Being a good mother is, in general, a normal desire of any woman. True, the criteria for “goodness” in each family are very vague. What suits one mother and her child may not suit another. How to relate to other people's advice and how to become self-sufficient and happy?
What is the ideal?
A good mother never gets annoyed with her child and never yells at him, much less spanks him;
she is ready to sit for hours with her child and sculpt, draw, lay out patterns from cereals;
she takes the child to various developmental activities (in order to develop everything that can be developed: brain, knowledge, muscles, willpower and character);
she is aware of everything that happens in the child’s life;
she always smiles and is ready to help at any moment;
her child never gets sick, because a caring mother prevents any diseases on all fronts;
she doesn’t go shopping or sit for hours with her friends chatting empty-handedly;
her child is always neatly dressed and combed, he is not rude to anyone and is polite to everyone, his mother does not have to blush because of him;
and she invariably prepares healthy, proper food, which the child always eats without talking, and everything in her house sparkles and shines with cleanliness. It seems everything...
"From a social point of view, ideal - good mom“, which must sacrifice itself to children, but demand from them obedience, politeness and ensure that they certainly please everyone around them and certainly achieve success,” sums up Irina Mlodik, child psychologist, representative of the Interregional Association of Psychological Practitioners “Simply Together”. At the same time, it would be nice if the mother still had time to develop herself and was interesting to her husband.
The question arises whether ideal woman time for own desires and needs. And in general, does she have the right to her own life?
Psychologists are sure that it is best for both a woman and her loved ones if she has the opportunity and need to realize her desires and dreams. A child needs a happy mother, not one who is tortured by work, children and a husband. However, in life sometimes things are different. Becoming a mother, a woman seems to be deprived of her right to life - personal desires, plans. But besides this, the mother is immediately bombarded with a barrage of advice on raising, teaching and feeding the child from all sides. “You have to do this...”, “You have to...” - she hears either from the neighbor next door, or from the doctor at the clinic, or from her mother-in-law or her own mother. And many women try to take all this “wise advice” into account. But is it worth following them so diligently?
“Such phrases are often uttered not at all out of good intentions,” says psychologist Irina Mlodik. “Underneath them, oddly enough, lies not the desire to help the mother or child, but the desire to compete with her - that is, to show that the adviser knows much more about education children in general and about this particular child in particular. It is important for mothers (and fathers too) to understand that following other people’s advice means giving up your parental power to another person. And in this case, it will be very difficult to learn to be a parent, but you can listen to them. It’s still up to the parents themselves to decide. It’s impossible to learn something from someone else’s mind and someone else’s experience. Parenting is something that comes from practice, from your decisions made and implemented.”
Why is it sometimes so difficult for parents to live with their own minds? “There can be many reasons for this,” Irina Mlodik answers the question. “They can do this out of anxiety, out of self-doubt. It’s sad that the more parents listen not to themselves and their child, but to other people’s advice, the less confidence they have in The habit of obeying may also take place here.”
Raise yourself or your child?
As a rule, adults consider themselves smart and experienced, while children, in their minds, are stupid fools. This is why parents consider themselves entitled to teach their children about life. And when a mother looks at the world with an unclouded, pure and clear gaze, she evokes condemnation from those around her: “Well, you’re like a child!..” - they say. Meanwhile, psychologists believe that it is precisely this kind of mother – a living mother, with genuine feelings, emotions and reactions – that children need. And for this, a woman and a man must be psychologically ready to become parents.
“Then motherhood will not be endured by a woman as a monstrous, exorbitant burden, accompanied by endless anxiety, painful uncertainty and sacrifice,” says Irina Mlodik. “It would also be nice if motherhood were conscious, that is, a woman could understand her own feelings and be able to mirror feelings his child. The child is interested in a mother who is interested in his personality, and not just whether he ate well and did his homework.”
“I recently read an instructive and at the same time funny parable in a book,” consulting psychologist Vladimir Bogdanov joins our conversation. “A mother brings her son to the sage and asks: “Please tell him that eating sweets is bad, it’s harmful.” The old man replies: “Come to me in two weeks.” At the appointed time, the mother again brought her son to the sage and again asked him the same. The old man approached the boy and said: “Don’t eat sweets, it’s very harmful.” “Why couldn’t you say this two weeks ago?!” “Two weeks ago I was still eating sweets...” answered the sage. I think it would do well for parents to learn from the experience of this old man. role model for any child. Children absorb everything from their environment like a sponge."
