What does it mean to be a good parent? Recent research shows that when parents praise a child for trying rather than for ability, they are more successful in developing the child's work ethic and the child is more motivated to continue to improve.
It is very important for us, parents, that the child knows how to set goals for himself, goes towards them and achieves success. Yet we are far more concerned with whether our children will become compassionate and helpful. Surveys show that in the United States, parents (especially those who come from Europe, Spanish-speaking countries and Africa) value their child’s ability to take care of others much more highly. than achieving success. The same trends continue in other countries of the world. When there are 50 representatives various countries asked to name the principles that guide them in life, the main value characteristic turned out to be not the ability to achieve success, but caring and responsiveness.
Despite the importance of these qualities in our lives, teaching children to care for others is not easy. In an Israeli study of about 600 families, many parents those who highly valued kindness and compassion were never able to cultivate these qualities in children.
Maybe it's because some children are naturally kind and others are not? Over the past ten years, I have studied cases where people achieved success by often helping others without asking for anything in return.I am the father of two daughters and a son, and I have always been interested in knowing how generosity and generosity are brought up in people.
Observation of biological twins shows that from a quarter to half of cases that reveal a tendency to be responsive and caring for another person indicate the innate nature of these qualities. However, the education factor cannot be underestimated. But even the most diligent parents raising their children with praise for good behavior, reproach for negative behavior, and verbalization of their values, often do not suspect that their methods can bring undesirable results.
By the age of two, children already experience many of the emotions associated with morality - feelings evoked by the concept of right and wrong. To reinforce caring for one's neighbor as a skill of correct behavior, research shows that praise is better suited than reward. Rewards can trigger forced acts of kindness in children when the child is attracted by the prospect of carrots. Praise shows the child that sharing with others is good simply because it is right. But what kind of praise exactly do our children's early acts of generosity deserve?
Many parents believe that it is very important to praise behavior right action, and not the child himself. Thus, the child learns to repeat the actions that led to praise. I know parents who, instead of saying “you are a good helper,” will always say “you helped us a lot now.”
Is this approach correct? In a very interesting experiment, Joan Grusek and Erica Redler study what happens when we praise generous actions rather than character. During the experiment, 7- and 8-year-old children earn glass marbles and give them to children from poor families, for which they receive praise.
Different children, according to the researchers, receive different praise. One of the children is praised for his action: “It’s good that you gave your balloons to children from poor families. This is a very good deed, it will help them.” Other children are praised for their character: “You are a person who likes to help others. Yes, yes, you are very good man and is always ready to help."
Praise becomes especially effective during that critical period when children begin to understand their character. When researchers Joana Grusek and Erika Redler praised 5-year-olds for their character, the impact of the praise was not long-lasting: the children were likely too young for their moral behavior to become stable. But by the age of 10, the difference between praise of character and praise of actions disappeared: both were effective. Generosity as a quality of character becomes apparent around the age of 8, when children already begin to recognize themselves as individuals.
Praise for good behavior may only be half the story. We must remember that our reaction to bad behavior also has its consequences. When children behave in a way that gets them into trouble, they usually feel either shame or guilt. Contrary to the usual belief about interchangeability of theseemotions, research by psychologist June Price Tangney shows that these feelings are caused by for various reasons and have different consequences.
Shame is the feeling that comes from thinking that I am a bad person. Guilt is a feeling caused by the realization that a person has committed a wrong act. Shame consists of judging one’s self, which in itself is very destructive: children, under the influence of shame, begin to feel even less significant and more insignificant, and they respond with either anger or an attempt to avoid the situation. Guilt, on the other hand, is a condemnation of a negative action that can be compensated for by good behavior. When children feel guilty, they experience remorse and regret, empathizing with the person they hurt and seeking to make things right.
