Fear of betrayal and its typical manifestations. The article will discuss how to identify such a mental anomaly in yourself and destroy the problem at its root.

The content of the article:

Fear of betrayal is a specific feeling that, despite its apparent harmlessness, can significantly ruin the life of insecure people. IN in this case the chosen one is sometimes an exemplary family man, but his significant other is constantly afraid of betrayal on his part. With this model of behavior, it is possible to completely ruin the relationship with your partner, so it is necessary to understand the reasons for the emergence of such fear.

What is fear of betrayal

Jealousy can arise even at the sight of a partner who is enthusiastically communicating with an attractive member of the opposite sex. Mistrust is usually based on an initial suspicion of everything that happens in married couple and beyond.

Jealousy in small doses is even acceptable, because it allows you to fuel the passion of two loving hearts for each other. However, if we are already talking about paranoid thoughts about the obligatory betrayal of a loved one when his behavior is very exemplary, then we can diagnose such a thing as fear of betrayal.

It is activated even in situations where a loved one is close to a potential jealous person 24 hours a day and is tightly controlled by him.

Causes of fear of betrayal

• Diffidence. Not all men and women deep down consider themselves individuals who always remain above competition. Some people begin to get nervous about possible betrayal on the part of their significant other literally out of the blue. The fear of betrayal in such individuals is formed on the basis of some complexes that are created thanks to their own imagination or through rumors from “well-wishers”.
• Problems in childhood. Fear of betrayal may arise in an adult if his parents divorced in the past. Not all children perceive this process painlessly, because for them the collapse of the family is a fairly significant psychological trauma. Such mania sometimes also develops due to the lack of a sense of security in a child or teenager.
• Bad experience in the past. When analyzing interpersonal relationships Few couples can boast that their marriage was originally based on mutual trust. If one of the partners did not have a love story in the past due to the fact of betrayal on the part of the other half, then the fear of repeating the bitter experience can become an obsession.
• The presence of infidelity in a couple. A similar reason for the occurrence of the described mania further aggravates the fear of betrayal from loved one. You can also understand the betrayal of a spouse with whom you no longer maintain any relationship. Accepting the fact of the existence of an interest on the side in an existing marriage is given to a fairly small number of people. Even if a sinner who has repented is returned to his family, there is no guarantee that his adventures will not be repeated.
• Strange behavior of the spouse. In most cases, it may seem suspicious only to people who are insecure, who see a conspiracy in every action of those around them. The fear of betrayal will constantly haunt such persons, because they are not able to become happy due to far-fetched problems.
• Partner's overt flirting. Not every person will like the fact that his chosen one turned out to be a rather flighty person. There is a type of people who can stop at the stage of compliments and dirty jokes towards members of the opposite sex. However, for his significant other, even these half-hints of a desire to have fun on the side will be enough for him to develop a fear of potential betrayal in the future.
• Fear of betrayal in young mothers. A once stylish and self-confident beauty may lose her attractive figure to the male eye after giving birth. There is no need to be afraid of this, because everything has its time when regaining your figure after pregnancy. However, such common sense reasoning is not heard by all young mothers who develop a fear of betrayal on the part of their partner at the sight of more attractive potential rivals.
• Hormonal disbalance. During menopause, many ladies begin to react rather inadequately to quite ordinary things. Hormones can play a cruel joke on them, because during this period of life a woman often becomes suspicious and whiny.
• Threats from a partner. They can even be pronounced as a joke, which is clearly unsuccessful. Humor like “if you don’t take out the trash, I’ll go to a neighbor’s house” very often ends with a sad consequence in the form of the victim of such “gags” becoming afraid of betrayal at the slightest fault.

The main signs of fear of betrayal in a person

1. Tight control of the partner. Even if the spouse is stuck in the same traffic jam, then an immediate interrogation with pretentious speeches in the style of a prosecutor awaits him at home. After each word, “you don’t need to lie,” “who will confirm this,” or “come up with something more convincing” will be said. A victim of fear of betrayal is always actively searching for dirt on his partner. All his pockets are carefully checked several times a day. The phone number of a potential “cheater” is studied with such attention that a professional detective would envy. If the chosen one is out of touch for at least 5 minutes, then this can end very badly for him upon arrival home.
2. Regular tantrums. Particularly eccentric persons during this process may engage in breaking dishes to enhance the effect. educational event. The announced action is carried out according to schedule and with enviable consistency. With the fear of betrayal, insecure individuals can shed a huge amount of tears for one reason known to them and even enjoy such an activity.
3. Demonstrative self-pity. Loving yourself alone will not be a problem for most people who value themselves as individuals. However, in this obsessive state, pity is formed in a particularly active mode. In this case, the spouse is charged with taking from the victim of the described mania best years her life.
4. "Sound" arguments. With and in most cases without it, people with a fear of betrayal conduct a thorough investigation into the fact of possible betrayal. It is enough for them to receive “reliable” information from a retired neighbor who literally saw with her own eyes the fact of entertainment on the side of an unfaithful scoundrel. This gossip is quite suitable for an insecure person, who can then arrange a family evening with a stormy showdown between the spouses.
5. Strange questions. Some people are simply attacked by their significant other with similar attacks if they are obsessed with the fear of betrayal. This is done by bombarding the desired object with phrases like “do you love me?”, “you’re definitely not cheating on me” or “you don’t need anyone else but me.” At first, such increased interest in oneself can even be pleasant for the spouse. But this is only at the very initial stage of the described process, which ultimately turns into elementary whining and obsession.

