My husband doesn't want to work for advice. My husband doesn’t want to work: what should I do? Get outside help

Hello, help me find the answer, I don’t know what to do, my husband doesn’t want to work, and we recently had a baby (5 months) and my husband still doesn’t think about looking for a job, I worked throughout my pregnancy, went on maternity leave, and started working at home (sewing ) until the very birth, and he just sat there, after the birth I would sit with the child, but I sew at home and I’m mentally and physically tired of all the housework, I have breakdowns with my husband, he’s offended and there’s only one answer where I’ll find a job with good earnings now there is deception everywhere, it seems to me that he’s just been sitting at home for this reason and doesn’t want to, I already have a headache where to find a job, but on the other hand, I don’t want to leave his baby with him, he’s still a baby, and we still have loans and My husband is constantly whining about how we are going to pay them off, so I’m racking my brains, maybe I’ll get a divorce, but in my heart I love him

Hello Nina. Your patience and endurance are amazing. And you still manage to carry within you love for this person. Your relationship is very unhealthy. My husband doesn’t work that long, doesn’t support, doesn’t help. Your child doesn't have proper parents if you spend so much time sewing to survive. And regarding loans, it’s amazing - your husband sits at home, and you take on the responsibility of repayment, and also feed everyone. I wonder what should happen, that you will finally understand that you can’t live like this? And what kind of love is this, where there is so much suffering, fatigue, and there is no basic pity, respect, support? Of course, you can live like this all your life. This will also be your choice. But apparently, you are still young, and have already timidly begun to think that such a relationship is destructive for you. If it still doesn't work, you're unlikely to force it to do so. But you can force or simply ask yourself to reconsider your attitude towards your marriage and your love.

Silina Marina Valentinovna, psychologist Ivanovo

Hello, Nina.

I agree with you that your husband stayed at home too long. You can look for a good income for a long time. In the meantime, you can undermine your health. It’s surprising that your husband doesn’t notice your fatigue. You’re comfortable, one thing can be said. Even if he experiences some failures in finding a job, injustice does not relieve him of responsibility for providing for his family. Especially when you are in maternity leave and should devote more time to the child. The question arises, why do you need such a person next to you if you do not feel protection, care, or support in your family. Divorce, of course, is a last resort, but if it is impossible to solve the problem in any other way, then it needs to be solved radically. If you were able to provide for the whole family, then even more so you can handle it on your own. And you know, this happens when people, even experiencing love, can end their marriage if it becomes clear that nothing can be changed.

Sincerely

Paryugina Oksana Vladimirovna, psychologist Ivanovo

Hello Nina! It is best to look for the answer together with your husband; you need to share responsibility with him. You are responsible for a lot of things in the family: taking care of the child, earning money. The question arises: what is your husband doing? He did not give birth to a child, as if the main concerns about the child are yours. Your husband takes a childish position: he is offended by you, does not look for work, and finds excuses. It’s strange that in such a situation you take out loans, because repaying them will most likely fall on you.

Nina, if you really love your husband, push him to earn money for the family, otherwise your family will fall apart. Are you asking how to do this? It's difficult to answer definitively. To begin with, you can call on him to the male responsibility of finding income and supporting his family. Next, you can talk to him about ways to find a job. You just need to talk calmly and not get upset by complaints and insults. Your husband wants to find a good income - anyone will do for a start. Tell him that when a person sits at home for a long time, it becomes increasingly difficult to find a job, and that’s all less strength from the person himself. Believe in his ability to take care of his family and convey this idea to him. As long as you carry everything on your shoulders, your husband will sit quietly at home. Share your worries and responsibilities with him - it’s time for him to grow up.

Gorbashova Svetlana Vasilievna, psychologist Ivanovo

Hello Nina!
In fact, you now have two children. And you are the only one who bears them. And if in the case of a child this is your maternal responsibility, then in the case of a husband it is not. He is a capable adult who has settled down very comfortably. Anything can happen in life. There are families where the husband and wife exchanged responsibilities: she gets the “mammoth”, he manages the house. But you don’t even have help around the house! Everything is on you. How much longer will your strength last with such a life? How long can you live like this when there is no help or support from someone close to you? After all, if the husband were really concerned about financial problems, he would first go to any job, even as a janitor. But it is much more comfortable for him to sit on your neck. And note, you allow him to do this. It’s just not clear why. In my opinion, it would be useful to sort this out, preferably with a psychologist.

