Causes and characteristics of childhood jealousy. What should parents do? Why is a child jealous and how to deal with different types of childhood jealousy

The birth of the second baby - a big joy for parents and considerable stress for the older child. Often he begins to be capricious, stubborn, and demand increased attention. And the firstborn can be understood, because now he has to share parental care with his brother or sister. How to prevent childhood jealousy or at least smooth out its manifestation in relation to younger children?

Signs of childhood jealousy

Psychologists are sure that the eldest child experiences a kind of “dethronement” when another baby appears in the family. And indeed, now it is necessary to share toys, one’s own “living space” and, most importantly, mother’s love.

Sometimes jealousy of the younger child is obvious - older children take away dolls and cars and say that they do not like the new family member. But often the little cunning ones do not show much hostility towards the baby, and only attentive parents will be able to notice signs of jealousy in the behavior of the first-born.

1. Due to strong experiences, particularly sensitive children may develop nervous reactions such as stuttering and tics.
2. Difficulty falling asleep, restless sleep, waking up frequently throughout the night, fear of the dark, which is associated with a feeling of loneliness.
3. Frequent hysterics are alarming, especially if they have never happened before.
4. The baby refuses previously favorite activities: walking outside, reading fairy tales, watching cartoons, visiting kindergarten.
5. Two- to three-year-old children often experience regression of acquired skills and abilities - children start again and refuse to go to the potty.

Why are older children jealous of younger ones?

Before you understand how to smooth out the manifestation of childhood jealousy, you should determine the factors that contribute to the emergence of this feeling.

• Too little or too much age difference between children. In the first case (the difference is 2-3 years), the older child himself needs care and, of course, his mother’s care and love. The greater the difference, the more acutely he begins to feel the anxiety and uncertainty that arise with the appearance of a baby.
• Children's egocentrism. Older children, accustomed to the whole world spinning around them, consider themselves the best and indispensable for their mothers and fathers. The appearance of a second child in a family is often perceived by them as a real betrayal. Hence the negative emotions and protest.
• The children are of the same sex or the eldest is a boy. It is believed that rivalry between same-sex children is especially strong. Psychologists are also confident that it is much easier to involve a girl in caring for a newborn due to her innate maternal instinct and need to care for younger ones.
• Insufficient attention from parents. The baby is jealous of his mother and father, who spend all their strength and free time on the newborn baby.
• Parental mistakes. Sometimes adults are indifferent to what happens between children. It happens that the elder is moved to another room or even sent to the grandmother, without asking his wishes.
• Changing mode. Sometimes parents change the usual daily routine of older children, adjusting it to the regime that is convenient for infants. It is not surprising that such a step can cause jealousy towards a younger child.

Scroll possible reasons is far from exhaustive, however, from it we can conclude that much in the problem of childhood jealousy depends on the correct behavior of parents and their attitude towards their children.

How to avoid jealousy - expecting a baby together

• Emphasize all the benefits of having a baby when talking to your older child. Tell them that in the future they will be able to go to the park together and play on the playground. In general, create pleasant associations with the birth of your second baby.
• However, do not get carried away with describing the many advantages and warn your child in advance that the newborn will not be able to immediately ride a bike with him or play with dolls. Explain to the child that at first it is necessary to take care of the younger one, teach him everything that he can do himself.
• All innovations and changes in children's life should be carried out before the birth of the second child. , adaptation to kindergarten ( ), moving to a separate room should not make the baby feel like he is being cut off from his mother due to the arrival of a new family member.
• The firstborn will be able to feel involved in important event, if you involve him in buying a crib, rattles, stroller and clothes for the baby. Ask your little one to help choose a name, choose a gift together and draw beautiful picture for a newborn.

The appearance of a youngest child in the house

The first months after the birth of a second baby are perhaps the most difficult for a mother. She is completely occupied with the newborn and may miss the moment of jealousy in the older one. How to prevent this problem?

Note to moms!

Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me too, and I’ll also write about it))) But there’s nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too...

If you have been unable to avoid childhood jealousy, and the relationship between the kids is only getting worse, it’s time to take control of the situation into your own hands.

