Among infertile couples in Russia, about 15% require the help of a surrogate mother. Without it, the spouses’ biological child simply cannot be born. There are quite a few reasons for this - congenital and acquired anomalies of the uterus, vagina, serious chronic illnesses that are incompatible with pregnancy and childbirth, age. Also, surrogacy can be useful for single men who dream of fatherhood, and single women suffering from total infertility. The main question is where to find someone who can bear, give birth and give away someone else’s child, and what kind of reward she can demand. In this article we will talk about this in more detail.
Where to look?
In Russia, legislation does not limit the circle of persons who can become surrogate mothers. The only restrictions are dictated by the Ministry of Health - these are strict requirements for the health of the candidate, the presence of her own children, etc. In some countries, for example, in Israel, it is legally prohibited to choose a surrogate mother from among relatives. There is no such ban in our country. Therefore, the question of where to look for a woman who can bear your child can be answered like this:
- by friends and relatives (any relative of reproductive age will do);
- through specialized reproductive agencies;
- in a clinic where an infertile woman is being observed;
- through the Internet.
Searching on your own will help you save money and find a reliable person you trust without intermediaries.
However, remember that this coin has a flip side - after the birth of a child, you are unlikely to want to see this relative or friend visiting you, the relationship will deteriorate. This, alas, is inevitable.
Searching on the Internet seems tempting and quite easy, because the query “find a surrogate mother” will certainly open up a large number of forums and advertisements. Good and trusted gestational couriers (this is the official name for surrogate mothers according to the WHO recommendation) themselves do not want to become victims of scammers, and therefore they usually do not post their offer on the Internet.
But on the Internet you will find a huge number of women who, even tomorrow, are ready to provide you with fake medical certificates about the state of their health, just to quickly receive an advance payment from their biological parents for their services.
Several types of scams thrive on the Internet. Someone declares himself a mediator. He meets you in reality, introduces you to a pretty and modest lady, who, of course, has all the certificates and documents. But here’s the problem: several certificates turn out to be expired. They take your money for a new examination and disappear. Typically, such “intermediaries” from the Internet deceive several couples, after which they change their phone numbers and again volunteer to act as intermediaries under a new name.
Another scheme is that a potential candidate herself gets in touch, asks to send her money for travel to your city, for example, from another point in Russia or even from the CIS countries, and then simply disappears. Some people purposefully do not want to get pregnant, even after signing an agreement with the “customers”. Neither doctors nor biological parents in this case will understand why several IVF attempts were not successful. In the meantime, the woman will take hormonal drugs that will prevent pregnancy from occurring, and at each attempt, demand another advance payment from the biological parents.
The most reliable, but less economical search is through reproductive agencies and clinics. Almost every large clinic that provides IVF and other types of assisted reproductive techniques has a personal register of gestational couriers. In reproductive agencies, surrogacy registries are more extensive; all candidates undergo a complete medical examination, receive an opinion from a psychiatrist, narcologist, geneticist, and also provide all the documents needed to participate in the program. Only after checking them, agency legal advisers make a decision on whether a gestational courier is allowed to participate in the program.
Of course, no agency, no clinic can 100% guarantee that there will be no problems with the surrogate mother recommended by them at one stage or another, but the likelihood of a successful search in this situation is much higher.
In addition to consultation, lawyers will help draw up the correct agreement between the “customers” and the “performer”, which will be completely legitimate and will also take into account the interests of all parties.
Requirements for the candidate
The requirements, as already mentioned, are clearly outlined by Order of the Ministry of Health No. 107-n, which regulates the procedure for providing assisted reproductive medical care to the Russian population. But future biological parents should navigate this issue no worse than the officials of the Ministry of Health, because we are talking about the health of their future and such a long-awaited baby.
Here are the basic requirements that a woman who intends to bear a baby for strangers must meet:
- Age. The ideal age is considered to be the age of highest reproductive activity - from 20 to 35 years.
- Having a child. It plays a role how your child was conceived, whether this conception was natural. The method of delivery is also important. If the candidate had C-section, she won’t be able to be a gestational courier.
- Family status. If a potential candidate is married, be sure to ask her for her husband’s notarized consent for his wife to participate in the IVF program as a surrogate. If the candidate is divorced or lives in civil marriage, such a document is not needed.
- Health status. A detailed list of tests and medical specialists is available in your clinic or in Order of the Ministry of Health No. 107-n. In addition to many tests, a woman is required to provide certificates from a psychiatrist and a narcologist, while the psychiatrist makes a separate conclusion about sanity.
