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Analysis of the situation
To begin with, it is worth first of all to figure out what caused this husband’s behavior. In other words, analyze the situation, your behavior, and your husband’s behavior. Let's look further at several possible options.
For example, a spouse may begin to hide money if his beloved does not allow him to use it as he wishes. Answer directly to yourself: why are you doing this. Yes, of course, there can be many reasons. The most common is that the husband spends money on entertainment and alcohol. This reason is compelling enough to prohibit the husband from spending money.
What to do in this situation? If your spouse has problems with alcohol, you should consult a specialist. Persuasion and requests in this case will not help. But, if your loved one needs money for simple entertainment with friends, then you can try to discuss the situation with him and explain where he may be wrong, tell him how such expenses affect the family budget. Alternatively, make a list of payments and expenses for the month. Explain to your husband exactly what you don’t have enough money for. You can also offer this option: the husband keeps all the money for himself, but at the same time he will buy a certain part of the products and things and pay half of the bills.
Stupid waste
It also happens that a spouse spends his savings on things that his beloved considers unnecessary and meaningless. Many women do not like these expenses. Constant dissatisfaction on her part can be caused by the fact that her husband begins to hide money.
Hello dear readers of the Samprosvetbyulleten blog!
“Men, woman and money are a sore subject for me. We often have quarrels over money. I try to be economical, but he thinks that I don’t let him do what he wants. He invested money twice in some risky projects and lost everything. Now he wants to invest again and convinces me that everything will be fine. In response to my convictions to be reasonable, he says that I should only spend money on rags. I experienced it. Why is he acting like this? — writes Evgeniya .
“We have had quarrels over money before. Probably, the topic of man, woman and money is relevant for many. But overall, we had . We were marrying off our daughter. There was little money for the wedding, but I really wanted to have a real celebration. The groom's parents contributed a decent amount of money to the wedding, and my husband and I had to contribute the same amount. We scraped together a little, and I borrowed the rest from my friends. I had to go into debt. It was hard. But what happened next turned my whole world upside down in one moment! In the closet where my husband’s tools were stored, and where I rarely looked, I found his “stash,” arranged in bags. This money would be enough for several weddings! It turned out that my husband hid from me that he received more and hid the money to save up for a new car for retirement! He said that in the future there would be no reason for us to go to the dacha...” writes Elena.
| Money tests the strength of relationships. |
Money affects all areas of our lives, all dreams. For example: children, new house, new job, travel, helping loved ones, self-realization. Money is not the equivalent of happiness, but it helps make dreams come true.
When a lack of finances prevents our dreams from coming true, we can feel unhappy. Some people like to blame others in such situations, for example, their significant other. Many people think that if they have more money, conflicts will stop. But finances are not always the main problem. There are wealthy people whose relationships are full of quarrels over money.
Every decision we make in a relationship involves money issues to one degree or another. If partners don’t know how to talk about money, don’t know how to negotiate and make decisions, they will constantly argue, blame each other, and hide money.
5 Languages of Money by S. and B. Palmer
Professional financial advisors Scott and Bethany Palmer believe that everyone speaks “five five money languages.” In order for partners to understand each other and be happy together, they need not only to know the Love Language of their life partner (see more about the 5 love languages), but also the “Language of Money”.
1. “Save”
There are people who hate spending money. They may feel physically ill if they have spent more than they planned. No matter how much money they have, they just enjoy saving.
A person who likes to save money will also strive to control expenses in a relationship. During the holidays, he will complain about every expense, be it gifts, groceries, or various little things.
For this type of person, it is better to discuss and plan expenses in advance. If they know that the holidays will not ruin you and there is still enough money left, they will be more relaxed about spending. Regarding gifts to such people, it is important to know that they are spending money on something useful that the person will enjoy. Buying just something is a waste of money. It is better to offer him several gift options that will bring you joy, then he will have the opportunity to choose what fits into his budget.
On vacation, a person who likes to save can be unbearable and “ruin the holiday” because he will always pay attention to prices and be nervous about expenses. He hates unexpected expenses; they can throw him off balance. Therefore, if you are going on vacation, plan not only the main expenses, but also allocate money for unforeseen expenses.