Note! This behavior is not a problem exclusively for a person who experiences constant fear of betrayal. It affects the interests of his partner, who cannot feel comfortable in family life with this model of behavior.

Methods for dealing with the fear of betrayal

Psychologists strongly recommend that you definitely should not put up with this feeling. There are many ways to get rid of the fear of betrayal. In this case, it is not necessary to visit a specialist, because such mania can be eliminated by a doctor only in critical situations.

Advice from psychologists on getting rid of the fear of betrayal for women

• Self-realization. To prevent your thoughts from being occupied with unproductive plans and illusory doubts, you need to organize your leisure time with maximum benefit for your business. In this case, it is worth remembering that in a family, a partner rarely cheats on his significant other if he considers her to be an accomplished person. If the chosen one does not suffer from such a thing as sexual promiscuity, then he will never seek solace on the side in the presence of a beloved and respected wife.
• Taking care of your body. It is necessary to forget once and for all the excuse convenient for lazy people that my husband should love me in any form. He can admire and desire even a spouse who has stopped taking care of herself, but is it worth the risk? The fear of betrayal most often visits precisely those women who understand that there are many quite attractive people around her man. However, nothing prevents an insecure lady from pulling herself together and improving her appearance.
• Refusal of the ban on sex. By punishing her husband in this way, a woman punishes herself first and foremost. A man will find consolation on the side, but how his wife can then live with this fact is a big question. If you are afraid of your husband’s possible betrayal, it is not recommended to deny your loved one intimate intimacy without a significant reason.
• Prohibition on surveillance. Some women turn their personal lives into the animated series “The Koloboks Are Investigating.” This pattern of behavior can not only destroy trust in a married couple, but also lead to divorce in the future. The fear of betrayal should not guide the feelings and actions of the spouse, turning her from a loving and tender wife into a bloodhound.
• Conversation with friends in misfortune. No one will be surprised by the fact that ladies love to “wash” the bones of their acquaintances and their significant other in their leisure time. This event can be carried out even more effectively if you find like-minded people with a similar problem. If a woman has let off steam during such a conversation and realized that her fears are not an isolated incident, then she will not take it out on her spouse.

Advice from psychologists on eliminating the fear of betrayal for men

1. Increased self-esteem. Every man who loves and is loved by his chosen one must clearly analyze his strengths and weaknesses. If a woman chose this particular partner as her life partner, it means that she justified this for herself in a certain way. Therefore, a man who suffers from the fear of betrayal must work on himself in order to prove to his soulmate that her choice is correct.
2. Frank conversation with your partner. Women love with their ears, which representatives of the stronger sex should always understand. If there is fear about possible betrayal on her part, then you should clearly tell her about it. During a monologue that is important for a couple, it is necessary to clearly justify the voiced concern so that it does not look like a reaction to yet another gossip from ill-wishers. However, you should not turn a heart-to-heart conversation into a formal interrogation with bias towards your spouse.
3. Maximum trust. You won’t be nice by force, so if love has passed, then the woman can start looking for a new partner. If peace and tranquility reigns in the family, then there is no need to destroy the newfound happiness with artificial actions. Fear of betrayal is, first of all, disrespect for your partner if he does not give the slightest reason to doubt his sincerity.
4. Life one day. A man should think about the fact that the fear of betrayal by the woman he loves can completely poison his existence. You need to appreciate what you have this moment brings him peace and happiness. You should not aggravate the situation in the family if imaginary fears are solely a figment of the imagination of an insecure man.

