Before you say anything to your child, you need to think carefully. Many adults do not hear what they say; it would be useful for them to at least sometimes hear themselves from the outside. Now there are many gadgets, record your speech and carefully study how you address your child, what words you say to him. I assure you, you will make a lot of discoveries and, perhaps, not the most pleasant ones.
How to make a child become an excellent student? Of course, compare him with a successful classmate. How to calm your child if he has a tantrum in a public place? Promise a spanking with a belt at home. Parents often use these “brilliant” methods. And when their children grow up downtrodden and unadapted to life, they begin to lament how this happened.
Which expressions are better for mothers and fathers who want to raise a happy child to forget forever?
Family psychologist Svetlana Merkulova is sure that even one carelessly thrown phrase can have a strong effect on the psyche of a little person, so when communicating with your child, you should carefully choose your words.
1. At your age I was an excellent student
From birth to six years, mother and father for a child are practically gods who know everything. They shape the baby’s attitude to the world and to himself personally. Specifically in this phrase you can see the competition between a parent and a child; he seems to be saying to his child: “You will never reach me! No matter how hard you try, I’m better than you.”
Children who grew up with such an attitude, as a rule, spend their whole lives proving to their families that they are good. Of course, by saying such things, you actually stimulate the narcissistic part of the child’s psyche, which provokes him to achieve certain goals.
But the trouble is that in the end a person achieves something not for himself, but for mom and dad, so that they can finally see that he is worthy of them. Growing up, such children never rejoice at their successes; joy comes only if the parent recognizes their achievements, but he is unlikely to do this.
2. You are my chicken, monkey, piglet
Whatever they call their children loving parents. All this leads to the depersonalization of the child, as if he does not exist, but there is some kind of toy with which you can do whatever your heart desires.
At the beginning of their life, your son or daughter will perceive any word spoken uncritically, they will trust you. Tell your child that he is a fool instead of “you need help, let me explain,” and the child will accept it.
Let me give you an example when a mother, in an educational impulse, told her son that he was a coward. As a result, when meeting the boy, he introduced himself like this: “My name is Vanya Ivanov, I’m a coward.” When you hear something like this, it should be an incentive to think about how you communicate with your own child. A person's name is his presentation to the world.
In some families, it turns out that it moves and comes up with a lot of funny names for the child, but in vain! The name should always be in the foreground; this is how a person will subsequently feel himself in this world, how complete he will be. If you more often call your daughter or son a chicken or a devil, then you seem to bite off pieces of his name (from his personality).
3. Look, Katya got an A for her test, and you got a B Most parents do everything with the best intentions.
The parents themselves most likely had this experience in childhood, and then they say: “It’s okay, they told me that too, I grew up, look how wonderful I am.” They were able to “forget” how painful it is when mom or dad rejects you and says: “And Katya is better than you.” This is a very painful experience that children often carry into their lives.. adult life They then begin to hate this Katya. It is always unpleasant for a child when he is compared with someone else, with a classmate, brother or sister.
Such, already adult people, always continue to compare themselves with others and always not in their favor.
4. Since you behave this way, I don’t love you. Or I can only love you when you suit me.
After this phrase, the child begins to try his best to be correct, he pushes all his needs and desires, “grows” a kind of antenna in himself that guesses the desires and expectations of his parents. As a result, the child does not exist. In adult life, he tries to please all the time, lives with the attitude:
“I want to be loved, and for this I must please. I will not have my own desires, but I will have the desires of other people.”
5. Don't embarrass me Children who often hear a similar phrase really want everyone to see who they really are, but if they receive someone’s attention, they don’t know what to do with it. They hide, close themselves off, get lost. It’s as if such a child has no choice; he can only be someone else’s disgrace. By saying something like that, you are traumatizing your own baby.
6. You are just like your father (mother)
Of course, this phrase illustrates the relationship between dad and mom, their dissatisfaction with their life together which they take out on the child. That is, the spouses do not directly sort things out, but through their child they say some nasty things to each other. And all these nasty things remain in the child. If mom says: “You are as stubborn as your dad.” It turns out that dad is a bad person with whom it is impossible to come to an agreement. Now let’s think about whether the boy wants to be such a man, because he is stubborn and bad?
When we project ours bad relationship on children, then they have to live with it. On the other hand, in this phrase he can hear the subtext that “it’s better with girls than with boys.” Parents use this manipulation if there is a struggle for the child and he needs to choose the side of either dad or mom.
7. If you don’t finish your porridge, you will be weak and stupid
I had a girl friend who was told since childhood: “If you don’t finish your bread, he will run after you all night.” No matter how funny it may sound, she was terribly afraid of bread, that is, her parents achieved the opposite effect.
Similar phrases are also clean water manipulation. Very often they are used by grandparents who faced hunger in their childhood. Then they are passed on from generation to generation without our noticing. In a child, such an expression can develop fears or a very difficult relationship with food, its cult, excess weight etc.