The study, led by psychologist Karen Kaplowitz Barrett, asked parents to rank their children's ability to experience different shades of shame and guilt at home. Children received rag doll, and when they played with it alone, the doll’s leg fell off. Children prone to feelings of shame did not want to meet with the researcher and did not admit that they had broken the doll. Children prone to feelings of guilt tried to fix the doll, approach the researcher, and explain what had happened. The “ashamed” children avoided communication, the “guilty” children tried to improve the situation.
If we want our children to care about other people, we need to teach them to feel guilt rather than shame when they misbehave. In her review of research on emotions and moral development, psychologist Nancy Eisenberg suggests that children develop shame when parents become angry, act unlovingly, or try to exert their power through threats and punishment. Then children may believe that they are bad. Not wanting to cause this condition in the child, some parents do not teach children discipline, which, in turn, can slow down the development of moral behavior skills.
Most effective method express dissatisfaction with a child’s behavior - show disappointment. According to research by Professor Eisenberg and David Shaffer, parents raise caring children by expressing frustration and explaining why the behavior is unacceptable, how it affects other people, and how the situation can be improved. This allows children to form criteria for evaluating their own actions, the ability to empathize and behave responsibly towards other people, and a sense of moral identity necessary to cultivate a willingness to help others. The benefit of expressing disappointment is to convey disapproval of bad behavior and is reinforced by high expectations and the opportunity to correct the behavior. “You are a good person, even if you did something wrong, and I know that you are capable of improving.”
You can condemn bad behavior and praise good behavior, but cultivating kindness in a child requires not only a timely response to the actions of children. Parents need to take the initiative and teach their children what they themselves consider valuable. Many of us do this wrong.
In a classic experiment involving 140 students from first to eighth grade, psychologist Philip Rushton gave children tokens for winning a game, which they could keep for themselves or give to a child who did not have the opportunity to earn the token. But first, the children saw the teacher himself win the token, then show either selfishness or generosity, and then turn to the children with a speech about personal gain or sacrifice. The influence of an adult turned out to be very significant: actions for children were more important than words. When an adult showed selfishness, the children imitated him. The words did not cause a significant change in behavior: children still gave fewer tokens after observing selfish behavior, although adults may have verbally taught them both self-interest and sacrifice. When an adult behaved generously and then talked about sacrifice, students gave away a large number of tokens - 85% more than in the first case. When an adult convinced children to take care of personal gain, although they had previously behaved generously, the students still gave away 49% more tokens than in the first situation. Children learn about generosity not through hearing, but by observing the actions of adults.
In order to evaluate the long-term effect of this experiment, the researchers again observed the same children during play two months later. It was necessary to understand how children's ability to give is affected by words and deeds after two months.
The most generous children were those who saw the teacher donate his tokens and say nothing. After two months, these children were 31% more generous than those who saw and heard the teacher talk about generosity. The result of this research is clear: if you don't practice generosity yourself, words may not help in the short term, but in the long term, words are less effective than active generosity without any words.
People often believe that actions are determined by character. , but when it comes to teaching morality in children, it must be remembered that character itself is formed under the influence of practical affairs. Psychologist Carl Wick often asked the question: “How can I know who is in front of me if I can’t see what he’s doing? How can I know what a person values if I don’t see how he lives?”
- not capricious;
- unspoiled;
- unselfish.
Any parent in his place imagines his child to be kind and well-mannered. a real little gentleman or little lady. Psychologists say that a properly raised child is a child whose upbringing corresponds to three things, namely:
But how to raise a kind, sensitive, polite child? After all, this is very difficult work.
How to raise a kind child
The main rule is that you need to start raising your baby from birth. It just seems like the child doesn’t understand anything yet. But it is in the first year of life that a child learns to communicate, to find common ground with the outside world, and it is at this time that one must begin to educate him. The only question is how to teach a child who still doesn’t really understand words. How can I explain to him that it is possible to do this, but not to do it this way?