1. Try to show equal affection to both children. The same applies to other relatives. Jealousy can intensify several times if relatives stop noticing the first-born, turning all their attention to the baby. Have an appropriate conversation with your close circle.
2. Remind your older child that the youngest member of the family loves him and is attracted to him much more than the others. Emphasize the closeness of the children every time so as not to leave any chance for rivalry.
3. If a conflict situation arises, do not immediately take the side of the younger child. Be sure to find out the reasons for the quarrel. If the scandal occurred over a toy, try to find a use for it so that the kids can play together with the doll or car.
4. Three-year-old children begin to consider themselves full owners of toys, cribs, etc. Therefore, do not force your older child to share his property. Leave him the right to play separately and do not impose each other’s company on the little ones.
5. In the process of caring for a newborn, do not forget a simple rule for all family members and relatives - give gifts to both children. Jealousy towards the younger one will intensify many times over if the older child is deprived of purchases and new things.
6. Don't get annoyed if your older child refuses to help you or does something wrong. Any careless word addressed to him can cause anger and increase hostility towards the baby.
7. Remember that if there are excessive manifestations of jealousy, you should not leave children without parental supervision. Young children do not always know how to control their anger, and a younger child can be seriously injured by an older one.
8. Often, as children grow up, their interests diverge more and more, so it is worth enrolling them in different clubs, taking into account their preferences and desires. Having achieved impressive results in various fields of activity, they will no longer feel like rivals.

And another one important recommendation– maintain a balance in your relationship with your children, do not single out one of them, try not to compare them with each other. Remember to spend more time together, but don't interfere if they get along great and play well together. In this case, you will be more likely to cope with childhood jealousy and avoid problems associated with it.

What to do when a child is jealous of parents towards each other? Specifically - dad in mom. If previously this was rare and funny, at the age of 1.8 it became a problem! We never hugged or felt sorry for each other in front of our son (now I understand that this is wrong). Now when my husband hugs me, he runs up, cries, and pushes his hand away. Today my boys came home from a walk with a bouquet. As soon as my husband gave it to me, my son again burst into tears and took the bouquet away!
Moreover, the son is not deprived of attention and affection, and he himself is growing affectionate. But how can these actions be explained?

User responses

The fact is that a child up to 2.5 - 3 years old is fused with his mother, the mother is, as it were, a part of him. And he perceives dad’s actions as an encroachment on his part, on “mine.” My child drove my dad away from me, cried, shouted: “My mom!!!” This is normal and it passes. The main thing is not to scold or criticize the child. Try to pay less attention to such manifestations. Try saying: “And our dad!”, “We are all together,” hug the three of you. If a child is very worried, take him in your arms, feel sorry for him, say nice things. It is important that dad does not compete and fight with his son for his mother (after all, it is clear to adults that mom is dad’s wife, but it is too early for a child to understand this, while mom is “mine”). This is temporary, the separation of the child from the mother will happen - the children grow.

This is a fairly common occurrence. You just need to survive such jealousy, maybe even try to pay a little less attention to your mom for a while, and to your son, on the contrary, a little more. Then everything will fall into place.

On the street, pay your son's attention to hugging couples. And also let grandparents hug more often for clarity. It is clear that for now the child has a sense of ownership towards his mother, but this just needs to wait out - socialization (increasing the number of friends, kindergarten) will lead to harmony.

The fact of the matter is that you are paying too much attention to the child. He's just not used to sharing you with someone. First, try to agree with your child that you will devote some time (let it be half an hour or an hour) to yourself, and he will not disturb you. Let him get used to the idea that you are not his property. Well, then you can agree on time for dad.

Read in this article:

Each of us, to one degree or another, is familiar with the complex, contradictory and unpleasant feeling that appears and manifests itself in us in relation to the people closest to us, the most valuable to us. This is a feeling of jealousy. It often arises unexpectedly for ourselves; the most insignificant things can provoke it. Jealousy is not an emotion, that is, it does not become a reaction to a situation. This is precisely a feeling, a kind of marker of attitude towards a person whom we are afraid of losing, an unwillingness to share him with anyone or anything. Jealousy becomes a source of anxiety and fear, and self-doubt. And the most unpleasant thing is that it affects not only men and women, but even children. Yes, yes, there is also childhood jealousy, and the reasons for its appearance are the same as in adults: lack of love, attention from a loved one, fear of losing him.

How is childhood jealousy recognized and what to do to prevent its occurrence, and if this has already happened, then how to rid the child of this negative and painful feeling, instill in him confidence in himself and that he is still loved? Not only parents, but also teachers and psychologists have been looking for answers to these and many other questions for several generations. Let's try to find them, you and I.

Childhood jealousy - what is it?

