Many, unfortunately, have their own history of relationships that ended in separation, which very often does not occur by mutual consent. And if it’s difficult to understand what motivates a man, yet someone else’s soul is in the dark, to find out why a girl herself is capable of ruining her life by making a hasty decision to break up with a once loved one, perhaps it’s enough to find out, and most importantly, how to deal with it.
What can destroy a relationship
Love is a wonderful gift. When people truly love each other, they care and take responsibility for their chosen one, they are ready for difficulties and compromise. But the human psyche is structured in such a way that its formation is influenced not only by character, but also by what happens around us, so very often we cannot step over the subconscious barriers that prevent us from loving. And often this leads to the desire to destroy the relationship and try to meet a person who certainly will not disappoint.
But not everything is as simple as we would like. The values promoted today call for one to get only pleasure from life, and to get rid of what creates difficulties as quickly as possible. And if previously it was believed that family life- this is responsibility and, first of all, care and hard work that requires patience, today marriage is considered by many as an opportunity to get rid of difficulties and make their life easier, and when this turns out not to be the case, complete disappointment in the existing relationship occurs.
On the screen and in books, an image is created of lovers who are obliged to understand each other without words, think alike and never quarrel. Of course, there is nothing wrong with this, you should always strive for the best, but you cannot live life and build strong relationships without difficulties. And a lack of understanding of this, and especially a lack of readiness to deal with problems, gives rise to a frivolous attitude towards life. It seems as if, having gotten rid of a relationship that did not live up to expectations, you can start all over again, with a clean slate. In fact, attempts to run away from problems lead to even more confusing and difficult situations, and ultimately to loneliness.
The most common reason for divorce is disappointment in your partner due to the fact that the former passion disappears, everyday life gives rise to problems, and every day is similar to the previous one. For some reason, representatives of the fair sex are sure that as soon as they leave the registry office, their relationship with their loved one will become even better, but in reality it turns out that meetings and life together are not at all similar to each other. But who thinks about this when you really want to be no worse than everyone else and put on a beautiful thing as soon as possible? Wedding Dress and receive the proud title of wife.
One of the main mistakes in life together becomes a blind imitation of how it was customary to conduct before household. For some reason, in the modern world of information technology and the changing role of women in society, it is still believed that the fair sex is obliged to completely shoulder all household responsibilities. If earlier this was understandable, the man worked, earned money, and the wife sat at home with the children and looked after the household, but today, when women also work and sometimes earn more money than their husbands, it looks, to put it mildly, strange.
Of course, we can remember about rural women who carried the house, children and worked in the fields, but this did not add health and beauty to them, so there is no need to turn into the one who can do everything. Think about yourself, after all, taking care of the house, raising children and also working is so hard that in a few years all the former passion, and with it love, will evaporate, as if they never existed.
Do not put an unbearable burden on your fragile shoulders. Remember, you are a weak woman and you cannot do without the help of a strong man. If your chosen one loves you, he will happily take out the trash, help you vacuum, and bring you a heavy bag of groceries from the store.
And here the main difficulty is not how to persuade a man, but how to cope with by one's own desire demonstrate that you are capable of creating your loved one such comfort that he could only dream of. Don't become perfect, don't raise the bar. Then it will be very difficult to constantly maintain the image of a magnificent woman who, after a hard day at work, an evening shift in the kitchen, forgetting about the fatigue that cannot be avoided after such a busy day, is capable of turning into a passionate partner at night.
Learn to realistically assess your strengths, and then you won’t have to constantly think about how not to disappoint your chosen one. Still, no one has yet canceled that love for others begins with love for oneself. And it’s much more pleasant for a man to see his chosen one smiling all the time than a woman tortured by everyday life who constantly takes it out on him.
How not to ruin a relationship
- Don't try to create a perfect relationship. Do not compare your couple with others, and especially with those shown in TV series. There are no perfect relationships. Everyone has their own problems. Disappointment will never arise for someone who does not expect from a partner what he cannot give him.
- Before making a decision to live together, think again about whether everything suits you with your chosen one. While passion is still seething in the heart, it is easier to put up with what is simply annoying in others. Sooner or later it will subside or disappear completely, and then irritation will flare up with new strength and it will be very difficult or impossible to cope with it. Therefore, before taking a relationship to a more serious level, evaluate whether this is the man you would like to see next to you in a few years.
