYAL. Maybe I didn’t play “mother-daughter” enough as a child, I don’t know, but I was happy and was sure that I had true love.

The first birth was difficult. During those eleven hours, I was so tormented by the terrible pain of contractions that I decided for myself: I will never give birth again. It's better to adopt someone, just not give birth...

But, thank God, it was all over, and a wonderful baby was born, a boy, my first-born - Vitalik.

My husband and I lived at his home with his mother. I rarely went to my dorm, and there wasn’t much to talk about with the girls; there were fewer and fewer common interests. In general, unbeknownst to myself, I was slowly becoming lonely, without communication and the support of friends.

And then something happened that forever left a stigma in my mind, why a person should not be alone. The incident was trivial, my husband and I had a big quarrel, and his mother took his position. I don’t remember in detail what happened, but now it doesn’t matter. The important thing is that I flew out of the apartment in hysterics with a suitcase and two-month-old son in my arms and rushed “home.” My mother-in-law ran out after me, took my baby away from me on the street, and I, throwing my suitcase right in the middle of the yard, wandered to the bus stop in tears.

It was only on the bus that I suddenly realized that I had nowhere to go! No, the place in the hostel was still reserved for me, only another girl had lived there for a long time, who at one time also had nowhere to go. I couldn't kick her out. As a result, I got off at the final stop, sat down on some bench and began to roar even louder. For some reason, I imagined a picture, like in a cartoon, that I was alone on the whole Earth, and I had nowhere to go and no one to go to. It was the first time in my life that I experienced such intense bitterness and helplessness.

Maybe the Lord heard my roar at that moment and reminded me that I am NOT ALONE in the world!!! I have a mother and a sister! Even if they are far away, the main thing is they are there!!!

Let my mother forgive me, but for some reason, thinking about Valya made me more cheerful. I knew that no matter what I was, in any condition, my sister would always accept me and help me. I have the most best sister in the world!!! Lord, how good, warm and cozy I felt... Sitting on the street in the snow and rain in tears, I probably looked like a crazy person who was sitting and smiling happily. Then I realized, probably, the most important thing on earth: it’s good when a child has a mother, father, grandparents, but someday there will be no parents anyway, no matter how bitter it is to realize this. There will inevitably come a time when a person will be left alone. Friends, loved ones - everything can be temporary, but relatives are family. This is the strongest connection between people. It’s only sad when you see how close people quarrel, divide something among themselves, or even hate each other. Therefore, I always instilled in my children that they were born for each other. Of course, I gave birth to my first son for myself; I wanted a baby doll. And she gave birth to a second one exclusively for her first son. The main thing is that children should not be allowed to hate each other. It didn’t matter what was going on with them, but when it came to fights between them, I just “flew” into the room and then both of them got it, regardless of who was right and who was wrong. By the way, it helped a lot! Immediately they became best friends And loving brothers. I know for sure that when my husband and I are not there, they will always come to each other’s aid, no matter what happens. There was even a moment when they almost had a serious quarrel over a girl. Then I told them that there can be as many husbands and wives as desired, but only one brother (at that time there was only one). And there is no reason on Earth for which they could lose each other. In the end, they both abandoned the girl, much to her amazement.

But I got ahead of myself a little. I then returned to my husband that same evening. I thought: where am I going? And the son?! This is my child! Why should I leave him with strangers?! Even if these are his own fathers and grandmothers. I'm dearer! I'm a mother! So I came back. And also the realization that came to me that evening that a person must have a brother or sister. Necessarily! Otherwise it can not be! Soon I became pregnant again. The second son was born - Lyosha. But my husband began to drink heavily and, after being with him for several more years, I left him completely. We divorced. At that moment, I thought that I would live the rest of my days with my beloved sons and that we wouldn’t need anyone else. But fate decreed otherwise.

I got my second “batch” of boys when I got married for the second time: both me and my new chosen one were 28 years old. My new husband had neither a family nor children before me. He flew like the wind across Russia, he didn’t need a family. So it turned out that he also had to give birth to someone.

The older children welcomed this decision. Everyone wanted a little one, they even had clashes when they won the place of the steering wheel. Once they almost got torn apart right on the street; to my horror, the stroller with the child almost turned over. We had to “give the command” to carry the stroller together. So the whole family walked together, holding on to one stroller.