The reasons that cause jealousy in children are most often the same as in adults. This feeling can be defined primarily as a reluctance to share a loved one with anyone or anything. A child may be jealous of you for the most unexpected things - work, car or computer. Anything that takes away your attention or your child's time can become a source of jealousy. For example, in the story “Thorn Tree” by the wonderful writer Dina Rubina, a boy is jealous of his mother for the typewriter on which she works. Childhood jealousy tends to personify everything that separates and distances the child from his loved one.

A child's jealousy can manifest itself in very different ways. For some, disobedience or aggression towards adults will be a form of expression of protest; it will simply be impossible to force a child to obey, he will pointedly ignore both persuasion and requests.

Someone, on the contrary, demonstrates to their parents in every available way their helplessness and impossibility of doing without them. A preschool child suddenly “forgets how” to do things that he was already good at: using the potty, dressing independently, demanding increased attention to himself in almost any situation and behaving as if he were several years younger.

Manifestations of jealousy can also take forms that are more alarming for parents. If the child suddenly lost his appetite, although nothing like this had happened before, or colds, which were previously rare in your home, suddenly began to appear in the baby almost without a break - all this may turn out to be nothing more than jealousy on the part of the child. The need for parental attention is so strong that the child’s body begins to require it physiologically. In medicine, this phenomenon, when a psychological state is reflected in a physical state, is called psychosomatics.

In a teenager, jealousy can manifest itself in isolation, an emphatically harsh reaction to any most harmless remark from parents. Difficulties are complicated by adolescence, in which adolescents become very emotional, and the combination of these two factors can give rise to a truly “explosive mixture.”

Causes of jealousy in children

The main problems and situations that can cause feelings of jealousy in a child are similar to similar problems in adults. There are several most common situations in which a child becomes jealous:

1. New baby. First of all, this is the appearance of a new person in the child’s family, who suddenly becomes a competitor for parental attention. This could be the birth of a younger brother or sister, which almost all children greet with attacks of jealousy.

2. Jealousy of parents. This is a period that characterizes one of the stages of a child’s growing up. Such jealousy is associated with gender self-determination and self-awareness of the little person as an individual. A boy may begin to be a little jealous of his mother towards his father, and vice versa, a girl may become jealous of her father towards her mother.

3. The appearance of a stepmother or stepfather. If the child's parents are divorced and the mother or father is trying to build a new relationship with another person, the child may also perceive him as a threat to himself. A person bursts into the child’s familiar world, already transformed by the parents’ divorce, who should not have been there in the first place. Naturally, a small person will consciously or at the subconscious level resist such an invasion.

If the first point is generally clear, then I would like to dwell on the second and third in more detail. The phrase “jealousy of parents” sounds strange at first glance, but don’t let that scare you. This is an absolutely natural stage of a child’s growing up. It occurs between 2 and 5 years. At this age, children begin to associate themselves with a specific gender and build for themselves a model of intergender relationships, the main example of which is the family. During this period, a boy can voice thoughts like “When I grow up, I’ll marry my mother,” and the girl turns into a real “ daddy's daughter", openly competing with the mother for the attention of the father. In such a situation, there is no need to push away the child with his manifestations of “romantic feelings,” but at the same time, parents should gently explain that the relationship between mom and dad and their attitude towards the baby are slightly different things. Subconsciously, the child craves precisely this correct arrangement of roles, which will help him form for himself a model of his own future family.

Child and second marriage of parents

The birth of a child today, sadly, is not a guarantee of protection from divorce. But since life does not end with divorce, after some time a new person appears in the life of the child’s parents with whom they want to build a relationship, and perhaps try to build a family again. But the question immediately arises: how to present this news to a child, how to introduce your chosen one, so that he becomes, if not family, then at least a friend to the child?

It is better to start getting acquainted with these two important and close people from afar. First, tell them about each other. It is easier for children to accept someone they have at least heard about. But you don’t need to immediately position the new person as your chosen one; choose some neutral characteristic, position him as a friend or acquaintance.

It is better to conduct the acquaintance itself on neutral territory. For example, everyone should go for a walk in the park together. All children are afraid of change to one degree or another, so immediately confront your child with the fact that you have new serious relationship, no need. Let two people dear to you become friends gradually, preferably before they start living together. Gradual changes will allow the baby to adapt better without creating a feeling of threat to his familiar world. By your behavior, you must let your child understand that even after a third person appeared in your family, you did not devote less time to him or love him less. After your loved one and your child become friends, do not hesitate to give them some common tasks, even the simplest ones: read a book or go wash your hands. This will accustom the child to the idea that the new adult in the family is directly involved in his life.