And indeed, various scientists have confirmed that children do not perceive words; telling them how to behave, how to live is useless. They still copy their parents from behavior and habits to building their own lives. "When I worked as a psychologist in kindergarten, then I noticed,” Vitaly Dvornikov, consulting psychologist, life coach, spurt trainer, shares his observations, “that if the mother is nervous, then the child also has psychosis, and when the parents are all calm, there is harmony in the soul, then so is the child.” no problem".
“I would tell parents: you can raise a child, but he will still be like you,” comments Irina Mlodik. “And therefore, if you want to convey to him healthy models of dealing with himself, with others and with the world, implement it yourself ".
So before you demand pathological honesty from a child, think about whether you always tell the truth yourself. If you want to ask your son or daughter to be patient a little longer while standing in line at the post office, remember your mood after an hour spent in traffic. By the way, many psychologists advise using “I statements” more often when communicating with a child. Then it turns out that you do not give the child any assessments (“he ate poorly”, “behaved well”, “clever”, “dumb”), but speak exclusively about your feelings (“I was offended to see this”, “I’m glad that you coped”, “I understand your feelings in this situation”). According to psychologists, this type of speech is very effective in establishing a dialogue with your beloved child.
“As practice shows, if a person doesn’t like anything in his life, in the behavior of the people around him, including his own child,” says Vitaly Dvornikov, “it means he needs to change something in himself. It’s difficult, but the result is not will make you wait."
And why are these parents needed?
My interlocutor, five-year-old Ksyusha Pichugina, gave a typical answer for kids: “Mom and dad are needed to raise the child. And for this they must feed him.” An older child, of course, will name much more “functions” of parents. But here are the symbolic “responsibilities” that psychologists especially highlight.
“Mom feeds, cares, unconditionally (it would be very desirable) accepts, notices, is interested in, helps and teaches how to deal with one’s feelings, teaches one to understand oneself and other people, creates warmth and comfort and is herself an interesting person whom one wants to follow.” “, reflects Irina Mlodik. “Yes, mom is also in a wonderful relationship with dad, which shows the model of life in a happy couple. Dad protects, teaches to protect and defend himself, sets boundaries for the child, teaches him to put chaos into order (in thoughts, in. life, in the room), helps to grow, develop, mature, helps plan the future, expands the child’s world by telling, showing, opening. Dad is the one you can rely on, who loves. mom child, transmits and receives respect to all family members. The one who, through his realization and success, helps the child also become successful in life." This, of course, is ideal...
Do you want to be a good mom? Stop trying to be her :) Calm down, I’ll explain now.
Arguments against being a good mother:
The child suffers from this. Why does it suffer, you ask? He has a good mother and all that. So this is precisely why he suffers: his mother has no time to deal with him, she is passionate about recreating the image of her own goodness, ideality, correctness (emphasize yours).
The child wants ice cream - he is not allowed (a good mother knows the rules). If he wants chocolate instead of carrots, he can’t (a good mother knows what’s healthy). If he wants to touch the snow with his hands, he can’t (a good mother knows what’s harmful). If he wants to go play, he can’t (a good mother knows that she needs to finish the soup first). If he wants to be friends with Petya, that’s also not allowed (a good mother forbids playing with bad boys). And so on.
It would seem that there is nothing bad in this (of course, only good :)) - this is, after all, basic care for your child. But I’m talking about those cases, and about those mothers for whom the most important thing in the world is to be a good mother. They are easy to recognize. They live for their children. They know what to do and what not to do. They are heroines and victims, working for the good of... what? Of course, to your good mother.
But the real child at this time just wants to touch the snow with his hands.
Nobody will appreciate this.
So, she lives for her children. “My life is my children.” “A woman should live only for the sake of her children.” “My meaning in life is in my children.” “I live so that my child can be happy,” and so on. Have you ever heard similar phrases? If yes, then you are familiar with others who are said from the same lips: “I am everything to you, and you are an ungrateful brute!”, “I laid my life on you!”, “Yes, I worked seven jobs so that you I studied at the university!”, and many other options.
In short, I have bad news. Children don't appreciate it if you make them the center of your life. You will never receive gratitude. Quite the contrary. Children don't like this very much. Well, you must admit, it’s very unpleasant to feel guilty, grateful and indebted all your life.