First of all, remember - the child copies you. That is, if you can eat sweets, then why can’t he? After all, if mom and dad eat, then it’s tasty, proper and interesting. The same applies to behavior in society, behavior at home, etc. Parents in whose family there is polite communication have peace and grace, and their children grow up kind and obedient. They don’t believe that you can achieve something by shouting and that if you take it away, then the thing is yours. And you can take it away.
After all, small children are clay from which you, the parents, sculpt exactly what comes out. If instead of “baby, let’s go to bed,” the child hears “sleep quickly,” then that’s how he is raised. He believes that this is how it should be.
Raising a kind child
As for the upbringing itself, this can be done as early as the age of three. It is at this age that norms of behavior are established in children. However, it is at the age of three that a child, so kind and obedient before, can become completely uncontrollable. Psychologists say that at this age, children begin to sort of test their parents - is this really bad, is it really impossible to do this, etc. And this child’s behavior has nothing to do with his bad character or harmfulness. It’s just that at this time the baby is trying to draw for himself a circle of what is possible, and throw beyond it what cannot be done. But how should parents behave? patiently and clearly explain to the child why this cannot be done. For example, if a child hits his mother with his fist, you need to explain to him that you did something bad. You can't hit mom. And the most important thing is to get the baby to apologize to his mother. If this behavior recurs, you need to again patiently and kindly explain to the baby what not to do. And so - until the child understands and remembers - it is really impossible to fight and this is bad.
It is very important at this time to praise the baby if he has done something right. And respond to bad behavior. After all, if you don’t react, the child will consider this to be the norm and it will be very difficult to retrain him later.
Good old Soviet fairy tales are excellent helpers in raising children. It is in them that children learn that doing good is good and doing evil is bad. And that in the end good will win and evil will be punished.
You can also play with your baby role-playing games. for example, a game where the girl did not want to give toys to anyone, and then, when she decided to play with other children, the children refused to play with her. After all, she is greedy and no one is friends with greedy people. But after such a role-playing performance, it is very important to discuss with the child why in the end no one wanted to play with the girl, and what she did wrong.
But the most important thing in raising a child is the love of parents, praise and the belief that your child is the best. Moreover, you and your baby must believe in this. And then everything will work out for you.
A kind and non-conflict child is the dream of all parents. But it often happens that, despite all the efforts put into raising a child, the result is almost the opposite. And then parents may begin to blame themselves (“they paid little attention”) or the child himself (“you were born like that”). But in fact, good upbringing is not measured by the number of toys bought for a child, the number of “clubs” attended, or constant care. To cultivate kindness in your child, you just need to comply with the following five conditions.
Condition one: we do good deeds together
Of course, all parents want their child to grow up to be a real helper in the future - both for them and for their friends or acquaintances. You can have endless conversations with your child about the need to be kind, the need to help elders, etc. But all children, first of all, tend to learn what they observe with their own eyes. That is, if in your family it is customary to help each other, for example, dad helps mom carry a heavy bag, then the child will copy this model of behavior.
Therefore, try to educate your child by your own example, and also encourage good deeds and do them together. For example, you can help your elderly neighbor together to buy groceries for her. Also ask your child to help you carry something from the supermarket - let him take a small bag of bread, for example. Show and emphasize that doing good is good: words of gratitude, a smile, praise - all this will cheer up your baby, give him a sense of self-worth, and instill confidence in his abilities.
Condition two: personal space is important
Condition three: good children's fairy tales
Fairy tales are a real storehouse of folk experience and wisdom. They always have a pronounced morality, in game form They tell you what is good and what is bad. Read good fairy tales to your child, and also discuss with him the actions of the heroes - let the child imagine himself in a similar situation or say why the hero acted this way and not otherwise.
Condition four: no extremes
In addition to the third and fourth rules, you can add - don’t overdo it. If you constantly focus your child’s attention only on what can be done for others and how others will think about him, then you can completely forget about the needs of the child himself. Everything should be in moderation, that is, for example, treating a friend with candy is good, but if he forcibly snatches a toy from you, you need to be able to stand up for yourself, and not silently give him your favorite car.
