Are you a real pro at spying on your ex-boyfriend online? Let's be honest and admit it: social networks give most girls the opportunity to be Sherlock Holmes.
Careful analysis of each of his new photos, linguistic examination of the status, studying the profile of a suspicious girl who tagged him in the photo ... This can become a habit! Why do we continue to follow the life of a former loved one, even if we swore that we forgot about him and have long been moving on?
And what is more in it: curiosity, jealousy, resentment, self-doubt? Kevin Weiss from the University of Missouri in his experiment, using sensors, tracked the movements of the subjects' eyes when they browsed the pages of friends and ex-partners on Facebook. He then analyzed the subjects' responses to these visual stimuli.
Let's skip the complex scientific details and move on to the conclusion. He concluded that we spend so much time spying on our exes because we experience instant "emotional gratification" in those moments. Surprising but true. Weiss sees "online stalking" as a form of emotional attachment to a person.
Not everyone shares such a cheerful view of the problem. Psychologist Tara Marshal from England warns that obsession with your ex's life can be dangerous to your health. Those who remain friends on the social network will have a harder time getting used to their new status than those who removed the ex from the friend feed. For those who actively follow the news in the life of an ex-boyfriend, it will be even more difficult to come to terms with changes in their personal lives.
A study conducted by Marshall established a direct relationship between the level of stress of the test subject and the time he spent monitoring the news on the page of the former. As you guessed, the stronger the depression, the more people sat online.
Along with depression, the general level of dissatisfaction with one's life also increased, self-esteem fell, and even physical well-being worsened. But stalking was a habit... Isn't that good reason put down your laptop and tablet and take a walk with your girlfriends: it’s better to wash his bones alive and feel the support of loved ones - it’s healthier!
For those who think too much about the former partner, the Split app was developed in the USA. It tracks your movements ex boyfriend/girls, thus allowing you to avoid accidentally meeting him, say, in a cafe on the corner. Convenient - but only until you start using this service as best friend spy to keep abreast of everything related to your passion.
How to stop following the life of an ex?
So, we realized that espionage does harm to us. There are so many beautiful things in life, and we spend it on unproductive actions, again and again climbing onto his page for no reason. First of all, give yourself time. In the first week, thinking about him often is normal. Time heals, and if you continue to live on, gradually your attention will switch to other interesting things. Probably even for a new love. Throw out emotions, do not accumulate them in yourself. It is better if there is a beloved girlfriend nearby who will fully support you. But solitary therapy is also useful: watch plenty of tearful melodramas, eat ice cream and cry. You will feel that it has become easier.
Sober mind and cold calculation
It is difficult to cope with emotions and look at things soberly, but it is this approach that will help overcome the desire to spy on the former. Our brains are designed in such a way that bad memories are erased, but good ones (about the most romantic moments) linger. Remember the shortcomings of the ex-boyfriend and his bad deeds - you did not part from scratch! You can write down all his sins on paper for clarity. Look at this list more often and realize that your separation is for the better!
Andrey, 25 years old.
How to stop spying ex-girlfriend and forget her?
I broke up with a girl whom I met 2, 5. I fell in love and became attached and now it's hard to forget. There is one thing but she is now communicating with another. And in my opinion he likes it. I talked with her on this topic more than once, and she told me several times that she had no feelings for this person. She has known him for more than (3 months) even when we were paired with her.
The reason for our separation was "I have no feelings for me." When asked why she dragged on for so long, she said that she didn’t want to quit hot, but tried to find them all like that (in general, she doubted). In fact, it was clear from her that everything started for us even before we met this dick. They also see each other once a week, as they go to youth at the church (she likes this topic)
The bottom line is that after our breakup, I started spying on her and him on social networks. And he noticed that he began to appear online only when she was also sitting. It blows my mind. I called her once again to put an end to this and not bother her anymore. She again replied that she had no feelings for him and that something was unlikely to happen to him ... In our relationship, we never lied to each other (I never caught her in a lie, and if she said something unpleasant, then it was honest) and after parting, we also remain honest.
The problem is me. I invested a lot (I fell in love) in it and now I suffer so much. I have already made the decision to let her go and move on with my life. But it's not that easy
Rsoinvi
Olesya Verevkina
Andrey, hello! I have respect for your determination to find a way out of this situation by asking for help. This is a powerful move for a man. Let's try to understand what keeps you from letting go. Let me ask you a few clarifying questions, okay?
I would ask you to tell us about yourself: do you work or study? Who is educated? By specialty? How do you like to spend your free time? Do you live alone or with family? Who is in your inner circle?