Bondareva Svetlana Pavlovna, psychologist Almaty

He's depressed. Or he constantly changes jobs without staying anywhere for long. Or they make excuses that “there is no normal work.” Or he promises that “I’ll soon start earning millions, I just need...” and a long list of some circumstances. Here's what you need to know.

In the life of every man there are periods of failure, falls, and depression. A man has the right to a temporary stop to experience negative emotions, rethink, search for a new direction, search for himself. At this moment, he needs your emotional support. At this moment there is no need to advise, but rather to praise. Praise for his previous achievements, remember them, admire them.

BUT! There is only a short time when a man can be allowed to be inactive - three days. If after three days a man begins to TRY: go to an interview, look for advertisements in newspapers, study new profession etc., then it’s fine - continue to support, but ask when he plans to receive income. This is important because a man can delay the moment when he moves from attempts to RESULTS. This is how “eternal” students or “eternal job searches” are born.

Further. The deadline that the man himself named when he planned to receive income has passed, but you see that there is no result. Time to ask what's going on. Yes, there may be objective reasons. But more often they are subjective. Time to decide: give the man more time or move on to more decisive action.

You must remember: generating income is the RESPONSIBILITY of the man in the family. You have the FULL RIGHT to demand that he fulfill this responsibility and demand an account of what he does to fulfill it. It is clear that a man will resist, be indignant, and demand “not to meddle in his man’s affairs.” This is not a man's business. These are matters that concern the whole family. Therefore, every family member has the right to get into them. A man decides how to earn money. But everyone else has the right to demand from him that he EARN. You won’t be satisfied with promises and therefore you must decisively demand RESULTS. You have FULL RIGHT to do this.

So, the reasonable time when a man SHOULD have gotten ready and started earning money has passed, and he is still lying on the couch, watching TV or playing on the computer. It's time for tough action: start depriving him of his comfort. First you warn, give a term, then deprive it. For example: if you don’t get a job by the end of the week, I’ll sell the TV (I’ll break it, throw it away, burn it). Hit the sore spots: entertainment, food, sex. No money - no sex. No money - no food. No money - no fun. Dot. “Money in the evening, chairs in the morning,” as the great psychologist and fitter Mechnikov used to say.

As a summary:
1. A man should not be inactive for more than three days

In our modern world, women have long ceased to be the weaker sex. Yes, we have always strived for equality with men in all respects, and what have we got? A woman works equally with them, sometimes even does the same physically difficult work as men, spends a full day at work, and then runs home to cook dinner, do laundry, tidy up the house, and check on the children. homework, and, of course, you need to remember to caress your husband.

And with all this, a woman still needs to always remain attractive and well-groomed, otherwise her husband will suddenly leave for another. What is the role of a man in the family? He must be a breadwinner to provide for his family financially. But some men don't even perform this one function.

Yes, anything can happen: you were laid off at work or your business went bankrupt, but you always need to not give up and strive to find other options. Unfortunately, there are men for whom this process drags on not even for months, but for many years.

And we, women, wait all this time and hope that everything is about to change and everything will be as before, and we continue to carry on our fragile shoulders not only household, but also material support families. And the husband at this time “all in suffering” watches TV and spends all the time on the sofa.

If you are tired of this, then, first of all, you need to have a good understanding of the reasons why your husband cannot find a job. Maybe he just doesn’t want to do this and is okay with everything? So what, your wife earns money, runs the household, and you lie on your sofa, relax - an eternal vacation, and you don’t have to think or worry about anything. If so, then you need to drive such a husband out of the house and out of your life forever.

Never let a man sit on your neck.

But if your husband is not like that and you are satisfied with everything about him, except for the lack of work, then try to figure out what the cause of this problem is. Not all women are ready to put up with a situation of constant lack of money for a long time, so, in the end, the question arises, how to get your husband to work?