2. "Spend"
There are people who love to spend money. It doesn’t matter who they spend money on, themselves or others. If your loved one “speaks” this money language, then he will feel an adrenaline rush from every purchase and will experience guilt, anxiety and worry if he has spent too much. Such a person loves to give gifts. He begins to prepare for the holiday a month in advance, makes purchases in advance and hides the prepared gifts until solemn day. He is worried about being able to buy everything on time. During his vacation, he will be ready to buy every souvenir and will be worried that he might miss out on something.
The main problem with a spending person is that he can get into debt and then suffer from guilt. The best way discipline him and calm him down - plan everything in advance. This way he will see that he has not missed anything and at the same time will not allow himself to overspend, which will help him avoid debts and feelings of guilt.
3. "Take risks"
People who speak this language of money do not experience fear and anxiety when risking everything they have. They can easily invest money in the unfamiliar business of supplying “who knows what from Singapore.”
For a risk taker, money is an opportunity to show off your creativity and adventurous spirit. With him you must always be prepared for chaos and surprises. He loves to find new ones unusual ways spend holidays or vacations, give unusual gifts. Vacation for him is an exciting adventure. His ideas may seem stupid and impossible, although some of them can bring pleasant variety to your life.
If your partner's risky ventures are breaking his budget, you need to help him find ways to express his adventurous spirit in a more acceptable way. Because a risk-taker is actually inspired not by the amount of money spent, but by the joyful excitement and excitement of something new and unknown. His need to take risks and go on adventures is not related to the desire to spend a lot.
4. “Insure”
There are people who would rather hide money under their mattress than invest it in anything. For them, money is a means of insurance for the future. They try to provide for any possible problems in the future and protect yourself from risks. They usually worry that they don't have enough money. They spend their lives in low-grade anxiety about money, which escalates during spending times when their savings dwindle.
Insurers, like savers, can be tough when it comes to money. But what is important for them is not the amount of money spent, but the amount of money received. They will feel more at ease when they know that money is not only being spent, but is also going into their budget. Unlike those who like to save, who try to spend as little as possible, those who like to insure enjoy their purchases if they know that expenses will not disrupt their plans for the future and there will still be income.
When vacation or holiday expenses are approaching, it can be helpful to remind your partner that he has earned the right to have a good time, that pleasant memory about a vacation or holiday - this is also an investment in the future.
He also needs to know where the money will come from. Will you have to go into debt, will you need to spend something from your savings for the future, and if so, from what sources will you be able to replenish your savings later?
It may seem that the worries of the insurance lover are vain and groundless, but his fears come from a pure heart, because he is worried about future well-being. People of this type need to be helped to focus their attention on the present moment, and not just on the future.
5. “Let everything take its course”
There are people who don't think much about money. They may not even know exactly how much money is in their wallet. They spend money when they need to and save when they are reminded to do so. They have no emotional connection with money and are not stressed about it.
Because they don't plan expenses in advance, they are prone to impulsive decisions at the last minute, which can lead to overspending and problems. On vacation, they don’t plan anything, they go with the flow without experiencing stress. If you have your own preferences, it is better not to let your partner organize your leisure time and tell him about your wishes. Those who like to let things take their course can easily forget a birthday or the date of a holiday. They need to be reminded that there is an event coming up soon, otherwise they will come to their senses at the last moment. It's best to talk to them in advance and break things down to avoid unnecessary last-minute expenses.
And although people with the money language of “letting things happen” can commit thoughtless spending, they know how to live in the present moment and can teach this to their partner.
Each money language has its pros and cons. There are no right or wrong languages; their purpose is to help us understand our relationship with money. Typically, a person uses some two money languages more often than others. For example, the main language is to spend, additional to insure. A person will be willing to spend money, but will be careful, and before spending, he will study the prices and choose the most profitable ones. We can also save and take risks, spend and let everything take its course, insure and save, and so on.
Our primary language of money is not difficult to define; it is the way we most often think about and handle money. Additional languages are not so obvious; we most often use them when we are stressed about money.
Why does my husband hide money?
We think about money, we handle money in a certain way, and it may be different from the way our loved one does it. When partners speak different money languages, this can create certain problems.