Yalom has an amazing sketch in his book “Mommy and the Meaning of Life.” Yalom writes books and brings them to his mother. His mother can't read. He invited her to read aloud, but she refused. She just cares about having books. She simply keeps these books in her possession and proudly shows them to everyone she knows. Yalom understands that in the end, everything he does, he does so that his mother can be proud of him. Writing books for his mother is the meaning of his life. The meaning of my mother’s life is these same books: as a result of her many years of work as a good mother (she raised a good son). The only endless absurdity is that she will never read them. She'll never hear him, and he'll never tell her. She will never meet her son in reality. He will not meet his mother in reality. They just dance around the result for years. This is what mothers do when they assign meaning to their children’s lives. They limit themselves, limit their children, and turn their common life into working towards a common result. It seems absurd and sad, no?
In general, children do not want to be the meaning of your life. It is, as it were, a burden for them. They would breathe more freely if you had your own meaning, and they had theirs. Children don't need a sacrificing, good mother. They won't appreciate your sacrifices. Moreover, if you have a boy, he will generally marry someone else :) And this bitch won’t even feed him properly, yeah.
Difficulty in expressing feelings appears.
Moreover, both for you and for the child. About the child a little later, first about the mother. And best of all, by example.
I had one pregnant client who really wanted a boy. She wanted it so much that she already lived like that - as if she had a boy there. And on the ultrasound, as luck would have it, it was not visible all the time: the child would either turn away or lie down in the wrong way. In short, already at a fairly decent age, she found out that there was a girl inside her. That day she came to me, as they say, couldn’t be sadder.
With a mournful face, she walked into the room and sat down on the sofa. She said that she had a lot of feelings about this: she was upset and all that, but there was something else, something very important that she was silent about. How do you feel about your child now? – I asked. She didn’t dare answer this question for a long time, beat around the bush, came across shame (it’s shameful to talk about this), persuaded herself that this was all nonsense and she should forget about it.
In the process of self-persuasion, she uttered the phrase: “in the end, a girl is the same child as a boy,” and looked at me expectantly. And, purely rationally, then she, of course, was right. But this is only if it is purely rational. And I answered her: “no, that’s not true. A boy is more desirable for you than a girl. and in this they are no longer the same.”
Then the client (almost in a whisper) said that she really felt great resentment towards the child for being a girl. This was the very thing that she was ashamed to say at first. Good mothers don't talk like that. Good mothers love both boys and girls equally.
The most interesting thing is that when we began to find out what she was so afraid of, that it was so difficult to say out loud the words about resentment and anger, it turned out that she was not afraid for the child, but for herself. She became afraid that the child would hear what she said and would love her less. Isn't this direct evidence that, trying to be a good mother, we take care of ourselves, and not of our children?
Well, and, of course, the main thing. When this client was able to admit her negative feelings towards her child, allowed them to be, talk about them - they disappeared (see Beisser's theory of paradoxical changes). While giving a speech to her unborn child (a girl), she started with shame (I’m ashamed to talk about this), turned to resentment and anger (I’m angry at you for being a girl), and ended with sadness (I’m sad that everything worked out not the way I wanted) and, of course, love (I love you, my child).
As she left, she said that if she had not allowed herself to be angry with her child, she would not have been able to feel love for him. This answers the question for those who are wondering why acknowledge negative feelings at all. Well, that’s the way we are designed, that if we freeze something, then everything freezes. Together. So, if you are a good mother, you do not have the right to be angry, offended, or hate your child. But then you will have difficulty feeling love for him. Not to mention the fact that unexpressed anger and resentment lead to various psychosomatic diseases and significantly spoil future relationships.
Now about the affected children. In this sense, I consider those who are victims to be those who cannot allow their mother to be bad (my mother cannot be bad) or admit their negative feelings towards her. I think it's fair to say that this is the problem with most of us - at least I see it quite often. To be more specific, in my practice I have come across several ways of how people deal with this. I'll tell you about them.