8. If you behave badly, we will give you to your uncle (woman)
This is a very specific message that says that a child is only valuable if he is comfortable for his parents. The parent broadcasts to his child: “Don’t be yourself, you have to be the way you suit us.” Growing up, such children do not know what they want and try to please everyone.
9. You'll get it at home!
This is about the fact that a parent has the right to do whatever he wants with a child, without addressing his feelings. In one second, mom or dad turns into a parent-overseer who punishes or forgives.
Children who often hear such an expression addressed to them have a difficult relationship with their superiors., since the parental figure seems to stick together with the figure of the boss, and the person begins to fear the boss and at the same time wants to please him, so as not to be punished. But, as a rule, management feels such an attitude and in response begins to “spread rot” on such a subordinate.
10. Leave so I don’t see or hear you
I translate: “You ruined my life, disappear! You shouldn't exist." And subsequently, such children live with a feeling of deep guilt before the parent, because he (the child) prevented the parent from living happily.
One must be careful with such statements, since a person can carry their burden throughout his life.
In general, before you say anything to your child, you need to think carefully. Many adults do not hear what they say; it would be useful for them to at least sometimes hear themselves from the outside. Now there are many gadgets, record your speech and carefully study how you address your child, what words you say to him. I assure you, you will make a lot of discoveries and, perhaps, not the most pleasant ones. published.
Svetlana Merkulova
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet (my thoughts on the fairy tale by A. de Saint-Exupéry “»)
A little prince
“Children should be very lenient towards adults,” the kid sympathizes with the elders, and thus the writer assures that a child’s vision of the world is more natural, more humane, and therefore more correct than that of adults, and that the world should be completely different from what they make it out to be Adults. Particularly impressive and poignant in the fairy tale is the Little Prince’s assessment of the life attitudes of various types of adults who are not connected with each other, because they live alone on different asteroids. I believe that Saint-Exupery was able to reveal the depths of the inner world of these people in this way, because they do not have to pretend to be better, because they live alone with their conscience and convictions. Through the eyes of a child, we seem to see humanity with all its problems and shortcomings: a Turkish astronomer, whose discovery was not believed because “he was dressed in Turkish”, a lazy person who distorted his planet because he believed: “... sometimes some of his own work can be postponed, nothing will happen.” We also meet the king, for whom “the main thing is that his authority be respected,” a pompous ambitious man, a drunkard who is ashamed of his disastrous mistake. A businessman from the fourth planet greedily counted the stars “to be rich” (not pointless?).
“These adults are strange people,” the little one doesn’t understand. But, fortunately, he meets others: a lamplighter from the fifth planet, who “is not funny. Apparently because he doesn’t think about himself.” The old geographer commands respect from the Little Prince (and through him, from us), he declares that planet Earth has a “good reputation.”
Saint-Exupéry presents a portrait of humanity on our planet, which consists of a corresponding number of inhabitants familiar to us from previous planets. This is how our native Earth appears before us, full, from the point of view of a child, of all kinds of absurdity: lust for power, pride, greed, drunkenness, callousness of soul. Unfortunately, those absurdities have power, but everything reasonable, kind, and good is weak. But adults do not notice the nonsense, they give all sorts of “stupidity” great weight, and the main thing - the beauty of nature and human relationships, truthfulness, sociability, sincerity - they do not see and therefore do not recognize. The Little Prince convinces us that there could be other relationships in life, when people tried to “tame” each other, to establish connections with each other, if they perceived the world not with their eyes, but with their hearts.
“Only the heart sees well; the eyes cannot see the most important things,” the Little Prince teaches us. The fairy tale caused a whole outburst of feelings in my soul, made me think about human actions and shortcomings. And although it ends sadly, it leaves behind not only sums, but also the desire for the beautiful, bright, which childhood endows a person with. It is important to carry this starry world throughout your entire life. In the words of the author, “you need to carefully take care of the lamps: a gust of wind can extinguish them ....”
Adults, unloved children
A huge number of people give birth and raise children. Some do it better than others - they grow up healthy, well-mannered and educated children with good chances for human happiness and social success. Some people do it worse - they grow up with children with defects in health, personality, upbringing and education. Such children, when they grow up, often have a hard time living... and it’s also hard for society and their loved ones to live with them.
Having become adults themselves, former children come to us, to psychologists, with their experiences and problems, and then it turns out that regardless of whether their parents tried or not, whether they loved their children or somehow tolerated them, their grown children are dissatisfied. Most adult children who come to us for consultation with a psychologist are dissatisfied with two manifestations parenting and love:
1. Quantity or quality parental love(there is even such a term in psychology - “unloved children”). Moreover, parents could really love their child very much and try to give him the best (that they could), but they did not add some “little detail” that was important for the child. For example, there was little tactile touching of the child. Or few confidential heart-to-heart conversations. Or the mother was too dominant in the family, and the child did not have enough sense of partnership. Or the child was raised to be hyper-responsible, he was constantly busy studying, additional education
, circles and sections, and he lacked the feeling of carefree childhood, freedom and spontaneity. Perhaps the parents of this"unloved child
But one way or another, at one time the parents were unable or unwilling to explain their motives and their parental and human position to the little man in an accessible and understandable way. And only then, many years later, mutual understanding with the adult child naturally did not arise. As a result, an adult comes to us for a consultation with a psychologist - an offended, disliked child. After all, very often adults remain children at heart until old age, even if some people around them and loved ones don’t really like it.