People who speak a different money language may seem strange to us. For example, a person with the language of money “saving” will not be able to understand how it is possible not to know how much money you have in your account and not make savings. How can you be a shopaholic, make spontaneous purchases without planning your budget?
Imagine that the husband uses the money language of “saving”, and the wife uses “spend”. For life together different money languages create conflicts. The husband cannot realize his need to save or save. Understanding has not been reached, and in order to avoid quarrels, the husband simply begins to save money secretly from his wife.
Or vice versa, the wife wants to save and insure, and the husband wants to spend or take risks. Different attitude money leads to frequent quarrels, and the husband takes the easiest path, simply does what he wants in secret, hides part of the income, so that later he can calmly, without scandals, spend it or use it on risky enterprises.
In Elena’s case, where her husband hid savings from her for a new car, we can assume that this man’s money language is “insure.” It is important for him to make savings in order to insure the future, namely the possibility of retirement age buy a new car. Apparently, due to a misunderstanding with his wife, he found his own cunning way out, to hide his savings. For him, the cost of his daughter's wedding is not a reason to part with savings for the future, because he does not see any way to compensate for the money taken from savings.
If we understand what language our loved one speaks, we can proactively work through potential conflict areas in the relationship and avoid conflict.
Many men master the art of hiding money from their wives almost perfectly: they know how to make a “stash” that their spouse will never get to in life. The stronger half of humanity is often forced by circumstances to become such virtuosos: most women for some reason believe that the husband should not manage the “family” money - he will spend it on some nonsense, and then there will simply be no money left for mandatory payments. If a woman manages to unearth another “cache” hidden by her husband in the house, she sometimes begins to be overcome by doubts: why would the husband do such a thing? Doesn't he trust me? As a rule, lovely ladies do not notice the true reasons for such behavior. We did a little research and found out that there are three non-obvious reasons why your husband hides money from you: find out about them in our article.
Reason one: you limit your husband too much in finances
It is not entirely clear where women got the habit of taking their husband’s entire salary, but nevertheless, some women still have such an unhealthy attraction to their spouse’s finances. Even if both work, a woman can calmly deprive her husband of honestly earned money, believing that she would better use it instead of spending it on a new spinning rod, fishing gear or other supposedly unnecessary things. The only way out for a man who has unnoticed the loss of financial independence is to make small reserves of money, well known to many as “nest eggs,” and hide part of the income from his wife, who is an inspector no worse than the tax inspector. So if you expropriate your spouse’s salary every month, do not be surprised that after a while your spouse will begin to hide the money he has from you: few people can work hard, seeing the result only on the “payday” day.
Reason two: your husband is spending money on a habit that you don’t approve of.
Unfortunately, few people today do not have a couple of harmful, but extremely money-hungry habits: some can’t quit smoking, although they have already smoked, it seems, a fortune, others are not averse to taking a drink from the neck of a bottle of a famous alcoholic drink or spend your entire salary in one evening at the casino. In short, there are quite a lot of habits: even more or less harmless ones (for example, shareware online games) may require regular cash injections. The man himself may not even see anything bad in his addiction: well, just think, he relaxed in a bar with friends, bought a couple of new tanks - there must be pleasures in life? If you categorically do not share your spouse’s opinion and have already expressed your dissatisfaction a couple of times, he may well pretend that with bad habit it’s over - for your (and at the same time for yours) peace of mind. In fact, the husband can continue to spend money on his addiction, but secretly: if you control his finances to some extent, the necessary amounts will have to be hidden.
Reason three: you rarely clean
This point may seem somewhat strange or even funny to some, but in fact there are such cases: a wife who does not bother herself with frequent cleaning (and it is difficult to blame her for this if a man with a calm soul and conscience walks around in shoes only what about a washed carpet), may well take for the notorious “stash” that the cunning husband hid from his missus, a bill usually crumpled or folded, undeservedly forgotten in some not too visible place. If you don’t clean too often, this situation may well happen: the “hides” you find can easily turn out to be simply bills forgotten by your absent-minded spouse, which he crumpled in his hands shortly before losing them.