It is also important for me to know what stages your relationship with the girl you broke up went through. When you felt that you were interested in her, where did you meet? What attracted you to her? What did she appreciate in you?
For you, is this the first relationship in which there are such painful feelings or have there been similar situations in relationships before?
About myself:
I work in IT. I live separately in an apartment. There is a higher education (technical). I try to devote my free time to something, lately I go to the gym, go out with friends, go to visit my parents. I try not to sit at home for a long time (sometimes I sit at home for one day).
This is not my first relationship. This is my first sincere love (perhaps I confuse this with a strong attachment)
Relationship stages. We met. Then she moved in with me (at that time I lived with my parents). Six months later, they rented an apartment. We lived in it for 2 years. Never quarreled, there was mutual understanding and trust.
About myself. It didn't take long for me to realize that I loved her. It happened 1.5 years ago. Our first year, I did not have strong feelings for her, she is the opposite. Then came the moment when I realized that I love her and became softer with her. What a period of time we had on feelings). I began to see her as my future wife, the mother of our children.
A little history from the very beginning. When I met her, she was cold (unemotional). But I was able to melt her heart and she changed.
Somewhere since the beginning of the year, everything began to crumble. The girl began to grow cold towards me (it was unpleasant for her when I kissed her, she began to look for flaws in me, like you have dandruff (even though I washed my hair every two days, took a shower, took care of myself.).
I know my reason. I am just very attached to her, because I opened myself completely to her and let her into my heart. Now I suffer. But with already, as it were, resigned to the fact that we will not be together.
After all, love should be mutual, and not only on my part (I want to be happy like that all the time)
I don’t give me one thing so far, that in time she can be with this new friend. Who are now so actively communicating with her and sharing with her their former relationship. I have a very big aggression towards him and I would like to deal with him physically, but I understand that this is wrong, because the girl makes the choice.
I talked to him and he answered that he understands everything and that he likes her more as a person. If that he is a Baptist and believes that everything comes back in twins.
She says that she does not meet with him and that he does not stick to her ... Well, my friend is like that. But all in all, it worries me a lot. I just have a dislike for this person, I know that others write to her, but for some reason they don’t excite me ...
My jealousy interferes with both me and her. I want to stop it, I want to leave her alone.
This is the first such excruciating suffering in a relationship.
Rsoinvi
Rsoinvi, you know, I'm trying to listen to your story and all the time I feel some kind of emptiness, the overall picture does not add up. Help me better understand what happened in your relationship with a girl? I will write what I understand, and you try to supplement or clarify, okay?
I realized that you met with her for 2.5 years. Most of this time you lived together, rented an apartment. Who is your girlfriend by education and profession? Is she working now? Does she rent an apartment herself or lives with her parents?
How did you meet her? Did you share common interests with her? Which means she "likes the topic
"youth at the church
Click to reveal...
I have not yet understood how you met, but you said that at first the girl was cold to you. How did you manage to win it? How long after you started dating did she move in with you? Where did she live before? After you started renting an apartment, did you share housing costs with her? Did you have a general budget, how did you solve financial issues?
It didn't take long for me to realize that I loved her. It happened 1.5 years ago. Our first year, I did not have strong feelings for her, she is the opposite. Then came the moment when I realized that I love her and became softer with her. What a period of time we had on feelings
Click to reveal...
I can’t yet figure out how the emotional balance was arranged in your relationship: at first she was cold, but you conquered her, right? Then she began to have feelings for you, but you don't? And after a year of relationship, you realized that you love her, and she just cooled down. It turns out that in your couple all the time someone is trying to win a partner emotionally, while the other keeps a distance. It seems? Could it be that now another period has arisen when the girl distanced herself, and you succumbed to the scenario as a catch-up? Was there a period when both of you were attuned to each other and the balance was kept symmetrical?
This friend, who has now appeared with the girl, and who irritates you so much, is he familiar to you from some former company? Have you crossed paths with him before? How do you explain such a clear on your part sense of danger emanating from him? Does something seem familiar to you, understandable in his behavior patterns? He is somewhat similar to you, maybe? Or, on the contrary, is it very different from you? Do you have a feeling that such a guy can please a girl?
Please explain what is the reason for the fact that the girl continues to be frank with you and answer questions about whether she has feelings for another guy? Why do you think she thinks she can share this with you? It looks like some kind of sophisticated mockery: she broke off relations with you, but continues to reveal her emotional experiences ... What do you say about this?
Question from the chat of Yuri Burlan's free online training "System-Vector Psychology"
« I follow my ex-husband on social networks all the time, although she herself left, barely got rid of him. A child was born from him. And now I'm watching, jealous. There were very strong feelings, like a drug. She also said that the child was not from him, so as not to get me (the whole pregnancy wore out my nerves). And now I can’t forget, I’m very physically attracted to him (everything was perfect in sex). What to do with it?”, — wrote Maria from the city of Moscow.