And a child is such a small, sincere, but insatiable consumer. And he remembers everything (records it, like a constantly turned on video camera) and draws his own conclusions about everything (subjective, like all people). And in most cases, the little sincere consumer of love, attention and care makes a simplified childish conclusion: “Mom (dad) is bad, they don’t love me enough. If only they loved..." And the closest, most authoritative person falls from the pedestal. And mixed feelings arise: grateful, but dissatisfied... I love, but I hate...
Then the child grows up, becomes an adult, he understands a lot and adjusts his views on life and parents, but this adult understanding does not cancel that subjective childhood tragic feeling of dislike and parental injustice, which, despite understanding, remains with a person for the rest of his life. This is how they appear adult unloved children.
What can you say about parents? Since the resources of time, effort and money for any of the best and most diligent parents are not unlimited, the child is bound to lack something in some area of his needs. As we have already said, a child is such a small, sincere, but insatiable consumer. When a child grows up, he compares himself with other grown-up children and inevitably finds some area where his parents gave him less than other parents gave to other children. After all, any person will definitely have an area of needs where he received less than he expected, or less than others. Sometimes the complaints of a grown child to parents are absolutely justified, sometimes not so much... but the important thing is that most grown children will definitely have these complaints.
Since most grown-up children enter the large social adult world with one type of maladaptation or another, they are unable to quickly satisfy their needs and ambitions on their own. The transition from a nursing “boob”, where you are “unfairly not given enough” to a “public feeding trough”, where you are “unfairly pushed away and not appreciated,” is naturally emotionally difficult.
U diligent ambitious For grown children, these emotional experiences are especially difficult, because Such grown-up children naturally expect to be “rewarded” for their diligence and desire to be good for their parents and society. After all, even a bear in the circus has the right to count on a piece of sugar for a well-performed trick in the arena in front of the audience...
So adult unloved children often fall into a vicious circle of neurotic and depressive experiences: the injustice of the world (in the present) and childhood dislike (in the past) - and parents, in any case, find themselves in the role of condemned people, regardless of the degree of guilt.
2. Parental instructions and directives that ruined the lives of grown children (in their own opinion). How family psychologists , we are constantly faced with the fact that a huge number of parents, with the exception of the physiological ability to conceive and give birth, as well as the social ability to feed, otherwise absolutely not ready to raise their children : neither in terms of stability of motivation to do well for children (children are born, the “tick” is ticked - now you can be proud of yourself and, in any case, consider yourself good parents
), nor according to the competence of educators and teachers (Griboedov: “But who lacks intelligence to have children?!”). So it’s true, unfortunately: parents often teach their children the wrong thing, in the wrong way, at the wrong time... if they teach them at all, and are not busy with their own adult problems and personal human passions. And in this part, the claims of grown children against their parents are absolutely logical and justified in most cases.
The dashing 90s “ruled the show” in our society and consciousness just about 20 years ago. The Internet, in the form of a bottomless resource of information, emotions and communication in which we perceive it, has existed in our country for only about 15-20 years. And mass tourism and the opportunity to study abroad have changed our consciousness and attitude towards the world and ourselves, including. I could go on for a long time...
In general, it’s difficult for parents: what to teach, how to educate?.. But it’s much more difficult for children. Grown-up children enter the adult world with natural social disadaptation and with a conflict between the values they have brought up and a society that has managed to change. A young man has just entered into life, and the foundations of a happy and successful personality are already crumbling: the newly formed clumsy ability to study and earn money, the ability to make contacts and build permanent relationships, ideas about what is good and right and what is bad and wrong . And many, many other foundations for future well-being...
A grown child entering life experiences a cognitive shock from the fact that life is absolutely different from what his elders told him. Confusion arises, very important questions arise to which the grown child does not find quick answers. After all, everything has changed! Or was it the elders who lied? Or am I a loser?..
Thus, adult unloved children often turn into ambitious, frustrated people with a loser complex with an increased level of neuroticism and depressive tendencies.
And then the difficult and painstaking work of psychologists lies ahead. In essence, surrogate parents (psychologists) work with the “pedagogical neglect” of an adult, unloved (undereducated and undereducated!) child, i.e. with everything that was described above. And when asked if you have children, sometimes you want to answer: “But of course! Thousands! Here are all of you: both you and your children..."
Electronic media "Interesting World". 05/04/2014
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