- Learn to concentrate not on its shortcomings, but on its advantages. Often the desire to find some kind of flaw in a man is not connected with the fact that he really exists, but with a subconscious intention to ruin the relationship. Many women are afraid of relationships, which is why they are lonely, even if they have had many partners. To understand exactly why you see so many shortcomings in your partner, look into your soul and find there the answer to the question: “Aren’t you afraid? Serious relationships?. This problem is especially relevant when in the family there were bad relationship and, having seen enough of this model of relationships, the girl subconsciously does not want to repeat the fate of her parents.
- Try to communicate with those who are happy in their marriage or relationship. In psychology there is such a thing as emotional contagion. It is what is responsible for the laughter in the hall, even when it is not funny at all. In the case when you are surrounded by people who constantly change partners, very soon you may also have a similar desire. Of course, no one claims that you will do the same, but it’s still better to play it safe and try to protect your love from any dangers.
- Do not try to rest separately from each other. A different social circle, the likelihood of meeting a handsome stranger, a completely different view of the world increase the risk of ruining a relationship. Of course, it is necessary to take a break from each other, but this does not mean visiting entertainment venues or relaxing at sea. Strong drinks, fun, single friends can provoke you into rash actions that cannot be corrected, and feelings of guilt will gradually destroy relationships, no matter how strong they are. Yet, when loved ones spend a lot of time together, especially on vacation, they do not get tired, but on the contrary, they get to know each other even more, which allows them to strengthen their relationship.
- Be different. Whatever happens, learn to react correctly. There is no need to lash out at your loved one over any little thing, or turn into a grumpy wife who is so tired of everyday life that she is ready to start a scandal over everything.
- Even if you are not happy with something, talk about it calmly. Don’t be silent, don’t accumulate resentment and complaints. It is much more pleasant to immediately tell your loved one in a gentle form how he offended you than to walk around upset or worse with a dissatisfied expression on his face, and then scold him a week later.
Love is not only joy and pleasure, it is daily work on oneself and responsibility for the chosen one. No matter what obstacles stand in your way, happiness depends solely on whether you are ready to learn to love and protect your personal life from all threats. And then you will never need to think about what is destroying the relationship, because everything will be fine with you.
When it comes to relationships, reality rules. We"d all like to think of ourselves as everyone"s best friend, but what"s the truth? Are you a hero or a zero to other people? Do you see yourself as others really see you? Do you need to make a fresh deposit into your relationship account before you go overdrawn? S.U.M.O. Your Relationships will help you manage, maintain, grow and move on, in your key relationships with others and yourself. At some point in your life you are going to have to deal with difficult relationships, whether it"s with a colleague, parent, friend or partner. Isn't it time you did a stock take of your relationships and started making the best of them? S.U.M.O. Your Relationships has pit stops, pearls of wisdom and all the humor and inspiration you need to make the key changes in your life. You will discover the seven S.U.M.O. realities followed by seven insights to help light the way to a brighter future. PRAISE FOR S.U.M.O. YOUR RELATIONSHIPS "This book is full of wisdom, common sense and practical ideas on improving relationships. An essential read." -ALLAN PEASE, Co-author of THE DEFINITIVE BOOK OF BODY LANGUAGE and WHY MEN DON"T LISTEN AND WOMEN CAN"T READ MAPS
1899.8 RUR
1. Trying to change each other
There are no ideal people. But do not confuse habits and character traits. There are things that a person cannot change about himself, no matter how much you reproach him. Therefore, do not confuse socks scattered around the house (a habit) and an umbrella lost for the fifth time this season (absent-mindedness is a character trait).
2.Meeting the parents
It’s good if you know the other half’s parents (and she/he knows yours). It's even better when they are friends. Alas, this does not always happen. The potential mother-in-law may not like the son-in-law, and the future mother-in-law may not like the daughter-in-law, but this should not affect the relationship within the couple. Don't disrespect your choice and don't drag your loved one to family dinners. They promise nothing but a spoiled mood.