Do not under any circumstances try to compare your new partner with your ex in front of your child. Such comparisons, no matter in whose favor they are directed, will not bring anything good. The child should know that both parents love him, no matter what their personal relationship is, and he should not try to substitute concepts even with the best intentions. If the baby wants, he will, on his own initiative, call your beloved “dad,” and there is no need to rush things. Let the child feel loved and needed, and then no changes can destroy your mutual trust with him.

New addition to the family: how to present this to a child?

And yet, the main of the above reasons for childhood jealousy is the appearance of a baby in the family. The familiar world of the family changes radically and irrevocably, and these changes cannot but affect the eldest child. On the contrary, they affect him almost more than the rest of the family. Even the most caring parents are not immune from the fact that instead of the joy of the arrival of the long-awaited second child, the jealousy of their first-born falls on the happy mom and dad like a sea storm.

It’s better to start preparing your child for the idea of ​​a brother or sister in advance. Tell them that at first, when the baby is very small, he knows almost nothing, but then, when he grows up, they will be able to play together. After the baby arrives, try to organize your life so that this event has as little impact as possible on the daily routine and rhythm of life of the older child. Under no circumstances should he feel unwanted or deprived. Ask aunts and grandparents to help with the baby while you pay attention to your firstborn: a walk, a fairy tale read out loud, and just a strong hug will greatly help the child during this difficult period.

“Mom, let’s take the baby back to the maternity hospital!” Such a reaction may seem inadequate to parents and, to some extent, frighten them. But this is far from true. Young children are very emotional, and therefore sincere in such statements. Try to look at the current situation through the eyes of a child. His familiar world has changed unimaginably, many incomprehensible words, events, sounds and smells have appeared in it, and the most incomprehensible thing is that another child has appeared! Naturally, it will be difficult for the elder to control his emotions, it will be difficult even to realize their nature and accept them as something of his own. And the task of the parents at this moment is not to punish, shame or scold in any way, but to allow them to speak out and, if possible, make it clear to the child that his emotions are not something that will cause rejection from his parents, that he will always be heard, will understand and accept. This will allow the baby to accept his own feelings, and in the future he will willingly share them with you, both negative and positive. But the possibility of dialogue, the readiness for it on the part of the child is the key to his mutual understanding with his family and, accordingly, harmonious relationships in the family.

Senior and junior: relationships between children

Regardless of the age difference, relationships between children in a family can be built very differently. But conflicts are inevitable in any case, and the main pedagogical task that falls on the shoulders of parents is to extinguish children’s disagreements before they reach the scale of a forest fire. What should we do for this?

First and foremost important rule- forget once and for all that the eldest child owes something to someone only because of his age. Of course, mothers and fathers really want the older child to show care and attention to the baby. But this desire may, firstly, not coincide with the desire of the child himself. And secondly, responsibility cannot be imposed artificially. Or rather, it can be imposed, but what consequences will this lead to? A child who is always responsible not only for himself, but also for his younger brother or sister, involuntarily begins to perceive this as obvious competition and feels deprived of parental attention. Of course, it is impossible to treat two different children exactly the same, and many parents may form their attitude unconsciously, taking into account many side factors. A clear preference for one of them, no matter whether he is youngest child, of a different gender, more sickly, and so on, with one hundred percent probability will ruin the relationship between children. Brothers and sisters will begin to perceive each other as rivals in the struggle for parental love.

Parenting is not easy work. And to achieve success in this daily work, it is worth learning such a quality as empathy. Try to look at your family through the eyes of each child in it, and you will see many new and unexpected things. Another good advice: If possible, remember your childhood, everything that you missed in your relationships with your family. And compare your memories with how your family lives. Such a critical analysis will help determine in what direction we need to work so that everyone together - both parents and children - can learn care, mutual assistance and understanding.

For those who are interested in pedagogy or are simply looking for useful tips, it is worth paying attention to the book by two foreign writers and mothers Eileen Mazlish and Adele Faber “How to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk.” This is a generalized parental experience of many, many families, presented in a simple and accessible form. There you will find many examples of how to resolve conflicts between brothers and sisters, how to behave in a difficult situation of manifestations of children's jealousy towards each other. All the proposed tips are very easy to test in practice, they are uncomplicated and have one undeniable advantage, tested in practice by many grateful parents - they work!