Hello, I am very grateful to Toldot consultants for their help and valuable advice. My new question concerns the family budget. I read (and thought it was correct) that husband and wife plan a budget together, especially important purchases. They also have their own personal money. There is no planning going on in our family. My husband gives me a salary, I add my salary and spend it on the household. If I need some things for the children (or, for example, gifts and organizing birthdays), I take from this general salary money. Also - for clubs for children, medicines, doctors, some little things. But my husband has some money of his own. With this money my husband buys himself the right clothes and books. This money also goes towards spending time in a restaurant with friends. Often (in my opinion) he buys and brings expensive (in my opinion) dishes in a restaurant (because he works mashgiach) - it’s convenient, of course, but... oh, how expensive! And this is where my resentment begins. I never know how much my husband has of this extra money. It’s comfortable for my husband to have some kind of reserve, I understand that. But I’m offended that I don’t know at least the approximate amount of the amount. (And he probably doesn’t know how much of this household money, he’s not really interested. But I constantly try to report the numbers to him, tell him how much was spent and on what - that is, I don’t hide it). It seems to me that if we had consulted, we could have better, more efficiently distributed our household and this additional money (for repairs, for better rest). And I also wouldn’t be amazed that he bought such an expensive dish or such an item. Secondly, it seems to me that we spend money unwisely - on something extra when we don’t have what we need. I want everything to be taken into account and planned as much as possible. I often tried to plan it with my husband, but he doesn’t want to - he says, I gave you a salary, spend it as you want (meaning “and I’ll spend mine as I want”). I don’t know whether to leave it as it is (because, of course, for him it’s a feeling of security and comfort) or if I can change something (because, really, such closeness upsets me, but I won’t take this money away). Firstly, there is a feeling that we are not very united. Secondly, against the background of the crisis, I really want to plan better and buy what I need. And another question: if a husband spends enough money on beer and cigarettes, how should he feel about this? How is it inevitable (well, since this is his favorite toy), or is it worth changing something (but what if it’s a slight addiction?) I see that the topic of money is also connected with the topic of relationships, it’s difficult to advise without knowing us. Please give me at least some general tips. Thank you very much. L
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Dear L.!
You are right, the topic of money is related to the topic of relationships. For a woman, this is her relationship with her husband, the theme of responsibility and cooperation, and for a man, the theme of money is the theme of his power, his capabilities.
Now let's move away from this a little and talk about “related areas”. It is important for any healthy man to know that he has his own personal territory, in which he is the absolute master. This could be a time, place or area in life where no one puts pressure on him, where he is alone. (And women have this need, but to a lesser extent than men). So, there are men who like to go fishing or to visit their parents - alone (wow, how nice this is for their wives), or who simply “withdraw into themselves” and become deaf to their wives’ requests and their presence. You can easily imagine how unpleasant and offensive this is for wives. Let's say more. The more wives control their husband’s actions, his time, money, hobbies, leisure, etc., the more men feel the need to “go into their own territory”...
Now let's get back to your question. Your disappointment at the inability to establish and implement mutual “transparency” and control is very understandable. A family, in our understanding, is something like a company with two directors, two accountants who must report to each other.
But if we speak seriously, like two grown women... Of course, this is unpleasant and offensive... But if he took money for his needs or expensive purchases from household money, if because of this you, God forbid, would not enough for food for the family or clothes for the children, etc. But this is not the case... Obviously, as a man, it is important for him to feel like the Master, you know? If he bought restaurant dishes with general household money, what pleasure is that for him? But he wanted to please you, pamper you, show generosity... Can this be done with money from your own salary?
Of course, you will object: I don’t need this generosity! I prefer to buy a new vacuum cleaner together!
If you look at a husband and wife as two companions, then there is nothing to argue with. But if you value the emotional component of marriage, if you value the opportunity to turn your union into the fabric of the relationship between a Man and a Woman, then allow your husband to be himself, have his own money and spend it at his own discretion. And sometimes be generous and magnanimous towards you - the Woman of his life... And you will be grateful to him as the Woman to whom you gave a gift...
Please don't be upset by what I wrote. I can imagine that this upset you... But let's think like grown women. We cannot cancel a man’s need for his territory, right? The desire to have your own money is also impossible to cancel... But what can you do? Turn this into the fabric of relationships that will bring not discord to the family, but harmony and even more...
You may not agree with everything in this book, and that's okay, but the general approach will undoubtedly interest you.
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