Sexual infidelity among men in marriage is as common as it is psychologically traumatic. Numerous and reliable demographic studies of the last quarter of a century show: 74, and according to some data - 75% of husbands - residents of large cities - have had extra-marital sexual relations one or more times. I refer to data from studies conducted in Russian megacities by both domestic and foreign scientists. In Western European countries, these figures do not go beyond 50% - our Russian psychological culture with its lack of religious inhibitions, the cult of “macho” and the abundance of single women determines our absolute primacy in this area.
For many years I have been speaking at international conferences with reports and presentations on psychotherapeutic assistance to victims of sexual infidelity; and every time my colleagues - especially from English-speaking countries - ask me to confirm the statistics of adultery I give, perceiving the numbers mentioned with distrust. But what to do - the reliability of these figures has been proven by a variety of scientists...
When sexual infidelity became not only the subject of interest of writers, comedians, joke makers, etc., but also the object of serious scientific research, the emphasis shifted from the superficial psychological aspects of this phenomenon to the deeply psychological, psychophysiological and genetic aspects. The active interest of psychotherapists and sexologists in the problem of marital infidelity is caused by the role and significance of this phenomenon for mental health: women - after all, victims of infidelity make up 18 - 19% of all those who seek psychotherapeutic help. Infidelity is the second leading cause of female depression, the third leading cause of suicide and suicide attempts. And to create effective methods Psychotherapeutic assistance to victims of infidelity requires specialists to have a deep knowledge of this phenomenon.
Today we know that a man's sexual behavior is largely controlled by the so-called. The “infidelity genome”—more precisely, the genome that makes us have sexual intercourse with new women. Research over the last decade, primarily by Robin Baker's group, no longer leaves any doubt about this. Moreover, a very similar gene is supposed to be present in women; it works a little differently - strictly during the period of ovulation, for 8 - 10 days favorable for conception. And today, sexological science has revised the traditional ideas about marital fidelity of the fair sex: the “ovulation impulse” pushes our friends into short-term (and very vivid!) sexual contacts with unfamiliar partners, as a rule.
We also know that the stronger sex also expresses a desire for self-affirmation through new “conquests”, new “victories” over women. Expressed in our male character is sexual curiosity, interest in the structure of the female body, in the sexual behavior of the new woman. In the male community, in the male subculture, the experience of sexual communication, the number and quality of women you have are highly valued. The ideal of the male community is a man who does not run after skirts, but at any opportunity “will not miss his own.” Let's add to what has been said that large (and not very large) cities all over the world are overcrowded with single - mostly divorced - women, who for the most part are quite willing to have intimate relationships with a married man - for lack of free ones. In Moscow, for example, in 1964, according to sociological research, of 30-year-old single women, only less than 20% were ready for a relationship with a married man, and last year, 2003 (just 40 years later) - almost 80%. A study of 40-year-old single Muscovite women with higher education (divorced and unmarried), conducted in 1999 by a group of sociologists at the international company Pfizer, showed that almost 75% of them had sexual contacts with married men of different durations– from one-time to long-term novels.
These different cheaters
Among married men who enter into extramarital intimate relationships, researchers from different countries (Frank Pitman, Margaret LeRoy and others) distinguish - with some degree of convention - three main groups. The first group is the most numerous; husbands of this group have affairs with a frequency of once every two to three years, these affairs last an average duration of two to five months. In 90% of cases, these connections are carefully hidden and remain unknown to the wife (and if they become known to her, it is not through his fault). Their husbands are driven by the desire for self-affirmation, to have more and more women recognize their attractiveness. He remains on friendly terms with his partners in an affair; after the affair, his self-esteem increases significantly and he remains sexually faithful for a long time.
The second group is husbands in whose lives there are short-term, often one-time, extramarital sexual contacts, and not relationships at all, not “affairs on the side.” Such sexual contacts usually arise situationally: at parties, on business trips, on vacation. They are even less likely than in the first group to come into the light of day, except perhaps by accident or as a result of infection by a random partner.
The most malicious
Special attention psychotherapists are attracted to husbands of the third group, who throughout their married life, right up to old age, maintain sexual relationships with extramarital partners, essentially not hiding this from their wife, although they do not openly acknowledge this fact. For decades they have been meeting with the most different women, their connections have a very different duration: with someone - a year, with someone - two weeks, but in these connections there are practically no breaks, so characteristic of ordinary “traitors”. Experts are well aware that after a romantic extramarital relationship there comes both a feeling of satisfaction and the so-called “post-love asthenia” - tired of the feeling of love (after all, it requires a lot of emotional stress). These two psychological phenomena: satisfied self-love and post-romantic asthenia - make it impossible for most men to continuously be infatuated with “women on the side” and lead to long periods of monogamy in marriage, periods of family unity and cloudless happiness.
Why are the extramarital relationships of men of the third group so unique, why are there no “post-love exhaustion” in them, why do these husbands not give their wives any respite, keep them in a state of tension and depression, and do not psychologically return to the family? American researcher Anna Selter undertook a very complex study of extramarital partners of “malicious cheaters” and revealed two striking circumstances. Firstly, these partners often did not correspond to the social, educational and intellectual level of the “traitors” - in all these parameters they turned out to be significantly lower, whereas in “ordinary” novels men become attached to women of a similar socio-cultural stratum. Secondly, in these novels there was no passion or emotional uplift; for the vast majority these were smooth, ordinary sexual relationships. There were no sexual excesses (intensive intimate life at the beginning of the relationship), nor the desire to spend a lot of time with a friend - to go with her on the weekend, spend a vacation, or at least a night. Selter studied almost 200 “girlfriends” of these “cheaters” and found that most of them were sincerely surprised by the behavior of their partners. Unlike the novels of the first group, these were often finished by the mistress, disappointed by the insufficient emotional attitude towards herself.