- Genetic clearance. A geneticist will make a conclusion about a woman’s health at the genetic level. Her oocytes will not be used for IVF, this is prohibited by law in Russia, but a genetic conclusion is important in order to exclude some hereditary diseases in the woman herself, because they can appear during pregnancy.
- No criminal record. A woman who declares her intention to bear your child must have a valid certificate of no criminal record, and also that this moment she is not a suspect and is not under investigation.
You can try to find a surrogate mother in Ukraine or Belarus, where their services are cheaper, but the requirements set by the Ministries of Health of these states may differ. Therefore, most Russian clinics try to cooperate only with ladies who have Russian citizenship. If this issue is of fundamental importance to you, ask for confirmation - a Russian passport, SNILS.
Pay attention to the personality - how intellectually developed the woman is, does she have bad habits how obligatory it is. This will help you understand how she will approach her responsibilities, because carrying someone else’s child is real work. You need to follow a certain regimen, take vitamins, eat right, don’t drink or smoke, and visit the doctor on time.
Also pay attention to the build. Fat women and women with obvious obesity will have a harder time carrying pregnancy, and dangerous complications may develop, for example, gestosis. As a result, the child will suffer, and he will be yours, relatives by blood and genes. It is important that the biological mother has the same Rh blood factors if we are talking about positive Rh.
It is better not to consider women with negative Rh as candidates for gestational couriers in order to avoid the development of Rh conflict during pregnancy.
Risks and dangers
If biological parents would like to limit communication with a woman they do not know during pregnancy, they can use the service of a curator - the clinic or reproductive agency will identify an intermediary - a person who will monitor the fulfillment of the terms of the contract by both parties.
Biological parents must reasonably control the entire pregnancy process, pay a monthly allowance for the surrogate mother, and also bear all the costs of buying food, renting an apartment during pregnancy, buying clothes for her, vitamins and everything that the attending physician prescribes.
Be careful - there are gestational couriers who may begin to blackmail you with an abortion if you do not agree, for example, to buy them an apartment or increase the amount of the fee that is already included in the contract by agreement of the parties.
Price
Surrogate mother services are expensive. On average in Russia, the contract price starts from 800-900 thousand rubles and can exceed 3 million, it all depends on the region and the standard of living in it. This is the cost of childbirth only. For 9 months you will have to fork out for monthly payments, a kind of “salary” for the surrogate mother - from 15 to 50 thousand. Plus all associated expenses (renting an apartment, food, trips to a sanatorium or a trip to a spa treatment).
You should prepare in advance for the fact that the pregnancy will be managed in a private clinic, where everything will be paid. Paying medical bills is also the responsibility of the biological parents. If a surrogate mother comes from a neighboring state, you will need to take care of temporary registration for her in our country.
Experienced surrogate mothers (already having experience of successful maternity contracts) cost much more than “newbies” because they are more predictable.
A woman gestational courier has the right to estimate the amount of her fee independently; no law regulates the amount of payment. Everything will depend on the candidate’s requests and the couple’s ability to satisfy these requests.
Having clarified the price, checking the documents and certificates of the candidate who was found, biological parents should check her against the existing “black lists” on special Internet resources dedicated to surrogacy. Gestational couriers and scammers who disguise themselves as them sooner or later come to the attention and their names end up on lists. Advantages and disadvantages
How to find a surrogate mother? The life and health of the baby you trust her to carry often depends on the successful choice of the surrogate mother. Therefore, its search must be taken with full responsibility.
Where to look for a surrogate mother
. Among relatives and friends
This is the most popular option in the world: most often sisters, mothers and close friends of childless parents become surrogate mothers. The Council of Europe recommends turning to relatives first, because they are driven by altruism and a sincere desire to help, and not by material interest.
Pros:
Significantly cheaper than hiring an outside woman.
You know the candidate well, and the possibility of deception on her part is practically excluded.
Minuses:
Fear of undermining the health of a loved one through pregnancy and childbirth.
And among the relatives there may be unreliable individuals who are irresponsible about the health of the pregnant baby.
The risk of upsetting the relationship if any difficulties or misunderstandings arise.
. By advertisements in newspapers and the Internet, directly or through private intermediaries
This is also a fairly common method, especially among those who are looking for a cheaper surrogate mother.
Pros:
You can find really cheap options.
Large selection of candidates.
