Why do men come back? About exes

At a bus stop, a woman of about 35 complained to a friend about her disgusted husband - and he was of no use to the family, and she could no longer see him. She would have divorced a long time ago, but she endures it only for the sake of the child - let him have a father.

“It’s still worse for a child in such a family,” her interlocutor interjected authoritatively. - It's better to get a divorce.

“Come on, you need to justify your selfishness with this,” a woman of about 50 standing nearby intervened in the conversation. “It’s definitely better for a child when both parents are nearby.”

Mom minus dad

- Marina, is it necessary to save the family for the sake of the child or not?

In general, the short answer here is that it’s not worth it. Because the atmosphere in the family affects everyone, including the child. Therefore, if you cannot live with each other, you suffer yourself and you torture your partner, then this relationship is painful for everyone. Everyone suffers - both children and adults.

Often the child takes the blame for the fact that the parents quarrel and considers himself to blame. Often the parents themselves provoke this feeling of guilt in him, taking it out on the child - they live and suffer with each other for his sake. And even if it is not said out loud, the child reads these non-verbal messages.

As a result, life in the family turns into hell. And it’s even harder for children in hell.

However, any child, even if his parents argue constantly, upon learning that they are going to divorce, will still beg not to do this. After all, by and large, any child is better and calmer when both parents are nearby.

You as parents are still forever connected through the child. And when people break up, they break up as a man and a woman, and not as a father and mother. And, of course, divorce is not a reason to abandon a child and his upbringing. It is important to build a new relationship with both your ex-partner and your child so that both participate in his upbringing.

But sometimes this is very difficult to do. Most of us get divorced when they can no longer see each other. And they continue to maintain this reluctance to see each other in the future, and therefore do not maintain any relationship. Many mothers do not allow their ex-husbands to see their children at all. What kind of co-parenting is that...

Yes, indeed, a child is often used as a tool to take revenge on her husband. But in such a family, even without divorce, relationships are painful. There are many games played there that are destructive to the child’s psyche.
But children absorb everything like a sponge and learn to build relationships from your example. And if you are unhappy, then your children will build the same painful relationships in the future.
It seems to us that if we maintain the appearance of a family, then it will be easier for the child to build a family. But actually it is not. Because if the family has turned into hell, then the child adult life then only hell can reproduce.

Hear yourself

Divorce is a chance to meet another person and build a happier life with him. And if the mother is happier in the new family, and the child sees that it is possible to build a happy relationship, then he will also have a chance. The child is happy when the mother is happy.

But in fact, many parents live together not only for the sake of the child. They just hide behind them, but in reality they live together for their own sake. And a child is such a screen. And he feels it again. Because parents shift responsibility for what happens to the child. And for his soul this is an unbearable burden.
Therefore, maybe you should honestly admit to yourself that you live with this person because you are afraid to be alone or alone, it’s easier and more comfortable for you, you don’t want to radically change your life, etc.
And if this is so, then maybe it’s worth looking for common ground with this person? Maybe it makes sense to improve relations with him? As soon as you honestly realize that you live with your husband or wife not for the sake of the child, but for yourself, you will begin to look for some common ground.

Because when you think that you live for the sake of the child, you are in a state of victimhood. And the position of the victim is a dead end, a path to nowhere. Moreover, it is also a method of destruction even for a child.

We first sacrifice ourselves for the sake of the child, and then, when he grows up, we begin to demand the same from him - “I gave you my whole life, and you...”, “I suffered for you and your father all my life, and you.. ."

In fact, we do everything for ourselves. Yes, and for the sake of the child too. But we perceive it as part of ourselves.
Because if parents really did everything just for the sake of the child, then they would not have allowed the situation itself in which it came to divorce.

It happens that a man tells his mistress that he cannot divorce for the sake of the child. But when one of the parents cheats, this situation has a very negative impact on the child, even if he does not know anything. His soul feels everything. Some children begin to get sick often, others have problems at school, with friends, etc. So, maybe try to find contact with your wife, if you really put the interests of the child first?

We must understand that responsibility for what happens in a couple’s relationship lies only with the woman and the man. And the child has nothing to do with this. This must be understood and realized. And then maybe you can improve this relationship. We are used to it - either we get divorced, or we live in this hell for the sake of the child.
But there is a third option - try to improve the relationship. But not for the sake of the child, but for myself.
After all, if two people got together and got married, did something lead them to marriage? And therefore, even without children, this family is worth trying to save. We need to think about how possible this is. Of course, there are different situations - sometimes there is nothing left to save.

When divorce is for good

If the husband beats or simply does not stop drinking and is not going to do anything, then there is nothing to save. Building relationships with an alcoholic and improving them is a dead end. Moreover, if a person does not want to treat his addiction, he does not recognize it. If a man beats you and your children, then, of course, there is definitely nothing to save. True, most often such women hide behind their children. They say, I endure everything so that the child has a father. This is the position of the victim. They just beat the victims.