Psychotherapists know well that sexual contacts of husbands from the first and second groups in no way imply a negative attitude towards their wife, or a desire to somehow hurt or offend her. As Frank Pitman aptly put it, “in affairs, we men solve our own problems in relationships with the fair sex in general, and not problems with our wives.” The wives themselves always believe that an extramarital relationship reflects some shortcomings of the marriage, that, as people say, “a husband does not cheat on a good wife,” “in a good marriage, husbands do not cheat.” The last statement is one of the most common myths about adultery, and it has nothing to do with the real state of affairs. In high-quality marital unions (where there is emotional closeness, trust, and good intimate relationships), the prevalence of sexual infidelity is the same as in bad, conflict-ridden married couples.
The research I want to talk about has confirmed the hypothesis: “malicious cheaters” maintain a sexual relationship primarily so that a man can function better in the intimate sphere. In those short intervals between two lovers, which do happen, his sexual activity is practically reduced to zero.
Sexual infidelity is also best way keep your wife “at a distance” and in a state of humiliation. To be friendly, caring, and affectionate with your wife, but at the same time regularly have sex with another woman once a week, especially without hiding it - this is sophisticated sadism, traumatizing the victim to a much greater extent than occasional “sex on the side.” “Malicious traitors” over the years life together have brought this process to the level of perfection: they never directly admit that there is another woman in their life, another sexual relationship, but they masterfully convey this fact to their wife. In words, categorically denying sexual infidelity, in other - non-verbal - ways they clearly “signal” about it.
Many experts, emphasizing their outward decency, call such husbands “hidden sexual aggressors.”
Why don't they copy?
The wives of husbands who systematically cheat on them, who came to see me, ask approximately the same questions. This is what my recent client Lisa, a forty-year-old auditor, says: “Yes, I know that men are not saints, that they have some kind of connections on the side.” I would be willing to tolerate this. But why doesn’t my husband try at all to hide his hobbies from me? Why does he show me with all his appearance that I am not alone with him? At first I thought that he was just going to leave me - that’s why he wasn’t hiding anything. Then I realized: he was not going to go anywhere or to anyone, and I stopped worrying about this. I was waiting for him to outgrow it all, for it all to end. We got married when Volodya was 30 years old, now he’s almost fifty, and he’s still dating some “girlfriends.” I have an idea about some of them - and they are not of the highest caliber. It ruins my life and doesn’t make yours any better.
You ask: why don’t I leave him? You know, he really good husband- except for the constant betrayals. Always even, calm, friendly, over the many years of living together he never raised his voice at me, never said a rude word. Sometimes I flare up and explode - he restrains himself. He tries to earn money for his family - in his youth he worked hard at two jobs. At first I thought that there was some kind of defect hidden in me as a woman - that’s why he had these connections. I even started an affair with a colleague, and he was delighted with me. But I developed a strong feeling of guilt towards Volodya, and I ended the affair myself. I'm afraid to live alone, I'm afraid to be left without a husband. Here I wait and endure..."
The lack of disguise is a way to humiliate his wife, to force her to constantly think about his connection with his mistress. Such a “husband” cannot function sexually with a woman equal to him; for attraction and erection, he needs a partner of a lower status - so he, without much difficulty, lowers the status of his wife.
State of the victim
Lisa’s “patience” has not left its mark on her: she looks depressed, speaks in a quiet voice and has a stamp of suffering on her face. As I already said, depression in victims of sexual infidelity differs not only in severity, but also in its originality. These women constantly imagine scenes of intimate relations between their husband and his mistress, and in their fantasies the mistress looks both much more attractive and much more temperamental than in reality. Exhausting, wounding fantasies, combined with depressive melancholy, force a woman who is trying to somehow get rid of them to look for and find various bodily (as we say, somatic) diseases, clearly feel non-existent pain and be treated for these imaginary disorders : cardiac, gastrointestinal, endocrine. At the height of depression, so-called “bodily hallucinations” develop - we call them senestopathies: a woman feels pain in the heart or in the duodenum, she does not doubt the truth of these pains. A process occurs that psychotherapists call “somatization of depression.” Painful sensations and poor health are expressed so clearly, so vividly that it is completely impossible to convince them that illness is a manifestation of depression - over many years of practice, I have come to the conclusion that it is pointless to try. I see how the luminaries of therapy, cardiology or enterology (less experienced in psychotherapy) are trying their best to convince these unfortunate women that they do not have any serious illness - but in vain! And finally, there is a specialist who will diagnose the “imaginary patient” and treat her for years. “Flight into illness” to some extent relieves the victim of painful fantasies and jealousy, but does not relieve depression.
Moreover, imaginary diseases - in which the woman herself sincerely believes! - are both a way to attract the husband’s attention (sometimes the only way!), and a way to punish him for infidelity. Such women undergo expensive examinations and often go to inpatient departments: they think that their placement in a hospital will force their husband to change his behavior. “Cheaters” regularly visit their wife in the hospital, bring them broths, fruits and flowers - and get more freedom to meet with their mistress.
In my practice, I constantly see how wives who decide to leave such a “malicious traitor”, within a few weeks, forget about the “diseases” that they suffered for ten years, for which they were treated by the best Moscow specialists, for the treatment of which huge amounts of money were spent. They forget, as if they had never heard of complex diagnoses. And they don’t return to them for decades!
Where did they come from?
Studies of the parent families of “malicious traitors” were carried out in the eighties and nineties by groups of American specialists led by Janice Spring, Anna Selter and several scientists in Australia. A characteristic feature of their childhood was their upbringing in a two-parent family with an imperious, energetic mother, who, as a rule, was not too harsh, dictating the rules of behavior not only for her son, but also for her husband. In most cases, future “hidden sexual aggressors” had the so-called “teenage rebellion” with its inherent conflicts, leaving home, often deviant (deviant) behavior and other properties of a difficult period of hormonal changes. (In general, I advise women to be careful with potential husbands who have gone through a turbulent teenage years, especially a long-term rebellion against the mother. Behind teenage protests are powerful childhood protests, a subconscious aggressive attitude towards the mother, and this can turn against you).