Minuses:
Extremely unreliable, high risk of running into scammers or simply irresponsible people. Stories about how such surrogate mothers “from the outside” threatened to have an abortion if her remuneration was not increased, did not follow the prescribed regimen, or simply did not show up on the appointed day for embryo transfer are not uncommon. Therefore, on parent forums and websites of companies involved in organizing surrogacy, there are “black lists” - which of the surrogate mothers and intermediaries failed or deceived customers.
Legal vulnerability of the parties if the contract is drawn up incorrectly or not drawn up at all.
. Through specialized agencies and law firms
Minuses:
Significantly more expensive than the self-search option. Search services and commissions are added to the cost of examinations and IVF.
Pros:
Serious companies have a database of those who want and can, by law and health reasons, become surrogate mother. You can choose from dozens of candidates.
Competent execution of the contract, which spells out all the options for the development of events and mutual obligations, the final amount that you will have to pay. If any problems arise, the contract will become a serious argument in court.
As a consequence of the previous point, the chance of running into scammers is noticeably lower.
Law firms that help implement the surrogacy program, as a rule, maintain contacts with clinics where the surrogate mother can undergo all examinations and undergo IVF.
The above applies to large and well-known companies. Small firms offering intermediary services can either help you find a child or extract nerves and money from customers without guaranteeing results. Therefore, carefully study reviews about them before applying for services.
What to look for when choosing a surrogate mother
Whatever information you receive in absentia about a candidate surrogate mother, try to meet her in person before you enter into an agreement. Ask her to show her documents: passport, marriage and birth certificates, health certificates that she already has. Original official papers will significantly reduce the chance that a fraudster has come to you and will confirm that she is legally eligible for surrogacy.
Ask her about the reasons why she decided to become a surrogate mother. Ask for consent to have her mental state assessed by specialists - pregnancy and childbirth greatly influence a woman, and you need to be sure that she is mentally prepared enough to provide you with such a specific service and not regret her decision, that this is her conscious choice.
Discuss her family circumstances, how her loved ones feel about the decision to become a surrogate mother: you need to understand how fully she can devote herself to bearing your child and whether her family will interfere with this. Find out were there any problems in her previous pregnancies? whether the children were born healthy.
Previously discuss mutual requirements and willingness to carry them out, reward for participation in the program and for the fact of the birth of the baby. It is better to conduct this conversation in the presence of a lawyer so that he can immediately comment on the legality of the conditions being put forward. Later they will be spelled out in the official contract.
Before making your final choice, try to talk to several candidates so you can compare them. Guided by logic, do not forget to listen to your own intuition - causeless anxiety, hostility should alert you, take a closer look at the potential surrogate mother.
Some children, mostly girls, when they become adults, are eager to find a man for their mother. There are several factors for this. From a feeling of guilt - when a child realizes that he was the reason that his beloved mother did not marry after breaking up with his father or his death. To a simple and understandable desire to help the parent. However, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. This will also be discussed in this article. But first, to the point: how to find a good man for your mother.
Where are the right men to be found?
The peculiarity of searching for a husband or a “civilian” life partner for the most loved one is that one has to engage in mediation or even pimping. In our society there are professional matchmakers who successfully assist in the selection the right men. But the daughters do not have much experience in this matter, and besides, they have their own unprofessional ideas about dating.
If a goal is set, it must be achieved. Where can a mother find a suitable husband? Nowadays, the good and lonely half of humanity meets people online on special sites.
On dating sites, men and women hide behind masks (photo used under the standard depositphotos license for the site and channel “Love Effect”)
Resources for Finding Love
A lot of them. It probably doesn’t make sense to mention any specific names. Dating sites include: social media, chats and applications. A mother can access one of these resources on her own, without the help of her daughter. But situations are different.
For example:
- Mom is not friendly with the Internet, does not understand and does not know how to look for a spouse on websites;
- Adult daughters are not always a match for a parent near retirement age who is passionate about housework and television series. There are also younger than mom, left alone. They are friends with the Internet, but they don’t have enough time for it.
When it comes to finding a dating site, it is better to choose those where you can chat for free. Unfortunately, there are fewer and fewer of them. Only on social networks can you now search for partners for free. But their functionality is not “tailored” for this purpose. Don't be afraid of having to register on the site - you only need to spend a few minutes.
After selecting a platform in order to meet a man, a loving daughter should move on to the following:
- Complete a questionnaire or personal page for your mother. Select and upload the best photos.
- Find the nicest men.
- Strike up a conversation with them.
Next, you can pass the initiative to your mother, who will begin to communicate with candidates for her hand and heart on her own. If your dearest mother is not very computer friendly, you can help her, but only in technical matters.