- What if a man cheats?

If a man is a womanizer, then, of course, he will go on walks all his life, this is an addiction. And if a woman doesn’t leave, it means she’s ready to put up with it, and the child has nothing to do with it.

But if a person was initially committed to the family, and then began to cheat, this is a symptom that something is wrong in the family. And this something appeared much earlier than the betrayal began. Therefore, if you feel that something is not going well in the relationship, you don’t have to wait until he starts cheating on you. It’s better to think about how to improve your relationship so that you live in perfect harmony.

How do you understand whether it’s worth saving a relationship or whether it’s already so ruined that it’s wiser to separate so as not to turn your life together into the very hell you were talking about?

If you feel indifference to your partner or even hatred. Every phrase or movement of your partner irritates you. Although in such cases it is better to go to a specialist and discuss everything again.

An unfavorable sign is if there is no longer a sexual relationship, and the reason for this is not illness or mortal fatigue, but simply a lack of sexual interest in the partner. You are not even jealous of your partner, you don’t care where he is or what he is doing. Then, of course, we have to break up. This means you no longer have feelings for him.

The main criterion that you should not live together is if you are unhappy in this relationship, and even after going to a psychologist and your efforts to change something, you still can’t do anything. There is no need to maintain an unhappy relationship, that's for sure. It is important to either improve them or part with them. You shouldn’t be in a state of eternal unhappiness, justifying it by saying that you have a child.

Unhappy parents have unhappy children.

Nella Pributkovskaya

Girls, I often read posts about ex-wives on air. Which do not allow you to live / prevent you from living / are imposed on you / are boring and so on. Especially if they had children in common from that marriage.

So, you still decided to live with this man. You need him, only him, exclusively him. Of course, in order not to run into exes, it is best to choose men with no past and no “problems” (I now call obligations of any kind “problems,” girls, don’t be offended).

But if this happens... first, accept the fact that he has a past. When we marry such men, we have no idea how much such a past can sometimes influence us. Children from former family won't go anywhere. And the older they get, the more requests there will be. The best thing you can do is not to interfere. Trust experience. After all, you probably wouldn’t want to live with an irresponsible man. If he does not support the children from his previous marriage financially in any way, that’s good for you now. Then, at a difficult moment, he will turn away from you in the same way. This characterizes him as an irresponsible person who has nothing sacred. There’s no point in pushing him to pay. This will not change his nature. This is just a clear signal for you that it is not worth continuing a relationship with such a person.

If the ex does not give the child, does not allow her husband to communicate with him. My advice is this - do not wake up the trouble while it is quiet. Baja with a cart - it’s easier for the mare. Believe me, the man and the ex will figure it out themselves. It didn’t just happen; they created it together. Don't just go there! In my opinion, when your man pays sufficient alimony (not tiny, but normal) and is not able to communicate with the child because his ex does not give - this is the most the best option. So that the wolves are fed and the sheep are safe.

If your ex lets you communicate with your child and even forces him on you. Well, here the best deal for you is to sincerely, if not love, then make friends with the child. Whatever motives move your ex, this will be the best position for you. This way you will avoid scandals, quarrels with your husband, etc. “charms” and, without heating up the situation, you will, on an equal basis with your husband, control the situation - both material and time costs. You yourself understand why and for what.

There is another extreme - to succumb to the general belief that you owe everyone everything. And you must be good. This is wrong. Remember - you don't owe anyone anything. Including that child. The more you try to be good, the more people will ride on you. This is usually especially convenient for a man - he is good in front of that family AT YOUR EXPENSE. Therefore, healthy self-love is a must!!! Your needs and your family's needs must come first.

I honestly envy those women who were able to love a child as their own. I haven’t been able to do this yet, but I’m trying.

If the ex-wife has unreasonable claims, she goes too far.

Usually such things are associated with jealousy. Even if such madams are married. It's jealousy anyway.

What can help you? Don’t start making scandals (although this is also useful in limited quantities if all other methods no longer help). Start working not “against her,” but “for yourself and your family.”

If it's a call in the middle of the night. Before making a scandal, take a breath and ask yourself - why do you think they are so obviously trying to piss you off? The answer is simple - so that you quarrel with your husband. This is manipulation. They don’t pay attention to how they react correctly to manipulation.

Arm yourself with a sense of humor, patience and self-love. Don't let your self-confidence drop. Then even a call from an arrogant woman will not make you angry. And then, it’s easier to think with a cool head. And it is easier to resist her machinations. Sorry for her in front of her husband. So that he himself can see the inadequacy of her behavior and her demands. You can bring the same thing that you usually convey through scandal to your husband’s attention through humor and banter. More effective. And it’s healthier to laugh than to yell and make trouble.