Psychologists discovered an interesting circumstance: when there were severe conflicts with their mother, the boys attended school regularly, studied well, and maintained good relationships with teachers and classmates. Experts call this behavior “partial rebellion” (i.e., partial rebellion, limited to one area of ​​activity). “Partial rebellion” in general is observed quite rarely among teenagers: if a teenager rebels, it is against parents, and against teachers, and against the rules at school, and against the rules at home. And their protest behavior continues not for several months, not for a year, but for the entirety of five, or even six, long teenage years.
The constant presence of two women in their lives is revealed already in their teenage sexual fantasies, and at the very beginning of their intimate life. The love and long-term attachment to a chosen one, so characteristic of teenagers, is not observed at all among future “malicious cheaters”; their attitude towards women already in the years of sexual debut is rational - consumer, while both rationality and consumerism are well disguised by external politeness and gentleness.
In general, among future “hidden aggressors” we observe an amazingly successful start to their sexual life, which is generally not typical for young people. The vast majority of teenagers, despite their physiological hypersexuality, enter into intimate life not so easy: emotional instability, anxiety, love experiences, self-doubt, and lack of experience lead to frequent failures, premature ejaculation, loss of erection and other sexual failures. The so-called older teenagers (16 – 19 years old) make up approximately half of the clients of sexologists. “Malicious cheaters” function surprisingly well, without failures or failures; we explain this fact by their low ability to fall in love and love. As I already said, with all their interest in the fair sex, bright, strong hobbies are not typical for them. For them, passion and intimate relationships are not so much a source of sensual pleasure as a way of self-affirmation and dominance over a woman.
What to do?
If, after getting married, a woman is faced with her husband’s sexual infidelity, then first of all, she needs to decide on the goals and nature of this infidelity. It is not easy to talk about these topics with him, but it is absolutely necessary. And there is absolutely no need to pretend that you do not notice his extramarital affairs: in this case, you look unobservant and stupid. We men cannot respect the one we managed to deceive. Show that you are a “sighted” being, that you know about the existence of this connection, but do not make a tragedy out of it. For cheaters of the first group - those who cheat for self-affirmation - an open, devoid of veil of secrecy relationship very often loses all its attractiveness of “war behind enemy lines” and quickly ends.
Remember: no matter how unpleasant and traumatic sexual betrayal is, it represents an excellent opportunity for you to express yourself at your best. the best side, demonstrate your best human qualities. (In everyday, everyday life, these qualities are most often obscured and fade into the background. We all tend to underestimate a loved one simply because we live in close contact, and everyday interaction covers up our merits). The husband expects that the disclosure of his affair will lead to scandals, tears, reproaches, he expects childish disorderly and senseless behavior. Your restraint, self-control, desire to understand the reasons and nature of his “holiday on the side” will make him appreciate you more highly, as my students say, “respect you.”
I recommend that my clients - victims of infidelity - definitely meet with the woman with whom her husband is having a sexual relationship. The purpose of such a meeting is not to cause a scandal, but to understand what motivates your husband to this relationship. Yes, such contact requires the exertion of all mental strength, but it is absolutely necessary to clarify the situation. Based on many years of experience, I can firmly say: it is beneficial in one hundred percent of cases.
Four signs will help you determine which group of “cheating” your husband belongs to: periodic or malicious. The first of these is the frequency of extramarital relationships. For the vast majority of men, an affair is followed by a long - not less than a year, and as a rule, more - a period of fidelity, deep emotional attachment without any interest in “stranger” women. For the “inveterate”, everything is different: one connection is immediately followed – or at intervals of several weeks – by another.
The second sign is the character of the partners. Men of the first group enter into relationships with women of their cultural and social level, with women who are quite worthy. “Malicious” cheaters get involved with a variety of women, often located on the social ladder much lower than themselves. Often such a connection causes surprise - the intellectual, cultural, educational difference between him and his partner is very great.
The third sign is the lack of proper secrecy, neglect to keep extramarital relationships secret. As I already said, behind this is not negligence at all, but a conscious desire to humiliate the wife, put her in a state of depression, and often plunge her into despair.
The fourth is the practical absence of intimate relationships with his wife during those periods when he does not have an extramarital relationship. As a rule, wives are not at all upset by this - sex with their husbands has long become unwanted for them.
When the question arises: to abandon the second woman and stop injuring his wife, but at the same time lose high sexual activity, or continue to turn his wife into a disabled person, but at the same time enjoy an active sex life - most “principled cheaters” choose the second. Psychotherapists have long introduced the concept of “dictatorship of the penis”: if the method of arousal, desire, or the mode of satisfying sexual needs comes into conflict with moral and ethical standards, then the man (most often!) steps over these standards, and at any cost tries to preserve and support his own sexual functioning.
If all four signs of a “malicious traitor” are present in your husband, then all attempts to change him, to make him faithful husband completely vain and doomed to failure. The only way to survive is to keep yours mental health- get away from him as quickly as possible. Yes, yours will suffer financial situation, your social status will decrease, it will be hard for you for some time, but after two to three weeks you will feel relief, stop constantly thinking about your misfortune, become cheerful, and your cheerfulness will return. You can’t live with a “malicious traitor”...
How many times have I heard from my clients: “I see that a woman I barely know and is not very interesting to me is ready to give herself to me. I know that I don’t need her, that I’ve had hundreds of people like her, that the hundred and first will not add anything to this list... I know that in terms of her human qualities, this woman is no match for my wife. I know that I should go home, be with my wife and child, that I have been neglecting them in recent days (months, years), that my wife’s patience is running out, that she is in despair, that she is about to explode... But still I know that in the first two or three intimacy with this new woman I will have a good erection - like in my youth, that sex with her will give me great (even if very short!) pleasure. And I go to her, or go to a hotel with her, have sex with her and return home at eleven... Sometimes I am tormented by my conscience, a feeling of guilt before my wife and child, but at the same time I know: I cannot and will never do otherwise. I can. As long as I have attraction, I will also have connections “on the side”..."
Of course, a person with such a psyche, with such attitudes cannot and should not be a husband. However, having been abandoned by his wife, he quickly finds another (we have no shortage of single women!) and just as quickly begins to torment her...