Main types

In order to understand where to start, you need to find out what types of non-working men there are, and what type exactly does your husband belong to?

• So, the first type is “ Sissy" This is a man, most often, with a weak character, who is accustomed to everyone taking care of him and deciding everything for him. Even if he had a job before, having lost it, he will not rush to look for a new one. What for? After all, everything suits him anyway. His wife works and this seems to him enough for a normal and comfortable existence. Since childhood, such a man has not been accustomed to taking responsibility for his actions, because his parents have always overprotected him from any problems. And now he is trying to shift his responsibilities as a breadwinner onto the shoulders of his wife, so that she is responsible for the financial support of the family.
• The second type is the “narcissist”. This is a man with high self-esteem who loves only himself and believes that any company dreams of getting an employee like him, giving him, of course, only a leadership position. In reality, everything turns out completely differently. Most often, a man’s real abilities and knowledge do not correspond to what he imagines about himself. This becomes immediately apparent during the first interview. And naturally, no one will want to hire such an employee. The “narcissist” considers it beneath his dignity to waste time on temporary work and be a minor worker, so he sits on the couch all day long, hoping that a good job will find him on its own.
• The third type is “swinging”. This is a man who always takes a very long time to get ready to do something. This does not mean that he is not looking for a job, he just needs a lot more time for this. He must weigh everything, check and carefully approach the choice of a new job. It is quite difficult for such men to get used to everything new just because they are “slow-witted,” i.e. They take a long time to delve into everything. Therefore, searching for a job can take quite a long time, but, in the end, it will eventually be crowned with success.
• The fourth type is the “misanthrope.” This is a man who constantly experiences difficulties in communicating with people due to his bad character. He categorically does not like other people, and he does not want to come into contact with them under any circumstances. Nowadays, you can hardly find a job where you don’t need to communicate with colleagues or clients. Therefore, it is very difficult for a misanthrope to find a suitable specialty. It is very difficult to establish any kind of business relationship with such a person, so employers try to avoid such employees. So he waits until a job that suits him completely appears. And this may not happen soon.
• The fifth type is “melancholic”. This is a very vulnerable man. He always takes everything to heart and forever remembers all grievances. Therefore, it is difficult for him to forget the bad experience at his previous job, and for a long time he cannot decide to look for a new one. But when he finally decides, the first unsuccessful interview can unsettle him for a long time. And he will be looking for a new option for a very long time. A melancholic person prefers to do nothing, so as not to be exposed to new stress.
• The sixth type is “”. This is a man who initially did not work, and does not intend to work. He is quite happy that his wife earns money, and he spends it for his own pleasure. He loves only himself and believes that the world revolves around him, and everyone else should provide for him.
• And a separate type includes men who cannot find work due to circumstances beyond their control. For example, your husband's specialty is this moment is not in demand in the employment market or does not have enough experience and qualifications to occupy a new position. Age may also be a reason for refusal. Nowadays, you can increasingly find advertisements looking for workers no older than 30-35 years old. And if your husband is over 30, then it’s quite difficult to find a new job.

And what should a woman do in this situation?

First, you should talk frankly with your husband about how he sees the future of your family? If you have children, then you should focus on this, you must show him that he is responsible for their future, that they need to eat well, dress well, attend various sports sections and clubs, and in the summer be sure to send them to a health camp.

You must make it clear to your husband that the money you earn is not enough for this, and that you cannot do without his help. If you don’t have children, then draw a beautiful future for your husband, new apartment, a car or a trip abroad, and tell him that if he continues to do nothing, then he will continue to travel on public transport all his life, and instead of a vacation at sea, he will lie on an old sofa.

You should find out from your husband what he is doing to find a new job, and why he does not want or cannot find a suitable option? He must have ironclad arguments for you to believe him. If you have doubts about his sincerity, you will have to take the situation into your own hands.

So, what to do if your husband doesn’t want to work, and how to get him to change?

It can be very difficult for a man to change his established lifestyle and usual job. Therefore, the search for new vacancies invariably causes fear from the unknown of what lies ahead. If your stay is only for a short time, then try to support him and help him cope with this difficult situation.

Constantly remind him of his good qualities to increase his confidence in his abilities.

