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“I look at my mother and see a tired, irritated woman who is constantly waiting for an attack and at the same time demands love,” admits 30-year-old Tatyana. - I'm afraid of becoming like this. Especially when I notice that I talk to children in the same dissatisfied tone.”
We are like our parents. “The similarity is inevitable,” says family psychotherapist Elena Ulitova. “It is partly in the genes, partly resulting from upbringing and imitation.” But we treat this similarity differently.
“If we like, for example, our smile, then the fact that it looks like our mother’s is unlikely to cause rejection,” continues the psychotherapist. “But if we don’t like our tone of conversation with our children, we will be even more unhappy if we notice that it is similar to our mother’s tone.”
Let's look at the main reasons for this fear.
"I only want to be myself"
We all have an unconscious need to separate ourselves from our parents for the sake of affirming our own “I”. The need for self-affirmation is often realized in the form of protest. We rebel against our parents' lifestyle and against themselves.
“If such a confrontation could not take place in adolescence(for example, the parents were too vulnerable or, on the contrary, authoritarian), it arises later, explains psychoanalyst Brigitte Allain-Dupré. “Sometimes it takes the form of open competition with parents (“I’m better than you”) or remains hidden and manifests itself in a reluctance to be like them.”
Rejection of resemblance to one of the parents is the fear of not becoming oneself. For a woman, this fear is stronger because of the premonition that she is called upon to repeat her mother’s fate
Rejection of one's resemblance to one of the parents means in this case the fear of not becoming fully oneself.
For a woman, this fear is stronger because of the premonition that she is called to repeat her mother’s fate - the girl is told very early that she will become a mother in the future. A contradiction arises: the script is known, but we need our own role. And we are trying to become as different as possible from the previous “performer”.
“If a mother looks at her daughter as her continuation - she expects her to fulfill her dreams, demands that her instructions be followed, then it is difficult for the daughter to treat herself as an independent person,” continues the psychoanalyst. “She will feel that she has been deprived of her freedom of choice.” When we catch ourselves in similarities, we feel that something is happening to us that we cannot resist. We are like a computer that performs given actions in accordance with the program embedded in it. Our passivity can be depressing.”
"I see myself as old"
Common character traits and physical similarities lead to the fact that, looking at her mother, a woman understands: one day I will be as old as she is now. It is difficult to be enthusiastic about age in a society where old age is devalued.
To the child, the mother seems powerful and eternal; it seems to him that she has always been and always will be. But now we discern new wrinkles on the mother’s face, we see her vulnerability. We realize that we are facing the same path, and we are afraid of our likely future. The questions we face are: will we be better? Worse? How will we experience our own aging?
How to deal with this fear?
1. Accept her as a person
We are disappointed by the imperfections of our parents, which we begin to notice in adolescence. As we get older, we realize that no one is perfect, and we get the opportunity to see in our parents real people, which have both strengths and weaknesses. We can accept a mother not only in her maternal role, but also as another person, somewhat different from us. We can also accept ourselves - as we have become, in some ways following her example, and in others starting from it. Are we more considerate and generous than she is? If so, you can try to forgive your mother’s shortcomings.
2. Regain your freedom of choice We inherited a lot from our parents. Ideas about the world, skills and habits, but also fears, prejudices, and sometimes curses... yes, now it is ours. But we don’t have to carry on with everything indiscriminately! Take only what suits you. It's not about rejecting everything outright, but about taking responsibility for your choices. And become an adult.
3. Understand parental history
If you feel like a prisoner of history or personality, reflect and make a note, for example: “My mother is aggressive.” Then find anything that counters that thought, for example: “Her mother was depressed and received little attention.” The point is not to justify it, but to move away from a preconceived point of view that causes a painful response in you.
Question to a psychologist:
My parents raised me as a “modest Armenian girl.” My mother did most of the upbringing. I was most afraid of the misdeeds of her anger, apparently because none of the “adults” protected me at such moments. Most of all, my mother beat me for lying (although I couldn’t understand why lying is bad, but all adults do this), because I did something without asking her (this was later in life, there was an incident, due to the fact that I pierced my tongue without permission).
In general, at the age of 23, I grew up to be a two-faced person: a smart, excellent student, with a law degree, who, when going out, can afford to have sex with the first guy she likes.
Mom always set strict time limits: “home at 9 pm.” Even when, after my parents’ divorce and division of the apartment, my mother stayed with my older brother because he is “an uncontrollable person and a drug addict,” and I stayed with my father because “I have influence over my father to control the amount of alcohol he consumes,” it’s still the same. My mother’s influence was so serious for me that I had to lie a lot, and to many people, so as not to arouse suspicion that I was out at a late hour.
I have been living separately from my mother for 4 years. I have a stable job and am independent from my parents. IN Last year I began to report every step to my mother less and less, I often began to spend the night with friends without telling her about it (in general, I decided that I myself should be responsible for myself and choose my own future, even if in some places it does not correspond to the traditions of the Armenian family ). Scandals began on the phone and I quarreled with both my father and mother.
It always seemed to me that I am the result of my parents’ upbringing, and accordingly, they shouldn’t blame anyone but themselves for the fact that I stepped over a lot of “empty” “NO’s”. My parents, ignoring my thoughts, considered me a disgrace to the family.
But it seems to me that the whole problem is this: after a quarrel with my mother, there could always be a calm, which turned into another storm planned by her, and I, without coming home to spend the night, the next night was sure that my mother was about to burst in and there will be a scandal with beatings and insults. Anxiety turned into panic within a couple of hours, and panic into paranoia, possibly even with auditory hallucinations. But no one came, and as you know, “the expectation of death is worse than death itself.” The question is: how can I stop being afraid to make independent decisions and at the same time be ready to take responsibility for my choice?
Psychologist Elina Aleksandrovna Dvoretskaya answers the question.
Hello Arpinka!
Everything you described is very typical of dependent relationships.
You write that you constantly lie. But this is quite natural, given the conditions in which you lived and live now. That is, I mean the mother’s excessive strictness in childhood, and, as I understand it, the father’s craving for alcohol. All this leads to a disturbance in the mental state of children, and, accordingly, keeps the child in constant tension, which leads to lies. In addition, you are now being used as a “stabilizer” that can curb your father’s appetite for alcohol. Don't you feel that way? The result of such an atmosphere is a decrease in self-esteem, numerous complexes and difficult adaptation in life.
You have not lived with your mother for 4 years, but psychologically you are very dependent on her. It is very good that you have a stable job and are not financially dependent on your parents. But you still need to learn to say “no” without feeling guilty. You need to increase your comfort zone, relieve anxiety, restlessness, build your boundaries, and not let anyone cross them. Decide on your priorities and learn to give up everything unnecessary that contradicts them. And all this is quite possible to do.
How to get rid of the fear of your mother's reaction? Answer yourself the question: “Is it very important to you what your parents think of you?” The fear will go away as you realize that you are an individual and not a victim of your parents. And if you are afraid that your mother may burst into your room at any moment and start a scandal, you have every right to change your place of residence without informing her about it. This is not at all a break in relations with the mother. This is protecting your borders. And you will carry the love and care for your mother with you throughout your life.