Despite the ambiguous attitude towards him among parents, Dr. Benjamin Spock, the author of a number of books on child care and upbringing, also deserves attention. In particular, he authored the book “Child and Child Care,” in which the topic of childhood jealousy is discussed in some detail. Among well-known scientists and specialists in child psychology, the works of such a child psychologist as the Czech scientist Josef Svancar will be interesting. His work is more highly specialized, but knowing the basics of children’s perception of reality will help parents better understand their child, help him develop in harmony with his family, with himself and with the entire world around him.

Where does childhood jealousy come from and how does it develop? How to tell if a child is jealous. Ways to deal with jealousy towards a younger child, one of the parents, stepfather or stepmother.

The content of the article:

Childhood jealousy is a phenomenon familiar to almost everyone since childhood. Jealous behavior towards younger sisters or brothers, friends, one of the parents or grandparents is a manifestation of the fear of not receiving enough attention from the object of jealousy. First we experience it ourselves, as children, then we encounter the problem with our children, as parents.

The mechanism of development of childhood jealousy

One way or another, the arrival of a new family member disrupts the usual pattern of life. Including the life of the firstborn or a child who now has both parents. And it’s not so much a matter of changing the daily routine or everyday nuances. Most often, children's jealousy in the family develops as a result of a change in priorities - now our hero is not in the spotlight, he has a competitor.

And if the child is not prepared in advance for such a situation, his first reaction will be bewilderment. He cannot understand why the new family member is better than him, why he is given so much attention. The unresolved problem of adaptation to new conditions can transform bewilderment into non-acceptance, which in turn will push the baby into a struggle for attention, which can manifest itself in different ways - from unconscious and harmless pranks to conscious disgusting behavior.

Important! If you don’t confront your child with a fact, but spend time with him preparatory work- the mechanism of childhood jealousy may not start.

Reasons for the development of childhood jealousy

External causes of childhood jealousy include all changes that occur in the life or composition of the child’s family that shift his authority. This could be the birth of a baby, the beginning life together mothers with a “new” father or, conversely, the appearance of new students in a group or class, new friends in the company. More capable or brighter. If a child is very attached to his grandparents, the arrival of other grandchildren may force him to change his behavior.

The baby experiences the appearance of new (step) brothers or sisters very hard when his mother or father creates new family with a man who has children of his own. And it is not a fact that this new object is really better and receives more attention. But it is difficult for a child to see and understand this on his own.

Another external factor that has become increasingly important lately is work. It is very difficult for children to realize that their parents spend much more time on this incomprehensible “work” than they do.

The main internal causes of childhood jealousy are as follows:

• Egocentrism. This position is typical for children under the age of 10-12 years, when they quite sincerely consider themselves the center of the Universe. Therefore, the child positions any “newcomer” in the family or company as a replacement for himself, expressing this with negative emotions and protests. He is not ready and does not want to share with someone the attention, love, authority that was previously intended only for him.
• Responsiveness. Children often react with jealous behavior to a lack of attention, considering it an unfair attitude. In the family - when most of the child’s requests are postponed or ignored due to busyness (younger child, new relationship, work). His desires are postponed or not fulfilled at all, and he hears the words “wait”, “later”, “not now” more and more often. This causes him justified indignation, because he is also worthy of attention. A feeling of unfair treatment can also be caused by situations in the company of friends, when a child is openly taken advantage of. For example, they invite him to play only because of toys or a bicycle, they pay attention only when he appears new toy. Or clothes, a gadget - if we are talking about schoolchildren.
• Unpreparedness for responsibility. This reason is more typical for the situation when a child becomes an older brother or older sister. The title of “seniority” is rarely perceived by children as a reward or privilege. More like additional responsibility and responsibilities instead of the extra attention they so need.
• Inability to express feelings. Children who are unable to express feelings of love and affection in normal ways ( kind words, “hugs”, etc.), they use the technique for this: “He is jealous - that means he loves.” And, remaining alone or out of sight of parents (friends), they attract attention with insults and defiant behavior.
• Increased anxiety. A child who doubts himself, that he is loved, that he is worthy of love, is in constant anxiety. In all events, the baby is looking for his guilt: a brother was born, a friend didn’t go out for a walk, grandma didn’t come to visit, he will come up with a lot of explanations. Far from the truth, but necessarily associated with him, with his (imaginary) shortcomings. And here you need to remember that the child will not become anxious on his own - these are gaps in upbringing. This can be caused by the duality of parents’ demands: for example, today curiosity is good and educational, tomorrow it is bad and annoying.
• Creation of competitive conditions. Certain parenting tactics when competition is created between children can instill in a child a feeling of jealousy towards a brother or sister. The first to eat soup is to get candy, the first to put away the toys is to go for a walk outside, the first to learn homework is to watch a cartoon or play on the computer, etc. Or the opposite approach: if you didn’t eat the soup, you were left without sweets, if you didn’t put away the toys, you were left without them, etc. Such identification of one child as “good” by any means gives the status of “bad” to another. And it disrupts the relationship between children. Sometimes for life.
• Feeling helpless. It happens that the roots of childhood jealousy grow from a simple feeling that the child is unable to influence the situation. He looks at his competitor (new friend, new dad or mom, little brother or sister, cousin or sister) and cannot understand why he is better. At the same time, he cannot justify this and somehow influence the choice of a person important to him. He feels powerless and therefore gets angry. Due to the same egocentrism, not understanding that love can be different - for children, for soul mates, for parents, for friends, and therefore - independent and completely compatible.