Method one. “Mom, it’s not you who’s bad, it’s me”
Well, okay. If I feel for you Dear Mom, something bad (resentment, anger, irritation, and so on), then I, mom, am a complete asshole, and you are something like a sacred animal, you can’t be bad (you’re a mom). And if I tell you something bad, then you will completely collapse/get sick/die, oh what a brute I am, you are my mother, and further in the text. Unfortunately, mothers themselves are often not averse to using such a scheme. They literally clutch at their hearts and come down with headaches. The phrase “how you talk to your mother” comes from the same place. The child grows up with a feeling of guilt and a depressing feeling of his own assholery. Now we remember that opposites always exist together, and where there is one polarity, there is certainly another. Those. this person, tormented by a sense of guilt and a feeling of his own hopeless badness, may suddenly begin to turn away from her. As in the joke, you know: I’m alone, completely alone. It’s the same here: I’m bad, how bad I am, I’m bad, oh, I’m bad, mmm, how bad I am, etc. Then again the feeling of guilt, and in circles. The main thing is: he is always bad, she is always good.
Method two. “Mom, it’s not you who’s bad, it’s everyone else”
Also an example from practice. A client says that whenever she enters into a new relationship, she feels resentment in advance. As if something offensive had already been done to her. What exactly? - I ask. Well, she expects that she will be unnecessary, and that she will be laughed at, and that she will be devalued. The way my mother did it, she says. And he tells this story. When she was little, she felt unwanted by her mother. One day she came up and asked with offense: Mom, why did you give birth to me, because you don’t need me! Good children don’t talk like that, my mother answered (I forgot to clarify: good mothers, of course, only have good children). And she, my client, spoke no more. Of course, she did not stop feeling unnecessary. And on the contrary, I felt even more like one. But from this conversation she learned that she should not tell her mother about her offense. This is not good and wrong. Oh, yes, my mother also laughed at her. How do you feel about your mom when you tell this? – I asked her. I love her, she answered, she is very good to me. What would you like to tell her? – I asked. Mommy,” she said, “I really want to be needed by you.” And she cried. She does not feel resentment towards her mother. But whenever she enters into a new relationship, she feels resentment in advance. As if she would be unnecessary, and as if they would laugh at her.
Method three. “Mom, you are not bad at all. I believe so much that you are good that I will become like you."
This is very interesting example, I came across it quite recently (last week), and I really liked it (its intricacy, I love intricate things). In general, the client complained about excess weight. In our work we come across the fact that she does not accept herself as such (full). I don't think so at first great importance(well, she doesn’t love herself, this happens often). But then she blurts out the phrase “I have a feeling that this fat is not mine at all.” Whose? - I ask. Mom, she answers. It seems to her that she got it from her mother, and this disgusts her. She hates her mother's fatness. Moreover, she is very ashamed to say such things about her mother (she has a good mother, and one should not be disgusted with her). At some point, the client has an epiphany. What a horror, she says, I’m deliberately gaining weight to be like my mother. I hate how fat she is, but I can't admit it. I’m deliberately getting fat to prove to myself and my mother that there is no disgust, that I want to be like her, what a horror!
These are the stories. That's all there is to it this moment I managed to gather information about good mothers and their affected children. The cases from my practice that I described, in my opinion, most clearly describe the listed methods. I think there are other ways to deal with the inability to accept bad feelings towards a good mother, but I haven't come across them yet. Write your stories and other examples. I love this topic and would love to expand my knowledge on it.
P.s.: the way to build relationships with your mother is subsequently transferred to relationships with other people. this is clearly visible in the second example.
R.R.S.: I don’t know why it’s so difficult for mothers to express their negative feelings. The best answer to this question so far was that same second client. she said “Mom is different from other people in that I need her most.” On my own behalf, I would add that my mother is different from other people in that she gave me life. and, probably, somewhere in the subconscious, I really should treat her like a deity. and if I fantasize psychotically, then in fact the one who is so omnipotent as to give me life can also take it away. scary?
I also forgot to say. Instead of being a good mom, I suggest just being.
Addition
Firstly, I was thinking about the topic I raised in p.p.s. (why is it so difficult to express negative feelings to my mother), and once again I came to the idea that behind this difficulty is the fear of destroying my mother, and (attention!), as a consequence, myself. I think there is some very deep, basic, unconscious connection “if there is no mother, there will be no me.” Perhaps it has roots in infancy, where the child is really still so helpless that he will literally die without his mother. Perhaps mother is perceived by us as something divine, giving life, and destroying what really gives us life can be somehow dangerous.
To be honest, a mother I know again pushed me to these thoughts - one of a series of very good and very helpful mothers who know how to do it. She told her son: “You have no right to be offended by me. I gave you life. If I didn’t exist, you wouldn’t exist.” Personally, I would translate this message as “if you are offended by me, I will collapse, and then you will die too.”