Then, of course, when my third child, Vanka, grew up and began to bother them, they ran away from him for races. Therefore, at the family council it was decided to give Vanka a friend. I would like to note that raising two or three children is much easier than one. The main thing is that the age difference is not very big. They should have the same interests, the same understanding of life. When a child is alone in the family, he is always bored. We must constantly engage with him and entertain him. And the two of them are busy with each other and, as they say, “do not bother” anyone.

Everyone also had hope that we would have a little lady. It was the whole family's dream. The older children promised that they would even learn to tie bows for her... But we had another TREASURE - Maxim.

In general, now I’m all about men, and I don’t regret it one bit.

There was one case when my eldest son told me that he would never have small children (i.e. MONSTERS - that’s how he put it). To my amazed question: “Who will give you a glass of water when you are old?” he simply answered: “Mom, that’s what, that’s what, but I’m not afraid of old age. I HAVE THREE BROTHERS!!!”

Maya Vladimirovna Chelpanova

For many today, the pressing question is: what is considered a large family and how many children are included in this concept in 2020? This question is important for a simple reason - such families are subject to a system of privileges regulated not only by federal legislation, but also by regional legislation.

The solution to this issue depends on a variety of factors, including:

• the age of each child;
• region of residence;
• status of children (under guardianship, having undergone the emancipation procedure, studying full-time, etc.).

When planning to submit documents, you must remember that simply having a reason does not guarantee inclusion in this preferential category. A corresponding application is required, after which a procedure will be assigned to confirm the status (established administratively). Next, a special certificate is issued, which is the basis for receiving government assistance.

Federal and regional legislation

A large family means how many children, how can one correctly determine the status based on existing legislation? Contrary to logic, there is no such definition either in the RF IC or in other federal laws. Only the Decree of the President of Russia dated 05.05.92 No. 431 (“On measures for social support of large families”) is available. Guided by this regulatory act, regional authorities are obliged to take the following measures:

• categories of families that can be classified as preferential categories, are determined based on the general demographic, economic, social situation for a particular region;
• it is necessary to identify everyone who can qualify for benefits and provide them with the minimum set specified in the relevant list.

Ministries social protection and finance are obliged to reimburse all expenses that were spent by the regions to support those in need of preferences.

But which family is considered to have many children and which is not? The establishment of this concept falls within the competence of local authorities, although their choice cannot be called completely free. For example, if the financial capabilities of a particular region do not allow providing assistance to everyone, then standard large family limit of three children rises higher, that is, only those families with four or more children can be recognized as preferential.

How to correctly define a large family?

Which families are considered large in Russia in 2020? There is no general federal regulation on this matter, but it is generally accepted that this is at least 3 children, although in some regions there are some deviations from the generally accepted norm. Today, this status is overwhelmingly granted to all couples or single parents who are caring for three or more children.

But will a large family always be considered as such, up to what age are the children considered such, and are there exceptions? According to current legislation, preferences are assigned only until the eldest child reaches adulthood or completes full-time education.

MS status can additionally be granted to those couples where only one parent is a citizen of the Russian Federation, for single parents. In this case, all citizens under 18 years of age are recognized as children. However, regions are given the opportunity to independently determine the age criterion, based on the financial capabilities of maintaining beneficiaries.

The law does not provide a single definition until what time a family is considered to have many children. This needs to be clarified in local authorities social protection.

In what cases can a preferential status be denied? The legislation defines the following cases:

• if parents were deprived of parenting rights for various reasons;
• after the procedure for early recognition of the child’s full legal capacity (emancipation);
• when serving a sentence in places of deprivation of liberty (according to various reasons);
• when the child is a state dependent in institutions such as boarding schools.

It must be remembered that when obtaining MS status, all children and teenagers of a certain age from previous marriages are taken into account if they are raised together with others. For example, after a divorce, a child remained with his mother, stepfather and half-sisters or brothers.

When determining large families, it is necessary to take into account that there is no uniform legislation on this matter, there is only a generally accepted norm. In addition, regional social protection authorities have the right to independently change the limit for the number and age of children.

Have you thought carefully before going to give birth to your second and subsequent child? Think! Want to? Think again!!! And don't do this. Not in our time and not in our state. I don’t know which one, but not ours for sure. Even if you really want a child, if you and your husband love and support each other infinitely. Don't give birth.

I am a “happy” mother of many children. Do I love my children? YES! A thousand times yes!!! My heart aches for each of them so much that sometimes it becomes difficult to breathe. I love it so much that I want our whole family to get hit by a truck and die immediately - all without suffering.