Condition five: teach to care
A child, especially if he is alone in the family, is accustomed to everyone taking care of him. And he has no one to take care of, so the baby doesn’t know what it’s like to be responsible for someone. To teach your child to be caring and attentive, get him a pet. It is not so important who exactly it will be - a kitten, a parrot or a turtle - the main thing is that the child is imbued with sincere love for it and strives to look after it. Therefore, it is better to discuss the choice of an animal with your child, taking into account, of course, both your living conditions and financial capabilities.
And finally: cultivating kindness in a child does not mean at all that it is necessary to “sacrifice all your free time” for this goal. Parents, and especially mothers, must find time for their own relaxation, hobbies, and self-care. This will also teach your child that they should respect other people's time and space as much as their own.
It's no secret that many modern parents They believe that it is important for a child to develop, first of all, “punchy” qualities: perseverance, confidence, the ability to stand up for himself and convince him that he is right. Of course, there is also meaning in developing these qualities. However, recently, such quality as, for example, kindness is no longer taken into account. Responsiveness, generosity, politeness, willingness to help are the most important personality characteristics. How to teach a child to be kind, open, friendly, responsive - read our article.
Children's kindness
How do we, parents, dream of seeing our own child? Don’t deny that it would be good if he became kind, brave, self-confident, capable and, of course, happy. It is unlikely that any parent will protest against such a list of virtues, because no one wants a lonely and sad old age, devoid of care. Parents want their child to know how to love and be loved, to feel comfortable in the family, preschool institution and school, when communicating with peers and adults. Yes, in life he will encounter a lot of evil, betrayal, envy and hatred. That is life. It is important that the child learns to forgive, does not become cruel, cynical and indifferent, knows how to sympathize and wants to help.
“Did you know that kindness is the basis of education, on which one’s attitude towards the world and people is built. It is never selective."
Whether a child is kind or not depends on his upbringing. Young children are very sensitive to kindness and, conversely, to injustice. The primary task of adults here is not to destroy children's sensitivity and trust, not to teach them deception and cynicism.
Some will argue that kindness has no place in today's cruel world. Kindness is not a weakness at all. By showing the child our positive example of attitude towards people, animals, and nature, we orient the child towards the same behavior. If parents do not have the desire to raise their child to be a benevolent, friendly, sympathetic, generous and attentive person, then they will soon see in the family a little egoist, indifferent to other people’s troubles, unable to make friends or love.
Unfortunately, an indicative feature of our modern times is child cruelty. More and more often we learn how schoolchildren are cruel to each other, rude to peers and teachers, rude to parents, and make cynical jokes. That is why it is important for parents today to lay the foundations of true morality in early childhood, namely, to raise a kind child. We need to teach children to distinguish between good and evil and try to instill in children good qualities that have been valued at all times. And to achieve this goal, it is important to become a good role model yourself.
Watch a video about what kindness is and how to become kind to a child
Kindness and caring
The concept of “kindness” is multifaceted. This is a manifestation of care, and the ability to sympathize and have compassion, and indifference to people’s misfortunes and a willingness to help them, and unselfishness, and acceptance of people as they are - with all their shortcomings.
At what age should you start raising a kind child?
From 2 to 5 years the baby actively develops emotional sphere: for the first time such emotions as pity, sympathy appear. At a time when we set an example of love and good nature with our behavior, the baby adopts the same attitude towards people and the world around us. The way we are, the way our children will become. Remember how often your child sees you irritated, dissatisfied or indifferent? How often does a child hear screaming or bad comments about people? Don't be disingenuous. By answering these questions sincerely, you will think about the quality and content of your child’s upbringing.
How to become kind?
You can start raising a kind child by teaching him to care for others. How? First of all, you need to teach your child to be attentive to his family.