The main signs of childhood jealousy

Obvious manifestations of jealousy in children include the following behavioral reactions:

1. Aggressiveness. The most common form of expressing your “ardent” feelings towards a competitor. This can be physical impact (if it concerns the “children’s” category) - fights, the desire to pinch, push, take something away. In general, it will hurt. Or emotional pressure - insults, teasing, calling names, the desire to slander, persuade someone to do something bad, set them up. Or both methods together.
2. Hyperactivity. Excessive activity of the child, which has not been observed before, should also alert vigilant parents. A pet that has been pushed off its pedestal changes its tactics of behavior as compensation for the feeling of uselessness. At the same time, the newly minted “live” not only does not want to calm down, but also refuses to eat, nap, or recently enjoy favorite activities (walks, toys, meetings with friends or family, playing with a pet, etc.). He is moody and cannot concentrate on one activity.
3. Neurotic reactions. In very sensitive children, the response to a jealous attitude to a change in their status in the family or company may not be behavior, but the reaction of the nervous system. For example, hysteria, stuttering, nervous tics.

• Anxiety. Negativity, resentment, and misunderstanding accumulated and pent up inside still break out, despite the outwardly calm child. These may be sleep problems - restless, interrupted sleep, difficulty waking up or getting up. The digestive system can also react - with poor appetite, digestive disorders, and a change in taste preferences. The psyche also gets involved, bringing back old fears and inventing new ones. School performance may also suffer.
• Change of mood. A clear sign that a child is experiencing a stressful situation is a change in his emotional behavior. If a previously cheerful and active baby suddenly becomes sad, passive and whiny, this is a hidden urge that he needs help and attention.
• Departure from independence. Very often, older children begin to consciously “unlearn” and “not be able” to do what they did independently before the arrival of a new family member. Children's performance about the world tells him that if he becomes like the baby to whom his mother now pays so much attention, then she will devote the same amount of time to him.
• Deterioration of health. Internal experiences can also affect the child’s health - he may get sick more often colds or suffer from exacerbations of chronic diseases for no apparent reason. Or he may use simulation or trauma to attract attention.

Important! A child’s jealousy is his emotions, experiences that he can take with him throughout the world. adult life, thereby greatly complicating it. Therefore, it should not go unnoticed.

How to deal with childhood jealousy

Most effective method return the child “to the family” - restore his confidence that he is still needed and loved. You can do this most different ways depending on why he is jealous and how he shows it.