I gave birth to a daughter from my first marriage, fell in love, got married, quickly became pregnant and gave birth. I didn’t plan to have a child, it just happened that way. She is now 15 years old. When I realized that I had a child from a drug addict, my daughter was a baby. I will omit the terrible details of beatings and violence, as well as betrayal, gambling addiction, and drunkenness. ex-husband. Now it does not matter. I divorced him when the baby was only 8 months old. All that matters is that she was born mentally retarded. The main diagnosis is underdevelopment of the brain during the perinatal period, that is, during pregnancy. At her kindergarten age, she thought that she was simply hyperactive. When we went to school, I quickly realized that this was much more than hyperactivity. She is currently homeschooled in 9th grade. The brain is severely delayed in development, this moment at the level of a 6-year-old child. A fool in the literary (not in the name-calling) sense of the word. You can write a lot about her specifically. That's not what this is about.

She approached the choice of her second husband very responsibly. First of all, I thought about my little daughter (who was already 5 years old), whom I could entrust—namely, entrust—in fact, to a stranger. Who doesn’t understand what I mean, so that in the future he would not abuse and offend my daughter, but would become her real father. Secondly, I was looking for a man who categorically did not drink or smoke anything at all. Fairy tales? And I found it! My beloved and closest person! He accepted my child as his own and became a father to her to the fullest. We are planning the birth of our second child. We decided to give birth by the time our daughter needed to go to first grade. It happened as planned. Now my second son is already 8 years old.

I didn’t want a third child, I was already a successful mother of a daughter and a son, especially since my spine, injured in a childhood accident, did not allow me to walk calmly during pregnancy for the last 3-4 months before giving birth - these were hellish pains, from which nothing really happened saves. You can’t stand for a long time, sit (if you sit down, you can’t get up), walk, you can’t lift your leg without pain to get into public transport. Complete pain and tears. But my husband persuaded her for a very long time and persistently, and as a result he was able to persuade her. We had another son. Sunshine and a smile. He is now 3 years old.

The idea is a happy ending. No matter how it is! When giving birth to my children, I imagined how they would grow up, how at school I would help them a little with their homework. Not much, because the child must study at school on his own, and I will help in case of severe difficulties. That's what I thought. But the current education system simply does not give the child any opportunity to learn independently. Dear future parents. You are starting over again primary school, you go to school, and your child will not have enough materials in the textbooks, since the teachers, for some reason known to God, will demand from the poor child what is not in the textbook, you yourself will have to constantly and systematically look for something for son or daughter, and as in my case, for several children at once, on the Internet, print and preferably on a color printer; you will have to rack your brain with tasks in logic workbooks, trying to simply master the wording of the tasks, and then the task itself, because your child does not understand it. And having broken your brain, you will do your best to break it to your child in the hope of at least somehow conveying to him a logical solution to his tasks. In the first class they will tell you that German is compulsory, and from the first class it is paid, and you will you pay you have no choice, and from the second grade he will be filled with deuces German language, because for some reason your child did not learn anything during the first grade, not even the alphabet. And in general, from elementary school on, your child will be seriously overwhelmed with all sorts of different tasks, so that he will not have the opportunity to attend any clubs or sections. But we are the right parents and we will force the child to go to some club without giving a damn about his physical well-being and the presence of fatigue. Our son goes to judo 3 times a week. We are lucky - he wants to walk himself, he really likes to play this sport. But how unlucky it was - his body began to malfunction from the stress! In elementary school, a child’s blood pressure began to fluctuate seriously, so seriously that he had to call an ambulance a couple of times. And, so that you understand correctly, not because of the loads from the section, from there he always comes joyful, but precisely because of the school loads. After all, it was after school that he began to come to us with a severe headache. Because of school, we often have to skip judo, as it comes with tears of pain and high blood pressure for a child. I wanted to insert a few photographs from our textbooks, but I changed my mind, since the Internet is full of photographs from modern textbooks. And of course, none of the future parents even admits the thought of giving birth to a child with various stages of mental disability. The fact that such children will be offended and picked on by other “normal” children, of course, will never occur to you. And when this happened to me, of course, I was not ready for it either. That they can beat you, seriously, to the point of bruising on your body, that they will often throw your briefcase, hat, sports uniform, shoes into shitty garbage dumps. That they will constantly spread rot, mock and call her names even in the yard of the house. Because she will not be able to respond and defend herself. And that, in the hope of some kind of justice, you will run to the police and write statements against your child’s offenders, and instead of justice and the expected retribution for the evil committed (or at least an apology from the parents of the offenders), you will receive from the police what These are awkward replies with a distortion of real reality.