3. Mobile phone
It's amazing how quickly gadgets have turned from helpers to home-wreckers. Instead of enjoying communication with our loved one, we chat on the phone, write SMS, and sit on social networks. Of course, sometimes there are really important things to do, but in the end, nothing is more important than a loved one.
4. Public reproaches
Never, you hear, never sort things out in public places. You will confuse not only your partner, but also those around you. No matter how much your blood boils, no matter how much you want to dot all the i's here and now, do it only face to face.
5. Quarreling
Disagreements are inevitable. Sooner or later, any couple finds stumbling blocks. Moreover, this is normal. Quarrels are part of a happy relationship. But on one condition. Don't cross the line. Don't insult each other, don't put your offense above your partner, and remember that there is no conflict that cannot be resolved through compromise.
6. Silence
Nobody can read your mind. Even a loved one. There is a problem? Talk about it. Is there something you don't like? Speak. Expressing emotions, both positive and negative, is key psychological health.
7. Forgiveness
Everyone makes mistakes. And you too. Know how to forgive your loved ones. Don't hold grudges or accumulate them. This will not only save your relationship, but will also help you avoid unwanted stress. Psychologists have long noticed that grievances have a negative impact on human health.
8. Wrong time, wrong place
Important issues need to be discussed in the right environment and at the right time. You shouldn’t start a conversation, for example, about moving, after a hard day at work. Monosyllabic answers and faceless nods are not a sign of indifference. Your partner is just tired, he doesn’t have the energy for a discussion. Save the conversation for later.
9. Finance
Relationships involve giving as well as taking. However, you should not be petty, especially in financial matters. Agree on the main things: how to run the household, pay bills, distribute the budget. But don’t allow phrases like: “We’re going to the cinema on the weekend, but you pay, just like I paid last time.”
10. Transforming a fly into an elephant
Nobody's perfect. Did he forget to throw out the trash? Did she burn your shirt? Did he buy the wrong yogurt? She didn't pay for the Internet? Believe me, all this is so stupid that it’s not even worth your attention, not to mention your emotions. Don't make a mountain out of a mountain. Take a walk instead (toss out the trash at the same time). Laugh at the hole in your shirt, because it's time to buy a new one. Try the “wrong” yogurt, maybe this one tastes even better? Light some candles and spend a romantic evening without the Internet...
11. Espionage
Love is built on trust. Trust your soulmate. Your loved one can (and should) have their own space. Respect him. Don't read text messages, don't look at your email, don't rummage through your pockets. All this hurts love and destroys relationships.
12. Jealousy
Some people believe that jealousy is a sign of love, others that it is selfishness and disrespect. Shakespeare generally called jealousy a monster that conceives and gives birth to itself. In any case, both suffer from it: one is tormented by suspicion, the other is offended by mistrust. How to deal with this? Just be honest - don't give or look for reasons to be jealous.
13. Excessive calm
Have you noticed that when people find a mate and everything goes well for them, they begin to gain weight? Harmony and tranquility in a relationship is wonderful. But this is not a reason to stop taking care of yourself. Do you want your partner to lose interest in you? Doesn't your loved one deserve to be proud of your beauty?
If you see that the problem is brewing (one might even say that it has grown) with your loved one, buy a gym membership... for two.
14. Comparisons
Forget about your exes. They are a thing of the past. In the present there is new love. And it is easy to destroy if you compare your partner with ex-passions.
15. Together 24 hours a day
“They are the perfect couple – they do everything together!” – every time you hear such exclamations, you involuntarily smile sarcastically. How long will they be together? A person psycho-physiologically needs solitude. Don't strive to spend every minute with your loved one. On the contrary, the less time for communication, the more valuable it is.
16. Lie
A lie, like water, can erode the foundation of any, even the strongest, union. It’s possible to follow Dr. House’s principle – “everyone lies,” but not when communicating with your loved one. Speak honestly if the soup is slightly under-salted or if you didn’t like the dress you were given, and learn to adequately perceive such truth addressed to you.
17. Lying to yourself
Sometimes relationships collapse not because we lie to our partner, but because we are not honest enough with ourselves. Is this the person I want to grow old with? Do I want to give myself to this relationship? Until you sincerely answer these questions for yourself, you will not achieve harmony in your relationship.