Secondly, I would like to add that good mothers and their children often depend on each other.
Making the child the meaning of her life, the mother sacrifices a lot for the sake of “his happiness.” Thus feeding the child’s unhealthy selfishness. From childhood, a person gets used to the type of relationship where the other sacrifices himself for him. He grows up dependent on his mother (Please note that such a child grows up with a feeling of guilt and selfishness at the same time. Those same cycles of self-flagellation and beating up on everyone around that I wrote about. Polarities that always exist nearby. The child is given everything at the same time, and they immediately blame him for it).
Mom, in turn, also cannot live without him. Try to live without the meaning of life.
Third, the theme of “being a good mother” smoothly intertwined with the theme of “I will give my child what I didn’t have.” Yes, yes, giving a child something because “I didn’t have it, but let him have plenty” is the same as giving a child something because “it’s useful, I know.” The child doesn’t care under what logical pretext you give him something he doesn’t want. A masterpiece in this sense is the phrase of one of my new friends: “about a child who was given everything that his parents did not have, this is also a situation from my life - they bought a piano for me when I was not yet in the world.” Good mothers don't notice real children. It is important for good mothers to feel good. Healthy. Right. How to.
Fourthly, the question was where they come from. Yes, from there, in general. Good mothers grow out of good girls, good daughters of their good mothers. They were taught in childhood that the main thing is to feel good. Healthy. Right. How to.
Fifthly, If you are already old enough and, reading the text, realize with regret “this is about my mother!”, this does not mean at all that:
- your mother is bad, not good (in fact, she just is. and you just have unexpressed feelings for her).
- you need to somehow correct your mother (in fact, your suffering on the topic of your “good mother” is a reason for personal psychotherapy, but not for correcting your mother).
At sixth, just one wonderful parable from one of the friends. It so happened that the eagle's egg somehow ended up in the farmer's barn next to other eggs that the chicken was hatching. After some time, a young eagle was born along with other chicks.*
Some more time passed, and the fledgling chick felt an inexplicable urge to fly. He once asked his mother hen:
- When will I learn to fly?
The poor hen didn't even realize that she couldn't fly, and she had no idea what other birds were doing to teach their chicks the art of flight. However, she was ashamed to admit her inferiority, and she replied:
- It's still early, baby. It is too early. Wait, I'll teach you when you're ready.
Months passed, and the young eagle began to suspect that his mother did not know how to fly. But he could not decide to fly on his own, since his insane desire to fly conflicted with the gratitude he felt for the bird that raised him.
Is there an ideal of a good mother, and what is it? Interest Ask. But the most interesting thing is that most mothers do not correspond to this very ideal, since, first of all, they are living people. As a result, we sometimes lament that we are bad mothers. But what should it be good mother? And what does it mean to be a good mother, what do you need to do for this? Read about it below.
Each of us has our shortcomings - this must be recognized. But is it really that bad? Why do most people consider supermom to be a deity with superpowers and the same abilities? All mothers are made of flesh and blood. It’s just not clear why some can raise smart, caring and independent children, while others can raise spineless, downtrodden and cruel ones. Although a big role is still given to the natural inclinations of the child himself. After all, we receive 80% of our character from birth, and 20% is adjusted by our parents in the process of upbringing. But making adjustments is sometimes very difficult and not all parents succeed, although not many are eager to do this, releasing everything on the brakes. Often, nature can simply take its course and no amount of effort or special approaches can help change what is inherent in a child from birth. There are many such cases. A mother can fight the child’s shortcomings, put her whole soul into him, forgetting about herself, but he will still grow up and become a criminal or an alcoholic who drinks everything he has and ends up under the fence. Is it worth it, then, to strive to become an ideal mother? We present to your attention some tips that will help you correctly assess yourself and your strengths, understand your own child and enjoy motherhood.
1. We are all living people with the right to make mistakes.
Imagine the situation: you yelled at your child for no reason, realized this and are very worried that your child will not forgive you. You reproach yourself and are ready to do this endlessly, thinking that you are a bad mother. But you have to understand one thing simple thing– you are just a simple person. You have your own problems, internal outbursts of emotions and breakdowns. Believe me, yours own child understands and accepts this. He needs a mother of flesh and blood, not a perfect robot. Of course, taking it out on a child is bad and undesirable. But do you repent of what you did? Then let your child know this, let him know that you admitted your mistake. Apologize. Do not repent, do not beg for a request, but simply sincerely explain that it is difficult for you and you will try not to do this again. Even the most Small child will appreciate the heart-to-heart conversation. What happened cannot be changed. Every person makes mistakes and has the right to make them, since it is from mistakes that we learn. The main thing is to draw conclusions and not repeat your mistakes, and, if possible, correct those already made.