And certainly the supposed happy ending does not include the fact that we absolutely do not have enough of the money we earn. Maybe the fact is that our family (like the vast majority in our country) is mired in loans. Or the fact that we have many children, and by definition we need to spend much more on clothes, shoes and food. Or maybe it’s because working in the banking sector, I don’t receive a normal salary. To be even more specific, I work at Sberbank. For the sake of my children, I transferred to night shifts as scheduled. The work is extremely hard, we arrive at 6 pm and leave at 7 am. As we say, a year of work goes in two. Sometimes I have such a loss of strength that I can’t force myself to get out of bed. But when you are constantly sick Small child, I don't take sick leave. During the day I am at home with him, in the evening my husband comes home from work, I leave for my shift. And he gets sick more than he goes to kindergarten. A week in kindergarten, 1.5-2 weeks at home. Sberbank has introduced a 5plus rating system, which makes your bonus dance. With a salary of twenty-six thousand, you are graciously given a bonus of about 7-8 thousand once a quarter. None of the ordinary employees have ever seen a bonus greater than this amount. When the entire night shift team is extremely overloaded with work (there is no time to run to the toilet, we have to endure it!), our superior management assigns us a failure to meet the useful time ratio and forces us to take unpaid leave. The loss of funds (salaries) amounted to about 5 thousand rubles per month. Roughly speaking, the ending cost only eighteen thousand rubles. And this is on the night shift. On top of that, there is a constant “forgiveness of overtime hours”: if we stay 30 minutes late, we bet we left on time. We were delayed by 1 hour and still left on time. It is useless to be indignant; they send people who are dissatisfied deeply and for a long time, they say, there is a whole line of people who want to work in the savings bank. My husband is a mason. He officially works for a well-known and large construction company in our city. Salary 30 thousand per month. In total, between us we get about 53 thousand a month. A lot of? Don't know. We don't have enough. Throw stones with the words that many earn much less than ours and live. Maybe. But I can’t say that we are living, I can say that we are trying to survive. We don’t go on vacation, we’ve never been to the seaside as a family, I buy used clothes and shoes for myself and my children on Avito. Often you have to buy groceries with a credit card. When we tried to register a plot of land allocated by the state for families with many children, it turned out that it was not allowed, since we had as many as 5 extra square meters of living space. We still didn’t understand what exactly was superfluous in our typical three-room apartment in a five-story panel building with a tiny kitchen and a walk-through hall - the kitchen itself or the hallway with a corridor?! And it’s okay that they didn’t give it, anyway, there would have been nothing to build anything with. So, both of us exhausted with hard work and constant thoughts about the lack of money, we leave ourselves no opportunity to simply be loving parents and happy family. Difficulties strengthen you! Yes, just a minute! Difficulties suck all the good out of you, turn you into a zombie, preoccupied with how to make money and solve a huge avalanche family problems. Say what you want. I'm tired. The thought of a huge truck never leaves me. There is no light. I'm tired of choosing between children, who should still wear old shoes or clothes, and who urgently needs to buy something. I’m generally silent about my husband and I. I’m tired of spending from 3 to 5 thousand rubles monthly on medicines. I’m tired of treating my child with cold medicines that don’t help. Go to the sea for a month to breathe in the sea air, and so on for 3 years in a row. This is what doctors advise. What are you even talking about?! Which sea? Honestly, I would like to live and enjoy every day I live. For some reason it doesn’t work. Say what you want. I do not care.

So I'm sure: having many children is a serious choice When doing this, you always need to understand what you are getting into. Many “horror stories” about the life of a mother with many children, which one hears every now and then, were, alas, not formed out of nowhere.

Social outcast

Having many children is a kind of “social suicide.” For many years, your circle of contacts and interests will be built exclusively around children, clinics, schools and kindergartens. Then it turns out that no one needs your profession - your qualifications are lost, your knowledge is outdated. Of course, there are such talented mothers who manage to do something: write pictures or poems. But only a few are capable of this, while the majority are destined to withdraw into everyday life.

We must also be prepared for the fact that if the family is not exorbitantly rich, then the standard of living will certainly fall. Where to get money is most often the father’s problem. Mom solves another problem: how to survive on the funds that he gets. For example, I know exactly how in today’s Moscow you can feed seven children deliciously with 300 rubles.