Your situation is similar to "emotional dependency" which can occur in a person with a visual vector, and the inability to “let go” of the former, obsession with memories of him is characteristic of the owners of the anal vector.
Let's take a look at what happens to a person who has anal-visual ligament of vectors in the event of a break in a close relationship.
People with an anal vector have a rigid psyche, that is, they do not quickly switch from one thing to another in the way that we can observe in a person with a skin vector. In System-Vector Psychology, the term "viscosity of thinking" is used. It is she who explains the behavior of a person with an anal vector in difficult situations, when switching occurs not only slowly, but, one might say, in no way.
In the event of a break in the relationship, there will also be a rigidity of the psyche and "viscosity of thinking", which will not make it easy to break the connection. There is a stuck in a situation, a person cannot get out of it, although he understands with his mind that the relationship has exhausted itself and nothing good will happen. But the unconscious brings him back to this relationship again and again. He begins to dig, analyze what and how, mentally trying to sort of " finish what you started».
An important role is played by the fact that in the anal vector there is a strong desire to create a family. The family is one of the main values of the bearer of such a psyche. And if the owner of the anal vector fails in creating and maintaining a family, then this affects his condition. Until a new relationship arises, he will again and again return to the old ones, unable to "completely leave", so to speak, "slam the door."
And new relationships will not be able to arise due to obsession with old ones. It turns out a vicious circle.
Same in the situation you describe. On the one hand, you yourself left your husband - perhaps the properties of the skin vector helped you decide to take this step - but then the properties of the anal vector manifested themselves to a greater extent and forced you to follow ex-husband, although you write that he "worn out your nerves."
The visual vector, in turn, also prevents you from completely breaking off the relationship. This vector contains a large emotional volume. People with a visual vector are the most sensual, compassionate, eager to love and be loved, striving to create emotional connections. They need to give and receive emotions like air.
The emotional connection created with a loved one is vital and important for them. The rupture of this connection hits the psyche of a person with a visual vector, he loses ground under his feet, experiences suffering.
And so it turns out a paradox. With reason, we understand that the relationship has reached a dead end, that we receive suffering from a loved one, and no longer want this, and decide to break.
On the other hand, our unconscious guides us, and we are unable to resist it, because we do not understand what is happening. The human psyche is a complex mechanism that was previously difficult to study. The advent of System-Vector Psychology has changed the situation.
With its help, you can penetrate the secrets of the unconscious, answer exciting questions, and this does not require special education. All that is needed from a person is his strong desire to understand himself and change his life for the better.
The answer is written using the materials of Yuri Burlan's online training "System-Vector Psychology"
You secretly rejoice that your former friend- who has now become an enemy - has not yet noted in his status that he has a new passion? Do you constantly check to see if he has new posts on his wall, and if the posts show signs that he, too, has someone? Or is he courting someone on Twitter? And when you try to refrain from updating his page, from another attempt to look into his account, you literally feel an itch in your fingertips ...
The habit of following the life of the former: you are not alone
Spying on the life of an ex is a phenomenon more common than you might think, imagine and imagine even in your wildest fantasies. So if your morning starts by browsing the VKontakte page (we hope you are aware that you can already track the guest list there?) And then smoothly migrating to his Facebook profile, you know: on this planet the same professionals. Moreover, both sexes - men follow the life of their ex in the same way. But, as a rule, the majority admits this only to the Internet, driving the query “I follow the life of the former” into the search engine. Not only that, some go even further - follow the life of the former of their new partner! What to do and how to deal with it?
The habit of following the life of the former is a variant of the norm
In fact, psychologists say that there is nothing shameful in the habit of following the life of an ex, just like in the habit of spying on the actions of a person who infuriates you, there is also nothing shameful. According to psychologists, in social networks we are interested not only in our friends, but also in our enemies. And some of them are so much that they are even ready to endure the second in a group of friends and read them in the feed mixed with real friends. In the West, a special term “shadenfriending” was even invented for this, the first root of which is translated from German as “jubilation”, “gloating” or “harmful joy” (isn't this the emotion we experience when we watch the complaints and lamentations of our enemy?). This is an understandable human feeling, desire, aspiration, an evolutionary mechanism. And the Internet has only made it much easier for us to find satisfaction: now it’s enough just to look at the ex’s Instagram from time to time to find out about the location of his last vacation, while Facebook will talk about his personal life, and LinkedIn will allow you to keep abreast of events at his work and about how his professional career is progressing.