The most difficult thing is to select suitable candidates and understand what each of them represents.
Search among friends
Usually the social circle of people is limited to a certain age. Few people have friends a couple of decades older or younger. But here you should pay attention:
- on work colleagues. There may be an interesting and free man in the team. It's great if he's also rich. Although this is not the most important thing;
- on the neighbors. It happens that an excellent candidate lives in the entrance or in the neighboring house.
Of course, approach such a man with the question: “Would you like to meet my mother?” not worth it. You can just come up with something. For example, if a person knows about plumbing, ask him to fix the faucet in the house. By the appointed time, you need to invite your mother to visit. There is an approach in any situation, you just have to think carefully and take into account the specific circumstances.
You can also “enter into a conspiracy,” for example, with a friend who has a free, interesting, easy-to-communicate relative. In this case, you will arrange the date together.
The main thing is that the process itself does not overshadow the goal - meeting an interesting man.
Mom needs a rest
An excellent option is to send mom alone to a resort or sanatorium. You need to choose a place where free men of her age come willingly and in large numbers. There is a danger that a holiday romance will happen and remain so, nothing more. There will be romantic dates and meetings, most likely without continuation.
Therefore, you can buy a ticket to a sanatorium not far from the city where your mother lives.
Then the chances of continuing the “love story” will increase significantly. As a last resort, if nothing works out, your mother will simply have a good rest at your expense and will be very grateful.
You can independently come up with options for organizing acquaintance. For example, purchase a membership to a fitness club for your mother, where classes are taught by an elderly, but smart and interesting instructor.
Beware of men!
If the partner you want to marry your mother to is a relative of a friend or your neighbor, you probably know a lot about him. The main thing is to find out why he has a free status when he is an “adult”. On a dating site, this is not always easy to understand. Your task is to find out everything on the topic in order to weed out the candidate or add him to the list of favorites.
Possible types of men:
- Convinced bachelor. Why has he still not found a life partner? First, the candidate may be too shy or unattractive. Unfortunately, complexes often doom both men and women to loneliness. It is quite possible to make acquaintances with such people if you are not afraid of old seasoned cockroaches. But it is advisable to find out the reason why a man does not want to get married. Perhaps he simply acts on the principle of “pick it up and throw it away.” Such an individual is in constant search and loves open relationships.
- Divorced man. There are two options: either he decided to leave the family to start looking for adventure, or something didn’t work out in the relationship. The last case is quite working. It didn’t work out with one doesn’t mean it won’t work out with the other.
- Widower. We think this is very a good option for acquaintance. Provided that the man has “let go” of his former love.
If you are looking for a partner for your mother “in real life”, it is worth making inquiries about him. There is no need to conduct a door-to-door survey, but forming an opinion is a must. On a dating site you can ask a man direct questions. The person will either answer frankly or come up with “excuses,” which will serve as a signal. The “client” must be placed at the disposal of your most beloved and dear woman when everything is clear with him.
Is it worth looking for a man for your mother?
Very important question. Many people believe that every person is the architect of his own happiness. If mom needs it, she will find a worthy candidate herself. There is also the opposite opinion: parents need help, including in matters of the heart.
In principle, it’s worth trying to find a man for your mother, but only if a number of conditions are met:
- A woman needs a strong man's shoulder.
- For certain reasons, a mother cannot deal with the issue of finding a partner on her own.
- You know well the tastes of your parent and, even more so, the characteristics of her character. After all, not only a man should be suitable for a woman, but also a lady should be suitable for a gentleman.
If the conditions are not met, there is no need to waste time and engage in “amateur activities”. Most likely, this will not lead to anything good, but who knows. Everyone can find love unexpectedly or at the wrong time. Go for it!
Share your ideas on how to arrange your mom’s personal life in the comments.
How to find your mother, if contact with her was lost? We know how to find your birth mother and help you reconnect with her. For what reasons does it happen that mothers disappear from the lives of their children, we list the most common ones:
- The mother abandoned the child in the maternity hospital and wrote a refusal form;
- The child was adopted and raised in a foster family;
- The mother was deprived of parental rights and then disappeared from the life of the child or children;
- She separated from her husband, the child or children remained to live with their father, and she left in an unknown direction.
No matter what happens, we know how to help you. If you want to find your mother, find out the country and address of her residence, in this case, use the order button, write to us what you know about your mother, what information you have. We will review your application and respond as soon as possible.