But the hardest thing: mother of many children must be prepared to become an outcast in society. Such an initially suspicious and dubious person, arousing both pity and contempt. Unfortunately, this is how most people perceive people with many children.

Do you understand what you're doing?

It's hard to say when it started. The last baby boom happened in Russia immediately after the war. Then, in the first peaceful years, everyone rejoiced at him. People no longer died in hundreds of thousands, the fear of imminent death was left behind, it was a joy to give life, and large families were perceived as normal. But now society has a completely different attitude: initially negative.

I constantly see this in the examples of my friends and know very well from my own experience: sidelong glances, condemning remarks after, or even right in the face. It is difficult not to notice this constant, everyday aggression from society, and even more difficult to ignore.

Here is my friend, mother of three children. Agree, they are by no means the largest family, and they do not live poorly at all. But when she goes out into the street with her decently dressed and well-mannered children, the grandmothers begin to whisper: “There’s a prostitute gone, got myself triplets!»

I remember how a nurse came to our house, who was supposed to enter information about the parents into the child’s card, she asked about my education, about my husband’s education, and, having learned that we both had a higher education, said:

- So you understand what you are doing?

Awesome question!

Another amazing position is “ Large families sit on the neck of the state" But I know from myself: in order to get some meager help, which anyway will not make a difference in the family budget, you have to run around the corridors of different institutions, make such efforts and listen to so much dirt addressed to you!..

It seems like we are entitled to free kindergarten.

“That’s according to the law,” says the manager and, already gloating, “but there are no places.”

Or, for example, we can apply for an increase in living space. But due to various circumstances, the husband is registered with his mother. As a result, we end up with even a whole meter more than normal.

“And if dad registers with you and the children, then this will be called “deliberate deterioration of living conditions,” and you still won’t get anything,” the passport officer solemnly reports, refusing to accept documents for registration.

That's it. It seems that an official is obliged to somehow facilitate the implementation of the rights provided by law. And, from the point of view of Christian morality, and moreover: a person must do everything to help his neighbor. But somehow things turned out differently in our state. Sometimes it seems to me that the main reason for the existence of our officials is to hide the possibility of receiving help from those who need it.

This is not for us!

According to statistics, in our country there are only 3% of large families. Why so few? The reasons, of course, are different, but I am sure that the attitude of the state and public opinion is one of the main ones. Personally, the hardest thing for me is to hear the words that children are a cross to a mother’s ability to self-realize, open up, and show her talent. These words immediately exude the feeling that having many children is the calling of losers.

If you can’t achieve anything in life, stay at home and have children.

But look at the “self-realization” for which many girls give up motherhood! Yes, Marie Curie did not have children, and this was her conscious choice. She knew that she would bury her talent as a scientist in the kitchen, and she sacrificed a lot to him. Her path was repeated by other famous women, whose names remained in history. But to give up children in order to sit as a secretary in an office, typing texts on a computer?..

They say that Having many children is also a cross on beauty and appearance. Yes, most often your appearance really suffers. But for love, for communication, a woman must certainly have perfect figure? Are there not enough suffering beauties around? This is obvious - happiness has nothing to do with being slim. Petrarch loved Laura - she had eleven children. It turns out that he saw her pregnant almost always. Pushkin writes about his wife: “The purest example of pure charm.” They had four children. The Tajmahal Palace, one of the most touching symbols of love, was built in honor of a woman who died giving birth to her eleventh child.

I feel very sorry for those outwardly beautiful, worry-free people who don’t know the trouble of raising children. I recently came across the website of these “child frees” and was amazed by the ad I read there. A husband and wife, both in their late nineties, are asking for help. They didn’t have children - they didn’t want to - and now she got sick and needed money for treatment. He rushes around looking for help and is simply terrified that his only loved one is dying, and he has no one else.

You can scare people as much as you want by having many children, but I became truly scared after reading the texts of this forum.

For whom is it easy?

Being a mother of many children is my conscious choice. I did it and never regretted it. I wanted a lot of children, I like holding babies in my hands and I’m glad that we have such a big and Friendly family. I know very well that I have lost something, but I understand why.

Yes, at some point it became clear: there was no turning back and my place was not at “work”, but at home. This probably happened after the fourth child. This is my choice and I will follow it anyway. But I cannot help but protest against the contemptuous attitude of society and the state towards my work.