2. Do you want to escape to the ends of the world? This is fine
Is your baby restless, disobedient and constantly sick? Are you exhausted trying to change the situation for the better? Does this make things worse? You think that the child is crying to spite you, does not listen in spite of you, and also gets sick in order to torment you. You are constantly visited by thoughts that you will never become a good mother, and you no longer understand what this really means. You dream of escaping to the ends of the world, only until you are given such an opportunity. All your feelings and experiences are normal. You a common person who can feel, be offended and blame himself and others for what is happening.
Do not believe those who say that you cannot be offended by a child. If you don’t do this, then he won’t learn to ask for forgiveness and understand that he can hurt people, then a little monster will grow out of him. You can also get tired of children, because it’s really hard with them. Accept yourself for who you are and then you will feel better, tension and irritation will subside, and pain will go away. Even the most ideal mothers sometimes feel helpless, tired and overwhelmed. The main thing is not to prolong this state, so that you do not consider the child a burden and an obstacle on the way to a calm and happy life. This should not happen to any mother.
3. You are not a sorceress
Let's imagine that you work from morning to night, so you physically cannot afford to devote as much time to your child as housewives do. Deal with it. You cannot set aside half a day to walk outside with your child and another half a day to read books. A working mother must work first and foremost, and nothing can be done about it, which is why it is much harder for her. The same attitude should be taken when constantly carrying a child in your arms if he cries. You are not omnipotent, and the child is not a piece of fluff. Sometimes you simply physically cannot do what you want. We repeat: you need to humble yourself and direct your efforts to what you can do.
4. Don't get angry
There are times when mom feels like a hot frying pan. Does your child disobey, says and does nasty things, refuses to help around the house and constantly demands your attention? This will throw anyone off balance. It is clear that in this situation you will not smile and pretend that everything is fine. You can be angry, the main thing is not to let your anger get out of control. It is one thing to be angry with a child, another thing to show open aggression towards him. No matter what feelings overwhelm you, do not keep anger to yourself, explain to your child that he is hurting you, making you unpleasant and thereby driving you crazy. Explain to your offspring what exactly he is doing wrong and what he should do so that you do not get angry. Don’t pretend to be kind, hiding your aggression, otherwise the negativity inside you will accumulate and burst out in a huge flame that will burn both you and your baby, which may come as a shock to him. How do you think your baby will react to always kind mother who breathes fire like a dragon and hisses and bites like a snake? Do not allow this under any circumstances!!!
5. The desire to take time for yourself is natural!
Motherhood is not a death sentence. You should not turn into a slave, subject to the whims of others and without your own freedom. Do not renounce yourself for the sake of the child, do not dissolve in the family hearth completely and completely, since in the end this will not lead to anything good. Children will grow up and begin an independent life, and you will realize that you don’t have yours. Therefore, do not stop communicating with friends, learn foreign languages, go to a sports club or dance class. Learn, improve, in general, continue to live! If you remember yourself, then those around you will never forget you.
6. Don’t make your child’s life a complete entertainment.
If you spend all day with your child, forgetting about your needs, playing with him at his level, without trying to bring him up to yours, then you will gradually turn into a favorite toy, not a mother. Games are very useful for a child’s development, but not continuous. The baby can also benefit from spending time on his own. The constant presence of the mother turns the child into a helpless creature. Don’t play with your child all day long, if only because he, just like you, gets tired of these games and needs rest or communication with his grandparents, and, in the end, with himself. Give yourself and your baby more rest. Rarer games will become even more interesting and exciting. You shouldn’t pamper your child with 24/7 attention. Constantly being with your child does not mean being a good mother. A real mother should know the limits of affection and attention, since moderation is always needed in everything.
You can either write your own.
Mother - Magic word. Everyone remembers the fairy tale film “Mama” with Lyudmila Gurchenko in the title role. For more than forty years, we have known the song as a symbol of love and tenderness, which has conquered millions of hearts.
“The first word, the main thing... Life gave... To me and to you...”
Is being a mother an art? Rather, the destiny that she carries through all the years, heart and soul, tears, worries and delight for her little blood.