Alexander Poleev

Cheating on your husband is never accidental, and it happens much less frequently than male adultery. This is confirmed by inexorable statistics, which say that approximately 60 percent of spouses cheat on their wives from time to time, while among the female half of humanity only 40 percent of women cheat on their husbands. Moreover, most of the latter enter into an intimate relationship on the side only once, for a specific reason. Which one? Essentially, women because of the reasons given to them by their partner, which can be very different.

Reasons for cheating on your husband

Awareness of the need to change a partner due to some “defectiveness” of the husband. We can talk about impotence, inability to conceive a child, etc.

Poor performance of bed duties by the spouse - discrepancy in sexual appetites (the wife remains “unloved”), boring, lack of pleasure from too short contacts.

Desire for novelty. Despite the monogamy attributed to female nature, women dissatisfied in marriage can be driven to cheat on their husbands by curiosity, the need to compare him with another man. If adultery occurs for this reason, it can be stated that the woman has stopped loving (or never loved): her husband.

Cheating can occur out of a feeling of revenge for one’s desecrated love. Even if her feelings for the traitor have not cooled down, through betrayal the woman seeks to return to her husband the pain that she felt because of his move to the left, or to assert herself in her wounded feminine attractiveness.

Sex on the wife's side can also happen due to contempt for the spouse, for example, due to his abuse of alcohol or drugs.

Women who remain without a husband for a long time also cheat, especially if the husband is absent for a disrespectful reason. If he is not at war or working to earn money, it means that he is giving his wife an unspoken impetus to cheat.

How to get rid of guilt towards your spouse

Is it possible to justify betrayal? Of course, if it happened for the reasons listed above, the woman can be partly understood without labeling her as a walker. Unfortunately, not all women who accidentally or intentionally “went to the left” live in harmony with their conscience. Most unfaithful spouses, as a rule, are tormented by a feeling of guilt towards their husband. Why does this happen and how to cope with such a depressing condition?

Psychologists say that feelings of guilt are most often formed from the fear of losing a person and his kind attitude towards himself. In the case of a husband, an unfaithful wife may suffer, however, not only from the fear of losing her loved one, but also from doubts about whether it is worth continuing the relationship if the betrayal was really sweet. In the latter case, love between spouses most likely passed, at least on the woman’s part.

The easiest way to cope with feelings of guilt is to tell your husband about your sin and ask for his forgiveness. Of course, it’s difficult to predict a man’s reaction, but it certainly won’t be positive. Perhaps it will even come to divorce. So think carefully about whether it's worth risking the relationship you want.

If you decide to keep silent about the fact, you can ask for forgiveness from your husband... in his absence. Place his photograph in front of you and tell her the whole situation, sincerely repenting of your adultery. Sometimes you can get rid of the feeling of guilt that haunts you by telling about a difficult situation to someone close to you in whom you are confident.

In addition, you can put the problem on paper in full detail, writing down the reasons that prompted you to commit adultery and how you repent of your wrongdoing. After rereading your confession, burn it or tear it into small pieces, getting rid of the negativity that fills your soul.

Analyze the reasons that pushed you to cheat, draw conclusions from what happened, try to think through how you will behave further with your husband and, of course, mentally promise that you will not deceive your loved one again.

If none of the above helps, and the feeling of guilt literally “eats” you from the inside, it is better to contact a psychologist who will help you resolve such a difficult situation for you.

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How to painlessly survive your husband's betrayal

To live, you need to be able to turn around and cope with possible difficulties and betrayals - an unspoken law that any woman should remember. And even if the one who deceived you and your expectations turned out to be your beloved husband, it’s worth going through it with your head held high. How to painlessly survive your husband's betrayal? Advice from psychologists will be discussed in this article.

The most common mistake of wives whose husbands have cheated on them is the decision to fall into a deep and necessarily heartbreaking depression in order to eat away the pain with ice cream (maybe you will die from pharyngitis, and your husband will be ashamed and hurt), so that everyone will feel sorry for you and scold the scoundrel, so that your husband will then realized his guilt and crawled back on his knees. In fact, depression will drag you to the very bottom, those who sympathize with your grief will run on with their own affairs, and your husband will prefer a strong, self-confident and self-sufficient mistress. And ice cream will turn into extra pounds to complete happiness. But what to do then?

Psychologists advise analyzing any problem with a cool head on your shoulders.

No matter how painful it is, you need to pull yourself together, calm down and soberly assess the situation. What was the nature of your husband’s infidelities? Was this an isolated incident, or does the scoundrel walk left and right regularly on Fridays? In fact, this is very important. In cases where there was only one betrayal, saving the family is much easier. In addition, it is worth understanding that sometimes such events can help spouses reconsider their principles, dismantle what the family was previously based on, realize their mistakes and make the marriage stronger.

Then you need to talk to your husband. To drown out your resentment, ask your spouse to be honest and frank. If he still loves you and your suffering causes him the same pain, it would be more logical to try to forgive him. Of course, this is very difficult. But an understanding woman who is able to forgive and pat a lost husband on the head is valued by men much more than a proud hysterical woman.