A woman may start to provoke you. There are possible options here. If she is an experienced player, then she may well tug on your man's old strings - so that you can see that he is still in her power. It will be very unpleasant for you. Score it. Honestly. Don't forgive, but kill. It is at this moment that you will not be able to do anything. It’s better to wait a moment and do what you need, but later. Do you care about results or immediate pleasure? No matter what she says or does, your man is with you. And if you “straighten his brains” in time - and this may be much later than the incident - she will definitely feel it. And it is your happy family that will be the very revenge that you may have been thinking about.

To be continued....

As a result: how many young families do you think fell apart due to this in the first years? life together? Write in the comments what you think - the topic is hot and very interesting.

Tourism is not emigration

Even when the parents are “golden” and the children are the same, and peace reigns in the relationship, no one doubts that mutual language may be in question.

You are not the only one falling for this rake. And it’s better to believe me now than to deal with the consequences later.

Even if you happily spend holidays and weekends together, no one can guarantee that your common life will not throw you into a boiling cauldron.

It's all about the nuances. In this situation, each party is a slave to their own habits. And it doesn’t matter whose parents you are going to move in with.

Your man’s mother will want (most likely, quite sincerely) to teach you how to cook “correctly.” That is, not the way you do it. And you will never get “real mom’s borscht” and cutlets, and everyone will notice and voice this.

3. You will have to bend over backwards.

It’s not you who will set the tone for the house either. It has long been established, approved and elevated to the rank of the only possible norm. If you are not satisfied with something, you are unlikely to be able to change it. We'll have to endure it.

If he lives with yours...

1. Your parents will find him a pauper.

Even if moving in with your parents was your parents’ suggestion, they will take off your rose-colored glasses very quickly.

Over time they will ask you: “Daughter, who did you choose?”

From the parents' point of view, the son-in-law clearly did not succeed as a man. And that’s it: he earns little money, no car, no apartment, no daughters

2. Projection of grievances

In my practice, there were several cases when the wife’s mother (single) in the person of her son-in-law took revenge on everyone. I think you know how this manifests itself and where the jokes about an inadequate mother-in-law come from.

3. He will have to bend over backwards.

To become stronger and achieve more, a man needs to develop his masculine qualities. Take responsibility, feel like a master and leader.

If your husband doesn't, he will feel like his masculinity is being violated. He will feel like a parasite: no responsibility, no self-respect, not a hero, not a leader, not a defender.

And with such an attitude, as you understand, mountains cannot be moved...

More arguments needed, why does a young family need to live separately? Go. Clear and precise.

• To save your relationship

If a son-in-law or daughter-in-law does not satisfy his parents in any way, everyone will know about it.

If every day you are “undermined” about your husband, you will first defend him. Then you will ignore her words, and over time you will become just like her.

Something that you could really close your eyes to in your life with your husband and never even notice will suddenly begin to irritate you.

• So that everyday life does not kill love, as everyone is afraid of

Everyday life does not kill relationships if both the first and the second are built correctly. If you don’t have confusion and confusion about who washes the dishes and fries pancakes, if a woman doesn’t get overwhelmed first at work and then at home, everything will be fine.

"U ex-husband new family, but I still couldn’t find peace in myself, although in fact there were no feelings left, I was probably more worried about how he would treat our child. He left, then I didn’t sleep at night, wondering how he was and what was wrong with him, and did I do the right thing? When he created new family, the neurosis has become even worse, I want to call and tell him what a scoundrel he is, that he abandoned his child, forgot, and the like.” - this is what many women who have gone through a divorce think and have feelings for their ex-husband. Although, in fact, maybe divorce is for the better?

“After a little time, I began to understand that if I quarrel with my ex-husband, there would be no happiness either in my family or in his, and the child would suddenly hate me. And then I decided to develop mental balance and calmly react to my husband’s actions. And you know, it turns out that I began to feel even better, the child communicates with his father - this is the secret of happiness, and we began to establish relationships as families, because we shouldn’t make enemies, it’s more useful to have friends” - this is an example of a woman who deserves I was able to survive the divorce, let go of my ex-husband and get my life back on track. Take her example!

I'm lonely, I was already with someone else

It seemed that this was the end of life. There is nothing worse in the world than being alone. I have no appetite for days. Living, eating, paying attention to the child - everything seems empty without her ex-husband. Life goes on, and the woman is still waiting for her ex-husband to return...

“Every time I imagined her in her place, how he sleeps with her, goes to restaurants, guests, to his mother-in-law, what she cooks for him. I began to miss his attention, small quarrels over trifles, the fact that he watches football on weekends, in a word, everything that I didn’t like before.” - such thoughts occur to women when their husband and property were taken away by someone else, and now, instead of improving her life and developing, the woman feels sorry for herself.