- We learn to help parents around the house. A two-year-old baby is already quite capable of helping his parents. For example, if placed on a stable chair, it can help wash your baby's plastic dishes. A preschooler can carry some of the purchases from the store - for example, a loaf of bread. It will be interesting for the baby to irrigate with a spray bottle houseplants. Wiping dust, vacuuming and trying to wash floors is also something preschoolers can do.
- We teach you to take care of the younger child. The appearance of a younger child in the house is also an excellent opportunity to learn. Let the child help his mother deal with his brother or sister: play with him, share toys. Taking care of the baby, the older child learns to help, respond, and worry.
- We teach you to do good deeds. You can play the game “Good Deed” with a four-year-old child. Encourage your child to do something good at least once a day. For example, pleasant surprises to friends: give someone a bouquet of country flowers, treat the children in the yard to homemade cookies, take unnecessary things and toys to Orphanage, make a card with wishes for someone, learn a song for grandma. The best thing is when the child develops the habit of making pleasant surprises for people just like that.
"Advice. The most important thing in parenting is to teach your child to enjoy the fact that he is helping or caring for someone. There is no need to praise. Here, ordinary approval is enough: such behavior should become the daily norm for the child.”
Mercy and compassion
People learn mercy and compassion throughout their lives. A child who has not yet comprehended the alphabet of goodness cannot realize that he can offend or cause pain to someone. It’s bad when adults don’t explain to a child what not to do. It’s even worse when they encourage child cruelty.
Observe your child and find out the following for yourself:
- Does he sympathize with people?
- Does he feel sorry for you when you feel bad or sick?
- Is he affectionate with his family?
- Does he laugh at the children when something doesn’t work out for them, they are upset, they cry?
How to raise a kind child by personal example?
- A child should see the kind attitude of parents towards people every day.
- Do not yell at children and family members: take care of your nerves. Maintain a calm relationship with your family at home, calmly discuss current situations, forgive and have pity on your family. This is what everyday life lessons of kindness are all about.
- Justify people and their actions. Learn to notice not evil, but circumstances. For example: not “What a terrible child - he poured sand in your eyes,” but “He didn’t want to, don’t be offended” or “His mother probably told him that he shouldn’t do that.”
With these methods you will educate good child who is not hostile to the world, considering those around him to be cunning and insolent, but a person who is condescending and tolerant of the actions of others.
Tales of goodness
A great way to raise a kind child is to watch good cartoons together and read fairy tales, followed by discussion of them.
Cartoons. Today's children don't like the same ones that we, parents, loved in childhood. Ask your little one to join you and watch some good old cartoons. Tell your child about your childhood experiences: how you were afraid of Baba Yaga or worried about Alyonushka. Your sincerity will help your baby learn to distinguish between emotional states, sympathize and worry, and feel sorry. With such viewings, an atmosphere of trust will arise between the child and the parent, an invisible connection that will orient him on the right path in life - the path of goodness, mercy, compassion. Therefore, watch old cartoons more often, buy CDs with them with your child, learn and sing songs of good heroes. The atmosphere of watching together and the good truths of old cartoons will help raise a truly kind child.
Fairy tales. Do you often read fairy tales to your child? Are they real fairy tales - for example, folk tales, in which the hero, overcoming difficulties and obstacles, defeats evil? Of course, it’s easier to turn on the TV for your child. But nothing can replace mother’s reading, especially if the fairy tale teaches good things. Don't say you don't have time. For some reason, there is always time to show dissatisfaction and read lectures. It is much better to get into the habit of raising a child with the help of fairy tales. Fairy tales are a language understandable to a child, with the help of which he will better understand moral lessons. By discussing the behavior of heroes, we teach the child to distinguish between good and bad behavior. The emotional language of fairy tales will teach a child to distinguish between emotions, worry, and sympathize. When choosing fairy tales in a bookstore, remember: a fairy tale should teach something good. This is precisely the main purpose of a fairy tale. Short ones are suitable for babies cautionary tales. For older children - with bright heroes who perform various actions. After reading the fairy tale, talk to your child (not immediately, but after some time). Invite your child to evaluate the actions of the heroes and show their attitude to the events. By observing a child and listening to his reasoning, you can understand his attitude to many things. You may be surprised that a child rejoices if an evil witch is tied to a horse and she dies in agony or learns that the king was boiled in milk. How do you feel about that? Do you think that evil should be punished, but perhaps not in such a cruel way? Discuss what you read with your child. Replace the ending of the fairy tale you don’t like with your own version, invented together with your child. Invite your child to think about how to re-educate an unkind character? How to make him kind? Acting as a protector, the child learns to be kinder. Look for the unnoticed goodness in fairy tales. Encourage your child's desire to feel sorry for the villain: let the child believe that everything can always be fixed.