After all, a mother with many children is not only a teacher kindergarten or teacher. She is a multidisciplinary specialist: nurse, doctor, psychologist, cook, cleaner. Everyone honestly recognizes the same work of a foster mother as work and pays a salary for it. An ordinary mother with many children will not receive credit for her length of service, and her pension will be minimal, social... She will not receive even a simple human “thank you.” It is simply incredible that in society this enormous work is considered humiliating for a woman. “Fi: stay at home, spoon feed, change diapers!” Although all these critics also had their snotty noses wiped by their mothers at one time.

My job is children. And I’m offended by the contemptuous bewilderment - how did you decide to do this? We don’t ask such questions, say, to the director of a bank. But it’s hard for him too - responsibility, sedentary lifestyle, heart problems. Or, let's say, a ballerina. Why is she always on a diet, her legs are bleeding, and she’s losing her health? Is it easy to fly into space? Any profession has its costs. And I don’t understand why sacrificing something for the sake of a career or creativity is better or more honorable than for the sake of children.

Difficult? Yes. So what. It is difficult for everyone who sincerely does their job. They say to me: “Poor thing, how hard it is for you!” No more than a good doctor, a good journalist or an engineer.

I took it and did it.

Drawings by Ekaterina Gavrilova

When you become a mother of many children in Russia, you have to face a paradox. And the main paradox is in the attitude of the people around. Although I have not cared for a long time what anyone thinks, sometimes something unsettling happens. Like on the plane this time. The five of us are flying, with Luka in my arms. Luka is crying and I am trying to calm him down. From behind, dad persuades Danya to buckle up, but Danya is against it. This is after 13 hours of flight and 3 hours of waiting for takeoff on the same plane. Matvey just fell asleep. On the armrest. And a flight attendant passing by decided to make a very appropriate comment: “Why, mom, didn’t you notice! Your child is sleeping at random!” At the same time, I have a crying baby in my arms and an older one is naughty behind me. Just in time. And very good at the box office. I didn't even have time to react. Moreover, I am sure that if there had been one or even two children, her tone would have been different. And there would be no comment. And here it is like this. And despite the fact that our children behaved very well throughout the 16 hours on the plane. They made virtually no noise and did not run around the cabin. They collected their trains under their chairs, watched cartoons, ate, and did not disturb their neighbors’ sleep.

It's strange, but I've already encountered this. When you have only one baby, they will willingly help you, let you in, hold you, and forgive you. When you have two little ones, you get respectful looks. And help again - it’s not easy with two! And with the third, another song begins. Pity is often read in the looks. Poor thing. Or another option - aggression - “They gave birth!” And since you gave birth yourself, handle it yourself as you wish. Thank God, I rarely find myself in such situations; we rarely go out with the whole family while Luka is a baby. But I have friends with many children who themselves pick up their children from kindergartens and go to the store with them. And in many places one encounters such an attitude. What is the problem? What is the reason? After all, this attitude does not help women who would like more children. They would like to, but they don’t give birth. They are afraid of being judged, afraid of becoming different from everyone else. And there is enough condemnation.

Some say that children are born for benefits and benefits. Maybe there are such people. But I don't know anyone like that. We didn’t formalize anything at all, because I don’t like visiting such organizations. And even maternity capital - because now we can’t use it in any way. Many of my friends with many children do not receive any benefits and benefits, because it is not so easy to implement and receive them. And their size is not worth it. Some people think that those with many children are proud of this and try to extract something from everyone around them. Skip the line to get to kindergarten or free access to the sea. Again, in order to avoid standing in line, they wave their certificate of having many children. Maybe this happens, but I haven’t seen it. Most often they just live. And they stand in line like everyone else. Someone calls people with many children “breeding poverty.” Although I personally know many families with many children and wealth. Prosperity, not excess. For me, it is so important that children are not spiritually poor. Toys, clothes, entertainment - these are things you can save on, and quite simply. Especially while the children are small. I'm not talking about inheriting things and toys. As my husband says, it’s just different management, different tools.