18. Diffidence
The lower your self-esteem, the more insecure your partner feels. Don’t let your complexes give rise to questions: did I choose the right person? What can he (she) give me if he doesn’t believe in himself? The opposite is true - run away from someone who asserts himself at your expense and makes you feel insignificant.
19. Goals
What will happen next? Where will your relationship lead? You need to know exactly whether your goals coincide with your partner's plans. Perhaps he (she) is not at all inclined to get married in the near future, while you are already dreaming of a family. Don't be shy to ask these questions and don't be afraid to end a dead-end relationship.
20. Love as a given
It is believed that they love not for something, they love for no reason. That's right. But this “coin” also has a flip side - love cannot be taken for granted. Love is a gift of fate. Be grateful to the person next to you for his feelings.
“My husband perceives every day as a war with life,” Irina admits bitterly. “This is not the person I once met, who knows how to enjoy little things, who understands the value of our relationship.” It so happened that he lost his job, his mother fell ill, and he did not find the strength to resist these blows. As a result, my mother recovered and a job was found, but he perceives all my attempts to return his optimistic outlook, to come up with and do something that will please him, as an insult.”
“If a loved one begins to live in a “castle of negativism,” we have to spend energy not only on defusing a difficult situation, but also on maintaining our clearer view of the world, in which joys and sorrows are so subtly intertwined, says psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, author of the bestselling book Why Can't You Read My Mind? (“Why can’t you read my mind?” Da Capo Press, 2003). “In this case, we often only face our own emotional devastation.”
Jungian analyst Lev Khegai associates such negativism with the first signal of loss of attraction to a partner, which may also be a sign of depression. However, he believes that it is not depression that is dangerous here.
Treason is more terrible because it undermines sexual attraction partners
“In some cases, it even stabilizes relationships if the partner wants to help and save the depressed person,” says the analyst. - The problem begins when depression is accompanied by loss of desire. A partner's negativity can be tolerated as a character trait or as a temporary deviation caused by depression, as long as the sexual basis of the relationship is not destroyed. After all, sexuality is like the cornerstone on which the whole building rests. For example, cheating is more scary because it undermines the sexual desire of partners.”
2. Distance
She has ceased to be affectionate, is no longer interested in how your day was, leaving you with an unspoken question - are you as dear to her as before? Every time you want to talk openly with him about problems that are painful to you, he responds with icy silence. It's like he doesn't hear you.
Lev Khegai explains this distance by a loss of interest in the partner as a person. When people want to build relationships, they begin to erase differences and find similarities: they are interested in literally everything about each other. However, at the moment of psychological separation preceding a break, we, on the contrary, note inconsistencies and shy away from contacts in which we see no meaning.
“Often, distancing from a partner, leading to a complete loss of interest in him, turns out to be a neurotic repetition and acting out of the crisis that we experienced in childhood, when we left the zone of influence of our parents,” says Lev Khegai. If the same thing happens to you in a partnership, it means that we unconsciously perceive our partner’s influence as destructive and overwhelming, just like our parents once did, and we want to get rid of it.
“Showing your partner that he is avoiding you is a form of passive aggression,” says Jeffrey Bernstein. “And one of the most painful for someone who is doomed to face the cold indifference of a loved one.”
3. Criticism
Constantly criticizing your partner is one of the biggest threats to a relationship. You live with the feeling that a loved one is dissatisfied with you - he expresses it openly or makes fun of you in a way that hurts you.
“A young woman, complaining of a lack of understanding in her family, admitted that she once called her husband sexually inadequate in response to criticism of her excessive extravagance,” Bernstein says. “In the end, these mutual accusations completely destroyed the trust with which, according to her, their marriage once began.” Lev Khegai associates this behavior with a loss of respect and calls it the ninth wave that can sink a ship.
“If it is still possible to maintain business or functional ties with a distant person in whom we have lost interest, then there is no point in maintaining contact with someone whom you do not respect,” he says. “It takes great courage to meet your “enemy” halfway and try to reconcile with him - to give him recognition and begin to respect him again.” Not everyone is ready for this inner work.
What to do?