Why isn't he with me?

This question does not leave exes alone. “What could I have done that provoked my husband to leave for another woman. Maybe I bad wife, mother, or am I just not comfortable with him in bed? Or I simply devoted little time to leisure time together, I cooked differently from his mother, with love.”

This question is difficult to answer. Try to find out from your ex what the reason is in order to prevent it from happening in future relationships. Or maybe it’s just not about you and your mistakes, but he fell in love for the second time.

“My husband stopped paying attention to me, I became an empty place for him, a person with whom he considered it pointless to spend his life. No matter how much I think why he is not with me, but with another, and everything is in vain, I just remind myself once again about that terrible day. As a result, I decided to contact family psychologist, no matter how funny it may sound. He helped me get out of this situation by explaining that I was just too focused on ex-wife. I believed it myself, and even more than that. After several visits to a specialist, I began to believe in myself, learned to love myself for who I am, and life began to improve.” — review from a grateful visitor to a psychologist. If you yourself cannot cope with depression after a divorce, then seek help from a specialist. If you still have a joint loan with your ex-husband, read the article.

This situation can often be encountered today. Parents are usually categorically against such a marriage, the reason is banal - “you need to finish your studies.” It’s easier if you’ve already finished your university job, you can already support yourself, but if you’re a student... all your time is spent on studying and on vacation, and you’re also fully supported by your parents. But you have an urge to get married, to get married, as they say. That's it now more people When getting married, she tries in every possible way to ensure that she has her own home. If there is housing, there is peace and quiet in the family; if not, there is swearing, squabbles, and possibly divorce in the future; unfortunately, this is also far from uncommon. And if you are a student, and it is not possible to live separately, but you still decide to build your own family, you will have to endure a lot, including the character traits of your future roommates - relatives. Today we offer several simple rules, who can somehow make it easier for her husband, a student, to live in the house with his parents.

Of course, it’s just the ultimate dream if your husband’s parents accept you as a daughter, with open arms and respect. But more often than not, as practice shows, even in this case, conflicts will still appear over time. How to behave in a new family?

“Don’t interfere with someone else’s monastery with your own rules”

This is probably the most important rule in any home; if you obey it, you are already half accepted in any family. When you are on the threshold of a new home, never forget that for a huge amount of time they have been living here by their own rules, here they have their own way of life, their own order. And it’s unlikely that anyone will like it if a new resident starts to disturb it and try to establish her own rules, I think you yourself wouldn’t like it. No, over time, without noticing it yourself, you will definitely contribute something of your own, but there is no need to do it right away, you will get into trouble from the first days.

Elders really like it when people turn to them for advice or ask them to help with something.

Even if everything is clear to you, and you yourself know perfectly well what to do in a given situation, please your husband’s “ancestors” and seek advice or help. You can’t even imagine how pleasant it will be for them, how pleasant it will be to realize that their opinion is important, and even more pleasure will come to them when they feel wiser and more experienced than you. Emphasize this in every possible way, just don’t overdo it, so that it doesn’t take the form of petty sycophancy. And also helping you, your parents are needed and involved in your life. The better and more you communicate with your mother-in-law and father-in-law, the faster you will win them over and like them

Be more reserved

Situation from life: you have a session, you are completely immersed in preparation, and then your mother-in-law “gets you” with her moral teachings. What about the session? This is a difficult time, I know firsthand, you want to disconnect from everything in the world, you just need nothing and no one to distract you, but how can you explain this to your parents? Or, for example, the mother-in-law considers it okay to enter your room with your husband at any time of the day, without an invitation, citing the fact that this is her home, she can do whatever she wants and however she wants. And one day, on her next visit to you, she begins to reproach you and express her dissatisfaction. Unfortunately, very often quarrels occur precisely because of the hot temper of the daughter-in-law and the grumpy nature of the mother-in-law. try to resist and politely explain, in the first case, that you just need to work out and that you can solve all the questions and problems later, and in the second case, that you still have your own family with your own rules, even if only within this rooms.

Politeness, correctness and calmness.

Don't complain to your husband about trifles

It is also important that you never forget that your husband’s relatives are, first and foremost, his family. It is to them, first of all, that you should say thank you, thank you for having this man next to you. Do not forget that it is quite possible that your husband will not always support you, therefore, first of all, before complaining to him about his parents, think about whether this is necessary?!

Remember that for your husband you are not only a lover, but also a friend, a support, and it is unlikely that your tense relationship with his parents will bring him a lot of pleasure.

Be patient, the day will definitely come when you both graduate from university, find a good job, and you will have your long-awaited home. How great it will be if, after moving to a new place, you still have good and warm relations with your husband’s parents.