But if, after months or even years, your husband cannot find a job, and a frank conversation with him on this topic did not help, then you should move on to active action.

Start monitoring the entire process of his job search. Even to the point of buying newspapers with advertisements for your husband and selecting suitable vacancies for him, if he still has not been able to do this on his own. Make sure he calls everyone and reports to you for each ad.

Also, make a good resume along with it and send it to different organizations, and you can also post it on the Internet at various labor exchanges. At least someone must respond. Then your husband will have nothing left to do but go to the interview, and maybe it will be crowned with success.

This advice is suitable for men who themselves do not dare to take the first step - these are melancholic, misanthrope and “swinging”, it can also be used for other types. By your actions you can push your husband to change.

But if this does not help, then let him feel with all his might what it is to be a “housewife.” Transfer all the household chores to him: let him cook, clean, do laundry, take care of the children, and at this time you will build your career and earn money.

And when you come home, you will strictly check the work he has done and constantly point out his mistakes. If he is a normal man, then very quickly he will get tired of being a female housewife, and he will begin to look more diligently for a new job.

Also a very effective method to force your husband to work is to completely deprive him of money. You should spend all the money you earn only on yourself and your children. No, of course, your husband should not die of hunger, but for all other needs, for example, cigarettes, beer, clothes, he will have to ask you for money every time.

And you must refuse him. Yes, he can ask his parents for money, but believe me, they will also very quickly get tired of supporting their adult son, and then they will work with you to find him a job. In addition, not every man will like to humiliate himself every time and ask his wife for money to buy himself cigarettes.

This advice is suitable for men with high self-esteem - “narcissists” and “mama’s boys”.

But the “alphonse” can very quickly be brought to clean water. To do this, it is enough to let him understand that you have begun to have financial difficulties, and that in the future you will have to save on everything. Believe that this man, who is accustomed to denying himself nothing, will immediately run away from you. And under no circumstances should you regret it. You deserve better! And a gigolo man is far from the best option!

And don’t worry, you will definitely live without him, because all this time you have provided for your family without his help, but he will be left without a job and without a family. And you will have a chance to meet a real man with whom you can feel like a weak, but very happy woman.

We hope that our advice will help you, and you will not have to make such serious decisions and radically change your life. Dear women, love yourself and don’t let anyone sit on your neck! You deserve better!

Sometimes women, to their amazement, begin to realize that their husband does not want to work and is not going to bring any income to the family.

It’s not bad if this is just a temporary phenomenon, and the job search is still underway.

But it happens that a guy or a man does not try to look for a job, some even just pretend to appease their lady, and create comfortable conditions for yourself.

Even the pregnancy of the other half or maternity leave does not bother them. This is where the woman has a problem, how to make a man work, what actions should be taken on her part.

How to overcome anxiety on the first day of school new job? will help you.

Causes

Why doesn't a man want to work? The following will help answer this question: analysis of the most common causes.

Each of the reasons requires a certain approach on the part of the spouse in order to help the other half with getting a job.

How to find out the truth about his unemployment?

How to determine: a man cannot find a job or is simply not looking for one? It happens that a wife or girlfriend cannot understand the actions of her chosen one.

Is he really looking for a place or is he just pretending that he is unable to get a job.

You cannot constantly remain in the dark; you need to know exactly about his intentions in order to build your life further, and not drag on yourself a person who is simply lazy or, due to his characteristics, does not want to strain.

To begin with, you can simply try to have a heart to heart talk. Mention the financial difficulties that the family is experiencing.

It is also possible to raise the question of the place of the man, the head of the clan in the family, how breadwinner and guarantor of welfare all family members, especially if there are children. The spouse's reaction to such conversations can indicate true intentions.

There is an option when the spouse herself finds a place and offers it.

If the husband happily agrees, then it is clear that he is really looking for a job.

If discontent begins or some excuses, promises that soon he should receive a call from a more reputable company, and after some time there is silence, it is clear that the guy is not eager to get a job. His own quiet existence is more valuable to him.

What to do, if…

Much depends on the psychology of the chosen one, including his attitude towards work. Alas, husbands are different.