There are times when, during such conversations, the husband admits that he has not loved you for a long time and has already committed his multiple “adventures,” fully aware of the gravity of his action and not even regretting it. This intensifies the pain, and many women begin to desperately beg him to save the family. Sometimes men don’t like these meaningless women’s tears, when it is already clear that the marriage has completely broken up. But sometimes, feeling a sense of affection and pity for the once beloved woman, they remain. That's when it gets much worse. False smiles, pathetic attempts to return the family will completely humiliate the woman and destroy her life. In such situations, you need to let go.

Psychologists are confident that a woman, a very sensitive creature who understands, if not with her mind, then with her subconscious mind, sees perfectly well the crumbling relationship with her husband and, no matter how hard she tries to improve it, she is already beginning to slowly, painfully, but irreversibly break off all the threads connecting her with this person. . Therefore, by letting go of her husband, she will finally feel free, because an unloved and unloving person who lives with you out of habit oppresses the woman, she literally dissolves in his shadow. And the pain dulls over time. After all, an unfulfilled relationship means that your destined soul mate is still wandering around on this planet and waiting patiently while you try to desperately cling to the past.

Be self sufficient

Do other activities: try to fulfill your old childhood dream, enroll in a drawing studio and make-up classes, buy a subscription to a fitness club and learn how to cook masterfully, so as not to wonder, The psychologist's advice is really effective: the more you discover more and more facets of your personality, the more interesting you will become to society.

Be strong

Men, despite all the lamentations about “fragile and vulnerable nymphs with frightened doe eyes,” love strong and successful women. Perhaps because they are respected more and sometimes even feared. This is not the 19th century, and the owner of the house may not be a gentleman, but a lady with a living husband. Be an authority figure and never give up, even if your family is literally falling apart. Your views on life are the most correct, your actions are the most logical, your opinion is the most important, and your borscht and cutlets are the most delicious!

No matter how much pain you feel, do not allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself. Neither from my husband’s side, nor from my friends or relatives. Be strong and fight. Pity is something that can finally destroy your self-respect, desire for life and willpower.

The morning is wiser than the evening!

In completely hopeless cases, one should not strive for hasty decisions. You need to calm down, maybe talk to your mom or best friend, make a few angry notes in your diary and leave everything unchanged for a while. It will be possible to take a sober look at the problem and assess the scale of the disaster later.

What is the cause of the problem?

Once you have calmed down, try to think for yourself what really happened. Was cheating the main reason for the breakdown of the marriage, or is it just a convenient disguise for the real problem? One cannot rush in tears to blame all the blame on the husband: perhaps all the blame lies precisely with the woman herself? After an in-depth analysis of your family relations After sending the message for years and reaching a verdict, it will be possible to decide to have a frank conversation with your husband.

Or maybe this is for the better?

Even if hopes to save your family did not come true, you should not rush to throw your head into the pool of depression and sadness. After all, betrayal is not the end of life. On the contrary, this event is a betrayal. Showed the real side of the man with whom you lived before and were going to live for as long and more. In addition, this can be a good push, a shake-up, which the woman might have lacked. In order to pull yourself together and take care of yourself, correct your shortcomings and become more interesting and attractive.

By following these tips, the issue will be resolved “How to survive your husband’s betrayal: advice from a psychologist.” Video With correspondence consultations, family psychologists can also be of great help and dull the pain of betrayal until it is finally polished by time. It must be remembered that these are just stages of life that need to be passed through. Like, for example, passing exams at school, the first session at the institute, the first new job, the first acquaintance with human indifference and betrayal.

After the betrayal of a loved one, an emptiness appears in the soul, confusion and confusion settle in the heart, and one question beats in the head: “how to survive betrayal” so as not to do things that you will later regret for a long time.

It is quite difficult to regain peace of mind after such an event; besides, you need to decide how to live further, understand yourself and understand whether it is worth trying to restore the family.

What to do when you find out about cheating

• If the news has caused anger and resentment, try to calm down. To do this, you can drink a sedative or give vent to tears by locking yourself in your room.
• Physical exercise is a good way to let off steam. Go to the gym or pool and give yourself maximum exercise. The main thing is to free yourself from hatred and anger, because they will begin to destroy you from the inside, and this will only get worse.
• You don’t need to listen to the advice of friends and acquaintances on how to survive your husband’s betrayal; you have an individual situation that you need to think about on your own.
• To do this, take the children to their grandmothers and leave home for an indefinite period of time, let your husband wonder where you went.
• Live alone for a few days, put your feelings in order and decide how to live further.

You have two options: leave your husband forever or stay and try to forget what happened. Think about whether you are able to forgive your husband and live with him after his betrayal.

To make a decision, it is important to know whether the husband has stumbled once or whether he has a permanent mistress to whom he can leave. If your spouse repents, hangs up the phone and asks for it, you need to ask yourself: “how to survive betrayal and forgive your husband?”

Ways to calm down

When there is still love in your soul and the thought of separation is unbearable, you should try to save the relationship. After all, both partners are often to blame for betrayal.

Maybe you stopped paying enough attention to your spouse, you were too busy with work and friends, your husband felt lonely and stumbled. Therefore, when you are ready to talk, explain to your husband and find out what did not suit him.