Blame... the internet
A public social media profile lets you know what's going on in other people's lives without having to communicate directly. This is handy when the connection is broken for some reason - and not necessarily that this person was your heart friend or secret romantic sweetheart. We often follow former classmates, classmates, occasionally we go to see how they develop without us ... and we do not always want to criticize or gloat, rather, we tend to watch them from afar. And often the ex simply falls into the same cohort, the category of people "from a past life."
Indeed, if without the Internet your life after a break could pass like “two parallel lines that never intersect”, then today it is almost unrealistic, thanks to the ubiquitous social networks, each of us can get a clear picture of the new life of our old boyfriend with one click. But what pushes us to this click? (Why not just click on a Youtube video? Or a fashion magazine preview?). Why does this desire arise to constantly be aware of the lives of those who are not part of your own? And why is it so irresistible? What is it: a manifestation of neurosis? Undying love (TTT!)? Serpent jealousy? Or, God forbid, addiction?
The habit of following the life of an ex: a difficult curiosity
Psychologists say that the habit of following the life of the former in most cases means practically nothing - just curiosity. But still, this curiosity shows something, especially if you look at the ex's profile with unenviable regularity. First of all, this may be a sign that you need to compare yourself with others, past life with the present. In other words, you evaluate your life, your achievements, through the prism of other people's opinions, through the eyes of other people. Apparently, you are just used to positioning yourself in relation to others, and this habit also extends to an ex-boyfriend or even his current passion. And if the comparison (his life with your deeds, her appearance with yours) is not in your favor, naturally, you also experience painful envy or irritation. It's funny, but we need such comparisons mainly to develop a sense of self-confidence.
Often the habit of following the life of an ex on the Internet indicates that you are trying to understand (for yourself) how good your life is without him. Sometimes the habit of “peeping” into his profile from time to time is the only available way to find out if you are on the right track, if you miss your old relationship. And indeed, this helps many to answer the question, did this person give you more opportunities for happiness than loneliness or the one that is with you now?
In some cases, as psychologists note, the habit of following the former symbolizes a craving for hypercontrol - the desire to keep abreast of all events, including those that occur in someone else's life. However, it should be understood that this control is illusory and relative, because the information presented in social networks is often distorted - both during presentation and in the process of perception. Therefore, spying on the Web will not bring you anything positive, constructive and useful, you are just wasting your time. Although in some cases things can get worse...
The habit of following the life of the former: alarming symptoms
In rarer cases, spying on the ex's life turns into something like a mania - when checking profile pages and all traces of his presence on the network becomes part of the daily routine and eats up a lot of time. As the psychiatrist explains, even in this case, it is not a fatal passion that is to blame. The fact is that such checks are a manifestation of attempts to control: you need to control even that which has long gone out of your control zone.
Attempts to return him (no, not ex-control!) turn into informational bulimia: you just need to see his photo, know everything about everything, without filtering out the smallest trifles. This is how things go day after day, but one fine morning you notice that you are prioritizing information about your “ex” and not about you, your friends or loved ones. This is a signal of danger: banal espionage has turned into something more that threatens to turn into a mania or a fixed idea. And once you notice this symptom, it means that not everything is lost: just delete the addresses of his pages on social networks from your bookmarks and logs and let him return there only when you stop feeling the craving for viewing his profile and the thirst for new news about him. Until then - tie it up!
Are you endlessly interested in the former and monitor his new photos? Trying by hook or by crook to find out how his affairs are? Do you periodically remind yourself of yourself, although you yourself don’t understand why you need it? The desire to be aware of the personal life of an ex-boyfriend or ex-spouse makes you kill time and does not lead to anything good. So be patient and find out why you fell into an addiction in order to successfully get rid of it before it turns into a real mania. And the advice of a psychologist will tell you how to stop following your ex.
Reasons for this behavior
Concerns
If you are a typical girl with low self-esteem, it is not surprising that your attachment does not want to disappear. Admit it: it seems to you that no new relationships are expected anymore, and your ex turned out to be the only chance, and now you will remain useless to anyone.
When such thoughts live in your head, you have to cling to the past - so you are watching the departed love on the sly, somewhere in the depths of your soul cherishing the thought that everything is possible to return. In general, you look for secret signs on his pages in social networks that could become proof of your conjectures, you track the right moment to remind you of yourself.
Lack of interesting events in life
The cause of manic behavior may be banal boredom. You lived together, received vivid emotions, there was always something to do, the cultural and entertainment program was scheduled by the hour. But suddenly everything was over and it became unclear what to do.