“Attempts to impose on you a gloomy view of reality, a desire to isolate yourself, not to mention constant criticism, turn out to be rust, gradually destroying what was once so dear to you in each other,” says Jeffrey Bernstein. - Sometimes it’s even more dangerous than betrayal - another common reason breakups."
Indeed, we are ready to attribute a lot of things to difficult life circumstances; we can endlessly justify our partner, proving to ourselves that he has other, wonderful qualities. However, according to Bernstein, if you do not confront this triad that is destructive to relationships, the union is most likely doomed. Especially if, despite all attempts, the partner does not cooperate, refuses to talk, or does not even want to think about outside psychological help.
“But even if you decide to break up, it’s important to talk to a specialist,” says Bernstein. “This will help us understand more clearly our role in the current scenario, so as not to repeat it again.”
Love is the most wonderful feeling, a great gift from heaven... But only at its initial stage love is romantic dates, tender kisses under the moon, etc. When a relationship crosses this line and becomes more serious, many couples have problems.
A happy relationship is hard work every day, based on mutual respect and patience. In order for your relationship with your loved one to continue to remain harmonious, you need to work a lot, and above all on yourself. Unfortunately, it is much easier to destroy the harmony of relationships, and no effort is required.
There are things that can irrevocably destroy the most beautiful relationships. We will tell you about them and show you how to maintain your happiness.
Common problems
Trying to change each other
Unfortunately (or fortunately) there are no ideal people. But do not confuse habits and character traits. There are things that a person cannot change in himself, no matter how much you reproach him for them. Therefore, do not confuse socks scattered around the house (a habit) and an umbrella lost for the fifth time this season (absent-mindedness is a character trait).
Meeting the parents
It’s great if you know your significant other’s parents, and he knows yours. It's even better when your parents are friends.
But alas, this is not always the case. More well known are situations where a potential mother-in-law does not like a son-in-law, and a daughter-in-law dislikes her future mother-in-law. Often friends criticize the choice of a girlfriend or boyfriend.
But all this should not in any way affect the relationship within the couple. Never allow your relatives and friends to disrespect your loved one.
And even more so, if the relationship is not working out, do not force your loved one to go with you to family dinners and friendly gatherings. This will bring nothing but a spoiled mood.
Mobile phone
Surprisingly, all kinds of mobile devices, which have become so firmly established in our lives, very quickly turned from helpers into home-wreckers.
After all, instead of enjoying communication with our loved ones, we spend hours on the phone, write countless SMS, and hang out on social networks. Yes, undoubtedly, in the frantic pace of life, we cannot do everything during the working day, and sometimes there are really important things to do. But still, do not forget that there is nothing more important than a loved one.
Public reproaches
Never, you hear, never sort things out in public - on the street or in public places. Not only will you embarrass yourself and your significant other, but you will also embarrass those around you. No matter how irritated you are, no matter how much you want to dot all the i’s immediately, do it only in private.
Quarreling
We are all living people and disagreements are inevitable in the process of relationships. Any couple on the path to happiness sooner or later encounters stumbling blocks. Moreover, this is absolutely normal.
Quarrels are part of a happy, healthy relationship, because they help us open up and get to know each other.
But this is possible only under one condition - never cross the line! Don't stoop to insulting each other. Do not put your grievance above your loved one and be sure to remember that any conflict can be resolved through compromise.
Silence
If some problem arises, something upsets you, you don’t like it, don’t be silent, but say it right away. After all, no one can read your thoughts, not even your loved one. The expression of both positive and negative emotions is the key to people’s psychological health, and, consequently, their relationships.
Forgiveness
We all make mistakes, including you. Don't keep grudges to yourself and don't accumulate them. Know how to forgive those you love. This will not only save your relationship, but will also help you avoid unwanted stress. Psychologists have long found out that grievances have a negative impact on human health.
Not the time and not the place
Important issues need to be discussed in the appropriate environment and at the appropriate time. You shouldn’t start talking about pressing family matters (moving, wedding, etc.) after a hard day at work.
Monosyllabic answers and vague nods from your loved one are not at all a sign of his indifference to you and the subject of the conversation. He's just tired and doesn't have the energy to discuss. Postpone your conversation to a more convenient time.
Finance
Relationships imply that each partner not only takes, but also gives. However, you should not be petty, especially in matters related to finances.