Some people associate people with many children with gypsies, alcoholics and parasites. They live on child benefits, do not work, give birth and do not take care of children... I don’t know anyone like that, among my friends with many children there are no such people. Although I understand that this happens, and there are many children of such parents in orphanages. But a decently dressed woman with pretty babies is clearly not the case, right? And the attitude is the same. The hardest thing is when disagreements begin with friends and family. When you have three children, you will rarely be invited somewhere (you have to feed everyone!), and they will rarely give you gifts (for such a crowd!). Parents may not understand and persuade them to have an abortion... My friends and female acquaintances who accidentally became pregnant for the third time were at first horrified and did not know what to do. It seemed to them that the world had collapsed. Nowadays, not a single one regrets having a child running around. He runs around and is happy. Although their calls and messages that they wrote to me then were full of horror and despair. This is all due to myths about having many children.

And what are the reasons?

There are several of them. From those that I see. When I realized this, my life became easier.

• Ancestral memory

Previously, all families were large. A person with 10 children is not even three. And on the basis of such large families many suffered injuries. Mothers died in childbirth, babies died from childhood diseases. There was not enough food, groceries, clothing. The ancestral memory is strong, and inside us it screams - many children - a lot of danger! One of my friends’ mothers was against the birth of second, third, fourth and fifth grandchildren. She was becoming unbearable - dear mother! Quarrels crossed all conceivable and unimaginable boundaries. And all because the grandmother, the mother’s mother, died in childbirth, giving birth to her sixth child. And mom was fifth. “This is dangerous” hangs in her head. Still. Although there is a different level of medicine and culture. Doesn't matter.

• A woman must work, become a professional

Remember about breastfeeding every three hours and no more often? Krupskaya came up with this so that women would immediately work after giving birth. A woman who had no children. The maternity leave was short-lived. When the family already had two children, it was believed that it was time to go to work in full force. Now that I'm a mother, it's time to get down to business. Otherwise you will be a dependent. This is a shame and horror. And the husband will not need such a wife, and you yourself will turn into a chicken... There was even a time when abortions were performed by force. Because that's enough for you. But when can you become a chicken surrounded by a lot of loved ones? When do you lose your brains if you have to constantly come up with something, find an approach to everyone? Maybe you'll forget how to evaluate an integral and do chemical experiments, but you will learn a bunch of culinary recipes and learn how to deduce different types spots... Do all women really want to work and have a career? Everyone, without exception, needs a hobby and an outlet. What about work and career? Are there any people for whom a normal office schedule and workload do not interfere with raising at least one child and maintaining harmony in the home and relationship with their husband?

• Many children - many problems

We think that with two children it is twice as difficult as with one, and with three it is three times more difficult. Not true. With two children the hassle is one and a half times more, and with three - twice as much trouble at most. Compared to one baby. The fact that children are growing is not taken into account. And elders willingly help mothers when mothers ask them to do so. They ask, but don't demand. And the amount of love increases. IN geometric progression. Because not only mom and dad love the new child, but also his brothers and sisters. This is a completely different feeling of happiness. There is much more of it. Every time.

• A woman’s health reserves and beauty decrease after childbirth

In general, even without childbirth, every year we get older - which means more diseases, wrinkles and old age in our facial features. But for some reason, some people ignore the natural power of time, blaming motherhood for everything. This is again a ancestral memory. And also stupid standards of beauty, when beautiful is 90-60-90, makeup and short skirts. When you are embarrassed by your stretch marks, temporary excess weight, breast shape, bags under your eyes. Once upon a time this was indeed the case. Women couldn't take good vitamins and lost their teeth. They couldn’t take care of themselves while working in the fields. They didn't care about beauty at all. Unless until marriage. And now we have so many opportunities to be beautiful! And assistants who give time for this. Washing machines and dishwashers, multicookers, robotic vacuum cleaners... The only question is where will we spend this time? And do we want to take care of ourselves? And in Ayurveda it is even described that childbirth is a special procedure, during which a program of complete rejuvenation of the woman’s body is launched. Can you imagine? For this, childbirth must be natural, and the postpartum period must be long. And nature will do the rest itself. Personally, in my opinion, every woman becomes more beautiful with every child. If she allows herself to do so. After all, beauty is really in the look. If a woman's heart is reflected in her eyes, she is beautiful. And if not, then no amount of cosmetics will make her beautiful. Every child opens a woman's heart. In my own way. With their own methods and with different strengths.