In the midst of despondency, you grab onto something that used to cheer you up, and this is your ex. However, now your life is brightened up by jealousy and adventurism - why not a variety for every day? Espionage is a “peppercorn” that helps to cope with longing, get a boost of energy and new sensations.
Suppressed desire for revenge
Was your breakup not pleasant? Everything happened on his initiative? Did he find a replacement for you? Of course, you have a good reason to hold a grudge against him. As a well-mannered or fearful person, you do nothing, but you still hope that the offender will be punished by higher powers. So you sit like an owl on the pages of the former, enthusiastically waiting for failures to befall him: the girl will turn out to be a dummy, friends will leave, and her career will fail.
possessive jealousy
It is possible that a black feeling of jealousy gnaws at you. Because of this, you endlessly follow the fate of the former in order to compare yourself with his new passions. You look and understand: it would be better for him with you, well, let him suffer!
Nothing escapes your critical eye. Where they go, how she dresses, what he gives her - everything is subject to revision, and no matter how wonderful reality is, you will definitely conclude that new girl the former is completely unworthy of him, but they live so-so. Possessiveness speaks in you, which means you have not yet let go of the past.
Unwillingness to lose a person
While you are aware of everything that happens with your departed lover, the illusion appears that you did not part at all. This is the norm if several weeks have passed after the break, a maximum of a couple of months. But when this behavior is observed after a year or more, you definitely want to return it.
Probably, you are hoping to resume the broken connection, or you subconsciously want to figure out who is to blame for the breakup of the couple. For you, this issue is still not closed - it gnaws from the inside every day, although the former has already found a new passion and lives happily ever after.
The usual interest in the enemy
According to sociologists, people tend not only to monitor the events of their comrades - they no less want to know what is happening with their enemies. For the sake of this, a person is ready to transfer unpleasant acquaintances to him in a group of friends in social networks and see their updates in the feed.
There is nothing shameful in such espionage; abroad, they even gave it a separate designation “shadenfriending”, which is simply understood as “gloating”. Watching your ex moaning or complaining on the Internet, you can experience exactly this emotion, which is a normal human feeling.
The real mania
Sometimes the usual surveillance of the former develops into something more and becomes an alarming symptom. Fortunately, this happens very rarely, so you do not necessarily have this particular disorder. As psychologists explain, when tracking the life of the deceased young man becomes part of everyday "duties" and takes many hours, it's not fatal passion that's to blame.
AT this case you're trying to regain lost control. Yes, it was control, not the boyfriend himself. You want to know something that has long been lost from your area of interest. Information bulimia appears out of nowhere: at first you just spy on a person, and then you definitely need to see his photo, know all the events to the smallest detail. This goes on for a long time, and suddenly you find yourself paying more attention to this, and not to the lives of your loved ones and friends. 
How to quit surveillance?
Reflect on your own actions
To begin with, answer the following questions for yourself personally: “What am I striving for?”, “What do I want to achieve?”, “Why do I need this?”. Understand that your behavior is humiliating and it's time to take responsibility for your actions and thoughts. Whatever your reasons for being in the know about your ex, you can't make him come back. Therefore, overcome yourself: live cheerfully and brightly, strive for new relationships, avoid excess stress and unjustified suffering. By stopping thinking about the past, you will finally become truly happy!
Get rid of any reminders
Feel free to erase joint photos, ruthlessly remove an unnecessary number from your notebooks, cruelly delete your ex from contacts in all social networks, communicate less with his friends, and then everything will be fine with you. By destroying any threads that connect you with old feelings, you can more easily concentrate on something more important.
love yourself
Take up new hobbies, useful, developing things: take up the study of any foreign language, read literature, focus on hobbies, devote maximum time to work and everything that is connected with you. So you simply won’t have a single minute left for surveillance, and the former will fade into the background.
Get rid of jealousy
If jealousy devours you, again direct this energy in the right direction, make it the main incentive for self-improvement. Does your last boyfriend or spouse's latest crush look super stylish? Accumulate enough money and outdo it in this one. Is the rival slender, like a quivering doe? Do not suffer in front of other people's photos, but do fitness. Is she smart and educated? Go to courses, get new knowledge, change your profession. Such activity will help you rise in your own eyes. In terms of life achievements, you will be higher than your ex and one fine morning you will understand: he is not worthy of you.
Don't settle for being friends
Forget about correctness, take pity on yourself and generally stop communicating with the departed young man, no matter how good a friend he turns out to be. After all, if it gives you great stress, why torture yourself?
Just stop following
Pull yourself together already: not doing something is easier than doing it. So why don't you enjoy your free time away from the source of your annoyance? Show, finally, willpower. 