To avoid unpleasant misunderstandings, agree with your other half on the main things: housekeeping, paying bills, budget distribution (common, separate).
But under no circumstances allow phrases like: “We go to the cinema (museum, theater) on the weekend, but you pay, just like I paid last time.”
Transforming a fly into an elephant
There are no perfect people. Did you ask him to take out the trash and he forgot? Sent for kefir, but he brought yogurt, missing that you were on a diet? Believe me, all these are such little things that they are not even worth your attention, not to mention your emotions. There is no need to turn a fly into an elephant.
Instead of wasting time on empty arguments, it’s better to take a walk together, and at the same time you can grab some trash. Depart from the rules and eat yogurt, nothing bad will happen just once.
Espionage
Relationships and love should always be built on trust, otherwise it is no longer love, but possessiveness. Even if you are afraid of losing him, trust your loved one, because trust is respect.
Your partner must have personal space. Don't check his phone for text messages, read his email, or go through his pockets. Mistrust and control hurt love and destroy relationships.
Jealousy
According to some people, jealousy is one of the signs of love. Others consider the expression “Being jealous means loving” is complete nonsense, and jealousy itself is disrespect for oneself and a manifestation of selfishness.
But in any case, both suffer from jealousy: one suffers from the torment of suspicion, and the other is offended by the mistrust of a loved one. How to deal with this you ask? It’s very simple - be honest, don’t give or look for reasons to be jealous.
Excessive calm
Have you ever noticed that when a person finds a mate and everything goes well for him, he begins to gain weight?
Harmony and tranquility in a relationship is wonderful. But nevertheless, this is not a reason to stop taking care of yourself and live by the principle “I shouldn’t get married.” Do you want your loved one to lose interest in you? Doesn't he deserve to see you beautiful?
If you understand that such a problem is brewing (one might even say, has grown) with your significant other, buy a gym membership... for two. It's always easier to overcome everything together.
Comparisons
If you have entered into a new relationship and it means a lot to you, forget about your ex. This is a passed stage of your life, it is in the past. There is new love in the present and that’s the main thing.
Never allow comparisons with former partners (he is more experienced in intimate terms, he is more skilled, etc.), this will destroy relationships and ruin love.
Together 24 hours a day
Man is designed in such a way that he psycho-physiologically needs periodic solitude. And when you hear about a couple that they do not separate for a minute and always do everything together, the thought involuntarily arises: “How long will such a relationship last?”
Do not dissolve in your loved one completely and completely, do not strive to spend every minute with him. On the contrary, the less time left for communication, the more valuable it is.
Lie
A lie, like water, can erode the foundation of any, even the strongest, union. The principle - “everyone lies” - is sometimes good, but not when communicating with a loved one.
If, for example, you didn’t like the dress you were given, then say so honestly. Anyway, sooner or later your loved one will understand this, for example, if you never wear his gift. And also learn to respond adequately to the truth spoken by your loved one to you.
Lying to yourself
Relationships can be destroyed not only by our dishonesty towards our loved one, but also by the fact that we are sometimes not honest enough with ourselves.
Sometimes, instead of getting bogged down in a web of self-deception, you should ask yourself “Is this the person with whom I want to grow old?”, “Do I want to give myself to this relationship?”
Many avoid this at all costs, afraid of being left alone and not finding a new relationship later. And this is understandable. But until you sincerely answer these questions for yourself, you will not be able to achieve harmony in your relationship.
Diffidence
Low self-esteem of one of the partners also has a destructive effect on the relationship. Don’t let complexes give rise to questions like: “Did I choose the right person?”, “What can he give me if he doesn’t believe in himself?”
The lower your self-esteem, the more insecure your partner feels. However, the opposite is also true - run away from someone who is trying to assert himself at your expense, making you feel like an insignificance.
Goals
When starting a relationship, you should know exactly whether your life plans coincide with those of your partner.
Perhaps he is not at all inclined towards marriage in the near future, while you are already dreaming of a family.
Love as a given
It is believed that people love not for something, but just like that and even in spite of it. But nevertheless, love cannot be taken for granted. Love is a gift of fate. Be grateful to the person next to you for his feelings.
Now you know what can destroy a relationship, so take care of your love and be happy!