• Envy

The study that was conducted among older people was a revelation to me. Precisely in Russia. They were asked what they would do differently. 90 percent said they would have more children. That they were afraid of something or were pursuing a career. Or it was simply not accepted. But it turned out that this is all that matters. Families with many children have something special. Attractive, elusive. This cannot be understood until you are outside this system. It’s difficult for a mother of a one-year-old baby to understand that with three you can do everything and be beautiful at the same time. The picture of such a mother seems strange and unnatural. But there is something alluring in this picture. Either the sparkle in her eyes, or the feeling of command... And many who condemn those with many children actually envy this sparkle, this passion. They envy this amount of love. They themselves do not want to serve anyone. Afraid. Not finding the right person. Failing to go against the opinion of society. Understanding that a person is not giving me his reaction, but, for example, an ancestral memory, I calm down more easily. It's easier for me to deal with such people. It's easier to ignore such comments.

And you also understand how important it is to surround yourself with like-minded people in this matter too. How important it is for those with many children to be friends with those with many children. Share findings, problems and their solutions. Speak the same language. And don’t feel sorry for each other, don’t whine and don’t be surprised. Just be yourself. For me, a mother with many children is just a mother. The same as the mother of one or two. She just has such a big heart, and she can and wants to give more love. The only difference is this. (I’m talking specifically about those mothers who don’t just give birth and send them to orphanages. But about those who then raise children.) By the way, previously mothers of five children were considered to have many children - and I think this is more reasonable and correct. Three children is quite a bit. And even four. We don't need sympathy. This is generally something strange for me. To feel sorry for me because of the number of children. And this happens often - go to children's store the whole crowd, you will listen to how poor and unhappy you are. Why feel sorry for me? I am so happy that I have three sons and a husband.

My children are my happiness from morning until late at night. The youngest is such a ray of sunshine who melts my heart with his smile. Why feel sorry for me? I sleep as much as before. Sometimes even more. I have less free time, but I get a lot more done. In my life more love and tenderness, more pleasant worries for me. Yes, a little more dirty dishes and noise. But I love it. I love my motherly worries and everyday life. I love. Both in good times and in difficult times. I love my boys when they are dirty, and when they fight, and when they are naughty. These are all little things. Because next to them I become a mother, a woman.

I have always wanted a big family, and I continue to want it. Nothing changed. Except that now I want even more children. Next to the boys, I learn to be a princess, ask for help, praise, inspire. It's much easier with four year olds than with thirty year olds, trust me! They are like a litmus test, they will show you your inadequacy as a woman or vice versa. I like to play their games, where I am a princess who needs to be saved, and they defeat dragons, snakes and other evil spirits. I like to ask for their help because it helps them become stronger. Before our eyes, the eldest son reveals himself as a man. With the birth of the baby, he became more active in helping me.

IN large family a child may receive fewer toys and care, this is true. But do children need overprotection? When they run after them with spoons and plates, persuading them to eat a spoon for mom and dad. When they are under ten years old, they tie their shoelaces and take them for a walk. When they are shaken over and any runny nose is treated with antibiotics. Do they need so many toys that litter our homes? IN big family the child learns to communicate, interact, help, be helpful, love and accept love. Learns to be one of the team. Give your elbow to your loved ones. Grab a helping hand. This is more important to me.

I do not encourage anyone to have many children - everyone decides for themselves. You need to be prepared for this, you need to want this in order to enjoy it in this state. But the number of children is not something to worry about or be afraid of. The family becomes stronger with each new child. A woman becomes deeper and wiser, a man becomes stronger, the more people he has to take care of. Tested on myself and friends. We, mothers of many children, are not heroines, not victims, and not even fools. We are just mothers who love their children. Three, four, five... To whom God gave as much. I follow two wonderful mothers on Instagram - one has six children, and the other has four. Their photos and comments always make me smile. Because there is more love in their families. Not twice, but twenty. These mothers are very beautiful and young - with so many children!

A mother of many children does not need pity. And there is no need for condemnation. She won't be a perfect mother. Neither will any other mother. Therefore, there is no need to rub her nose into it. She doesn't need praise for her performance. The help you offer will be much more helpful. The care with which you surround her (namely herself, not her children). Help at home. Communication as equals. Attention. An opportunity for her and her husband to go somewhere alone while you babysit their children. That is, everything is the same as what any mother needs, regardless of the number of children. There is no difference in needs. Every woman has her own path. And its own “child capacity” - the number of children necessary to develop as a woman and mother. Number of children measured from above. Corrected by the woman herself, so as not to go crazy and not torment her children with her injuries. Some people need many children, others only need one. And it doesn't matter. None. We are all mothers. We are all different. Special in their own way. I just want you to be able to see large families and the myths associated with it with different eyes. And maybe this will be useful and relevant to someone.