The second half is “mama’s boy”

Similar men have been under guardianship since childhood, they take for granted that from childhood everything is done for them.

The excessive love of mom and dad reinforced in the guy that he doesn’t decide anything in his life on his own.

Correction in in this case the spouse will give in difficultly. The wife needs to listen to advice from psychologists:

Spouse is a “narcissist”

People of this type have very inflated prices. He believes that he is only worthy of a leadership position, and simple jobs are beneath him. However, often all his beliefs are based on nothing.

No skills, quality work only in words, in fact, he is not ready to fulfill it. For this purpose, from his point of view, he is waiting for more promising proposals, which may never come.

Experts advise the wife of such a selfish person to limit her money and reduce the pleasures she buys with her earned money.

You can report that there are problems, your salary has been cut, so you should tighten your belt. Narcissist is a must wants to continue familiar image life and in the end he will think about how to earn money himself.

The guy is slow-witted

It will take a lot of patience to get such a person to work.

Usually he characterized by slowness, will think for a long time to choose which place to take.

While he thinks, even if he acts good offer, the sweet spot may go to another, more determined man.

In this case, the wife is obliged to act decisively and push your slow-witted person to make an urgent decision. To do this she needs:

• show all the advantages of the proposed place of work;
• praising your husband as a great specialist, saying that the hour has come to realize himself;
• actively dreaming out loud about the future, meaning that everyone will work and earn decent money.

The husband is a misanthrope

If the chosen one cannot boast of love for people, this does not mean that he is not capable of work. As a rule, he is not afraid of her. The point is different. Misanthrope does not want to interact with society.

This type experiences considerable difficulties in elementary communication, and is almost unable to maintain discussions or even just talk with colleagues.

He's scared that he'll have to contact with people he doesn't like.

The wife should be advised look for an alternative, help with remote work. In this case, the husband can earn serious money, since he will be alone, without the need for unpleasant communication.

The man is melancholic

This type includes impressionable representatives strong half of humanity.

It takes them a long time to find a job, especially if they previously suffered a major failure.

They worry about it for a long time and do not dare to start the new kind activities. They may feel that they are discriminate, underestimate.

the main task loving woman- convince your loved one that he can do anything, he has enough strength and abilities to do it. You need to try very hard to raise your husband’s self-esteem.

It’s good if during this difficult period of his life he is treated kindly, people will talk about him care, praise often.

Of course, there should be no harsh comments, much less strict criticism for minor mistakes.

Usually, after such therapy, everything improves for the spouses; the melancholic guy becomes stronger in the idea that he capable of a lot.

Wife on maternity leave

It is even more difficult to live with a non-working person if the spouse is on maternity leave. Thoughts about an unsettled future oppress a woman, will not add health to either her or her unborn child.

In this case, it is better to push your loved one to take active action than to take a wait-and-see attitude when he himself finally decides to get down to business.

The task is to awaken in the husband the idea that caring for children and spouse is primarily his responsibility.

It would not be out of place to hint that working together, they would provide the child with the best.

If there is no response for a long time, you can start taking open action. It is imperative to awaken the getter instinct in a person. Although, in recent times, women have often taken on this complex role, the man is still traditionally considered the head of the family.

How to make it work?

In most cases, if the chosen one is not a gigolo and a degenerate alcoholic, the problem with the spouse’s employment can be solved. Even a heavy drinker able to pull himself together under certain pressure.

To make young man work, you must first of all calm down yourself, forget about screams, scandals and harsh words. Most often, they only worsen the situation and make all family members negative.

First of all, you should try identify the reason for unwillingness to work. Perhaps everything is not as it seems. Once the cause is established, action must be continued.

Most often this is:

In conclusion, it is worth noting that a man’s desire to work can largely depend on how his other half behaves, what role does she assign to her husband in the family?, what is the psychological climate in their relationship and in the house as a whole.

If you act wisely and with love for your loved one, then such a problem as your spouse’s work will be solved.