Psychology of relationships between child and mother
When a baby is born, everything around changes. The world takes on new colors. But the illusion that building a relationship with a child is easy and simple quickly disappears.
A baby is like a blank book, every page of which the mother fills with love, tenderness, care and warmth. The best mother is the one who can write a decent work.
Many people wonder why one child is aggressive and merciless towards animals, while the other is generous and tactful. It all depends on the relationship between mother and baby. Of course, everyone has their own character and disposition, but mother is able to eliminate negative manifestations in behavior at the initial stage of development.
How to be a good mom
This is a difficult question, but we will try to figure it out.
When raising a child, you must adhere to three basic rules:
- Always stay calm. You shouldn’t immediately raise your voice without figuring out what the child has done. Perhaps he has his own vision of the situation, there were reasons for that. You need to deal with them with a cool head and only then carry out moral teachings.
- Put yourself in the child’s place and think about what you would do in this case.
- You need to be smart and inventive. Many educational methods can be carried out through play. The main thing is to be passionate so that the child can easily get involved in it.
A good mother is the dream of every child
We are all not perfect; we need to be able to admit the mistakes we make in raising our child. It's never too late to improve. Psychologists give some advice on how to become the best mother.
And, of course, the ideal mother is loving.
What is she like?
Every woman wants to become the best mother for her child. She tries, gives all of herself without reserve. There are also tips that will help build a trusting relationship with your baby.
They are simple:
- You should not neglect the advice of loved ones: aunts, grandmothers, mothers first of all, sisters or friends who have already succeeded as mothers. Not everyone will suit you, but you will find the ones you need, there is nothing wrong with that.
- Don't teach your baby to be quiet. Let him adapt to falling asleep when there is noise so that he can have good sleep in the future.
- Help your child get rid of fears. They haunt constantly and at any age. It is necessary to understand their nature and destroy them. For example, a child is frightened by an imaginary monster. Come up with a ritual or children's spell to drive it away. The child will stop being afraid, and if a new one appears, he will come for help because he will understand that you can cope with him.
- Family dinner. Be sure to wait for dad to get home from work and sit down to dinner together. Firstly, the child will feel your warmth, care and comfort. Secondly, this is a great opportunity to tell everyone about the events of the day, including the child. Thirdly, the baby will begin to learn the value of family and will understand that there is a place and time when everyone gathers at one table, and he can talk about his problems.
- Practice self-improvement. You need to read literature about the stages of child development so as not to set the bar too high and then be disappointed.
- Stay confident. The child will also feel it and understand that he has a reliable, strong family.
The rules are simple, but very important. They will help establish a trusting relationship with the child, instill and develop good qualities in him, such as love, tact, and mutual understanding.
Life is difficult, and no matter how it turns out, every woman dreams of giving birth and raising a healthy child from her loved one. Our days give us a new collective image of a modern woman.
What is she like?
Firstly, she deliberately postpones or does not decide to get pregnant at all. Secondly, women who give birth to their first child are getting older.
What else is it characterized by?
Let's give examples.
Actively use tools that help in raising a child. These are changing tables, baby monitors, electronic swings, walkers, various computer programs for the development and education of a child and more. All this helps save a lot of time.
Maintaining balance in career and raising a child. The modern mother strives to get to work as soon as possible in order to realize herself in life, to be independent and self-sufficient. But many maternity leave, thanks to technological innovations, are carried out with double benefit. Young mothers work remotely at home, which provides a free schedule and good additional income.
Equal distribution of responsibilities. The father also takes an active part in raising the child.
Remorse. Increasingly, a good mother is tormented by a feeling of guilt because she is trying to be the best, and it seems to her that she still does not give the child the necessary attention and care. Constantly increasing demands on oneself can be a source of depression.
Fear of losing yourself. The modern mother does not want to be confined within four walls. After all, she has interests and hobbies. A happy woman, and not a housewife killed by everyday life, can give her child more care and love.
This is all true, but you can strive for the ideal endlessly. This is constant work on yourself. You simply need to love and respect your child, because he is an individual. Hug and kiss him more often, tell him how good and smart he is, how proud his mother is of him.
Remember, a child often commits misdeeds, so there will always be another chance to improve.
A couple of mistakes will not ruin the strong, trusting bond between you and your baby.
If the situation has reached a dead end, there are specialists who can help.
Love and take care of your mothers.