Our agency searches for people on a paid basis, we find missing people quickly. You don't have to wait several months or years, we will find the right person within a few weeks.
People spend YEARS of time and energy on fruitless searches instead of entrusting them to professionals. By contacting us and ordering a service, you will put your money to good use and gain the most important thing - you will find the person you have been looking for for so long.
From our own experience, we can say that looking for women is not an easy task, they get married, change their last names, some change their last names several times during their lives, and this circumstance only complicates the search. But in any case, we are ready to begin searching for a person even with a limited amount of information about him.
We will help you find your mother if you have lost her.
We will help you find your mother if she abandoned you immediately in the maternity hospital and you were brought up in a boarding school or orphanage. Unfortunately, this is a sad fact; since the collapse of the Soviet Union, a lot of abandoned children have appeared in our countries. Some of them were adopted into foster families, some abroad to America or Europe, and some were not so lucky and were raised in orphanages. And now these children (regardless of where they were raised) want to find their biological parents, find their mother, find their father and relatives.
A lot of people brought up in orphanages come to us and are looking for their mother. We are very sorry that such circumstances have developed in the lives of these people, but believe me, those biological mothers whom we find and communicate with very much regret their actions. Many of them want to find their children, find out something about them, return them to the family, restore communication and trust.
These women are in great pain and very sorry for what they did. They are also looking for you and want to find you. And when we come to these women, we bring news, letters, photographs from you, they are happy, they are glad to know that you are alive, healthy and everything is fine with you.
If you are adopted, we provide the opportunity to find your mother in any CIS country, but the search will take longer. If necessary, we can meet this woman in person, ask her questions, get her photos and videos.
Quite often you see information that a person has disappeared. Yes, it’s sad, but most often we just pass by such messages on the street. But this is not correct. Stop for a second, look at the photo, what if you really saw this person somewhere nearby? But, if you think about it, a similar situation could happen to you, God forbid, of course. Think about the fact that lost people are someone's relatives, mom, dad, grandson, brother, and so on.
If mom didn't come back on time
How to find your mother if she suddenly left and did not return as she promised? Yes, the situation is terrible. Just imagine, the child is alone at home, and his mother is still not there. What to do in such a situation, where to turn for help? Firstly, you need to calm down, in case she just lingered a little somewhere and will return a little later. If you have her phone number, then just call it. If no one answers calls and all deadlines have already passed, then you can go searching. It is quite difficult to cope with such a situation alone, so it is advisable to involve friends, relatives, dad, grandmother and others to help.
Independent search
The police are searching for missing people. But how to find the mother if the application is accepted there only on the third day from the date of the person’s disappearance. Therefore, you should not give up trying to find your mother, let the police do their job, and you make every effort. Agree that you can call all hospitals, morgues, girlfriends, acquaintances, because what more people involved in the search, the greater the chance of finding a lost person. You can go to television and place a missing person’s notice there, which includes a photo, detailed description and contact numbers. I think that past the leaflets with the title - help me find my mother! - it will be very difficult to pass. Social networks are also very popular now. I think many of you paid attention to the posted statuses and announcements about the disappearance of this or that person. Why don't you use this method too?
Don't lose hope
Remember that you should never despair and lose hope, remember that there is so much around good people who are ready to help you. Believe in the best and everything will be fine. Remember that you are not alone, because there are so many children in the country who live in orphanages, who have not seen their mother at all, and for every holiday they make only one wish - I want to find my mother. These children have a very small chance of finding their own family and mother. Yes, there are situations when there are good adoptive parents, but this happens so rarely. If parents decide to adopt, they choose babies who are still very small and do not know about their difficult fate. Therefore, many remain until adulthood to live in an orphanage, and then begin to search for their dear mother. And there are times when the mother is there, but most often she has another family, children and this child she just doesn't need it. Which is very difficult and difficult to understand. Therefore, before looking for your birth mother, it is worth thinking about how you will react to the fact that she did not need you before and even more so now.
There are so many lost people in our country. Moreover, you don’t always need to go somewhere or get lost. Many mothers get lost in their apartment, drinking alcohol and drugs. These mothers are lost to their children. Such children remain orphans with living parents. It is unfortunate that such situations are occurring more and more often in our lives. It’s good if schools and guardianship authorities don’t pass by and take care of such families and try to help. Let's be a little more attentive to the people around us. Look at how your neighbors live, think, what if the neighbor’s children really need your help. Let's be kinder to each other and to the people around us. Then the world will be at least a little better. But this is already a big victory.