What to do if your husband doesn't work? Psychologist's advice:

A real man is loving, attentive and caring man. He is the head of the family, the breadwinner and a reliable support. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. In some cases, a man chooses to play the role of a keeper who is under the care of his wife. One of my friends faced this problem. At the beginning of the relationship, her husband showed himself as a confident young man, capable of moving mountains for her sake. Now he leads a relaxed and irresponsible lifestyle, not thinking about tomorrow and not paying attention to his wife’s opinion.

My friend is suffering, crying, but doesn’t see any way out yet. Therefore, for me this topic is acute and relevant. Why does he do this? What to do when the husband does not work and does not even try to find a suitable position? An experienced psychologist came to the aid of this family, who understood the situation and gave valuable recommendations. He not only took into account his wife’s opinion, but also entered into the husband’s position. Shall we listen to his advice? Maybe they will make someone think and start acting differently!

Advice from a psychologist on what to do if your husband doesn’t work

A husband who does not work does not mean he is selfish and a slacker. In fact, there are several forms of behavior that can easily be used to determine why a man refuses a dominant position.

The man has low self-esteem

Don't view this as a weakness. Your man doesn't have to be cowardly and lacking in opinion. Many life factors lead to low self-esteem. A person who is constantly faced with various failures and stress sooner or later gives up. He stops believing in himself and his strength. He is no longer interested in new achievements, he is not ready to conquer heights. It is lack of self-confidence that does not allow soft-bodied men to make a career, open their own business, or become successful and famous.

If your husband doesn’t want to work precisely because of low self-esteem, don’t be upset, there is a way out, you just have to try a little. So, we will do our best to increase self-confidence, encourage a man and guide him on the right path. Do not criticize him or lecture him under any circumstances. This will humiliate the person and only make the situation worse. Become a reliable support and support for him, encourage him in all his endeavors, praise him more. Don’t point out mistakes, because making mistakes is better than doing nothing at all.

Man - big child

In fact, you can often hear a woman say that her husband behaves like a big child. As a rule, this is a little exaggerated or said as a joke. But there are also real life examples when many people suffer from this quality. When we get married, we expect to live behind a stone wall. As a result, we ourselves are forced to take care of our spouse as if he were our son. Such men get offended over trifles and easily disappear for a day. Naturally, no boss will tolerate such behavior.

Unfortunately, psychologists say that you should not expect drastic changes in this case. Changing the character and habits of such a man is very difficult, and sometimes even impossible. A husband may be very successful in appearance, but at the same time he is capricious, jealous, susceptible to stress and does not know how to accept criticism. He is completely unadapted to everyday life, and even more so, it is difficult for him to establish relationships with his superiors. Fight fire with fire! Turn to him for help as often as possible. Try not to help in simple matters and do not lecture on small things.

Lazy man

It's not easy for a woman who lives with a lazy man. You come home tired from work, you need to cook dinner, wash the dishes, do the laundry, clean up. And at this time the husband lies calmly on the sofa and watches TV. To all requests to at least somehow help around the house or get a job, he has one answer: “I’m tired, I need to rest.” He has no goals, he doesn't want to do anything. Such a man does not want to grow and develop, or achieve career heights.

Be wiser and more cunning. You can tell a man that you can’t do without him. You supposedly can’t cope with something, but only he can help. When a man overcomes his laziness and fulfills your request, be sure to thank him for it. Don’t nag your husband, but gently point out that he is a creative person, and therefore needs to express his talent. You can offer him to work part-time or work with a flexible schedule.

Alphonse in all his manifestations

When a husband sits on his wife's neck, it is unpleasant and offensive. Strange things happen, some women are ready to indulge all the whims of such a man, to groom and cherish him, if only he would be with them. But not everyone wants to live by this principle. What to do? Abandon such a man and get rid of an unbearable burden? No, first you can try to do something about it, and only then go to extreme measures.

Many gigolo men do not understand hints, so speak about everything directly, express all complaints and voice your wishes. Analyze the situation carefully, act clearly, and don’t babysit too much. Plan your life in such a way that a man will have to solve everyday problems on his own as often as possible and carry out most of his responsibilities. Unfortunately, getting it to work is an impossible task, but it’s worth a try.

No matter what your husband is, you promised to love him and support him in difficult times. If you are not ready to endure, get a divorce, do not waste your time or his. Mutual assistance to your family and understanding in everything!