How to deal with childhood jealousy towards a younger child

1. Prevention. To ensure that children's jealousy at the birth of a second child is minimal or does not arise at all, you can use the method of preparing the first-born for joining the family. To do this, initiate him into the mysteries of the development of the future baby (without fanaticism), let him stroke his belly, listen to him kick, talk to him. Patiently explain why the pregnant mother can no longer play so actively and hold her first child in her arms. Show your child photos and videos of him when he was still a baby. Try not to imply that the older one will have more fun with the younger one. Children have a poorly developed concept of time - it is difficult for them to realize what will happen someday. Therefore, a helpless baby born can be a disappointment for an older brother or sister who was counting on a full-fledged play partner. To avoid such a reaction, tell your first-born that he, too, was little, did not know how to do anything, but learned over time. But he didn’t have such a good older brother (sister) who would help him learn everything faster and more fun. Invite or go to visit a family that already has a baby - let the child see for himself how touching and funny he is. Special attention devote time to preparing your firstborn for the fact that the mother will be absent for several days (during her stay in the maternity hospital).
2. Quality of communication. Naturally, with the birth of the baby, neither father nor mother will be able to devote the same amount of time to the first-born as was given to him before. Therefore, try to translate quantity into quality. To cope with childhood jealousy, set aside a certain time period - “older child time”, when nothing and no one will interfere with your communication. Let it be half an hour a day, but all this time mom will only be with him. That is, make it a ritual. It is better if this time is before bedtime - during this period children are more receptive and open. Communication at this time should be as pleasant and confidential as possible. You can build it in different ways: it can be a fairy tale, reading books or discussing the past day. In the latter case, make it a rule not to compare the behavior of the older one with other children, especially with the younger one. Help analyze his behavior and find optimal ways to resolve certain situations. If possible, maintain your daily routine and existing rituals as much as possible.
3. A realistic look at the role of an older child. The main task of parents is to make their firstborn an assistant, not a nanny. This is especially true for children with a small age difference. Therefore, involve the elder in helping to care for the baby adequately, taking into account his real capabilities and desires. Entrust him with little things that are insignificant for you (choose socks or a hat for a walk, roll the stroller a little, shake a rattle, bring a bottle, etc.), presenting them to him as a very responsible task that you cannot cope with without his help. And be sure to reward initiative and help so that the first-born feels important and needed.
4. Ability to listen and explain. Take time to listen carefully to your firstborn and his feelings towards the current situation. Convey to him what you see, what is happening to him, and you understand why. If the child does not make contact, you can use the active listening method. That is, say all his feelings out loud. Even if he still doesn’t speak, he will hear you and understand the sensations you voiced. Using the same method, direct his feelings in the right direction - his parents still love and appreciate him, no matter what.
5. Benefits of "seniority". Remind that the firstborn has not only certain responsibilities to younger brother or sister, but also advantages. For example, eating ice cream, watching cartoons, playing on the computer, running, jumping, etc. Just don't overdo it so you don't get the opposite result. In the presence of your first-born, try to talk about the baby not as your son (daughter), but as his brother (sister), focusing on how good he (she) is. This way, the older child will gradually develop a sense of pride that he has a super brother or sister. Which means he too is super.
6. Suppression of aggression. Monitor the behavior of both children, not allowing them to offend each other. It is especially important not to give a discount to a younger person because of his age - he also needs to be explained that it is not good to offend an older person. Do not punish or reward one child at the expense of another - find compromises. Then children will not compete with each other and will learn to sincerely enjoy each other’s successes.

How to deal with childhood jealousy towards one of the parents

Here are a few ways to respond to children's jealousy towards one of their parents:

• Belief. Try to explain to your child that love for him and love for his husband (wife) are different feelings. They do not replace each other and can coexist perfectly. And you have enough love and attention for everyone.
• Compromise. If a child shows aggression or is capricious when you pay attention to your spouse, do not remove your husband. Do not let your child understand that he is more important. In a family, everyone is equal and everyone deserves love and love equally. good attitude. Try to involve the jealous person in joint actions: your husband wants to kiss you, and the child, seeing this, becomes hysterical - offer to kiss you together; If you want to lie down with your husband on the sofa, and the baby desperately climbs between you, let him in with joy and watch a cartoon or read a book together. Involve dad in the process - let him remind you in moments of childhood jealousy that he loves both mother and child.
• Abstraction. In a situation where no persuasion or tricks work, and the child cannot calm down, create a comfort zone for him. Come up to him, hug him, kiss him, play with him. If necessary, take him to another room. And only when you see that the baby’s emotional position has changed, can you carefully talk to him about what happened.

How to deal with childhood jealousy towards a new dad or mom

To soften it, use several psychological techniques:

1. Preparation. You need to prepare your child not only for the arrival of a younger child, but also for the fact that a new adult will live with him. To do this, they need to be given time to get to know and get used to each other. Most The best way To achieve this, organize periodic meetings. First, on your territory with a mandatory warning about this to the child. Then, when your child gets used to the new dad, you can expand the area of ​​communication by going to the park, circus, cinema, skating rink or outdoor recreation. A very effective tactical step during such an event would be to leave the future stepfather and the child alone for a few minutes. That is, give them the opportunity to communicate without an intermediary and gain more trust. The next stage will be partial relocation, when the man sometimes stays overnight after spending the day with you and your child. And only after this, if the child does not object or even suggests it himself, invite your man to live with you on permanent terms.
2. Authority. Even if your child is prepared and has accepted his new chosen one, this is not a reason to “relax,” especially if you have a boy. Although girls also do not easily accept replacements for their dear mother. Now the main thing for a new husband or wife should be gaining authority with your child. And this should not be unquestioning submission only according to age gradation - children must obey adults. Dad or mom are not just adults. This is higher - an authority, a role model. To achieve such a “title” in the eyes of an adopted child, you need a little: to fulfill what is promised, to be able to explain the cause-and-effect relationships of certain actions, to adhere to the rules introduced, to be sincerely interested in his life, experiences, hobbies, to be able to support him even in the event of failures and mistakes.
3. Neutrality. Make it a rule not to interfere with the child’s feelings towards the new chosen one. Convince him that the new dad is not taking anyone's place - he will have his own. And not only you, but also your child needs it, because it can become good friend, protector, assistant. And you have enough time for everyone. But don’t ignore situations when a child tries to point out that their stepfather is wrong. Find out, but neutrally, without taking sides.
4. Communication. No matter how much a wave of new feelings overwhelms you, do not leave your child alone. Try to give your new husband or wife attention without harming him. Until the situation in the family stabilizes, the baby takes very hard your attempts to be alone, especially outside the home. He perceives this as detachment and considers himself superfluous, unnecessary. And in this case one cannot expect much love for the stepfather.

Important! No matter how excited you are about your new relationship, you can’t forget about motherhood. Now you are not just a woman, but a mother. And this is primary.

You can often notice how a two-year-old child, when approaching the mother of another child or another family member, begins to push away the “competitor” and climbs into his mother’s arms. Indeed, most children aged six months to three years are jealous of their mother, father, brothers and sisters, and guests. That is, to everyone who comes close to mom. In this way, children defend their right to have maternal attention.

Mom is the most important object that gives care, love, and security. Up to a certain point, the mother is part of the child, he includes her within the boundaries of his “I”. Any attempt on maternal attention from the outside seems to violate the child’s boundaries and deprive him of a sense of security. This, in turn, causes a feeling of anxiety, discomfort, fear, as well as a desire to defend “one’s territory.” The result is screaming and tears.

Closer to three years, the child develops an awareness of his “I”. The child becomes aware of his desires and needs and learns to consciously achieve his goals. Now jealousy towards your mother can turn into manipulation. Often a mother is pleased that her baby is jealous, and she unconsciously reinforces the child’s reaction.

The child learns to get what he wants by manipulating his mother’s feelings.

Children need their parents to teach them the correct reactions. By teaching your child the correct response, you:

• help him form the boundaries of his “I”, excluding his mother from them;
• teach him socially acceptable reactions in similar situations;
• learn to manage emotions.

For example, let’s take a standard situation of childhood jealousy: a husband hugs his wife in a conversation, at this time a little son runs up and starts hitting dad with his fists, shouting: “This is my mother!”, followed by a stormy scene with tears.

Wrong reaction #1

The mother picks up the “jealous man” in her arms, kisses him and says: “This is how my son loves me!”, pushing her husband away.

Wrong reaction #2

The mother moves away from her husband, saying: “See how the child reacts, don’t touch me!” She may even raise her voice at her husband, implying that he has become the source of the child’s bad mood.

Wrong reaction #3

Mom spanks her son, yells at him, sends him to another room, or punishes him. Or, as an option, parents simply ignore the presence and hysterics of the child.

In the first two cases, the child achieved the desired result, received positive reinforcement, i.e., reinforced the incorrect behavior. This reaction will subsequently spread not only to the mother, but also to other objects that the child will possess. In the future, he will also build relationships with loved ones incorrectly.

In the third situation, the child is rejected, which causes a feeling of uselessness, self-doubt, and anxiety. Such a reaction can lead to the child becoming afraid of possessing something, he will have a low level of aspirations, a lack of determination and self-confidence.

Correct reaction

Dad and mom together (hugging) turn to the child and hug him. Mom affectionately says that she loves both her son and her dad equally and she belongs to both the child and the father. After the child has calmed down, the three of us can play some game together. fun game. A child included in the community of parents experiences jealousy much weaker; it is not so destructive. Moreover, in the triad “mother-father-child” the boundaries of the “I” are built faster. The child feels a better connection with his father, which is also necessary for the formation of a healthy personality.