Parenting techniques
There are several effective techniques that are aimed at raising a kind child:
- Don't teach your child to give change. This only teaches aggression and that conflict cannot be resolved with words.
- Read instructive folk tales to your child more often.
- Learn to care for animals. If possible, at home and teach your child to take care of him. Read books about animals, watch films with their participation.
- Teach your child to share. Tell them that being greedy is bad.
- Talk to your child about the diversity of people around us. Tell us how difficult life is for disabled children and orphans.
- Teach your child to help with household chores. This way, the habit of caring for his family will become permanent.
- Praise your child for good deeds. Good deeds should be enjoyed.
"This is interesting. It has been scientifically proven that a child needs up to 12 hugs every day for full development. Kiss and hug your child: love promotes kindness.”
conclusions
Kindness is formed in the family. Teach your child to help the needy and weak, take care of loved ones, and not offend younger children or animals. Cultivate the ability to do good every day. Becoming kinder and more merciful, the child develops emotionally correctly, thanks to which such feelings as responsibility and responsiveness are formed. Sow love in your child, so you can raise a good person.
In the modern world, parents often strive to develop in their children qualities such as self-confidence, perseverance, determination, and the ability to stand up for themselves and their interests. Naturally this is important. But, last years Adults are paying less and less attention to raising such a wonderful quality in a child as KINDNESS. But it is responsiveness, generosity, openness, politeness, willingness to help one’s neighbor that are the most important human qualities.
Children's kindness
Naturally, in relation to loved ones, we want the baby to grow up kind and sympathetic. We strive for him to know how to love and not be afraid to show his love. Of course, there is a lot of evil and cruelty in the world, however, the most important thing is that the child knows how to forgive, empathize, sympathize, etc.
In fact exactly kindness should become the basis of education in the family, on which it is necessary to build an attitude towards the world around us (people, animals, nature).
Beginning with childhood It depends on the parents how kind their baby will become. Since children are quite sensitive to kindness and injustice, it is necessary first of all to develop, and not break, their children's trust and sensitivity.
Unfortunately, today you can often hear that being kind is not profitable and stupid. However, kindness is far from being a weakness, but on the contrary, it is the greatest strength (forgiveness, help, etc.). If adults show children their positive example of attitude towards homeless animals, the sick and the needy, then their children will follow a similar attitude. If adults miss this important point, then most likely they will soon encounter the indifference, selfishness and cynicism of their own child.
Unfortunately, in the modern world, an indicative character trait of some schoolchildren is cruelty towards weaker peers. This is why it is so important to early age development of the baby, pay maximum attention to nurturing in him humanity, kindness and empathy. It is important to give him a clear understanding of the difference between good and evil, honesty and deception, justice and injustice. To do this, it is best to become a good example of a kind person for your child.
How to teach a child to become kind?
In order for a child to become kind, it is enough to teach him from early childhood to be attentive and caring towards others. So, you can start with:
It is very important that a child, when showing his kindness, does not expect anything in return. It is important that he learns to enjoy his good deeds. However, do not overdo it with praise. It will be enough to show your approval so that the baby understands that such behavior is the norm for a good person.