• While you understand yourself, you should not cry and suffer around the clock, such behavior will not lead to good.
• When you are in a lot of pain and you don’t know how to survive your husband’s betrayal, take care of yourself. This will distract you from unpleasant thoughts and give you confidence.
• Go to a beauty salon, change your hairstyle, dye your hair.
• Update your wardrobe, change your clothing style. These experiments will distract you from constant thoughts about betrayal and will not allow you to turn into a tearful martyr.
• It's good to go on vacation. If possible, go to the seaside for a few days or visit another city. A change of environment will calm the soul and give strength.
• Try to forget for a while about your husband and his betrayal, this will restore your inner harmony.

Important conversation

When you have the strength to talk with your spouse, return home and amaze your husband with a beautiful appearance and self-confidence. Most likely, he expects to see you broken and depressed and will be discouraged when he meets a dazzling beauty who does not sob or cry.

If before this he had thoughts of leaving you, seeing a gorgeous woman in front of him, he will understand that you will not be left alone either, and will most likely change his plans.

• Sit down together and figure out the reasons that prompted your spouse to cheat. Let him explain what didn’t suit him in the relationship and discuss the possibility of reconciliation.
• When betrayal has not entered the system, the husband sincerely repents, and you do not want to part, forgive your spouse.
• If you decide to restore your family, an important condition How to survive your husband's betrayal is sincere forgiveness.
• Don’t bring up the past, don’t remind your man of betrayal, start your life from scratch. This is the only way to count on a happy marriage, in which there will be no mutual reproaches and insults.
• When to find it right away mutual language If it doesn't work out, don't focus on the problem. Better find something you like that will take up all your time. This will not allow you to constantly think about betrayal and breed resentment in your soul.
• Don't chase your husband and don't beg him to come back. Let him see that you can live without him and remain happy. When a wife does not attach herself to herself and does not make a scene, most men begin to understand what they have lost and they themselves try to return to the family.

What absolutely should not be done

After betrayal, irritation and rage do not go away for a long time. The woman suffers, worries, and gradually the tension begins to destroy the body. Insomnia occurs, blood pressure rises, and headaches occur.

Diseases of the stomach and other organs develop from nervous stress, so it is very important to pull yourself together and extinguish hatred. After all, your husband’s misconduct is not worth your well-being. Think about your children and yourself. You need health to move on with your life, raise your children and become happy again.

When there are children in the family, the breakdown of relationships is much more painful, because the child loves his parents equally and suffers greatly during their quarrels.

• If dad and mom do not temporarily live together, do not demand that the child not communicate with his father, do not turn the baby against him. No matter what happens between you, he will always remain the dad for the children that they need. The child's psyche is delicate, the child can get sick nervous soil, so don’t drag him into your squabbles and never say that your father is bad.
• Drive away the desire for revenge. This feeling will not bring satisfaction if it is realized. Do not try to spite your husband to cheat with the first person you meet. After this, shame for oneself will be added to the resentment and bitterness. You can calm down by changing your surroundings and completely occupying yourself with something.

Alcohol and pills

It is important not to become addicted to alcohol. A glass of wine is not much, but after it you feel light and pleasant in your soul. But in an attempt to relieve internal pain, you can start taking such medicine constantly, and this is very bad. Even the most beautiful man is not worth your health and such suffering.

You should also not get carried away with sedative pills. You can drink them once or twice to recover from the news of betrayal, but you cannot build this into a system. From this one. Every day you will need more pills to get your nerves in order. And in a few months you can turn into a drug addict.

Nervous stress

Some women experience nervous stress after betrayal. And they even have thoughts of killing themselves. This is the worst thing that can happen. Try to understand that everything in the world is interconnected and this test was not given to you by chance.

Perhaps it was sent to appreciate the new life partner who will definitely appear to give joy and happiness. If it’s difficult to get rid of bad thoughts and you don’t know after your husband’s betrayal, visit a professional psychologist. A specialist will help restore peace of mind.

• Remember that divorce will not save you from pain. It takes time to heal.
• We haven’t yet come up with a way to survive betrayal quickly.
• You can try to speed up the process in yoga classes. They relax well and return peace and tranquility to the soul.
• If your current situation is like a terrible dream, and you dream of waking up and returning to your past life, you need to forgive all the insults to your husband and start all over again with him. When he wants the same thing, restoring the family is not difficult. You just need to be honest with each other and explain yourself directly. Listen to your spouse’s wishes, voice yours and try to do family life such that the thought of betrayal never enters a man’s mind.

How to behave after reconciliation

1. To do this, you need to devote more time to your appearance. Lose excess weight, do beautiful hairstyle and always greet your husband with a smile.
2. Try to scold your spouse less. Let him relax after work in your company with an interesting conversation or movie, and not listen to his wife’s grumbling or complaints.
3. IN intimate relationships It’s better to loosen up and try everything your husband wants, otherwise he may go looking for what he wants on the side. This is how their nature works.
4. Try to share your husband’s interests, be cheerful, beautiful, satisfied with life, and you will succeed.
5. The main thing is that the desire to restore the marriage is mutual. If the husband does not have it, and he agreed to return to the family out of despair, then the situation will repeat itself again. And again pain, disappointment, tears...
6. Every woman who has gone through betrayal has her own recipe for how to survive her husband’s betrayal, but the basic rule remains the same - the ability to forgive mistakes. This is the only way to start a new happy life.